The Purpose of My Life

Many years ago I remember having a very deep conversation with my Tang Soo Do instructor. I remember sitting in his office with tears streaming down my cheeks as I told him I didn't even know what the purpose of life is - worse yet - I didn't know what the purpose of my life was and why I was even here. Although that conversation was many years ago, I still remember it like it was yesterday.

As I sit here under the glow of my beloved fathers lamp this evening, I realize that tonight will also be one of those times that will stand out in my mind in the years to come. What has happened to me tonight forever changed my life- and the course that has been laid out before me tonight will be the final chapter in the book of my life.

Not a final chapter as in the end of my life - but rather a final chapter into finally understanding who I am and why I am here, why things have happened the way they have, and why I am here on this Earth. A revelation that I have been searching for 49 years for - my purpose in life.

Funny that this life changing "light bulb moment" would come to me on such a crummy day ( but isn't that just like life?) I had one of the worst days of my life today- I won't go into details but let's just say that I was feeling like a complete and utter failure- a failure as a business woman, a failure as a woman, and a failure as a person.

Many things converged to push me over the top and into an abyss that I didn't think I could pull myself out of of- not just things from today but a convergence of events over the last few years that have threatened to topple everything I ever loved or dreamed of in life.

Tonight as I lay there reviewing the day, and thinking about what had transpired, I decided to pull out one of my favorite books (Streams in the Desert, a daily devotional) and I decided to read today's devotional. As I opened the book, the pages automatically fell to today's date - without me even searching. For an electric minute time stood still because I knew that in that moment that the words for this day were meant for me to read- and here is what it said:

November 23 Streams in the Desert...(At Wit's End)Streams in the Desert - Nov. 23

At Wit's End

"At their wit's end, they cry unto the Lord in their trouble, and he bringeth them out" (Ps. 107:27, 28).

Are you standing at "Wit's End Corner," Christian, with troubled brow?

Are you thinking of what is before you,

And all you are bearing now?

Does all the world seem against you,

And you in the battle alone?

Remember--at "Wit's End Corner"

Is just where God's power is shown.

Are you standing at "Wit's End Corner," Blinded with wearying pain,

Feeling you cannot endure it,

You cannot bear the strain,

Bruised through the constant suffering,

Dizzy, and dazed, and numb?

Remember--at "Wit's End Corner"

Is where Jesus loves to come.

Are you standing at "Wit's End Corner"? Your work before you spread,

All lying begun, unfinished,

And pressing on heart and head,

Longing for strength to do it,

Stretching out trembling hands?

Remember--at. "Wit's End Corner"

The Burden-bearer stands.

Are you standing at "Wit's End Corner"? Then you're just in the very spot

To learn the wondrous resources

Of Him who faileth not:

No doubt to a brighter pathway

Your footsteps will soon be moved,

But only at "Wit's End Corner"

Is the "God who is able" proved.

--Antoinette Wilson

Do not get discouraged; it may be the last key in the bunch that opens the door. --Stansifer

Right at "Wits End Corner"- that is exactly where I found myself- and exactly how I was feeling about myself and my life around me.........

And as I reviewed, and prayed, and searched for answers, using all the keys I had to open up the doors to my mind.... it was when I reached for the last key that my mind opened up in a brilliant clarity - a clarity so stunning I almost had to catch my breath...so revealing that I felt a energetic jolt go through my body....

Realizing that my purpose had been before me my whole life - when I was a little girl and "writing" my first book, then when I was a little older and writing my first journals - my first book of poetry as a teenager - later essays in college that moved my friends to tears - speeches that made people laugh and connect with me - letters to my family and friends that made them laugh and cry - more recently my newspaper columns that helped the community relate to me and I to them - then here at the Hub - where once again the words began to tumble out of my heart - flowing freely again like fresh water breaking forth from a dam that had long been holding back...just like the streams in the desert...

It was the WORD. The words that always have been there in me, never finding peace just to rest in me but demanding an audience- a place to call home in other hearts too. That was my connection - my purpose here - to reconnect to the world through my words! And it's always been there - I just didn't recognize it for what it was - I always thought my life was supposed to take a different path...

I don't know why or how it took me so long to get to this point. It seems like there have been so many wasted opportunities before this but perhaps that is the path that I needed to walk before arriving at this point of where I needed to be- backed into a corner- at "Wits End Corner" - where I finally needed to throw up my hands to heaven and realize that if I ever wanted to find my purpose in life I needed to stop and listen to the heartbeat of my soul. A soul that until now was missing the essential beat - the purpose.

I feel like a big burden has been lifted off my shoulders - as If I could fly - as if nothing in the world is impossible for me - as if the world has just changed direction - or maybe it's just me that finally realized the direction that my life should have been going - or maybe it's that sometimes God takes us into places we don't understand only to bring into a place of understanding so deep and so personal that only then do we know the truth............

When we finally know the truth for the Purpose of Our Life.

You see I've always been a writer- and these are the things I reflected on tonight. As I went through-the various phases of my life I realized that among all those streams flowed a common theme for the - the written word. It didn't matter if I was on the freeway driving- if I got a sudden inspiration for a story that needed to be written down, I would pull over and write it down. I could be sound asleep and wake up and find myself wide awake and writing down something that had come to me in my sleep. It never mattered where I was or what I was doing, words that needed to be written down would come to me at any given moment or time of the day.........

"The written word has always dwelled within me- the words that flow out of me are the essence of who I am- they are the words of my heart- the very air that I breathe. I live and breath and consume the written word. I am the words and the words are me- there is no distinction- there is no separation between the two- it is who I am - who I always was- who I am now- who I am meant to be. It will be the legacy I leave when my physical body no longer exists."

( This quote I wrote will be part of my new bio- it so accurately describes how I feel)

It is my purpose, and God never wastes anything. All the heartaches I have suffered , all the sadness, all the tragedies were actually blessings in disguise- they happened so that my stories could find a place in others hearts- to be shared, laughed at and cried over.

My life-my words-my purpose. Finally.