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The Thing About Weddings
I Really Don't Think
that a long, over-written introduction is needed to talk to you about one of our most-common occurring events in life: weddings. So with a brief sentence or two, I will tell you that in every wedding that I have attended (or married a wife) I have found a collection of flaws, mis-judgments, and details that were not checked that made me think about The Thing About Weddings.
All I can tell you now is enjoy.
As I Have sat and Watched
weddings being performed, I can tell you that when you experience a wedding, there are times that you notice . . .
- Either the bride or groom will stutter during saying their vows that they have memorized or even written.
- The bride is always filled with jitters and although this is normal, she is still jittery even long after the afternoon, springtime wedding is now history.
- You can bet that during the wedding, someone in the audience will cough or sneeze so loudly that this natural event will distract the minister who is performing the wedding causing the marital couple to giggle then sending laughter throughout the wedding guests.
- During any wedding you can bet (and win big) that one of those pretty bridesmaids will try her best to get a date with one of the equally-handsome and virile groomsmen.
- Almost like an antique clock striking the hour, you can look forward to whomever sings for a bride's wedding, is not going to be of Dean Martin quality. The singer is usually too excited about even being asked to sing and when he/she sings the song that he/she has penned, it will not go good.
More Wedding Flaws
are being shared by yours truly. Thanks for taking time to read my honest observations that I have written so far.
So enjoy a few more Things About Weddings:
- Either by nerves or anger, the odds of every beautiful bride is going to cut into one of her pretty bridesmaids before the wedding and the odds of this happening are great in the bride telling this now-poor, down-trodden bridesmaid to "hit the bricks."
- No bride, no matter how gorgeous, is ever satisfied with her choice of designer gown, honeymoon choices, and even the food chosen to consume at her reception.
- No groom, no matter how happy he is at being married to his lovely bride, is not able to talk to his bride or reception guests. Why? At this juncture, the groom is doing more listening to his bride, errr, wife, to get a reading on what type of wife that he has just married her an hour or so ago.
- Every set of parents, groom and bride, cry. Even dads of the bride cry. I am going to share this with you and hope that no bride's treasured dad will beat me up. When dad's are being married, they shed tears, but do it so fast, the audience cannot detect it. Most or all of the attention is given to the mom's bride.
- A good percentage, but not a big percentage of the groom's best man and groomsmen have been drinking most all day during the evening wedding. Plus a good percentage of them have visited (or still stuck in) a "gentleman's club." No. I will not use that term.
- Almost every new bride tries hard to not eat a lot of the food that she has chosen for her guests. Why? The secret is this: this new wife wants to look as perfect as she possibly can do for this is the last time that she will look this hot.
Yes, Friends. Even More Wedding Irritants
are here for your reading and memorizing for when you are a wedding guest for one of your friends.
- There is always a good chance that one of the groomsmen will be so intoxicated that he will pass out but not before he lasts just long enough to stand up for the groom. Question: why have you or I never witnessed a bridesmaid passing out before the wedding vows are spoken?
- Either a relative of the new bride or groom will somehow get into a verbal fight before the wedding begins and these squabbles usually start with one of the relatives making a rather rude (but audible) remark about how the food that the bride's "Aunt Millie," brought the wrong type of pastrami and she allowed it to sit in room temperature too long causing the guests to get deathly sick.
- The band that the bride has hired to play for her reception are not usually professional musicians, so be prepared to hear songs such as, "The Wind Beneath My Wings," or "He Stopped Loving Her Today," which was not one of the bride's favorites, but it was the best song the band could play.
- When a wedding is to be performed by two preachers, you can bet that one of the preachers, the one who speaks second, will show his disdain on his facial expressions of disgust.
- Then one of the most-embarrassing aspects of the wedding reception: when one or more groomsmen stray away from drinking moderately and really guzzle down the Maker's Mark, 12-year-old stuff and plenty of the Heineken, these guys although give the reception guests plenty of glee and laughter will ultimately get into fist fight or curse the other groomsmen out or both.
these following wedding irritants may cause readers some degree of anger, disappointment and broken hearts all leading to bouts with severe depression:
- The older male wedding guests retired, enjoying a huge pension and have left a powerful company are prone to tell "manly jokes" that are offensive to young women and even the bride. This never fails.
- The older female wedding guests, wives of the above item will ultimately get into a physical encounter causing little damage, but producing waves of laughter.
- It never fails that "the one" wedding guest, a male, single, looking for a date, will be rejected many times not just at this wedding, but most weddings. Then his comfort zone will be eating everything that is set on the table. Nothing wrong, you say? Just wait. This same male wedding guest, still single, will eat way more than any human being and get severely nauseated and yes, you guessed it . . .barfing that to equal an eruption of some Indonesian volcano.
- Someone, and I would guess it being the bride's parents, probably the dad, who will be the first to offer up any and all itemized bills that he has "forked out" his money that he was saving for a new bass boat, Jeep Wrangler and a Lifetime Member of Sam's Club.
Now that June is just around the corner, it will be the season for brides. I liked this piece for it was really early for brides of all ages, shapes, and colors to read and then watch out for those disruptive wedding irritants and unruly guests.
Good night, Rome, Georgia.
© 2017 Kenneth Avery