To Sink A Dynasty -- by Jerry Krause
Hi kids! I'm Jerry Krause! You might know me from the 6-time NBA World Champion Chicago Bulls. I was the general manager and as you should all probably know, it was MY DOING. Michael Jordan takes lots of credit, but what do you expect from Michael? Anyways, my resume speaks for itself. 6 World Championships. And this was how I employed my special sleuth genius to make it all happen. By the end of this award winning tutorial, you should be able to run your own 6-time NBA World Championship team. For if I prove anything, it's that anyone can run a 6-time NBA World Championship team.
1. The first step towards your 6-time NBA World Championship team is to show up when you already have the greatest player that ever lived. That should help you build your team in any way you want to see fit. It will allow you to screw up every single time you make a selection in the draft except for 1987 and still be a contender. Why? Because with someone on the team heralded as the best player ever, he'll want to prove he can win without them and in any many cases, despite them!
a) Speaking of the draft, if you have the chance to get Chris Mullin, Kevin Johnson, Mitch Richmond, Tim Hardaway and Shawn Kemp, don't take them! Everybody wanted these guys when they came out of college. The key is to get sufficient credit. That way, win or lose, you have leverage. If you win with Hardaway and Jordan, you can't prove you're as good of a scout as you would if you made Michael have to do it with B.J. Armstrong, Brad Sellers, and Dave Corzine.
b) If you go for the obscure and manage to pick up Charles Oakley, Scottie Pippen and Horace Grant, you might have a sticky situation. But FEAR NOT!!! What you do is first trade Oakley, then you lock up Pippen to a disrespectfully low and long contract when you know a Central Arkansas kid will just go nuts at the sight of 2.3 million after getting yelled at by Jordan and underballed by the media because of Jordan, and then treat Grant like general garbage so he stops talking to us and demands a trade.
c) I don't care how good Pippen is. I don't care if he's better then Jordan. You treat Pippen like crap, that way he deliberately underperforms in order to get some kind of benefit for Jordan walking around like his greatness is all his own doing. For if Pippen is upset, chances are he'll get drunk and lash out on the GM, which you can then use to scare Pippen into never attempting a higher salary anywhere else due to GMs "thinking he's a problem player".
d) Always be on the team plane with the players. You want to show you're a master judge of talent and you're not, then try to show you're a shrewd businessman. You're not. And thus you should attend to blend in and show you're one of the boys. They'll respect your selfishness, misreading it as some kind of "assholeness" as your success is based entirely on how little you managed to pay them.
e) If negotiations backfire and you end up having to a) pay Phil Jackson 40 million for 2 years so Michael stays in town, and then b) being further extorted by Jordan personally and having to pay Michael 66 million dollars for 2 single seasons, then you are under obligation to take credit for the entirety of your 6-time NBA World Champions.
f) Make sure to start your rebuilding process in the middle of the very best years yours or any team could ever have in NBA history. Don't even let the decade run out. I mean, look at the Celtics? They kept Bird, McHale and Parish around deep into their twilight years because that's what the fans wanted to see. Then they left and there was nothing for Boston to build around. You don't want that do you? I mean, yeah, when you got Pippen, Rodman and Jordan, you know they only have about what...6 or 7 more years on them? You got to get rid of them IMMEDIATELY!!!
g) Other players in the NBA, younger ones, will see that your former 6-time NBA World Champion Bulls were treated like mere common cattle, and will instinctly want to rush to join your classy organization in droves! After all, you might have proved you can't appreciate Michael Jordan, but that doesn't mean Tracy McGrady or Kobe Bryant would think they had anything to fear...
h) Draft Tyson Chandler. He was great.PWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!
i) Eddy Curry too. Oh we got Sampson and Olajuwon now, dawgs! PWWWWWWWWWWW!
i) Draft Dickey Simpkins. The four-year olds will think that's hilarious.
j) Draft Jason Caffey and then trade him when he was becoming good.
k) Don't resign Pippen as you court Toni Kukoc who was making 30 million in EUROPE, and now you want to pay him 50 million in Chicago. That should make Pippen a very productive and sharing teammate.
l) Take the best player in the world, give him a wonderful sidekick and lifelong best friend on the Bulls in Charles Oakley, and trade him for the most awkward dude in sports Bill Cartwright.
m) Make sure to get nothing for Horace Grant when all the best teams in the league want him and you know he's got a year left before his contract expires.
n) After you completely annihalate your 6-time NBA World Championship team, go and become a scout for the Yankees so they can be poisoned as well.
o) If the Chicago Cubs happen to spend 200 million dollars, and you're the owner of the White Sox like my co-hort Jerry Rhinesdorf, it's time for you to grab a World Series title just so the fans can't bitch at you for the next 100 years while your friend dismantles yet again a third glorious franchise.
Well there you have it. We have come to the end of my tutorial. By now you should be able to
--fall ass backwards into the ownership of a 6-time NBA Championship team
--dismantle them out of greed and selfishness and delusions of public fame that you never would or could possibly achieve
--retire in disgrace
Good luck and Yours Truly
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