- Gender and Relationships
Should I get divorced?
First things first
NO!! Do not consider divorce unless you are in a situation of life and death against each other. You would be glad after few years that you dodged this bullet. I would highly encourage you to try your best to avoid divorce to the last minute.
So you are wondering, that was fast, why so strong "NO"? if you are seriously seeking to get more insights and view points in this matter, read further to learn about this social curse. Let us start by examining the graph...
As you would notice in the graph image in the article, the divorce rate is highest among younger couples. It speaks something, its not just a coincidental quantitative stats image!! There is a strong correlation of maturity of age and understanding of the deeper concepts of marriage. As we grow, we continue refining our learning, hence tendency to be divorced declines... Well with that brief setup, let us learn...
I'd cover three topics:
- What is Divorce?
- Why does "divorce" situation occur?
- What can be done to dodge this situation?
What is Divorce?
Divorce is an agreement between a married man and woman to get separated legally and live their own lives as they wish! Note the word “agreement”. Two individuals are agreeing to live separate. So by nature this is the last agreement in married life. Why reach that last agreement stage. Why not agree on small things that lead you to this final agreement? I invite all sociologists and researchers to provide their valuable opinions to this basic hypothesis.
"Every divorce originates from small-small disagreements. These small things accummulate over time and lead to bigger problems ultimately reaching this last agreement - DIVORCE!!!"
Why does "Divorce" situation occur?
When a man and woman gets married, they are committing to each other to be together in all situations. In all religions and countries around the world, at the time of marriage, every man and woman take an oath to stay together in all situations for entire life. Then suddenly within few months and years, why does the desire to live separate arise? In all situations, it starts with a very small issue that keeps getting bigger and bigger and leading the couple to divorce without they even noticing it. Let us understand the dynamics of before and after marriage:
Before marriage a man and woman overlook every flaw that each one have and focus on all the strengths that created the attraction between two. They do a little-little things for each other to impress and keep the bond stronger. Also since each of them are living separate, they only get a few hours together in which their minds are prepared to enjoy the time together. At this stage both are independent, totally oblivious to any responsibilities that the two would have if they were married.
After marriage all this changes suddenly. What are those changes:
- The couple starts spending more time together!
- The space between their personal lives shrink to the job that they now have to do!
- Both become immediately responsible to build and manage the home!
- Each one starts seeing the magnified view of flaws as they spend more time together in more natural state of mind!
- Watching TV, going out with friends, instantaneous decision making etc etc etc all becomes a history!
- Demands start getting stronger for both sides and are logically challenged!
Obviously, that is not what each side expected.
In simple analytical ways, if both sides saw each other for 2-4 hours daily on average then they had 100% care free devoted time for each other building the dreams. After marriage, both have now 12- 16 hours with only 2-4 hours for care free talks or not even that this reducing percentage of good time to 10% - 30%. Obviously there is reduction in love, care etc.. etc.. meaning “good times are gone!!”
Well here is what you can do to avoid divorce:
- Bring back that feeling of care that you had before marriage in each activity if you can.
- If one starts the argument, the second one can remind of oneself of the good time, give a hug and say “Honey, I am not in a mood to fight, let us discuss this when we are both in neutral state!”’
- Keep expressing the love in various ways you can.
- Keep mutual expectations to minimal from each other for “100% care”.
- If you both can spend some quality time with each other, utilize that time to fullest. All other time focus on rest of 90% responsibilities that you have.
- Celebrate your birthdays, anniversaries or any special events. For example, take a half or full day off on such special days and at least have a meal together.
- When you notice flaws in each other, remind yourself of strengths and good times knowing that even those would be there. All roses accompany thorns. Depends which one you care the most. If you care for thorns, you’d stay away from feeling the beauty and smell of rose petals, but if you focus on that feeling, you would forget the pain of thorns in no time.
- Treat every day as a new day. One of my mentors helped me to learn this mantra for professional life. I find it very useful in my personal relationship too.
Finally, remember, wear and tear is part of life. If you keep worrying about wear and tear, you’d be detached from the enjoyment of life. I have another article that helps you making relationship sweeter than sweet. Look for links below to get more insights on things you can do to improve your relation.
My other relationship articles
- How to make your relationship sweeter than sweet
This article is written to save marriages to enter a situation that not only hurts two individuals but also their families. With some simple actionable suggestions, you can make your life sweeter than sweet.