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Letter to a Facebook Narcissist
Behold the greatest person ever!
What is this newfangled word you use? Who is a narcissist?
A narcissist is an extremely self-absorbed person who dissolves into himself/herself over time. He or she thinks the whole of human civilization is waiting to hear his or her golden words, devoutly view his or her photos, and humbly (with self loathing) watch his or her videos. The narcissist is cut off from reality. The narcissist sucks.
Am I a narcissist?
You are probably something worse than a narcissist, but the scientific folk haven't named your condition yet.
I am not on Facebook. Would you still call me a narcissist?
I would call you a liar.
How dare you call me a liar!
I dare because I care.
Symptoms You are a Facebook Narcissist
- think everyone is waiting to hear from you
- think you have a whole legion of ardent devotees
- post selfies all the time
- post status updates every few minutes or hours
- post all your personal stuff on Facebook
- post status updates with stuff that had rather be in an encrypted personal message to your psychotherapist
- share your opinion on every trivial matter under the sun
- tag friends in all your posts (for greater reach)
- use hashtags indiscriminately
- cannot stay away from Facebook for even a day, even if you are on the summit of Everest
- use expletives in your statuses
- spend most of your Facebook time on your own profile page
- "Like" your own statuses and pictures
- tag your location every time you pass by an airport, luxury hotel, or high-end retail outlet
- constantly think about the welfare of your profile page when you are driving, bathing, eating, and pooping
I haven't been feeling well of late.I seem fine physically, but nothing seems to be going my way. I've thought about what the problem, at its core, could be and have managed to identify it.
It's the trash on Facebook that's making me sick. The trash is mostly yours, although a few others own it too.
Please don't be offended. I just want you to be objective and honest to yourself. I am sure nobody on your friend list really found the fact that you went window shopping at that Gucci showroom all that very interesting. Nobody hit the "Like" button on that status of yours, and just to save face, you "liked" your own status.
The other day, and every day before and after that day, you took a selfie while pouting. I can't even begin to let you know how terrifying it looked. It wasn't cute. Sometimes you do it with your friends, which is even worse. Don't tell me to mind my own business. Don't tell me to stop looking at your photos if I don't like them because I can't, because they are everywhere, like a plague of locusts. Don't get all defensive. When humanity faces threats, I raise my voice to protect it. Be considerate, not conceited.
You posted expletive-filled statuses when you broke-up with Ryan, and you did the same when you broke-up with Joey. You did the exact same thing when you broke-up with Mike. These three events happened in just a month's time. Now please count, or try to imagine, how many miserable statuses you made people read. Now you have an answer to why so many people have unfollowed or simply unfriended you.
I feel rather peeved when I see you tag locations you've never been to. Last Saturday, our bus barely passed the Grand Hyatt, and you reached for your phone and location-tagged it. How could you do that? You just want to show off and make people think you're a rich socialite like Paris Hilton. She's pathetic, and so are you!
Jenny, though you may not want to acknowledge it, you need help. I want to help you. Let me remind you of something that will keep you in good stead all your life. Frankly, nobody cares about what you think about most things. Most people simply don't have either the time or the patience to go through your frequent status updates. Stop living in an ivory tower. You are the center of no one's world but your own. I invite you to reality. Hope to see you there soon!
- With loads of discipline and rebukes,
Sir William Shakespeare