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Women and Sex After Marriage

Updated on November 15, 2015

Women and Sex After Marriage

What happens?

You meet the man of your dreams, you can’t get enough of each other.

Life is bliss, you marry, have children. The careers change or grow. Years later the kids leave home, you’re grandparents.

During the years, you had a hysterectomy. Now you’re older, hormonally challenged, over weight and libido is just not what it use to be.

The hubby is still going strong, or maybe his desire has increased. He’s thinking an empty house - several sexual events a day seems just right.

But you, now middle aged, been married 20 or so years, you’re thinking - once or so a week is more than enough.

Fussing increases, love and sex are two totally separate issues, but when one’s sexual needs are not being met he thinks it’s “him.” He thinks maybe you don’t love him any more. He questions your love, you question his needs.

You still love each other deeply, but the desire is just gone. Do you try hormones, with their health risks? Natural herbs?

So weight seems to be an issue. Diet after diet leaves you fatter than before. Alcohol eases the stress, but seems to decrease the libido even more. And the weight gain increases.

Some suggestions that may help, take those natural herbs. This can include black cohosh, ginseng, gingko, licorice root, and/or a specially designed combination for women with low libido. It’s worth a try.

Next, start a healthy eating pattern. No fad diet. No lose weight quick scheme. Add walking to the plan. Walk 4-5 times a week for at least 30 minutes. Try to walk at fast speed. Don’t go so fast you can’t keep it up, but fast enough to get your heart pumping.

My guess is that over the years, you and hubby have little in common as far as hobbies go. Find something you both enjoy and do it together. Follow a sports team, watch a new TV series together, get out and walk together, find some music or art. What ever it is, find it and do it.

Plan a date night. Enjoy some romance, maybe a candle lit dinner. It doesn’t have to be expensive, you can even do this at home. After all, the house is empty now.

Talk about each other’s needs. Acknowledge that time has changed some things, but also time has strengthened things too. Agree on setting goals that suit both your needs.

Maybe now would be a good time to introduce some “toys” into the bedroom. Agree to surprise each other with something once in a while. Don’t be pushy, you both must feel comfortable with any new things, and strive to please each other.

There are plenty of relationship therapist out there, tons of self help books, and forums. Just don’t let your marriage suffer or end. Time changes our bodies, but we shouldn’t give up. Work together, find a way that makes you both feel loved and satisfied. Most of all, be able to talk open and honestly with each other.

Please feel free to share your experiences, tips or suggestions in the comments.

*As with any diet or exercise plan, speak to your doctor first. Tell the doctor of your intentions to take herbal therapies and ensure they won’t interfere or interact with your prescription medicines.


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    • no body profile image

      Robert E Smith 

      3 years ago from Rochester, New York

      Interesting article Donna, and great comment (DashingScorpio). I've watched the Simpsons since the start and I've decided to be the Anti-Homer. I have decided real people who love each other have to court each other every day. It means that you have to keep going the way it was when dating. One must remember the most delicious aspects of his wife and continually reinforce how he feels completed by her. None of this, "she knows I love her so why should I tell her all the time?" Say it! but more than say it, make her feel it. Take time every day to make her smile or laugh if you can. Tell her the truth and let her know how very sexy she is to you. (I pretend to get angry if she undresses in a part of the room where I can't see her. It always gets us laughing. Whether it means sex after or not doesn't matter. Doing such silly things creates a stronger unique FRIENDSHIP. I never say a negative thing about her behind her back. It is another rule of mine. Over the years she knows that we have to clear the air sometimes and discuss things that we need to work on. Another rule of mine is to never ever deny her intimacy, intimacy in every form. It has been my practice to have a new pair of warmed socks ready for her and as soon as she lays down they go on her feet and her feet are warmed by my hands and soft message. I just started doing this for no reason other than it seemed romantic. Men have been "given a pass" as to romance, as to consideration or reinforcement of their love. Many men think that it is not what MEN do. Mature people don't do all that lovey-dovey stuff. And of course it is true. Men don't usually do all that and would be embarrassed if the guys knew that they did, but personally I don't care. I sometimes gauge my romance by reaction of my friends if my wife "brags" about some silly thing I did as if I was a hero or something. The more they squirm and affirm they would never do such a thing or it seems "UN-masculine" the more I know I'm on the right track. There is so much reinforcement for guys in media today to keep surprising their wives every day for the rest of their lives. Thank you Donna and DashingScorpio for great reads. Bob.

    • dashingscorpio profile image


      3 years ago

      There are some good tips here.

      I also think sometimes it's human nature to not want to put much effort into something one has little or no desire for even if they enjoy the final results. Lots of people hate going to the gym but after the workout they're glad.

      It's important to remember that sex in many ways is the difference between having a romantic relationship and a platonic relationship. In fact it's sex & romance that separates relationship from friendship, sibling, and paternal love.

      The underlying reason why someone would make the vow to "forsake all others" is because they assume they have someone who is "committed" to addressing those needs and desires and therefore should have no reason to go outside of their marriage.

      When we change our circumstances change.

      If one person wants sex 4 times a week and the other wants it 1 time then over the course of a 52 week year we're looking 208 VS 52 times per year! You don't have to be a rocket scientist to see the potential for trouble. What often happens is the person with lower libido will attempt to "shame" the mate with the higher libido. That's not the solution!

      As you noted many men will feel unloved if their wives don't want to have sex with them. I think women underestimate how much men want women to (desire and initiate sex) with them.

      I suspect it's one of the reasons why many men are drawn to pornography and strip clubs. The women in those situations act seductively towards men and make them feel (desired and craved for) as if they can't get enough of them.

      Women on the other hand are use to men hitting on them or trying to have sex with them. Generally speaking the only time men get that kind of attention is during the "infatuation phase" of (new relationship), or if they're rich famous celebrities/athletes or rock stars.

      At some point the person with the higher sex drive will review their options. It's not a surprise that many men with women on the other side of menopause opt to file for divorce or cheat. Many who do remarry will select a younger wife to avoid many of the issues that occur with menopause in some women.

      The longer a couple has been together the more they have to {prioritize} romance and passion in their relationship!

      Some people make the mistake of believing the less sex a couple has the deeper their love. In many ways sex is the icing on the cake.

      In addition to all the tips you've given couples can spice things up by pleasing each other in ways other than actual intercourse. It doesn't have to be an "all or nothing" proposition. Sometimes it can be addressed manually or orally and then other times with intercourse. In fact changing up things can take the monotony out of long-term monogamous relationships/marriages. Women who (initiate sex acts) with their husbands make them feel desired. Note: The male ego derives pleasure from knowing he has satisfied his mate with orgasms. The more she does the more he will try to reciprocate.

      Taking showers together, sleeping in the nude, snuggling while watching TV together, holding hands while walking together, and sharing wet kisses daily, leaving "naughty love notes" on the bathroom mirror or a sexy voicemail on his phone detailing plans for the evening can also help to keep the magic alive. When people are physically distant it can be awkward to try and robotically "turn it own" at bed time.

      It's easier to maintain a fire than it is to reignite a spark!


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