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What NOT to Wear - Seriously!

Updated on April 1, 2013

Southern Food, Walmart, and Mirror Nazis: A BAD Combination

I'm convinced that there are more fat folks in the South - I mean, I really love southern food, but it's not exactly low calorie. Rut-roh - I said "fat." To be PC I guess I need to change that to slim-challenged. I don't mind people being f-, oops - slim-challenged. I fit that category myself. Heck, I'm always surrounded by great southern food like fried chicken, pork barbecue, buttermilk biscuits, rice and gravy, cracklin' cornbread...you get the picture. Fat is fine, but it shouldn't be on display. If you're in love with southern food, and your bod shows it, that should be between you, God, and your fried chicken - don't share the results with the innocent and unprepared public. Same goes for the protruding bones of those at the other end of the scale. What I'd like to know is: When were mirrors outlawed in the South? And how come nobody told me about it? That’s the only explanation I have for some of the clothing choices I’ve been seeing lately. I’ve always tried to follow the sage advice of the gifted philosopher, Drew Carey, who said, “If it don’t look good naked, cover it the hell up!”

I’m fat. I know I’m fat – and I have a mirror. I dress accordingly. The only revealing thing I ever wear is a low-cut blouse occasionally, when we go to a party. This is the one part of the female anatomy where most men seem to prefer “fat.” Somehow the looking-glass Nazis overlooked the mirrors in my house and did not confiscate them. Unfortunately, many citizens in the South were not so lucky. Somewhere there’s a huge warehouse filled to the brim with mirrors of every sort, probably ironically stacked next to cases of the 6,425 varieties of babecue sauces we southerners consume regularly. The former mirror owners are in a state of total denial without the constant reminders of their own reflected images.

For some strange reason, the mirror-challenged in the South seem to frequent Walmart…a lot. They're probably loading up on pork ribs, hams, Boston butts, and hog lard. You can see a few of them in there most any time of day, but to witness the really hardened image criminals in large numbers, you’ll need to go to the retail giant at around two or three in the morning. That’s when the truly delusional come out. I suppose they think the cover of darkness will hide them, but unfortunately, inside the store are glaring bright lights that hide nothing.

On any of my typical wee-hours shopping adventures to Wally World, there’s no telling what I might see in the way of bad apparel. I usually see several huge middle-aged women who have crammed their size 12 extra-extra-wide feet into size 8 narrow high heels. The results resemble dough rising up and over the shoes in the flesh’s effort to escape its bonds. Sometimes these ladies can barely hobble around in these “cruel shoes,” but hey, they think they look good, and beauty knows no pain.

And speaking of pain, what’s up with all these really fat women and spandex? Do they think hot pink skin-tight spandex is slimming?? That kind of outfit just has to be painful. I mean really, I don’t see how some of them breathe. It seems that circulation to important parts of their body would be severely restricted.

And then there's the pajama crowd. They show up to shop in their jammies and bedroom slippers. It's as if they woke up suddenly from a sound sleep and thought, "I must go to Walmart! Now! I don't have time to throw on some clothes!" What could be so important that would prevent one from getting dressed to appear in public??

Evidently, The Dukes of Hazzard must have a cult following here in the Deep South. You know how Trekkies go to those nerdy conventions and dress up like their favorite Star Trek characters? Walmart must be the gathering site for Hazzard aficionados, and they’re all fans of the same character – Daisy Duke. How have I come to this conclusion? Because they’re all wearing a pair of Daisy Dukes. For non-U.S. readers who aren’t familiar with this particular article of clothing, let me explain. Daisy Dukes are cut-off bluejean shorts – “shorts” being the key word. These things are so short that the lower half of the wearer’s ass cheeks hang out the bottom. Yeah, these might look sexy on Daisy, but the women I’m referring to would make at least three of Ms. Hazzard.

A close relative of the Daisy Duke short shorts is the Southern garment known as the "Bermuda-all." Bermuda-alls are overalls that have been cut off to make shorts. For the perfect fashion statement, apparently ill-fitting tank tops are the only tops that can be worn underneath a pair of Bermuda-alls.

