5 Ways To Apologize
Ways to Apologize
Do you know how to apologize properly? Have you ever been completely dissatisfied by an apology offered to you? There is more than one way to apologize. A simple I’m sorry may not always be the ideal way to communicate your regret.
Dr. Gary Chapman explains this problem and offers a solution in his new book The Five Languages of Apology . According to Chapman, we all have different requirements in an apology, and learning to speak the apology languages will help you to sincerely communicate in your most important relationships.
When I first spotted this book on the shelf, I couldn’t help but think, I don’t need that! If anyone knows how to apologize, it’s me . I was kind of right. This seems to be my area of expertise. I am already multilingual when it comes to the art of apology.
So I bought it for my husband.
5 Ways to Apologize
Here are the 5 Languages, as outlined by Dr. Gary Chapman:
- Expressing Regret: I’m sorry
- Accepting Responsibility: I was wrong
- Making Restitution: What can I do to make it right?
- Genuinely Repenting: I’ll try not to do it again.
- Requesting Forgiveness: Will you please forgive me?
Ways to Apologize: The Five Apology Languages
You see, it is one of things that really irks me about people. They just don’t do it right. If everyone practiced apologizing properly, the world would surely be a better place. Now call me a perfectionist if you’d like, but you may feel the need to apologize for it later.
If you are going to bite the bullet and say you’re sorry to someone you love because you were truly wrong , you need to own it. You need to accept the responsibility. And they will know if you are sincere.
This brings me to the biggest apology mistake:
"I am sorry I said your tush looks big in those pants, but…"
Anytime you add the but, you shift the responsibility from yourself to the other person. The but is usually followed by something like “I just had to be honest” or “you drove me to it” or “I couldn’t help myself. ” That, my friends, is not an apology. You may possibly be forgiven, but you will not see any restoration in the relationship. Restoring love and trust in a relationship takes genuine effort. An inability to apologize properly can have long lasting effects on a marriage or relationship. It can end it.
I didn’t really buy it for my husband.
I read it and learned a lot about myself. Now I clearly understand why I don’t feel like sorry is enough. I am high maintenance when it comes to apologies. You need to give me at least three or four of the five languages, well done. Then I can quickly forgive.
Then of course, there is the problem of throwing apologies around far too frequently and without good reason. This is where I get into trouble, I’m sorry to say. What is the problem with that? It’s like crying wolf. If you do it too much, your sincerity will be questioned. Notice that apologizing for everything doesn't make you feel well.
And then there are those of us who cannot, no matter how hard we try, muster up the strength to say those two little words at all.
I know what you are thinking, but before you email this off to your significant other to point out how badly they need to learn how to apologize, wait. Finish reading. Watch the videos. Maybe you can learn a thing or two about yourself. Maybe you could benefit and learn a few new ways to apologize too.
Think about the definition of repentance. It basically means “ I have changed my mind about this.” The point is to communicate that effectively in an apology. The words are not completely universal. One person may feel that I’m sorry is completely adequate. Another may need to hear Will you please forgive me? or I’ll make it up to you or I won’t do it again.
So what does this perfectionist want in an apology? Something like this:
"Amy, my beautiful, thin woman, I am so truly sorry .You were right and I was wrong (as usual). I never should have worn my AC /DC concert t-shirt that is 20-years-old and 2 sizes too small to your high school reunion. Please forgive me. I have seen my mistake and will never do it again. I promise to wear a nice polo shirt from now on and preserve your reputation for good decent taste. I will make it up to you this Saturday by taking the kids for the day. Here is a gift certificate for a day at the spa.”
Yes, in my dreams. For the record: my husband does put that shirt on now and then, but he has never really worn it out.
Why Do We Need Apologies? Do We Really Need So Many Ways to Apologize?
When you have been wronged by someone you love, some one you have trusted, someone who is supposed to love you or claims to respect you, something within you begins to cry out for reconciliation. Without it your relationship and the bond you share will be broken. The relationship may go on, but it will be only a shadow of what it was; a shadow of what it could or should be.
