When Your Boyfriend Wants to Go Back to Being Just Friends

The guy I've been on and off with for the past four years just decided he's not having...

anymore. But he still calls me every day just to hang out. He doesn't want [the physical relationship] (and I have tried to get him to do it) so what gives? Why all of a sudden is he wanting the friends thing? Its like we went backwards.

- AyeBaybay

Thank you for requesting a Hub from me.

The fact that you two have been on and off for 4 years lends me to think he's had other girlfriends during that time. 

The most logical conclusion would be that he's getting intimate, involved, or more serious with someone else, and that's why he's pulled away from a physical relationship with you.

Usually when a guy just wants to be friends, it means he doesn't want to be just friends with somebody else. 

Even if there isn't someone else in the picture, she may be in his head and heart. Or she may be someone he's realizing that he'd like to find. Do you know what I mean? Maybe as he's maturing and moving through life, he's figuring out the kind of woman he'd like to be involved with. 

His pulling away from that type of involvement with you is a sign that he's "just not that into you" like that anymore. 

With the on again off again status for years, he may have just come to this place in his head where he sees you as a buddy and not as a girlfriend. He may truly have feelings for you as a friend and want to keep that connection in his life. But through all the break ups, the starts and the stops, the others he's dated, he may have just come to the point where he just does not see you as a girlfriend anymore, as much as he may have tried to. 

There really is nothing you can do to make someone want to date you that only wants to be friends with you. If you two really are friends, you should be able to talk about this with him. He may be avoiding this conversation because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Plus he may not even understand exactly what he's feeling himself. If there is another woman in his mind and in his life, he should be enough of a friend to come clean with you about that. 

This is my feeling on this one. He just wants to be friends. The relationship is not progressing because he doesn't see you that way. You're right, you went backwards, back to being friends. Maybe if you take a good break, and just be friends for a good long time, who knows what the future will bring. But for now you should probably just let the idea of his being your boyfriend go.

One other thing I feel I should mention, is that sometimes a non-interest in intimacy indicates a medical condition or problem. If he's lost his desire, or is unable to express it, if he is self conscious about a change in appearance or something else private, he really should be encouraged to see a doctor. If you think these are symptoms rather than feelings, help him not to ignore them, and to get the professional opinion of a medical expert. 

Good luck to you!