And one more thing about the Walmart mirrorless crowd: Why the midriff tops? Weren’t they designed to show off a flat, taut belly? Perhaps one with six-pack abs? I don’t think the original designer meant for them to serve as a showcase for displaying gunts and twattermelons. I’ve seen plenty of women wearing these short tops who had more rolls than Parkerhouse.

And I can't leave the guys out. Here in the South, we have what's commonly referred to as the MMM - the manly male midriff. It's a tee shirt that is much too small to cover a ginormous beer gut, so it stops somewhere above the navel. Since men are notrious for buying jeans to fit under their bellies, there's always a big gap of exposed flesh between the top of the jeans and the bottom of the shirt. Ironically, many of these tees say "No fat chicks." If only they had a mirror...

Okay, enough about Walmart. Let’s examine another venue where clothing miscalculations are rampant: the beach. Ironically (and thankfully so), the slim-challenged around here seem to get suddenly modest and conservative when going to the beach. Go figure. It’s usually the opposite end of the spectrum who decide to eschew the advice of the venerable Mr. Carey. Here, it’s the old bony folks who want to show off their svelte bods. You see, in the South, some older folks don't have teeth, so they can't eat the southern food favorites any longer. As a result, they often get skinny. Gerbers doesn't make a "southern barbecue" flavor.

My husband and I once witnessed a perfect male body contest in Nassau, where plenty of gorgeous male hunks were competing. They all had bulging muscles, broad shoulders, and glistening sun-kissed skin, and I must admit, I was enjoying all the eye candy. Then from the back of the crowd the last contestant appears. He had to be at least 85 years old – seriously - and much to my embarrassment, we later discovered that he was a southerner. He paraded out onto the stage in a muscle shirt and a pair of long swim trunks, and I thought it was kinda cute. But then he began stripping off his clothes in time to the music. I was horrified and tried not to look, but my eyes were glued to him. It’s like passing a bad wreck on the highway – you don’t really want to see all the blood and gore, but something compels you to gawk. The old guy ended up with just a tiny Speedo. He closely resembled a little white sheet in bad need of ironing.

And then there are the old ladies at the beach who are so skinny that they have absolutely no butt or boobs, yet they insist on wearing the smallest g-string they can find. When your hip bones stick out farther than your boobs, you’re too skinny. When you can store change and other small items in the wrinkles on your body, you don’t need to be in a thong. When you can count every rib on a body and even the breast bone, you’re too skinny to be showing off your body! I don’t want to see old Grim Reaper-types in bikinis or Speedos any more than I want to see Jabba the Hut-types in revealing clothing. Heck, I just want to buy the bony ones a hotdog or some fried fatback or something else equally calorie laden.

A public high school is another venue rampant in clothing crimes. When I was teaching, I got soooo tired of seeing the underwear of "cool, hip" male students. The waist of their jeans would somehow hug the lower section of their buttocks, defying gravity. Thank God their boxers were snug enough to spare me the view of their bare asses. Frankly, I'm rather surprised I never got charged with sexual harassment - as they entered my classroom, and I was standing by my doorway, I'd always reach over, grab a belt loop, and pull up their pants. And the girls were just as bad - maybe worse. As I would stroll around the room with my students seated, 99% of the females were showing off their "coin slots" and thongs above their oh-so-low-hung jeans. Wonder what I would have received if I had dropped in a quarter? Fired, probably!

Hmmm…can’t get those ribs out of my mind. Think I’ll go get some good ole southern barbecue!

Wanna read more about us quirky Southerners? Click the links below the Amazon books!

The "coin slot" crowd.
The "coin slot" crowd.
A defective mirror??
A defective mirror??

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    • iamageniuster profile image

      iamageniuster 5 years ago

      Great tips. I will follow it.

