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Halloween Costumes For Fans Of The NBA
What's wrong Gertrude?
These young trick-or-treaters at the door were so rude!
Yes, Wilmer! The trick-or-treaters!
Well what did they say?
Well, the first kid -- he came over and was wearing an Orlando jersey that said "MCGRADY" with the number one on it. He just stood there. I was like "shouldn't you say trick-or-treat"? He said "why? I already got the candies." I pointed out that he didn't. And so he ended up freaking out like he didn't know what to do, stuttered something like "would you like to buy these girl scout cookies" and then ran off to Houston!
And then the next kid! He was like seven feet tall and four hundred pounds and wearing a Lakers 34 jersey! He said "trick or treat" and then I held out the container of candies, he tried to reach for them but his hands are too big to reach into the container, so he just knocked the container out of my hands. I reach down on the pavement to pick it up and suddenly I realize he's chucking candies at me?! They're pelting me in the face and in the eye. I'm like "what are you doing?!" To which he stops and says "oh my bad, I was aiming for the container."
I don't even want to tell you how my exchange with little Kobe Bryant went.
Little Stephen Jackson came and said he wanted all the candies. I said no. He said he'd go to other houses and they would oblige. I said well then go and try your luck with the other houses. He ended up with half-a-Tootsie roll.
Denver and Cleveland could be playing each other in the Finals. Lebron vs. Carmelo.
Honey, back to what happened with the kids at the door.
Little Michael Jordan came over and I had the nicest little exchange with him -- he said trick or treat, and then I handed him the candies, and he said "thanks".
Well then, what's the problem?
I made the mistake of complimenting him. He says "well of course I'm a great kid. I'm also good looking, handsome, talented, career-driven, good at golf, good at football, I'm good in so many ways I can't even count them all. And clearly you realized this because you're not very good at too many things yourself and thus you recognize that...superior greatness that which people and the media have been recognizing in me for the extent of my career."
Did he stick his tongue out at you again?
While I handing him the candy, yes!
Anything else happen on this crazy Halloween?
Little John Stockton came over--
Ah, the neighborhood paperboy. What a keen and consistent distributor of the morning news.And a nice boy too, his father owns a bar, his mother attends bingo--
He said "trick or--" and then slapped me clear across the face, stole the candies, and then ran off.
I remember seeing that, Gertrude! I yelled at him for it!I said "You just slapped a grown up!"
Yeah Wilmer! Then he said you were crazy and you said 'oh maybe I am" and let him run away!
What did you want me to do, hit him?
But he's the great John Stockton! In his youth!
What else happened?
Little Charles Barkley kept reaching for the Butterfingers and Snickers but kept getting pennies and hard blue-raspberry candies. And so he started changing his jersey over and over again, but it didn't help.
Interesting. Anything else?
Well little Michael Jordan came by later on. and this time he didn't have his jersey on anymore. I said "done with trick-or-treating?" And he said yes. He said he was retiring from trick-or-treating because it simply wasn't a challenge for him anymore, that all the rest of the kids are such hopeless losers that they can't possible do it like he does, even though the Knicks and Suns almost beat him, he's still going to hang it up because the rest of them simply will never be worth his time and energy.
Now onto a man I'd never make fun of...