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Why I Loved a Dirty Man and I'm Sorry Now

Updated on August 13, 2012

Update: Dirty Inside and Out

I didn't have much hope when I drove downstate to meet a farmer for lunch one summer Saturday. From our lively correspondence on our dating site I knew he was intelligent and politically aware, but those were a mere fraction of what I was looking for. Taking the wrong exit I got seriously lost, and when I phoned his cell he said "Don't worry." I finally got there, 90 minutes late, out of breath and very embarrassed, sure that he would take offense the way I would if a first date had stood me up for an hour and a half. He was sitting and patiently waiting, and I looked into his eyes, and saw them light up like two blue stars.

First impressions: Nice eyes. But does that beard have to be so big? Oh, a hairy chest, too! He's a little large around the middle to be wearing a plaid shirt. And what's with the shuffling? He's wearing Teva sandals: what scary-looking feet! He had fresh cuts on his forearms and although his shirt was clean and his hair and beard freshly shampooed, his nails were lined with black. I immediately asked the waitress for a beer. The restaurant didn't serve any. As we talked and lunched I became more and more depressed. I deserved better. I was still suffering from a breakup with the cleanest guy in the world, who always smelled great, had a good haircut and wore the whitest socks and sneakers. The only problem was that Mr. Clean's every word was a lie, including "and" and "the."

Mr. Farmer told jokes, some lame and some funny. My heart ached. He was trying so hard to impress me and here I was judging him. I said I would pay for my own lunch and he let me: appalling. We'd both just driven a long way so I suggested a walk at a nearby park. He apologized and said he couldn't because he was sore all over: a thousand-pound hay bale had fallen and knocked him down. That explained the shuffling and the cuts on the arms. He could barely move. We sat side by side on a bench in a deserted schoolyard and talked. He was nice enough, smart and kindly, but he really needed detailing. I didn't say so; I wanted to continue emailing because it was at least entertaining. Then I drove on home.

A week later I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Mr. Clean fled and hid. Mr. Farmer was serious and sympathetic. Two weeks later I met again with Mr. Farmer. I thought this time he might have read my thoughts and taken the time to clean up. I was wrong.

I lived. After my surgery, Mr. Farmer was one of the first people to email, and one of the first I emailed in return. I told myself I had found a friend.

To make a long story short, we fell in love. I loved him and for two years and ten months and he said he loved me. I loved just holding him, laying my cheek on his hairy chest. I thought he was a man of impeccable character, so I tolerated his "diamond in the rough" appearance. It was a long-distance relationship, not exactly ideal, and I should have guessed he might start "seeing" other women, but had been lulled into trusting him, he acted so warm and wonderful and glad to see me. He confessed he had taken up with a married woman and had been too ashamed to say so. "I didn't want to hurt you," he said. He was also "seeing" other women, an ex and a cougar, and spreading disease among them and me. I had bladder surgery and $900 in medical bills for an infection he repeatedly gave me.When he finally admitted he was a player, he said, "I'm sorry I'm not the man you thought I was," blaming me for being fooled by his dishonesty. I regret trusting him and wonder why he worked so hard to get and keep my trust if he was going to abuse it.

I will never trust a dirty man again. Go with your first impressions; if he's fat and dirty outside, that's a hint that the inside is infected and oozing.

He was dirty inside as well as out!


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    • copywriter31 profile image

      James Ranka 

      6 years ago from Port Neches

      I REALLY enjoyed reading this story! I love your writing style, and I stayed riveted all the way to the end. I don't know if this is a true story . . . if it is true, you've made it clear that you've been to hell and back. Either way; true or not, I'm hugely impressed with your writing skills and I am a new follower!

    • Sinea Pies profile image

      Sinea Pies 

      7 years ago from Northeastern United States

      This man sounds like one in a million. You should love him...he's lovable! What a guy. You are blessed.

    • sonia05 profile image


      7 years ago from india

      rulalenska,wonderful hub,really enjoyed reading it. You are one lucky person to have found a true and genuine mate. Your hub has a very important message in it i.e superficial things or outward appearance do not count in life,what really matters is the person's character or his or her inner beauty! You have found a beautiful soul! Please accept my good wishes for both of you!!


    • your cybersister profile image

      your cybersister 

      7 years ago from Just relocated from Florida to the mountains of North Carolina

      It sounds like you have found a diamond in the rough. You need to keep appreciating him more and worrying about his appearance less. It sounds like he is making efforts to please you in this area, so that's another thing in his favor. My husband does a lot of jobs that get him pretty dirty - there is often stuff under his nails and his knuckles are always banged up, he sweats so much that he has to hang his wet clothes in the garage when he comes home from working, and he has stained and torn an unbelievable number of pants, but why should that matter to me? He had an incident with a can of black spray paint on our wedding day that left his hands covered with black spots and blackened nails, but I was so happy to see him there waiting for me and so happy to put the ring on his finger I wouldn't have cared if his hands had been totally blackened. He's the greatest guy and the best thing that ever happened to me. And he does clean up well most of the time...

    • neeleshkulkarni profile image


      7 years ago from new delhi

      hey good you found someone.stick to him- such guys are rare in todays rarified atmoshpere.


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