Keep in mind that apologizing is all about doing it for someone else. It is about letting them know you have remorse. Oh, and they know. They always know if you are sincere. Don’t you recognize a fake, forced apology when you hear one? How does that make you feel about the other person? You know from experience that fake is not an effective way to apologize. It only makes the situation worse.
Learn to apologize effectively. It will save both you and the person who deserves the apology unnecessary pain.
- Marriage Fitness
Does your marriage need more than an apology to get back on track? The marriage fitness program can help you find the love and joy in your marriage again - no matter what challenges you're facing.
Comments
Strange knowing how to simply apologize can elude us sometimes. This is very good advice.
i screamed at my gf ,,, we split up after that ,for five month we did not speak at all ,,, a month back we started to chatting ,,, she is 600 miles away ,,, we decided to give us a new start ,, i have told and written to her how deeply sorry i am ,,,i have not been able yet to giive her a proper sorry as we still far apart ,,,she is always bringing up the night i screamed at her ,,which i have given a four stage applogy for ,i feel she wont let go wont forgive Help what can i do . we like yo yo s every time we get a bit seriois she lets me have it with how i hurt her ,,, I just want to stop living in the past
i made one of my friends mad because i got him in trouble with the principal..hes my crush and i really want to apologize to him hes my homie and i love him but i cant just say im sorry.... Thanks Mr.Chapman :)
Best Apology Ideas (...and worst)
Be an Apology Star! Many of the thousands of visitors we get each month are looking for great apology ideas to deal with their own personal crisis. Learning how others successfully resolved their mistakes is an effective way to pick up important apology ideas to begin mending fences in your own personal or business life.
With this in mind, the PA team decided it would be a great idea to include a section on our site inviting our visitors to submit great Apology Ideas, or bad ones to help push us in a different direction.
One of the best ideas we received in the past was to add a little something extra to ones apology by naming a star after the person you've hurt.
Of course, a gesture such as naming a star may not be appropriate for all mistakes, but, for many situations, we believe it will go a long way towards satisfying key elements of a perfect apology—the gesture is very thoughtful and obviously takes some time and effort, which means the relationship is important to you and worthy of mending.
So, this is the place to share your successes and failures, tell us your story or share your ideas, and help our visitors improve their apologies.
If you've received a great apology tell us about it …
Was it written or verbal? Did it come with a gift? A song? A poem? Was it romantic? What made it special?
If you received an apology that really stunk.... let us know about that too! We can all learn from others' mistakes... and we all love to comment on those!
If you've given a great apology, inspire us and let us know how clever you are!
And if the apology you gave flopped... get other people's opinions on why and maybe some of our readers can help you make things right again.
I'm about to write a philosophy paper on "forgiveness and apology." Before I started I decided to do a quick google search. This page popped up near the top. It's an interesting topic but I have to say your insights are really only a surface level justice to the topic. There are so many other things to consider, things that rationally would oppose some of your advice (such as forgiving in the absence of an apology, or at the least questioning whether what you're doing is apologizing at all...it's more likely to be forgetting or excusing). I suppose simple, jack-of-all-trades/master-of-none type advice columns are just what the American pop-crazed culture really wants. I hope some of your readers will dig a little deeper into a topic that requires so much more consideration.
What are the 5 ways to apologize?
i hert my sister so badly that she dident talk to me for 5 weeks and i was realy anoyed with my self and shes my only sister i have 4 brothers and i only see two of them it was hard saying good bye and i wasent propared to say good bye to this one so i writ her a note saying sorry and it realy helped we are now best frainds and shes moving to colige this year so good look amy
Sometimes to say i m sorry for what i have done, i won't do it again is nice but it makes know sence when one didn't accepet it. Thanks.
i usually say sorry for the inconvenience, but sometime our apology doesn't make any sense thinking that, it's a great insult and damping enthusiasm in others...i am really into the above suggestions. Thank you.
