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What Not to Say When Meeting His Parents for the First Time|Over 20 Practical Tips for When You Meet His Parents

Updated on August 2, 2014

Are you a little crazy but rock a straight jacket?

Do you often look like this?
Do you often look like this?
Are there skeletons or bodies in your closet?
Are there skeletons or bodies in your closet?
Do you need to smoke to feel sane?
Do you need to smoke to feel sane?
Has anyone tried to perform an exorcism on you?
Has anyone tried to perform an exorcism on you?

He has finally gotten up the nerve to have you meet the parents, and you want to make a good impression with them. I have already written an article for guys in this situation titled What Not to Say When You Meet Her Parents for the First Time, and that article has saved millions of relationships (Okay, maybe two relationships). So, without further adieu, the following is a list of things you do not want to say to them when you first meet them:

1. Do not mention that you two have had a recent pregnancy scare.

2. Furthermore, do not tell the parents that if you were pregnant, one would also need a paternity test.

3. Absolutely, do not finish the conversation by saying, “Oh well, at least I did not have track down like a dozen guys.”

4. Do not mention that he was huge fan of your “adult” films.

5. Do not reveal that he is, “So good with your five children when he babysits them”.

6. Do not bring up the fact that you met during a Ménage à trois.

7. Do not point out that he was one of your favorite tricks.

8. Do not talk to them about how you met because you had the same drug dealer.

9. Do not tell them that he was the first boy you dated once you were released from the asylum.

10. Do not brag about how naive he was about sado masochism.

11. Do not ask his parents if they want to compare prison tattoos.

12. Do not ask why they chose not to have him uncircumcised.

13. Do not mention how you met him at the strip club.

14. Do not reveal the fact that you are currently pregnant with another man's child.

15. Do not share with them the story about how you married your cousin married at fourteen.

16. If the dad says your face looks familiar, do not tell him that he might remember you from A Girls Gone Wild video.

17. Do not mention your appearances on Cops, America’s Most Wanted , and World’s Dumbest Criminals .

18. Do not bring up the fact that you were on the television show Intervention.

19. Do not mention that he does not expect that you used to be a guy.

20. Even if it comes up in conversation, do not mention that you are quite familiar with stripper poles and stripper pole rash.

21. Don’t say to the mother that now you see why he is such a momma’s boy.

22. Do not ask the mom how long it took her to get used to her man’s shortcomings, if you know what I mean.

23. Do not mention that your nickname for him is Superman because he is faster than a speeding bullet.

24. It is okay to bring up the fact that he is a whiner. It is not okay to mention that he whines whenever he has to be checked for gonorrhea.

25. If you notice a lot of crosses displayed in his parent’s home, do not mention that you think religion is a crutch and opium for the masses.

26. Do not tell them how you were planning to sacrifice him to Satan until you found out he was not a virgin.

In closing, you are now armed and ready to meet the parents. Wait! You do not want to go to his parent’s house literally armed because you might go back to jail or the asylum. Just follow the advice on the list and take a nice bottle of wine (and never once let it cross your mind that a broken wine bottle makes a good weapon).

Were you nervous when you met the parents for the first time?

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