    • Angela Biggs profile image

      Angela Biggs 5 years ago from United Kingdom

      Oo, Habee. That was hillarious. I loved the term "slim-challenged". Though I am not one now, but I still prefer to cover my body parts to avoid it from falling off my clothes. I really appreciate the way you have expressed the bad clothing styles. I laughed really louder and this is one of the very few hubs that made me laugh. Great hub. Thats it or I will write another hub here in comments.

    • Leaderofmany profile image

      Leaderofmany 5 years ago from Back Home in Indiana

      I agree with you on this one. I have a son who refuses to pull up his pants. I holler at him all day to pull them up. WalMart in the middle of the night is great for people watching.

    • profile image

      Bottes UGG Pas Chere 5 years ago

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      shandandan 5 years ago

      I am very happy to find this blog.Thanks for creating the page! Im positive that it will be very popular. It has good and valuable content which is very rare these days

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      uggs on clearance 5 years ago

      thank you for you share!!!nice!!

    • felicitylovespari profile image

      felicitylovespari 5 years ago

      Voted both up and funny habee. And I agree. But, I also give some people credit for not caring what anyone thinks I suppose. :)

    • profile image

      Max 90 5 years ago

      the clothes which suit for us , suit for figure, suit for age and so on.

      Max 90

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      Nike TN 5 years ago

      Nike TN

      Good article, good good, Come on, I want to see you more exciting articles.

    • profile image

      jenubouka 5 years ago

      Okay well Yakima WA is the new south, it's a small town/city, but we need two walmarts.

    • KathyH profile image

      KathyH 6 years ago from Las Vegas, Nevada

      This has to be one of the FUNNIEST things I've read in a long time! Voted up, VERY entertaining and hilarious!! Unfortunately, it doesn't just exist in the South, it's all OVER the place! Thanks for the GIGGLES!!

    • profile image

      Bottes UGG Pas Cher 6 years ago

      nice!!i like this!thank you!

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      best123a 6 years ago

      very nice site for me. thanks!

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Electrical, glad you enjoyed it!

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Thanks, Howto! The guy in the last pic obviously needs to share his southern food with the skinny woman!!

    • profile image

      Electrical 6 years ago

      thanks .i like your post.

    • howcurecancer profile image

      Elena@LessIsHealthy 6 years ago

      oh my God! So funny pics.

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Lol, Jama. You made me laugh!

      Deb, always great to see your smiling face!

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Knightheart, good for your towns!

    • DeBorrah K. Ogans profile image

      DeBorrah K Ogans 6 years ago

      Habee, Interesting, funny, informative & true hub! It is getting a bit scary... You see some of everything these days! Thank You for sharing, In HIS Love, Peace & Blessings!

    • JamaGenee profile image

      Joanna McKenna 6 years ago from Central Oklahoma

      The young guys wearing those baggy pants won't think it's "cool" when they're old men and HAVE to wear pants two sizes too big to hide their Depends. heehee

    • Knightheart profile image

      Knightheart 6 years ago from MIssouri, USA

      It is amazing how people don't give one hoot about how they look in public. These people have to be blind or totally delusional. I have seen many people dressed or should I say sort of dressed as you have described. What I have seen mostly in my area are people wearing shorts or pants that are so baggy, that half of their butts are hanging out. Fruit of the Loom underwear is getting a lot of free advertising. Also, these people can hardly walk since the pants are so baggy that it bunches up at the knees or ankles. I wonder how these people hold jobs or even get jobs looking like slobs! A couple municipalities in our area have even passed ordinances against teens, the main culprits doing this, from wearing extremely baggy trousers.

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Davito, I can understand your logic! lol

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Jama, so glad you got some chucks!

    • DavitosanX profile image

      DavitosanX 6 years ago

      Are you mad?! Teenage girls' coin slots are what makes the world go round!

