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- Separation & Divorce
Divorce Can be Frustrating Even When The Relationship is Has Gone Awry
Divorce Should be Avoided if You Can
Although disagreements are an integral part of a healthy marriage relationship, there are many life events where a dominating person undermines another person’s happiness without giving a damn. Jennifer Gauvain in her article ‘The Shocking Truth for Thirty Percent of Divorced Women’ posted in HuffingtonPost.com said, “If you take ten divorced women and ask them whether they believed on their wedding day that they were marrying the right guy for the right reasons, seven of them would say yes and three would confess they had serious doubts long before walking down the aisle. That’s the shocking truth of thirty percent of divorced women.”
But Gary Chapman wrote, "Presently 40% of first marriages in this country end in divorce. sixty percent of second marriages and seventy-five percent of the third marriages end the same way." From information, re-marrying is not a guaranteed of a successful marriage.
Persistent misunderstandings between couples lead to psychological separation and ultimately divorce. Divorce hurt, so bad, when your spouse cheated on you. Dickson had this to say about his wife. “I loved my wife, I really did. But she cheated on me and blamed me. Maybe it was my fault, I don’t really know. Even though I was more than willing to step up and accept the blame for the problems in our marriage, nothing I did or didn’t do was enough for her to have cheated on me. I took care of her, I worked two jobs to provide for her and our kids, I truly loved her inside and out –despite her imperfections and I still do. But yet somehow, I still failed to keep her. No matter how much I gave or what I did, it wasn’t enough for her. I felt like a moron for the efforts I made to save tour marriage. With all I did she still cheated with this other man. I finally grew tired and sued for divorce.”
Divorce is a multi-years process that begins when one or both mates feel that they had chosen the wrong partner, for the wrong reason/s, at the wrong time. Divorce involves expensive court cases, which cause couples to borrow from their parents, remortgage and even sell their houses in order to fight these cases. To fight one of these protracted, bitter contests, you would have to be brimming with cash.
Years of increasing stress, frustration, distrust, declining respect, ineffective communication, and disillusionments between mates debilitate tender marriage bonds. Disturbances in your partner’s mental make-up cause imbalance in the energy system, which triggers a sequence of physiological activities that culminates in ill-health or unhealthy body and mind condition.
John Gottman in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work wrote, “One of the saddest reasons a marriage dies is that neither spouse recognizes its value until it is too late. Only after the papers have been signed, the furniture divided, and separate apartments rented do the exes realize how much they really gave up when they gave up on each other. Too often a good marriage is taken for granted rather than given the nurturing and respect it deserves and desperately needs.”
Judith S. Wallerstein a psychologist and author of ‘Second Chances: Men, Women and Children a Decade After Divorce wrote, “But after a year or two, it was expected, most would get their lives back on track, at least outwardly. Parents and children would get on with new routines, new friends and new schools, taking full opportunity of the second chances that divorce brings in its wake. These views have been found to be wishful thinking.”
She’d poured all her energy into the marriage. Now that it was over, and hadn’t yielded the result she’d wished for, she felt hollow and depleted. In the context of a divorcing couple, however, it simply involves listing negative things about the other person in the hope of scoring cheap points with assassination of each other’s character. It is not uncommon at all for parties to make huge poisonous claims against each other which turn out to be unfounded. The men always claim that the women are uncooperative, while the women always claim that the men are abusers.
Divorce can ruin you. It will take your weaknesses, expose them, magnify them, and ignite them. You will most likely never claw your way back to civilized relationship afterward. The couple marinated in a mutual hatred so intense to the extent it amounts to a personality disorder. Some degenerate to the level of sending abusive, vulgarity-laced text to each other. The situation becomes laughable. The wife, who most times has custody of the children, poisoned them irreparably against their father.
Why is divorce so bad for children? They miss the absent parent very much. Divorce also leads to issues such as step parents and step-siblings, who can cause further problems for the children to deal with. I think before people have children they need to seriously think about their relationship and whether it is strong enough to last, and whether they can be unselfish enough to put their children’s need first.
Far too many divorced parents bicker, argue, and say unkind things in front of the kids about the other parent. Too many parents think too much about themselves and revenge on their partner, and not enough about what is best for the children. Naturally, a divorce with much strife is awful. But if parents, divorce in a sensible way without much strife –it is much healthier for their children’s psyche than having unhappy parents who try to destruct each other’s image as much as they could.
Renita Weems wrote that, “Love means exposing yourself to being hurt, deeply hurt, by someone you trust.” Going through divorce can hurt so deeply that, at times, you feel as though you’re being stretched further than you’ve ever been stretched before –mentally, emotionally, physically and financially. If you’ve been through tough times in your life before, you may have an inner knowledge of the ordeal, pain and the sense of loss, divorced couples feel.
When a marriage ends, it’s not just the pain of losing love that you endure. There’s also the sadness of the loss of the dream of living happily ever after and the anger of being unable to trust any kind of permanence. This pain can be all-consuming. It is not uncommon for deep pain to cause depression, which can lead to a loss (or increase) in appetite or sleep apathy, or isolating behaviors. For those whose pain has reached this level of suffering, it’s important to seek out additional support from friends, family and professionals.
The problem of broken homes and marriage has taken its toll on many societies and nations. It is a major cause of social maladjustment, hooliganism, armed robbery, gangsterism, occultism, rape, teenage pregnancy, drug abuse, examination malpractice, stealing, killing; all manner of juvenile delinquency and social malaise from which the entire populace suffers and also pays dearly in an attempt to redress.
Pre-divorce period includes attempts to heal the marriage with various remedies, including counseling. Seeing a counselor about relationship definitely has its benefits. A counselor can sometimes help both partners to identify the situations that have caused misunderstanding and disagreements and ask them to modify their thinking process. But it can’t always easily help them in eliminating the inner cause; apart the process can be quite uncomfortable and challenging.
Either of the partners might also be reluctant to go with the other to the counselor, making it a one-sided intervention, thereby offering little real help in changing the relationship for the better. Sometimes, the problem with counseling is that it is often a long, costly and painful process and sometimes creates a dependent relationship with the counselor. Once again, unless both partners are willing to attend and take responsibility for change, the success rate can be disappointing.
This phase ends with one mate moving out or calling a lawyer. Divorce usually involves several years spawning a mix of reconciliation tries, mediations, and legal battles which amplify weariness, distrusts, disrespects, and often adds new stressors like legal bills.