I found it's hard to say "I'm sorry" for most of the people.Am I surrounded by people as shallow as frying pan ? Or I'm old fashion and its not in style any more ? Perhaps I'm not valued ?
3. Are there ways other than using words that you can apologize?
Great hub, I really enjoyed reading this one. I will be sharing this with my facebook followers! Apologizing is so important to a person, just the recognition that you have hurt or upset them can go a long way in healing your relationship. People are too stubborn and it ends up ruining otherwise good relationships.
excellent hub amy jane.
adresses precisely one of my biggest faults - apologizing.
usually when i make a mistake in a relationship, my first port of call is to justify it, more often than not by shifting the blame on the other person.
sometimes, i find myself simply walking away from a friendship just because i am too proud to admit i was wrong.
this is really eye opening, many thanks.
all the best
m.j?
Great hub,Thanks for the hub
I love how you are so real about this subject. First, you said you bought the book for your husband, then you didn't buy the book for your husband (lol). That shows awesome humility. While insincere apologies are meaningless and hurtful, if everyone focused more on his/her own responsibility when it comes to apologizing, the world would be a better place.
I think an apology should emphasize exactly what a person is sorry for, if they are truly sorry, because one is left to wonder if one truly recognizes a wrong one has caused someone. To me an "I'm sorry" leaves an apoligy empty/bottomless/without form. There is no constructive substance to it. Even an apoligy that says "Im sorry for anything or whatever I may have done to you" is worthless because there is no meaning ie; Anything and whatever is just "that" and is not specific and shows one that the person who is apoligizing isn't giving one the time of day which only makes things worse. I think there should be specific's addressed in an apoligy for it to be construed as heartfelt and genuine. I also believe when apoligies are addressed this way, it is because one is dealing with a person who is prone to too much pride/ego/stubborness. Great hub and a must read!
I really liked this article. It brought up so many good points. Each person is unique. When we are apologizing to them,it is really necessary to give the apology to them in the way that will mean the most to them. It must be honest and come from the heart. We all have had an apology that has felt vacant. It almost makes it worse. I also liked how well you combined humor and advice. You are an excellent writer. I look forward to reading your other hubs.
Great article.Dr.Gary Chapman is one of my favorites.
I love what you said, without an apology the bond will always be broken.
It's like a dark shadow hanging over the relationship.
Thanks for sharing.
- AUTHOR
Lol, Winsome, you have it exactly right!
Multifunctions - I love the idea of an entire day set aside for apologizing. I'm going to have to look up that festival to learn more. Thank you for sharing!
Faith03 - thanks! I agree. A half-hearted apology doesn't do anybody much good.
Nice, well written article! Apologizes are important and should be said whole heartedly, not half.
Thanks for sharing!
thats awesome . very good thoughtful article. do you know there is a festival of apologizing in INDIA . its KSHAMAVANI. (words of apologizing). people apologize all their kith and kins and friends and colleagues for the bad words , feelings,doings and everything else wrong knowingly or unknowingly hurt in the last year till that day and wish and ask for a fresh new start .
Hi Amy, let's see if I got this right--
"Why should I be sorry when you were the one who wore the way-too-tight pants? You should be glad I was honest so no one else has to see you that way and yes, you can count on me being just that candid in the future. No, you don't have to thank me but I would like you to apologize for saying I was insensitive because you know I am sensitive to a fault. If you rub my back I will forgive you."
I think that hits all 5 Wrong Ways to Apologize. =:)
Thank you for a great article, as you can see I can definitely use it.
Huh? I don't get this. Wait, is this page for adults?
I love this advice as i do need to apologize to my sister-in-law, BUT my problem is she owes me one too, and I'm not sure I will get one. Never the less I WILL give her the very sincere apology she does deserve. I guess after that time will tell what happenens. What does happen when you don't get the apology you expect after moving heaven and earth to make sure they get theirs?
great material
- AUTHOR
Thanks James!
nice hub amy!
- AUTHOR
Thank you all for the comments. You are right Julie, the "but" just ruins the apology!