    • JamaGenee profile image

      Joanna McKenna 6 years ago from Central Oklahoma

      Thanks for several good chuckles! I too have often wondered 'where have all the mirrors gone?'. However, you left out low-rider jeans, and that they should NEVER EVER be worn by any woman with more than a smidge of belly fat. But then I think the fatties buy them for the same reason guys like to wear under-the-beer-belly jeans - so they can remain in denial about the true size of their girth. My local Wally World, btw, at any time of day or night is an never-ending supply of what NOT to wear beyond your front door.

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      So glad you like it!

    • Hutchise profile image

      Hutchise 6 years ago from Georgia

      I really enjoyed reading this blog!

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Kethy, good point!

      Windows, thanks for reading!

    • profile image

      Windows 7 Key 6 years ago

      Thanks for your post!

    • kethyjewel profile image

      kethyjewel 6 years ago from India

      I often think that girls and lady do not wear shyfull dresses. Due to wearing this type of skintight and shyfull dresses in all over the world the ratio of rap cases are incrising widly. God bless them!

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Glad you got some chucks, Wilderness!

    • wilderness profile image

      Dan Harmon 6 years ago from Boise, Idaho

      A fun read, Habee, although I think I'll stay out of WallyWorld in the wee hours. Thanks for the chuckle.

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Thanks a bunch, Edoka!

    • Edoka Writes profile image

      Edoka Writes 6 years ago

      One of the best hubs I've read! Hilarious and clever- truthfully too...painfully truthful.

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Thanks, Nana! I'm a nana, too. Beautiful little girl in your avatar!

    • Shyla's Nana profile image

      Shyla's Nana 6 years ago

      OMG this is so funny. I could actually see the people as you were describing them. And then you posted pics and I laughed even more after I got over the shock of the thong pic on the beach. That takes some really high self-esteem to pull that look off. I will be back to read some more. Take care.

    • habee profile image
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      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Thanks, Malcolm. I'll check it out now!

    • Malcolm_Cox profile image

      Malcolm_Cox 6 years ago from Newcastle, England

      hey this hub is great habee. I wrote a poem that you might like! Check it out!! A Man's Mid Life Crisis!

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      So glad you enjoyed it!

    • pisethz profile image

      pisethz 6 years ago

      This is the most entertainment hub I read haha. thanks

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Misty, I've seen it only once or twice, but it was pretty good!

    • mistybella profile image

      mistybella 6 years ago

      wow do you like the show what not to wear or something???

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Thanks, Flo. Glad you got some chucks!

    • FloBe profile image

      FloBe 6 years ago from British Columbia, Canada

      I very much agree with your apt description and protest! Most people think they can just let it all hang out and no one should care (or do they really think it enhances their appeal??) Got a few chuckles our of your visual descriptions :)

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Thanks for reading, Hinata!

      Daniel, glad you enjoyed it!

      Einhorn, your kind words are appreciated!

    • Einhorn Wisdom profile image

      Einhorn Wisdom 6 years ago

      I must say, the photos you included are quite an enhancement, and they validate your point. People need to cover up and learn some taste. Bravo on a job well done.

    • MiseryHinata profile image

      MiseryHinata 6 years ago

      This hub was hilarious and rung very true! I'm also in the south and know exactly what you're talking about. This hub had me smiling and laughing, thank you for putting this out there for all the oblivious people who might get to read it! Keep up the good work!

    • habee profile image
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      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Nell, then you get a "twofer"! lol

    • nell79 profile image

      nell79 6 years ago from United States

      Oh, that's good! Hahaha! What's really bad about this kind of thing when you're at the store is when that old guy with the bare beer gut bends over to get something off the bottom shelf and you get a look at his wrinkly bum crack too! LOL

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      NJ, so glad you got some giggles!

      Sameerk, thanks a heap!

      J.amie, I love people watching, too!

    • j.amie profile image

      j.amie 6 years ago from PA

      Mirror-challenged, hah!!! Awesome. I find it more entertaining to go downtown on a Friday or Saturday night, park myself at a sidewalk table, and just watch instead of bellying up. Most of the gals look like they walked straight off the set of Jerry Springer. It's ridiculous. I think...how on earth did you look in the mirror before you left and think "damn, I look good" and head out confidently in electric blue spandex? really?

