How To Annoy Your Husband (And How My Husband Is Annoying)

This past April, my husband and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. For the most part, it's been a good ride, but there are some days when I wish that I can lock him in our closet until he grows up and becomes less annoying.

Yes, my husband is annoying. There, I said it. But it's true. While 99.9 percent of the time I love my husband, there are just times when I'm not sure whether I'm dealing with a grown man or a five-year-old.

But while my husband is annoying, I also know that I annoy my husband. Like, he hates it when I look at my watch constantly and pester him to be on time. Or when I obsess over small things like whether our dinner guests liked our food. I fully admit that I drive him crazy!

Thankfully, over the years, my spouse and I have learned to deal with these little annoyances and get along with each other (for the most part). But for pure venting reasons, here are the ways in which my husband is annoying -- as well as some amusing surefire ways how to annoy YOUR husband.

Hint: Regard this list as tips of what NOT to do in a marriage! 

Yeah, so I like to annoy my husband on occasion. But here's how my husband annoys me!

1. He doesn't listen. Do you know how annoying it is when I tell him something and he nods like he's listening ... and then it turns out that he wasn't listening and I have to repeat the whole, freakin' thing? Very annoying! And yet he does this all the time. Sometimes I have to test him by saying ridiculous things like, "Guess what, there are aliens in the kitchen," but that gets him to snap to attention.

2. He piles up loose change on our dresser. I always put the loose change in tins, which I keep in our closet until we get to roll the coins, but he insists on piling the coins on our dresser until there's a huge coin pyramid. Then the cat knocks them over and we have coins all over the floor. Yes, we need the quarters for the laundry, but he doesn't have to make a mess with them in the process.

3. He leaves out food. Seriously, how hard is it to put something in a container or wrap it in some foil and then stick it in the fridge? And yet, my husband has to be reminded to do this. He argues that he likes his food room temperature, but well, that's gross and I don't want bugs. Put it away!

4. He runs jokes into the ground. Get my husband on a punning kick and he won't stop until he's exhausted every possible joke relating to that. His joke quickly goes from being funny to being annoying. Less is more, my dear!

5. He's always 15 minutes late. No matter how early I tell him to meet me someplace, he's always 15 minutes late. I've tried coming late myself, but then, somehow, he ends up being later than that. And yet his watch is fast. Go figure...

In all seriousness, my husband really isn't THAT annoying and I know that I'm lucky to have him. But hey, we can all use some improvement, right?

In no particular order, here are the best ways how to annoy your husband:

1. Put makeup on him while he's sleeping. Guys DO NOT like this. And yet it gives me some perverse pleasure to annoy my husband by testing out my lotions on him while he's only half awake. He hates it even more when I squirt a little floral-scented perfume on him. When he's not paying attention, I'll take a small glop of my moisturizing cream and spread it on his forehead ... and before long, he'll stir, muttering, "What the hell is that? What did you do to me?" Okay, so it's rude to do this, but his stuttering, confused reaction is funny. And he has dry skin, so he can use the help!

2. Talk baby talk to him. There are some guys who find this adorable, but most of the men I know, including my husband, just think that this is stupid. Still, I like to annoy my husband by giving certain things, mainly animals, cutesy names. When we were driving through New Zealand, he had to put up with me constantly calling the billions of grazing sheep we passed, "Sheepies." And then there were the horsies and cowies and doggies. Keep in mind that I don't really talk like this in my everyday life. But once in a while, it's fun to irritate my husband by putting on my best bimbo voice -- especially when he's pissing me off!

3. Refer to him as your pet's Daddy. My husband and I bicker about this almost every day. I insist on calling our cat, Maya, our daughter and refer to myself as her Mommy. Therefore, my husband is, of course, her Daddy. However, he refuses to acknowledge this. "I'm not the daddy of a cat!" he'll sigh. "But you're married to me and I'm the cat's Mommy, so what does that make you?" I'll reply. "Someone who's married to a person who thinks that she's the mother of a cat," he'll answer, exasperated. The great thing about this particular thing is that it can also be used to annoy my father, who dislikes being called the cat's Grandpa. Even better, my in-laws have also gotten into the act and love to annoy my husband by taking my side and refering to him as their "grandcat's" father. So this item is good and annoying all around!

