- Gender and Relationships»
mother in laws-are they monsters,saints or just human?
i very proudly acclaim that my mother nor my mom in law have taught me cooking,i learned cooking from You tube!Sandip oftens calls You tube as my virtual saas!(mother in law-MIL).However there are times when i am stuck in between while running my household and yes sometimes google doesnt help!(It cant tell me what my husband likes to eat the most or what he dislikes the most or which sari should i wear on which occassion!).Now as we are about to complete 2 years of being together i know what he prefers eating on different days but as a newly wed when you want to give a surprise to a tired husband by cooking some of his favourite dishes when he comes back home (i believe a way to a man's heart is through his stomach!) who can help you the best other than your mother-in-law?(i am not blessed with a sister in law,My MIL has to play both the roles for me).you don’t just marry the man, you marry the family(that includes in laws).here i must mention that i have a superb brother in law who will support me anytime excepting when his brother is present. my Mom-in -laws are an important part in your life,they can either make your life hell or make it heavenly or hell in heaven or heaven in hell!!!(dont ask me what it means cause even i am confused now) ...so i decided to write a hub on mother in law cause even i have a mom in law who has made my life smooth,sometimes bumpy but mostly comfortable and happy.:)
I wanted to start the hub by some very nice quotes on mother in law..but to my dismay no matter how many times i typed to search nice quotes on MIL,i never found any :) maybe because a) i am technically challenged or b)there are very few "good " quotes on mother in laws.Since i didnt get any help so i decided to start on my own.I belong to a family which is very talkative.My dad is talkative,my mom is talkative,my grandmom is very talkative...and somehow we fair decent in the listeners category...due to this i am being delegated the responsibilty of managing the PR of our household.It means all types of communication(phone,email) are 95% managed by me.So 2 hrs (minimum) of my everyday routine consists of talking over on the phone dedicated 1 hour each to my biological parents and my other parents.:)
whose the boss????
No matter how long have you been married....once your mother-in-law comes,she will take over the authoritative role and if you are lucky enough you might get the credit!The tension increases when your mother in law states that you can no way match the care which she can take of your spouse.My husband had this problem with my mother who kept on telling me what i like,dislike etc... fortunately my dad was informed just in time about the interference or the lectures took over and life has been better for Sandip now.
Sandip was in hostel as a kid,he pursued his studies outside his hometown and got his job very far from India.:) as a result he didn't spent as much time with his parents as i did.However a mother knows her child very well no matter he stays near or far.My Husband is very hot tempered and i was adviced by my mother-in-law to never speak anything when he is angry(but she said do not admit your mistake too!!!until the situation is very grave).I ALWAYS FOLLOW IT.
On the contrary i find that my friends never had the kind of relation i have with my mother in law,when i told my friend that its me who calls my in laws more often than her husband,she rolled her eyes!some say since i stay away from her,my relation with her is so good...but i enjoyed my stay in my in laws the last time i visited.Anyways i am not complaining.
My mother in law and i have very much diferent taste in terms of dressing up and makeup.There are times when she tries me to adapt some of her style which i cant.At my husband's hometown,women put flowers on thier hair whenever they go for some social occassion,i somehow think that the artificial flower which they use looks better in the flower pot!sorry no offense!i on the other hand love applying eyeliner always much to the disapproval of my mother in law!
respect and be honest but never leave your stand!
From my observations i learned that honesty is very important in every relation be it your parents,partner or the in laws...and if you have done a mistake feel free to admit it..no one is going to eat you!
'Respect' is also a vital part for the happy relations,if we respect our parent's opinions, wisdom, age, and experience why cant we respect that of our In laws?however if we respect them,we expect them to respect us too!there are times when you have to make your stand clear...anything which is said calmly and repeatedly will dissuade any stubborn mother in law.
I like spending time with my parents,gossiping or debating over issues,i admit when parents pin point a mistake,its not that painful to hear but when the in laws point that mistake,there is ego hurt!Stand up for yourself if your mother in law criticizes(they don't criticize,they merely advice!) your appearance, house, or parenting style.. Point out remarks you think are unfair or unnecessary when they happen.I stand up for myself even when my parents complain about me.
My mother in law is very helpful in nature,i must mention she is able to help others just because of the consent of my father in law whom i have never seen taking rest!my mother in law will help anyone and everyone without any motive...due to this some people actually take advatage of this...which irritates me a lot.i used to get very sad and angry on this type of exploitaion especially when she is never given any credit for the hardwork she does.,till my husband told me not to be sad.He said she is keeping herself busy by doing that,the day she overdoes that,we will intervene.My mother in fact suggested to me that if no one gives her the credit or merely say a thank you for the job she does,why dont you do it?so maa "tumi khub bhalo kaaj korcho"(you are doing a great job).whenever my mother in law comes to my home,i am freed to maximum responsibilities.My friends say she does it so as to show to my husband how much she is doing for us,i think less work!
If the in laws do not stay with you,then when you visit them,do not try to take charge,as much as you don't like her taking charge of your home,she wont appreciate it either!
Realize,build and accept!
Building a good relationship with you mother in law involves getting support there are times when i have supported my mother in law and not my husband.Stick to your decisions as wife, mother, and daughter in law.Be considerate of health concerns of your mother in law but be consistently clear that your mother in law is not in control of your home, children, or husband however her advice will always be required whenever you are in need.Show respect and compassion to your husband's mother even when you don't feel like it.
Realize that being firm and clear about your wishes won't ruin your relationship. Building a good relationship with your husband's mother requires work!Pay attention to your mother in law's needs and wishes.Ask your mother in law to join your world!when i was in India i took my mother in law with me to the parlour,,tried to change the environment.
Accept that personality conflicts happen,if you have differences with your parents then you will have it with your in laws too!i have learned to live with differences of opinion, perspective, and culture...i just make it a point as not to delay the compromise situation.
I believe that no one is perfect.If i have a debate with my parents,we make up soon,so why we dont do it with our in laws???after all they are the parents of the love of your life and sometimes turn a deaf year;)