      I'm with you 100%.

    • sameerk profile image

      sameerk 6 years ago from India

      very nice .......

    • NJ's Ponderings profile image

      NJ's Ponderings 6 years ago from Hickville, NY

      Absolutely love this article!!! Had me in stitches!!!

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Lis, I'm so glad you enjoyed it!

    • liswilliams profile image

      liswilliams 6 years ago from South Africa

      An awesome Friday afternoon read, habee. Fantastic success story on the homepage as well. High five to you all the way :).

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Duck, I guess it's because this hub gets so much traffic!

    • OpinionDuck profile image

      OpinionDuck 6 years ago

      Can you explain how this hub is rated at one hundred.

      Whenever I leave a hub and the comments and views have trailed off, my hub rating goes down. What kept yours up?

      Thanks

    • profile image

      ugg boots 6 years ago

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      ugg boots 6 years ago

      I believe this is an ocean of knowledge, i really admire your article in your mind. You

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    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 6 years ago from Georgia

      Trixie and Bush, I'm so glad I gave you some giggles!

    • burning bush profile image

      burning bush 6 years ago

      I absolutely love this hub. You have amazing powers of observation and yet the ability to restrain your laughter while face to face (I'm resisting the urge to say face to ass... couldn't resist) with a sight so hilarious. Well done. Really enjoyed.

    • profile image

      Trixie.in.Dixie 6 years ago

      As familiar as the scene is to me, I still had to laugh when I read this! I am a native of Atlanta and have lived here my whole life, and I still can't get over the things I see out in public. Ever since the PeopleofWalmart blog started, I have been hoping I can capture something or someone hilarious with my pocket camera when I'm shopping there myself. You can't beat the combination of shopping and entertainment you get, especially late at night. Fun stuff! Oh - and one other term I hear for the excessive frontal blubber is "front butt." Gotta love it.

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 7 years ago from Georgia

      Too funny, Susie! I'm glad it's not just here in the South!

    • Sweetsusieg profile image

      Sweetsusieg 7 years ago from Michigan

      Due to a comment a friend put oh her facebook yesterday, I was going to write a hub on this very subject, but I see you covered it quite well. I will share the comment:

      Today I saw a women at the gas station..her appearance scared the hell out of me, she was wearing a pair of white daisy dukes(I could cover the couch in) and what I can only assume was once a white sports bra. (Assume because it is now a dull Grey) her flip flops had red and white balloons (something that was in fashion 3 or 4 years ago for children) on them her hair was in 2 side pony tails (she was 'rockin' the Buffy's) mind u she was at Least my age (in 40's) and had to weigh in at about 400 lbs... my question ( well one of them anyways) did this beast not own a mirror???

      Yes, habee even here in the North the Mirror Nazi's have apparently visited, and run rampant with stealing mirrors.

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 7 years ago from Georgia

      NE, I'm so glad you got some giggles from my hub!

    • N.E. Wright profile image

      N.E. Wright 7 years ago from Bronx, NY

      Wow, you are funny. I laughed so many times out loud I was shocked.

      I agree people really do not really see what we see when we watch them wearing sizes too small.

      I may be a liberal, but I am a conservative when it comes to my dress wear. I was that way when I was thinner so many moons ago.

      I enjoy your work. I will read more.

      You are funny!

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 7 years ago from Georgia

      Hostage, I love your saying!

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 7 years ago from Georgia

      Rose, glad you liked it!

    • ahostagesituation profile image

      SJ 7 years ago

      Just to add to the praise, great hub! I can go up and down with my weight. I always say, "to thine own size be true." It's just not fair to the clothes or the designer.

    • RoseGardenAdvice profile image

      RoseGardenAdvice 7 years ago from San Francisco

      LOL really funny take on what's not fashionable! Thanks :)

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 7 years ago from Georgia

      Sam, glad you liked it!