Great Hub and I've always thought if you put a "but" n there you may as well stop your apology right there lol Thx! Julie
can anyone give me the email of the person in the video
i dunno if he's a doctor
plz i need his email
A great hub. I am enlightened!
- AUTHOR
Thank you prasadjain. I am amazed how many comments this hub has gotten over the past year! They just keep coming. I think I really struck a cord.
Good tips Amy,This has elicited too many rsponses.
- AUTHOR
Thanks Jayb23. Apologizing seems so simple, yet many people have trouble with it! It can resolve so many issues in our lives if we just learn to recognize when we are wrong. It opens the door for forgiveness.
Hi Amy, lovely hub. Sometimes just by saying sorry, lots of problems do get resolved, ofcourse it should be sincere.
- AUTHOR
Thanks so much Jim! I think a proper apology is easy to give once you understand how to do it. And it is so simple. :)
Hi Amy,
Great Hub! I absolutely love discovering (profound knowledge) something you can immediately apply to improve the quality of your life! This is what your Hub on
5 Ways To Apologize offers-quick to the point information that can greatly improve your relationships. Become a fan of mine and get your message out to everyone!
Take Care,
Jim
- AUTHOR
Thanks Britney, I'm glad you liked this. I will take a look at your hub too. :)
hi amy...great hub...i have enjoyed reading it...its really good to apologise for your mistake that will make you relax and also the person to whom you are saying sorry.and thanx for adding some more imotion in this sorry word...i am sure it will work.thanx anyway....have a look for this one...i am sure you will like it....
https://hubpages.com/technology/Worlds-most-costli...
thanx
- AUTHOR
Thanks Highway Star!
Great Hub!
- AUTHOR
Thank you all for the comments. I'm so glad you found this apology advice helpful!
Great Hub Amy. If we could all learn to do what we learn it would be a much nicer world.
Amy- I agree if we apologize with out being defensive and also make sure that we don't ever repeat the same mistake again then it would send the message that the apology was sincere in the first place. Great hub.
You are so right. I know I'm not the best at apologizing. So I need that book. As does everyone else, of course. Thanks for the lead.
wow what a great hub! thanks for the tips on how to apologise with sincerity.
- AUTHOR
Thank you!
Nice tips for Apologizing.
- AUTHOR
Hi Madison, I know from experience that apologizing too often isn't a good thing. It leads people to question your sincerity. Thanks for reading!
amy jane,
Good article. We all goof up now and then and owning up to our blunders is a good thing. You're right though; too many apologies is like crying wolf!
Madison
- AUTHOR
Thank you childcen! Glad to hear you enjoyed this. :)
Just wanna let you know that i had a lot of fun just reading your post. I thoroughly enjoyed it :)
- AUTHOR
You're very welcome, funwithtrains! I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading. :)
Great hub! It is so hard to apologize, and even harder to do it the right way -- thanks for teaching us how!
- AUTHOR
You're welcome, blogit! Thanks for reading.
reaaly nice piece of information...thanks
- AUTHOR
Hi Beth, Thanks so much! An apology does lighten the heart!
pcdriverupdate, you are right, for some people forgiving is more difficult than apologizing. Being able to forgive lightens the heart as well, even if it doesn't include "forgetting" the offense. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Interesting hub. Some people have a hard time forgiving, no matter how well the apology is performed. They just want to hold a grudge for spite. I think it also depends on the severity of the offense. If you have damaged trust so severly, you will be hard pressed to be easily forgiven and even if you are forgiven you may not get that trust back.
Hi Amy. Nice hub! Apologizing or accepting an apology really makes a heart lighter and brings warm feeling. :) Great information.
- AUTHOR
Hi market solution, I agree, body language also plays a big role in offering an apology. It makes things fairly clear if there is any question of sincerity. I'm glad you enjoed this. Thanks for adding your opinion!
