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Am I Addicted to Facebook? Signs You Need Help

Updated on August 17, 2020
crankalicious profile image

I have a B.A. in History and Creative Writing and an M.A. in History. I enjoy politics, movies, television, poker, video games, and trivia.

Has Facebook Become Your Life?

Facebook is a great way to pass the time. It's a great way to communicate with friends. For many, Facebook has replaced email. There are games galore to play. You can spend your whole day on Facebook. And some do. And that's when a hobby devolves into something sinister and potentially dangerous. Let me help you. If you've gone over-the-edge with Facebook, you need to know. If you've done any of the things listed below, beware. You could be in trouble.

If you do any of these 10 things on Facebook, it's time to rethink your life priorities.

You've Sent a Status Update From a Mobile Phone While Driving

You know this is dangerous, right? I've seen estimates that talking on a phone while driving is the equivalent of being drunk in terms of accident statistics. Texting must cause ten times the number of accidents. Then there's actually trying to engage with your facebook status and update it at the same time while in a moving vehicle. If this is you, you have a disorder of some type. If you've done this with another person in the car, you can use a multiplying factor of 5 for your level of stupidity. If you've done it with one of your own children in the car, multiply by a factor of 10.

You have been arrested or detained by air marshals for verbally berating a stewardess for her plane's lack of in-flight wifi.

Some of us can't go very long away from our cell phones. Others of us start to have withdrawal symptoms when we're away from our email. But if you've actually gone over-the-edge and taken your lack of facebook access out on a stewardess or some other travel personnel, you've lost your sense of decency. Facebook owns you.

You have left a status update similar to or exactly like any of the following: "Eating dinner", "Watching the kids", "Making love to my wife", "Getting a rectal

Please look closely at these status updates. If your status update reads "eating dinner" then you are not eating dinner nor are you engaging with the people at the table (unless you live alone, which is sad). If you are "watching the kids" then you are not watching the kids. If you are "making love to my wife" then you are doing it really badly. If you are "getting a rectal exam", trust me, nobody wants to know. If you are "driving" then you are dangerous. If you are "walking across the street", you are apt to be the next Darwin Award recipient.

You Have Traveled to Congressional Hearing Like Somebody Travels to a Rock Concert

Mark Zuckerberg has testified before Congress many times.

If you're like a groupie who keeps track of where he is at any moment, that's a problem. If you actually go travel to see him testify or give speeches, then that's getting a little weird. If you're one of the folks who holds up "We Love Mark" signs or screams when he walks by, you have a problem. Mark Zuckerberg isn't the modern day version of The Beatles.

You have received a written warning at work for the amount of time you spend on Facebook.

Okay, so you're actually jeopardizing your employment so you can spend time on Facebook. This might be your signal that you have your priorities screwed up just a little bit.

You have friended any of the following: your boss, your doctor, your bus driver, some guy who waited on you at a restaurant once, your priest, your high school

Aside from the fact that you are putting way too much stock in how many Facebook friends you have, you may also need to come to the realization that you are in desperate need of some attention. There are so many reasons never to friend any of these people, but for some reason, you just couldn't resist.

You have checked Facebook While on the Toilet

Okay, I know how some of you are going to answer this question and my answer to your answer is this: more fiber.

You Dream About Being on Facebook

This is like having a dream about watching paint dry or mowing the lawn. Having dreams about mundane things means you have no imagination whatsoever and there's a giant hole in your life the size of Wisconsin. I mean, Facebook is exciting to your unconscious? You could be having sex with Emily Watson or Jennifer Aniston or George Clooney or Justin Bieber or all four of them at once.

You have done these things simultaneously: facebooking with somebody while speaking to them on the phone or facebooking with somebody while actually speaking to

You have taken impersonal human interaction to a whole new level.

You have interrupted any one of the following because you just had to log-in to Facebook: a phone conversation, an in-person conversation, an appointment, dinn

If you didn't think Attention Deficit Disorder was a problem, you should now. You at least need to see a therapist about this and probably need to be medicated. Consider yourself lucky to be able to get up and get dressed in the morning. Seriously, you're in the same psychiatric disorder family as hoarders. HOARDERS!

You use "Facebook" as a Verb

First of all, facebooking is simply too broad a term to really describe anything, but if you've started saying things like "I was facebooking the other day" you have crossed some kind of existential boundary. When was the last time you were outside? You desperately need a life - a real life, not a virtual one.

Mark Zuckerberg
Mark Zuckerberg

You Have an Image of Mark Zuckerberg Tattooed On Your Body Somewhere

It doesn't really matter where, but the more intimate, the bigger the problem.

If Mark's face adorns your arm or anyplace you can cover, not a big deal. Hero worship is okay. If Mark's face is on your forehead, that's a little odd. A small ankle tattoo? No big deal. But if Mark's face is on your labia? Huge problem And creepy.

If a Company Boycotts Facebook, You Boycott That Company

Facebook has been fairly controversial.

Some blame Facebook for allowing Russian trolls to influence the 2016 election. Some blame Facebook for allowing the right-wing to flourish. Some blame Facebook for allowing racists to proliferate. Because of this problem, many companies have stopped advertising on Facebook.

If you make it your mission to stop buying from these companies, that's your choice. However, it's also kind of extreme.

How much time do you spend on Facebook each day?

See results

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

© 2011 crankalicious

Comments

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  • profile image

    Indoor Golf Simulator 

    10 years ago

    I think most of us have done the things you have mentioned in your 9th point. If you say you don't use FB while you are in a conversation with your friend in person, then you are a liar :P

  • AutoandHomeIns profile image

    AutoandHomeIns 

    10 years ago from United States

    funny hub! I only log in to my Facebook account to check my notifications and response to some of it then log off. So luckily i don't belong to any of your list. Thanks for sharing this funny hub.

