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Am I Addicted to Facebook? Signs You Need Help

Updated on August 17, 2020
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I have a BA in history and creative writing and an MA in history. I enjoy politics, movies, television, poker, video games, and trivia.

Has Facebook Become Your Life?

Facebook is a great way to pass the time. It's a great way to communicate with friends. For many, Facebook has replaced email. There are games galore to play. You can spend your whole day on Facebook. And some do. And that's when a hobby devolves into something sinister and potentially dangerous. Let me help you. If you've gone over-the-edge with Facebook, you need to know. If you've done any of the things listed below, beware. You could be in trouble.

If you do any of these 10 things on Facebook, it's time to rethink your life priorities.

You've Sent a Status Update From a Mobile Phone While Driving

You know this is dangerous, right? I've seen estimates that talking on a phone while driving is the equivalent of being drunk in terms of accident statistics. Texting must cause ten times the number of accidents. Then there's actually trying to engage with your facebook status and update it at the same time while in a moving vehicle. If this is you, you have a disorder of some type. If you've done this with another person in the car, you can use a multiplying factor of 5 for your level of stupidity. If you've done it with one of your own children in the car, multiply by a factor of 10.

You have been arrested or detained by air marshals for verbally berating a stewardess for her plane's lack of in-flight wifi.

Some of us can't go very long away from our cell phones. Others of us start to have withdrawal symptoms when we're away from our email. But if you've actually gone over-the-edge and taken your lack of facebook access out on a stewardess or some other travel personnel, you've lost your sense of decency. Facebook owns you.

You have left a status update similar to or exactly like any of the following: "Eating dinner", "Watching the kids", "Making love to my wife", "Getting a rectal

Please look closely at these status updates. If your status update reads "eating dinner" then you are not eating dinner nor are you engaging with the people at the table (unless you live alone, which is sad). If you are "watching the kids" then you are not watching the kids. If you are "making love to my wife" then you are doing it really badly. If you are "getting a rectal exam", trust me, nobody wants to know. If you are "driving" then you are dangerous. If you are "walking across the street", you are apt to be the next Darwin Award recipient.

You Have Traveled to Congressional Hearing Like Somebody Travels to a Rock Concert

Mark Zuckerberg has testified before Congress many times.

If you're like a groupie who keeps track of where he is at any moment, that's a problem. If you actually go travel to see him testify or give speeches, then that's getting a little weird. If you're one of the folks who holds up "We Love Mark" signs or screams when he walks by, you have a problem. Mark Zuckerberg isn't the modern day version of The Beatles.

You have received a written warning at work for the amount of time you spend on Facebook.

Okay, so you're actually jeopardizing your employment so you can spend time on Facebook. This might be your signal that you have your priorities screwed up just a little bit.

You have friended any of the following: your boss, your doctor, your bus driver, some guy who waited on you at a restaurant once, your priest, your high school

Aside from the fact that you are putting way too much stock in how many Facebook friends you have, you may also need to come to the realization that you are in desperate need of some attention. There are so many reasons never to friend any of these people, but for some reason, you just couldn't resist.

You have checked Facebook While on the Toilet

Okay, I know how some of you are going to answer this question and my answer to your answer is this: more fiber.

You Dream About Being on Facebook

This is like having a dream about watching paint dry or mowing the lawn. Having dreams about mundane things means you have no imagination whatsoever and there's a giant hole in your life the size of Wisconsin. I mean, Facebook is exciting to your unconscious? You could be having sex with Emily Watson or Jennifer Aniston or George Clooney or Justin Bieber or all four of them at once.

You have done these things simultaneously: facebooking with somebody while speaking to them on the phone or facebooking with somebody while actually speaking to

You have taken impersonal human interaction to a whole new level.

You have interrupted any one of the following because you just had to log-in to Facebook: a phone conversation, an in-person conversation, an appointment, dinn

If you didn't think Attention Deficit Disorder was a problem, you should now. You at least need to see a therapist about this and probably need to be medicated. Consider yourself lucky to be able to get up and get dressed in the morning. Seriously, you're in the same psychiatric disorder family as hoarders. HOARDERS!

You use "Facebook" as a Verb

First of all, facebooking is simply too broad a term to really describe anything, but if you've started saying things like "I was facebooking the other day" you have crossed some kind of existential boundary. When was the last time you were outside? You desperately need a life - a real life, not a virtual one.

Mark Zuckerberg
Mark Zuckerberg

You Have an Image of Mark Zuckerberg Tattooed On Your Body Somewhere

It doesn't really matter where, but the more intimate, the bigger the problem.

If Mark's face adorns your arm or anyplace you can cover, not a big deal. Hero worship is okay. If Mark's face is on your forehead, that's a little odd. A small ankle tattoo? No big deal. But if Mark's face is on your labia? Huge problem And creepy.

If a Company Boycotts Facebook, You Boycott That Company

Facebook has been fairly controversial.

Some blame Facebook for allowing Russian trolls to influence the 2016 election. Some blame Facebook for allowing the right-wing to flourish. Some blame Facebook for allowing racists to proliferate. Because of this problem, many companies have stopped advertising on Facebook.

If you make it your mission to stop buying from these companies, that's your choice. However, it's also kind of extreme.

How much time do you spend on Facebook each day?

See results

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

© 2011 Allen Donald


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