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 7 years ago from Georgia

      Thanks, Dog!

    • sameerk profile image

      sameerk 7 years ago from India

      very nice hub habee

    • Three-Legged Dog profile image

      Three-Legged Dog 7 years ago from USA

      LOL! "When your hip bones stick out farther than your boobs.." EWWWWWWWW! SO TRUE! Great hub!

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 7 years ago from Georgia

      Mrs. D, I agree with you 100%!

    • mrs.Dunkley profile image

      mrs.Dunkley 7 years ago

      habee,i agree..

      lots of different fashions these days..good fashion should be appropriate.and sexy fashion is not tarty fashion! specially for old wrinkly skins..lol

      its far more sexier to leave it to someone's imagination rather than to show it...i enjoyed a good read and laughing at the pictures u posted.nice hub..thanks

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 7 years ago from Georgia

      Funny, Suny! Thanks for reading!

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 7 years ago from Georgia

      Awww...thanks, Fluffy!

    • suny51 profile image

      suny51 7 years ago

      Please find me standing in your side of the corner.

    • Fluffymetal profile image

      Fluffymetal 7 years ago from Texas

      Your hubs are great!

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 7 years ago from Georgia

      Good point, Animal! Thanks for reading!

    • animal-backpacks profile image

      animal-backpacks 7 years ago from Brighton

      fab article - very amusing and oh how so true!

      At the same time, I guess that's what makes us all so unique and don't we all have one view of ourselves, yet everyone else has a different view - for good or for bad?

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 7 years ago from Georgia

      Thanks a heap, Rebecca!

    • Rebecca E. profile image

      Rebecca E. 7 years ago from Canada

      this is another awesome hub, love it it is great and funny and really (sad to say) true. A hub writer after my own heart! keep up the great work.

    • habee profile image
      Author

      Holle Abee 7 years ago from Georgia

      Michelle, I'm so glad you liked it!

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      Michelle Day 7 years ago from CA

      This is a Hub after my own heart. It was a little scary reading my own thoughts in someone else's writing but oh so satisfying. I love your style Habee, you seem to have truly found your calling. I look forward to reading more of what you have to say. Thanks for the excellent read!

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      Holle Abee 7 years ago from Georgia

      Oh, Silver, I agree - VERY creepy!

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      SilverGenes 7 years ago

      Funny hub! You know, I saw a pair of jeans the other day with the boxer tops sewn into them already! Insanity! Oh - just a little point that I feel needs mentioning before any man heads to the beach: if you are over the age of six, no speedos. No. Not ever. They are not sexy - just creepy. I feel better now. Please write more!

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      Holle Abee 7 years ago from Georgia

      Glad you enjoyed it, Katie!

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      katiem2 7 years ago from I'm outta here

      Well Well WELL Thanks for speaking out this is so crazy and seriously the day the bums are covered again the better. Reminds me of the pants to the ground song. Peace :)

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      Holle Abee 7 years ago from Georgia

      Val, glad you enjoyed it and got some chucks!

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      valeriebelew 7 years ago from Metro Atlanta, GA, USA

      habee, I'm with you on this one. I've had the displeasure of being in wal-mart with a friend and her daughter in the wee hours, and it is as you report. Also, as I've grown older, my game is to work out like crazy, look as good as possible, but still show as little as possible. Regardless of what shape you are in, it is actually tacky to show a lot of skin in public most of the time, even for the young. This dealt with a serious problem with humor, and I laughed all the way through it. My modem should be here today or tomorrow, so hopefully, I'll be able to read and respond to hubs when I'm not at work soon. Thanks for making me laugh, this one is a hoot. (: v

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      Holle Abee 7 years ago from Georgia

      Jo, thanks a lot for reading!

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      Jo 7 years ago

      Super funny hub! Great read. I hate the thong outside pants.

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      Holle Abee 7 years ago from Georgia

      mehark, glad it made you smile!

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      Holle Abee 7 years ago from Georgia

      So glad you enjoyed, Leptirela!