4. Force your husband to engage in some overly-cutesy activity. In general, guys do not like attending tea parties or dog birthdays or anything like that. Or going on the Small World ride multiple times at Disney, as I discovered. When we visited Disney in Orlando, I pleaded with him to ride It's A Small World three times in a row .... and he very reluctantly agreed, thanks to a lot of pouting from me. But he did not like it and was freaked out by the dolls. He was also freaked out when I informed him that when we visit Japan, we will be stopping by Tokyo's Puroland, which is their Hello Kitty theme park. He was unnerved just by watching a video of the place online.

5. Make him redo the kitchen or bathroom floor after he's "mopped" it. Okay, while most of these annoyances have been silly, this one's for real. But often, when we're planning a party, my husband needs a little extra push when it comes to cleaning up the place -- especially after I've already done a lot of the cleaning and want a little help. He usually doesn't mind mopping the kitchen floor or dusting, but, well, he tends to cut corners -- and completely forget to mop IN the corners, for that matter. And yet he gets all huffy and annoyed when I point out the spots that he's missed.

6. Make him call his mother. I have a good relationship with my mother-in-law and my husband loves his family. Yet, he hates talking on the phone unless it's work related. Therefore, he can go for weeks without speaking to his family and think it's okay because I've spoken with his parents during that time. Well, guess what, buddy? It's NOT okay. She's YOUR mom and deserves to hear from you! Unfortunately, it often takes multiple reminders until I actually get him to sit down and make the call.

7. Hide his BlackBerry or iPhone. My husband is so attached to his BlackBerry that it's almost as if it's a growth on his body -- and there are times when I want his full attention. That said, he does not like it when I turn it off and then hide it in a place he'd never think to look like my jewelry box ... or the cat's litter box (just joking, though it's tempting!). Believe me, when you do this, you will annoy your husband and almost be GUARANTEED his attention, but it's worth it to get that stupid little machine out of his hands for a few minutes. Sometimes you need to remind him that you're his first love and not the iPhone.

8. Give him a ridiculous nickname. I won't embarrass my husband by revealing the silly nicknames that I sometimes call him, but trust me, they're pretty ridiculous and they always make him blush. If you really want to annoy him, call him said nickname in front of his friends and family (which I did once when he was acting drunk and stupid at a family get-together). And if you really, REALLY want to annoy him, give his member a cutesy name like, "Lady McPinky Poo." Trust me, guys do not like this AT ALL.

9. Make him ask for directions. Okay, what the hell is it with men and directions? Why are you so against asking for them when you're lost? My husband definitely falls into this category. He thinks he has a perfect sense of direction because he was in the Army, but while he is good at reading maps, he does screw up sometimes. And yet, he always gets annoyed when I insist that he ask a local for help. One time, we drove around Atlanta for hours because he refused to get assistance -- and yet, I was the one annoying him by suggesting he get help!

10. Ask to see his goofy baby and childhood pictures. My younger sister-in-law takes great pleasure in helping me with this one. She especially loves showing me the photo of my husband holding up a small, plastic pool while naked and the one of him when he was a pimply 14 and was wearing his Roy Roger's uniform. The truth is, I just like seeing photos of my husband during those years when I didn't yet know him. Yet he always squirms whenever we look through his family's photo albums.

So there you have it. These are ways how to annoy our husband. While most of these were meant to be tongue-in-cheek, I think it's safe to say that most husbands and wives annoy each other from time to time. And that's fine. Just make sure that you take time to do things that DON'T annoy the other person so you can keep your relationship strong.