If a person says I'm sorry and then continues to go on and on about what happened, it wasn't a sincere apology. The actions following an apology and the body language speak volumes as to whether it was sincere or not. I can always tell. Good hub. I wish more people would pay attention to things like this.
- AUTHOR
Hi Torino - I just got rid of that strange comment...weird!
Where did that come from????
- AUTHOR
Thanks adeshwar, it is indeed an art. Glad you liked it. :)
Hi Cat, yes, I think that is the most common cop-out in apologizing. Saying "I'm sorry you are upset" is not an apology at all. Thanks for reading. :)
saying sorry is also is an art, which people very rarely possess . Nice hub. loved it.
- AUTHOR
Thanks torino70! :)
That was a great hub, very informative.
- AUTHOR
Hi Nicole, I do it so naturally too! This book really clarified for me why I have trouble with the way other people attempt to apologize. I am so often unsatisfied! I forgive anyway, but it just isn't as easy.
Wow! I totally agree with you. BTW, the blame-shifting, (that all too consistent, but,) in an apology <really irks me!> ... guys... you're not really apologizing at all when you're adding that one <tiny> word in! (And girls, too.) I never realized what an art there is to apologizing, it is something I do all too naturally.
- AUTHOR
Hi Topstuff, I agree. "Sorry" is rarely enough for me!
Sorry is very usual word and often doesn't satisfy when we are really hurt by someones act.
- AUTHOR
You're welcome, nisanth. Thank you for reading and comenting. I think that learning to apologize is essential to our relationships.
thank you amy , for this valuable piece of information. i was very poor in those 5 languages so far.(i think ), now i am genuinely repenting.i will be thankful to you.
- AUTHOR
Thank you, Stay at Home Dad, I am trying to teach this to my 8-year-old, and she is starting to get it, so good luck with your 12 year-old! I agree, we all struggle with apologizing at some point. :)
I am going to make this hub required reading for my 12 year old. Thanks for this insightful. pertinent hub on a subject everyone struggles with from time to time, including myself... :-)
- AUTHOR
Hi koncling, I agree, it can be so hard to apologize, especially if the person you owe that apology to is not gracious about receiving it. Sometimes you just have to do it anyway. :)
wew nice hub..
but sometimes somehow we feel so hard to say "sorry"
- AUTHOR
Thanks so much Dayzeebee! Apologizing is my specialty. These skills are very useful for me and I am you enjoyed learning about them. :)
your presentation is simply awesome... well-written, well-researched, and well-organized.... it really made me stop and check on myself. thank you. you have educated and empowered me. hats off...
- AUTHOR
Hi Maria, thank you so much for reading. I am so glad to hear that you found this helpful. lol, I will remember that about the shirts! My windows are looking a little hazy. :)
Amy, thank you for the article, it came really handy to me since I had to do an apologize to someone I deeply love, when I was trying to figure what to say, came to surf the web and found the article, God has mistery ways to give us messages, lol, it helped me a lot to try to do it right, but mostly, helped me to understand I shouldn't let my self step out of the line, thank you, and next time you have to clean windows or wax the car remember old t shirts provide smooth rags to do it, hahaha.
- AUTHOR
Hi Tana, thank you for reading and sharing your insights on apologizing and creating change. I agree!
Flutterbug, so glad you like it! Apologizing and be forgiven is an important step in learning to forgive ourselves for the mistakes we have made.
Thank you, Glasvisage, I think many people forget what the word repentance means! It is one of those that get thrown around to much in the wrong ways.
It sounds sad, but maybe it would be helpful to put the five factors in bullets so they're easier to read and think about :) I like the addition of the definition of repentance in here too; it really get the point across.
Love this one. It's hard to apologize sometimes, but I have to if I feel it's needed because it bothers me not to free myself of the guilt and the other person needs to hear it.
