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When Your Boyfriend Wants to Go Back to Being Just Friends

Updated on August 14, 2010

Hub Request from AyeBaybay

The guy I've been on and off with for the past four years just decided he's not having...

anymore. But he still calls me every day just to hang out. He doesn't want [the physical relationship] (and I have tried to get him to do it) so what gives? Why all of a sudden is he wanting the friends thing? Its like we went backwards.


Dear AyeBaybay,

Thank you for requesting a Hub from me.

The fact that you two have been on and off for 4 years lends me to think he's had other girlfriends during that time. 

The most logical conclusion would be that he's getting intimate, involved, or more serious with someone else, and that's why he's pulled away from a physical relationship with you.

Usually when a guy just wants to be friends, it means he doesn't want to be just friends with somebody else. 

Even if there isn't someone else in the picture, she may be in his head and heart. Or she may be someone he's realizing that he'd like to find. Do you know what I mean? Maybe as he's maturing and moving through life, he's figuring out the kind of woman he'd like to be involved with. 

His pulling away from that type of involvement with you is a sign that he's "just not that into you" like that anymore. 

With the on again off again status for years, he may have just come to this place in his head where he sees you as a buddy and not as a girlfriend. He may truly have feelings for you as a friend and want to keep that connection in his life. But through all the break ups, the starts and the stops, the others he's dated, he may have just come to the point where he just does not see you as a girlfriend anymore, as much as he may have tried to. 

There really is nothing you can do to make someone want to date you that only wants to be friends with you. If you two really are friends, you should be able to talk about this with him. He may be avoiding this conversation because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Plus he may not even understand exactly what he's feeling himself. If there is another woman in his mind and in his life, he should be enough of a friend to come clean with you about that. 

This is my feeling on this one. He just wants to be friends. The relationship is not progressing because he doesn't see you that way. You're right, you went backwards, back to being friends. Maybe if you take a good break, and just be friends for a good long time, who knows what the future will bring. But for now you should probably just let the idea of his being your boyfriend go.

One other thing I feel I should mention, is that sometimes a non-interest in intimacy indicates a medical condition or problem. If he's lost his desire, or is unable to express it, if he is self conscious about a change in appearance or something else private, he really should be encouraged to see a doctor. If you think these are symptoms rather than feelings, help him not to ignore them, and to get the professional opinion of a medical expert. 

Good luck to you!

Be My Friend


Submit a Comment

  • profile image

    jam 6 years ago

    Very nice advice. What if my ex says that he wants us to be friends but wants to be intimate and he always follow me whenever i go out of town because of work. does a normal guy friend do this?

  • Veronica profile image

    Veronica 7 years ago from NY

    Thanks Lisa

  • Lala_Lisa profile image

    Lala_Lisa 7 years ago

    Veronica your advice as always is spot-on. I think you really gave this a good listen-to, and you gave great advice. I agree, I think it sounds like the relationship has run its course and he doesn't want to be intimate because he doesn't see her as a gf any more. But it was very wise of you to mention the possibility that there's a medical thing going on. A neighbor of mine here in Florida about 5 years ago, her daughter and son in law broke up because the son in law didn't want to sleep with her anymore. She thought the worse and he was too embarrassed I guess to just tell her that for some reason he wasn't getting aroused. Anyway it turned out it was a combination of things one was medication he was taking for something unrelated from the doctor, and he had a small cyst growing in a spot that affected things. Not to get personal. But he did finally go to the doctor and get well. I am sure that situation is the exception to the rule and I think your advice was totally correct. But I also think it was very responsible of you to put the medical part in the article since you just never know. I hope AyeBay takes your advice and moves on. Thank you for all your great work on hubpages. You are the most thoughtful writer on here.

  • kazeemjames01 profile image

    kazeemjames01 7 years ago

    Interesting and educative.

  • Veronica profile image

    Veronica 7 years ago from NY

    dallas93444 I love your comments. Thanks so much!

  • dallas93444 profile image

    Dallas W Thompson 7 years ago from Bakersfield, CA

    Life: everything in life is involved in relationships... Sounds like he has "icing" on his cake with someone else...

  • eshaw profile image

    eshaw 7 years ago from Huntsville

    yeah he might be involved with someone else or he dislikes some changes you have made to yourselve and has become uninterested and physically and he reminds friend because he enjoy you company