  • schoolgirlforreal profile image

    schoolgirlforreal 

    10 years ago

    Thank God I don't do any of the 10!

  • profile image

    adbrea 

    10 years ago

    This article is so true and I have to admit some of these def do apply to me... This hub is awesome

  • Dim Flaxenwick profile image

    Dim Flaxenwick 

    10 years ago from Great Britain

    Great thought-provoking hub. Glad l don´t fit into any of the categories..... yet.... May be a good idea to go over these every 6 months or so.

  • ameliejan profile image

    ameliejan 

    10 years ago from Alicante, Spain

    Ha ha, very good. I haven't done any of those I don't think (hmm, well I have my ex-neighbour as a friend, and technically she was my mum's friend not mine, but aside from that...) but I do spend too much time on facebook.

  • talfonso profile image

    talfonso 

    10 years ago from Tampa Bay, FL

    I'm a Facebook addict, but I cut down on the time spent! I had given it up for Lent once because I was so addicted to it. I flunked school thanks to the site, so I decided to back down on it.

  • keeper23east profile image

    keeper23east 

    10 years ago

    I am an intertent person. I use Facebook to do anything like talk to people and play games.

  • whoisbid profile image

    whoisbid 

    10 years ago

    I have been an internet person since forever but I never use facebook so I could not answer the questions. There are lots of people like me but they are not on facebook so people don't know them ..LOL!

  • profile image

    Maritina4 

    10 years ago

    Lol and you know all this do well...

  • kenziegreeneyes profile image

    Holly Mackenzie Cupp 

    10 years ago from United States

    I know I have a problem, every time I log into my computer I absentmindedly click my facebook bookmark without even thinking about it even if my sole intention in the first place was to do something else, like work for example. It really is addicting. I can go days without it though and I have. Great hub.

  • barbergirl28 profile image

    Stacy Harris 

    10 years ago from Hemet, Ca

    I really truly do have a problem.... I facebooked all morning! I even updated my status while using the bathroom and told everybody that I was about to take a shower... I don't even think anybody liked that status update... but maybe the bus driver that takes me to the doctor that I just tried to friend will... LOL ;)

  • lilibees profile image

    lilibees 

    10 years ago

    Great, funny and voted up! I hope no one really updates their facebook status while driving!:(

  • profile image

    Hurocrat 

    10 years ago

    Thankfully, I don't have to worry about #7. My dreams usually involve being in a massive firefight in the middle of an office building, or waking up on a different planet with my skin turning odd colours...

    Maybe I should try not drinking coffee right before bed?

  • profile image

    BentleyMom 

    10 years ago

    Sad to say I have actually done one of these! So funny voted up.

  • Moon Daisy profile image

    Moon Daisy 

    10 years ago from London

    I am guilty of two of these. I'm glad it's not more, and that it could be so much worse! Thanks for this great hub. :)

  • profile image

    Tacey 

    10 years ago

    hahahaha XD I loved the ending to nr. 9 and thankfully I'm not a facebook addict ..even though I spend more than 4 hours on it ...and yes I admit that and I'm not ashamed (: ...I like it ..helps me be a bit more social since I a bit socially awkward online ... but in person I'm just down right crazy ;3

  • puddingicecream profile image

    puddingicecream 

    10 years ago from United States

    Definitely have to admit to #10. Voted up for funny!

  • Krysanthe profile image

    Kathy Hull 

    10 years ago from Bloomington, Illinois

    Phew! I was a bit nervous when I started reading this, but thankfully I have not committed any of the FB cardinal sins. Very Funny!

  • crankalicious profile imageAUTHOR

    crankalicious 

    10 years ago from Colorado

    Thanks everyone for all the nice comments. I'm always trying to think of humorous articles to right, so I'm glad they're appreciated. Obviously, funny articles on Facebook often get posted on Facebook, which isn't a bad thing.

  • Jinesh07 profile image

    Jinesh07 

    10 years ago from Leamington Spa

    Funny hub! I've got to say I'm guilty of using the word 'facebooking' but I'm glad I haven't done any of the others

  • myi4u profile image

    myi4u 

    10 years ago from United Kingdom

    Wow, to tick them all, that person must be an extreme facebook-er! No 7 is classic. That kind of person need serious attention! LOL hub!

  • Cogerson profile image

    UltimateMovieRankings 

    10 years ago from Virginia

    Very funny hub...voted up and funny....great job.

  • profile image

    Sunshine625 

    10 years ago

    I am guilty of three of these!!! Haha! Great article!!! Thanks!!

  • Relationshipc profile image

    Kari 

    10 years ago

    Funny! And sadly true. Loved the status updates in number 3. In fact, there is some sort of app on a smartphone that allows people to post an update stating exactly where they are when they walk in a room - A great way for all your 'friends' who are stalking you to 'accidentally' run into you.

  • keeper23east profile image

    keeper23east 

    10 years ago

    Love it, its great! Can do a lot of things like post pictures, talk to people, and play games.

  • Pamela Sarzana profile image

    Pamela Sarzana 

    10 years ago from northern Indiana

    Ha Ha , loved it!

  • CWanamaker profile image

    Christopher Wanamaker 

    10 years ago from Arizona

    Some people I know have done all 10 of these! Just wow.

  • stclairjack profile image

    Stclairjack 

    10 years ago from middle of freekin nowhere,... the sticks

    loved it!,.... and thankful, it looks as if i do not fall into the facebook addict category acording to this,... thank you

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