Great article, thanks. For me, saying I'm sorry, or you are sorry is just the first step. If I don't see a change in behavior then it means little. We are what we do, what we say, how we act and react. Words are the property of all, while actions are the depth of who we are. Tana
- AUTHOR
Yes, sometimes people don't learn this as a child and it really effects their relationships long term. Also keep in mind that it is unlikely that her parents apologized to her / or eachother when she was growing up, so in a way it is simply that she is not familiar with the benefits of apologizing.
if only i can get my wife to read this.. LOL - i dont think she was ever taught how, when or why to apologize!
- AUTHOR
Hi rmr, I think if you keep apologizing and no one is deeply offended (and the shirt covers your belly adequately) you could keep wearing your souvenir shirt. You are right, there is a boyish charm to it. Honestly, if I need a good laugh my husband will put it on and catch me off guard. It always kills me. I just can't help laughing at him! So if you don't mind the giggles...by all means! I am glad you finally got around to reading this (I bet you thought it was all serious). Now I know that there are many men out there torturing us women with their old t-shirts!
Amy Jane, I do, most sincerely apologize for not reading this hub sooner. Isn't the AC/DC shirt just part of a man's boyish charm? I must admit that I would never wear that shirt. Mine is a Deep Purple shirt from 1986. Can I keep wearing it if I apologize each time?
- AUTHOR
Oh no! Not a KISS t-shirt! My husband has one of those too. Big problem!
Thanks for stopping in to make me laugh. :)
Regrettably so I am far to cynical and facetious to ever appologize. But I would like to appologize for any offense that might have been taken when I wore my 20 year old AC/DC shirt 2 sizes to small for my mid-drift during my reading of this hub.
(it's almost scarey how Amy knows what I am wearing)
I will throw it out immediately and replace it with my much more in style 13 year old KISS muslce shirt.
- AUTHOR
You're welcome, Charlemont. That "but" can be tough to get rid of. I think it becomes a habit. Breaking that habit will be worth the effort for those you are apologizing to! :)
That short and quickly uttered word "but" actually ruins the whole attempt for apology. Sounds simple when read, but has already become an internal habit of me :-(
Very profound and, regretfully, true-to-life thoughts, Amy. Thanks for sharing!
- AUTHOR
Thank you Sandilyn. this is an interesting topic to discuss because most people just take it for granted, thinking they know the best and only way to do it. Looking at the "languages of apology" helps us to understand our own needs and the needs of those around us. Thanks for commenting! :)
What a new and good topic! We all need to realize the importance of those words. So many people do not use words like thank you, excuse me, and I am sorry.
I had a hard time with that one myself when I was younger but someone pointed it out to me and I noticed it. It took a long time to correct it but it sure did make a big difference in my relationships when I did.
We all need to hear those words when someone has hurt us in some way!
- AUTHOR
The Cynosure, thank you! Accepting responsibility is so important, I think, because without it there is little hope of change. If we can't own up to our mistakes, how can we change our future actions?
Thanks Shuey, marriage will test your communication skills in a whole new way. Best of luck in your new adventure. :)
- AUTHOR
Thanks Steve, if you liked the 5 Love Languages, you will definitely enjoy this book. Dr. Chapman is insightful, as always! There is always something more to learn when it comes relationships. :)
That One Girl, Yes, some people may not accept even the most sincere apology because they want an excuse to stay mad. It's sad really, that they would rather hold on to their hurt than forgive. Not to say that forgiveness is easy, but it is necessary if we want to move on. Thank you for reading and commenting. :)
Great hub! I find that since I got married, I am doing 10x more apologizing than I did as a single dude. Lots of good tips and advice.
One should always accept their mistakes and ask for forgiveness. As acceptance is a sign of humility. Amy a Great hub.
I loved this. I'm very sticky about the apologies I receive, too. If it's not sincere, I'll usually forgive, but I'm still quite hurt. When I was a teenager, I stopped apologizing if I didn't truly feel sorry. It was a rather over-the-top response to my little sister's accusation of insincere apologies.
However, it didn't work. Although I only apologized, and apologized nicely with no caveats, when I felt honestly bad for what I had said/done, my sister still accused me of being insincere. It was really quite irritating.
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