Things I Wish I Had Known Before Becoming a Stepmother and 2nd Wife

I love my husband. Let me start with that. When I was a kid my mom's cousin divorced and remarried. In the interim we went on all vacations together - it was awesome. Then the new woman came into his life and she really didn't like any of us. As a child, I thought she was mean to my mother and not nice to my cousins.

When I started dating a divorced man and when it got serious enough to meet his kids, I had one thing in my mind. I would not be 'her'. I would be everything she was not.

I am an optimist. I was once told by a boss that I got things done 'by sheer force of my enthusiasm'. I did not see the reality behind my new situation.

I have spent many years on forums, chat rooms, scouring books, trying - I would like to say valiantly but more likely desperately - to find a way to make my situation work. To make a family. I failed miserably, but with 15 years hindsight, I never had a chance to win.

I hope that any of you who are reading this, who are dating a divorced man with kids, will think long and hard. I go back to my opening statement - I love my husband. But maybe things would have been better for him and his kids, had I known all this going into our marriage.

A stepmother is a role created out of loss for the kids.  With a divorce, kids have lost a parent. Their family is broken.  You coming into their lives finalises that the divorce is real and that their parents will never be together again. 

The 'real' mother, like it or not, will be a part of your life from now on.  It is important for your relationship that you understand that early on.  You need to understand the relationship she has with her ex-husband.  You need to understand what relationship she has with the children and what she thinks about her ex-husband being involved in the kids lives.

There are some wonderful mothers out there who are happy for the fathers to be involved in their kids lives and who accept new wives and stepmothers.  If you are lucky enough to be involved with a man who has an ex like this - rejoice! 

If you don't know what kind of ex you are dealing with, you need to establish it early on.

What is his relationship with his ex?
They have been through a divorce, so it is unlikely to be all sweetness and light.  But is it openly hostile?  Are there lawyers letters, hostile phone calls, bad handovers?  These are all symptoms of a relationship which is toxic.  A common mistake, and indeed one I made myself, is to try to 'fix' the broken relationship between the ex's.  DON'T DO THIS! Trust me, ultimately you will end up getting hurt.  You are not in that relationship.  You cannot fix it.  He has to find a way to deal with his ex.  Have him explain to you how he will deal with her and then decide if it works for you. 

When I was first involved with my now husband, his ex called me and asked me to sort out contact issues because she didn't want to talk to her ex.  I foolishly agreed.  When I 'took his side' and backed his need for regularly seeing his daughters, she turned on me viciously.  I was now in a worse situation - I was now involved and there was no way back. 

We all like to think that relationships are easy.  Prince Charming rides in, swoops us up onto his horse and we ride into the sunset and live happily ever after.

If you have chosen to get involved with a divorced man, discussion early on is essential.