What Is Wrong With My Relationship and Dealing With a Passive Aggressive Mate

Relationships are complicated. We bring with us our history, baggage, our beliefs, events that have shaped us, our style of coping. Our personalities are unique, and so are our relationships. There are many personalities that make relationships tougher. One such personality type is the passive aggressive person.

Intimate relationships are always complex. When your mate is passive aggressive, not only is the relationship complex, but it can also be confusing. As we look at the personality disorder of a passive aggressive person, this may help you understand what is going on.

While everyone has passive aggressive tendencies, there are some people who have a pattern of behavior that dominates behaving in a passive aggressive manner. This is known as passive aggressive personality disorder and this is the type of person who makes the relationship unhealthy, confusing, complex, and destructive.

Passive aggressive people have the type of personality that serves their own needs. They are actually hostile people who harbor great anger and resentment from their childhood that stems from not being permitted to express their own feelings to adults who either dominated or neglected their emotional needs. As adults they fear and resent authority figures, a position they often view their mates as, rather than as an equal partner. Passive aggressive people don’t deal with their own feelings in a healthy way, and this creates an unhealthy relationship with their partner.

It is hard to spot a passive aggressive person. They are good at acting. Passive aggressive people will seem agreeable, they are actually some of the most charming, personable, and nice people on the surface. But behind closed doors, lurks a husband or wife who has ulterior unconscious motives to make their mate as unhappy as they are. They will say yes, but not really do what is asked of them. They will forget to do it, they will do it wrong, or tell you they can’t really do it. They may criticize you, be sarcastic, be emotionally abusive, and then be very nice to you. It causes you to be forgiving, and confused. They want to frustrate you and get you angry. A passive aggressive person takes joy in seeing you frustrated and wants to get you angry, to yell, to let your temper show. They want to get you to do all the things they can’t do, and they take joy in seeing you react this way. A passive aggressive person gets power from this. In reality, a passive aggressive person is insecure, has low self esteem, and is dependent on their partner.

They are dependent, but need to keep their distance for fear they will show their own emotions, and their anger may be let out too. Often passive aggressive people have other emotional issues, which only complicate the ability to have a healthy relationship with others. They don’t mean it, but they have no compassion for their mate. Passive aggressive people are very manipulative, and they always have excuses. They make their mate feel responsible for the things they don’t want to do. A passive aggressive person makes themselves the victim, so no one suspects their evil side. They say one thing, but really mean another. They give back handed compliments. When you try to confront them, they will deny or say you misunderstood, or pout. You feel confused and end up apologizing.

Passive aggressive people seek to control the emotions of others so they can control their own behavior. They can deny responsibility for they anger they caused. If you aren’t sure if you are dealing with a passive aggressive person, take a look at their behavior. If their purpose is to deflect responsiblity of the anger off of themselves and onto you, and it causes you to feel frustration, while they blame you and don’t show anger, you are probably dealing with a passive aggressive person. An aggressive person will make you feel angry, but they show their anger too. You can’t deal with the feelings going on with a passive aggressive person. They are looking to displace their own feelings of anger on you. Passive aggressive people intentionally want to cause emotional pain and distress.

Passive aggressive people do not know how to deal with their own feelings of anger so they look to express it indirectly by causing other people to act out from the frustration the passive aggressive person has caused. This is all done so they don’t have to take responsibility for their feelings. Often they withdraw as a way of denying the negative feelings they may be sensing. By frustrating their mate, it helps them not have to confront the issues. A relationship with a passive aggressive person never has issues resolved because they won’t deal with resolution in order to avoid conflict. They also have trouble understanding their own feelings and want to avoid any hint of anger within themselves, because they don’t know how to handle these feelings.

Passive aggressive people are skilled at blaming others. They do this by rephrasing comments so the blame shifts to the other person. It is another way to avoid confrontation and honest communication.

Passive aggressive people harbor so much unresolved hostility, they look to get revenge on their mates. They hurt the other person without taking any responsibility. Because they view their mate as an authority figure, and resent authority figures since they couldn’t stand up to their parents as a child. They seek revenge with who they are currently with. They may hurt their mate by using a wekness they know about, against them.

Passive aggressive people look to control others indirectly, often through emotional abuse, sarcasm, and guilt.

Passive aggressive people use words that sound caring and reasonable. But if the interaction makes you feel deflated, frustrated, and as though you are the crazy one, you are more than likely dealing with a passive aggressive person.

If you choose to stay in a relationship with a passive aggressive person, the best thing you can do is to be self aware and have self control. Self aware, knowing they are out to get you to react the way they want you to react, which is angrily. if you can have self control and not show your anger they will not be rewarded for their efforts. If you remain calm, they can't engage and get what they want. When you do confront them use words with I instead of you so you make some less defensive and they are less likely to walk away, withdrawal, or pout.

Passive aggressive people are very resistant to change. Because this personality disorder came about as a coping mechanism in childhood, they are unaware they are not dealing with their feelings. They are also extremely sensitive to actual and perceived criticism.

A passive aggressive person cannot offer emotional support to their partner, and they are not good team players. If you need emotional support you will not get it from the passive aggressive partner, who would more than likely turn a cold shoulder to you, than deal with the emotions they don’t know how to handle.

Most passive aggressive people were raised by highly critical parents, causing them to be extra sensitive to being judged. Most anything you say to them will be distorted and turned into them feeling as though they have been criticized. Even if it is perceived and not something you actually said to them, they believe they have been criticized. This will also cause them to walk away, and discontinue any discussion.

All these aspects make it very difficult to be in a relationship with a passive aggressive

Passive aggressiveness is well known as the crazy making behavior. They are not happy people, so they certainly can’t make the relationship happy. There are different extremes of passive aggressive behavior. The mask a passive aggressive person wears comes off eventually. Sometimes it can take months, years, or decades for more of the passive aggressive behavior to be exposed. There are also different tolerance levels mates can have. But once you are aware of the passive aggressive behavior, you can either accept it, or get out of the relationship. The passive aggressive person is unlikely to change their deep systemic problem.

Passive aggressive people tend to want a mate who is nuturing, helpful, and pleasing. They distort the truth, and victimize themselves. A passive aggressive person will not be there for you or your children in time of need. They will walk away when you try to have a discussion. Whether you speak calmly, cry, or have the most logical requests, they will resist, and will take it as a criticism, being blamed, and attacked. They won’t listen, they won’t be empathetic, they won’t take responsibility, and they will be closed off to what you are saying and to your concerns. They are more likely to shut down than to respond. Passive aggressive people are really emotionally detached from others, because they don’t understand their own emotions.

They make themselves look like the calm one, as they covertly pound on the frustration, anger, and cause their mate to react to their obstinate and oppositinal behavior. They manipulate their partner into believing things are their fault. They want to make their partner crazy, and the passive aggressive person enjoys it. The passive aggressive person is really miserable, and they believe everyone else is causing it.

Communication is the key to a successful and close relationship. Without honest communication your relationship cannot grow. It isn’t easy to be in a relationship. It is especially difficult to be in a relationship with a passive aggressive person. Some passive aggressive people may seek help and be helped, but few do, mostly because they are unaware of their feelings and their behavior. There rarely is a solution, or a way to reason with them, or a way to change them. The best you can do is be self aware of the reality you have to deal with. If you are in a relationship with a passive aggressive person, be aware of what you are dealing with. Accept what you can. Control your own behavior, and set limits and boundaries about what you will let them get away with. You can only do your best to change your own behavior, you can get out of the relationship, or you can continue the way things are. It is your choice, but awareness is the start of a new beginning.