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Top Google Search With Humor: What Happens If You Don't Eat and Other Nonsense

Updated on January 8, 2013

INTRODUCTION FOR THOSE LIVING UNDER A ROCK

This has been a long time coming. I don’t think I have written one in this series for three months. I’ve been much too busy saving the world to take time out to laugh, and thank God my dear friend Paula on HubPages pointed out that fact and asked me to return to my unique brand of humor.

So here I am, ready to ridicule those hapless Google searchers who obviously don’t have the brains they were born with. It is my calling in life and it is one I am happy to undertake.

Now, for those of you who have never read one of these articles, I take a partial question and type it into the search engine; then I write down the corresponding questions that are asked by thousands of computer junkies…..and then I add my sarcastic wit and make an article out of it. Got it?

Today’s partial question is: what happens if? Since there were only four searches worth mentioning, I’ve decided to add a bonus at the end. The bonus question is one that was my first in this series…..how do you make?....I wanted to see if there had been anything new added in the past nine months to that search.

So you get a little double-dip today. Don’t say I never warned you!

Are you ready? Oh, one other thing: please don’t write a comment telling me the real way to do some of these things. I don’t care! This is an article written solely for the purpose of being silly and sarcastic. I truly don’t want to know what happens if your cat eats dandelions laced with catnip. Now, let’s get started.

Confused and mis-used!
Confused and mis-used! | Source

WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU DON’T PAY YOUR CREDIT CARDS?

Anybody who has ever been late one month on a credit card payment can answer this one. The credit card company will hunt you down more efficiently than the CIA or FBI; that’s what happens. You will receive annoying telephone calls from them daily, starting at eight a.m. and ending at six p.m., and those calls will continue until you answer their call and then are transferred to four different people, none of whom speaks English.

If you do not answer the calls they will start calling your family members, including your cousin Tommy who lives 3,000 miles away and who you haven’t spoken to in ten years. Look at it this way, it’s a great way to get back in touch with long-lost family members.

What happens if you don’t pay your credit cards? You become just like 100 million other Americans, and you start living a deficit program like your government.

WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU DON’T EAT?

Several things could happen. You could end up looking like my aunt Gladys, who buys her clothes at Toys R Us. She and Barbie are about the same size.

You could end up becoming famous as a fashion model, hated by all women and lusted after by my cousin Tommy. Also, you could die! Duh!

The only good thing that could come from not eating is that you will die and never again hear from those credit card companies, so give that some serious consideration.

WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU EAT MOLD?

This actually happened to my cousin Tommy down in Georgia. He had shot a possum down in the holler, and he put the body in the shed and then forgot about it. After a month he cooked it up, but then he ran out of RedMan, left the meal on the counter and went to the store for some chew, and came back only to find out that chemistry had done its thing with the possum. Naturally, Tommy ate it, and two days later he had green, fuzzy stuff growing between his toes. I kid you not!

If you believe any of that then you are dumber than Tommy and there is no hope for you.

Bev standing on the fiscal cliff
Bev standing on the fiscal cliff | Source

WHAT HAPPENS IF WE GO OVER THE FISCAL CLIFF?

Nothing worth mentioning! The rich will be not-quite-so rich, meaning they will have to limit their Porsche purchases to three this year. The middle class will no longer be middle class, and the poor will just remain….the poor.

Meanwhile, the politicians in Washington D.C. will continue to have a job saving us from them, or saving them from us….oh hell, it doesn’t matter….they will still have a job solving the problems that they created.

Like I said, nothing much worth mentioning!

After making chloroform
After making chloroform | Source

HOW DO YOU MAKE CHLOROFORM?

This has been the number one Google and Yahoo search, for this partial question, for ten months. Does that make you as nervous as it makes me?

Now, not only are there endless articles on how to make chloroform, but there are also YouTube videos taking you step by step through the process.

Are you sweating yet? Are you taking a closer look at your neighbor right about now?

We are surrounded by crazies, and that includes my cousin Tommy, who can make chloroform with the best of them. In fact, he has a YouTube video of his own….and one on not paying your credit cards….and one on not eating moldy possum. Quite the entrepreneur my cousin is.

HOW DO YOU MAKE MONEY?

I can answer this one, thanks to Tommy’s YouTube video called “Counterfeiting For Fun and Reward.”

All seriousness aside, get off your lazy butt and get a job. That’s how you make money! You won’t make much money, of course, since you will be part of the slave society that puts in fifty years of back-breaking work for minimum wage, but you will make SOME money.

If that doesn’t sound like fun, give Tommy a call and see what he can do for you. His number is 1-800-GO2-JAIL.

Ingredients for diaper cake
Ingredients for diaper cake | Source

HOW TO MAKE A DIAPER CAKE?

The silence you now hear is this writer trying to figure out what the hell this means. No, I will not look it up on the internet. I refuse to admit defeat that easily. Let’s see, a diaper cake…what could that be?

I’m betting the frosting is brown! Get it….brown….poop…diaper? And there has to be a creamy filling, right?

Oh hell, I don’t care. You look it up if you are interested.

THAT’S IT UNTIL NEXT TIME

Hey, I hope you had fun! I might have to do another one of these now that Paula reminded me. As is always the case, what Paula wants, Paula gets. I’ve learned over the past year to just agree with Paula.

Listen, until next time, remember to never eat anything that has green fuzzies on it, and you might want to skip anything that has brown frosting too; and for God’s sake, if you see my cousin Tommy, run as fast as is humanly possible in the opposite direction.

2013 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)

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    • Georgie Lowery profile image

      Georgianna Lowery 4 years ago from Slaton, Texas USA

      Ha! I was wondering where the wickedly funny billybuc went! Who do you think you are depriving us of the hilarity like you're saving the world or something?

      I do not want a diaper cake, but I've always wanted a kitty litter cake. And I bet your cousin Tommy is one of those folks that's always hollering "HEY Y'ALL, WATCH THIS!" Famous last words.

      Thank you. :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Georgie....kitty litter cake? WTF????? I don't even want to know. LOL Glad you enjoyed; I'll try to be back with this soon.....sometimes it takes me some time to extract my head from my posterior....tight fit. :)

      bill....and thank you!

    • carol7777 profile image

      carol stanley 4 years ago from Arizona

      Fun to start the day with a good laugh. We all need that. I loved all of this and always enjoy your antics....I never will eat chocolate frosting again...and stop eating..That is the funniest...Send that to Anorexia Anonymous. Now on to some of the serious aspects of life such as taking a shower, going out and thinking about what to make for dinner.

    • Michele Travis profile image

      Michele Travis 4 years ago from U.S.A. Ohio

      My daughter used to make Diaper Cake. It was pretty easy for her. As was Pee Pee Lemonade. She doesn't make them anymore. But, that is ok by me. Things change when your kids grow up. Now she makes things like Grumble and Groan, but only once a month.

      Voted up-:)

    • rahul0324 profile image

      Jessee R 4 years ago from Gurgaon, India

      hehehe!! Its good to be back on your google search series Bill!

      Some seriously funny facts you provide us with....

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Carol, you have your priorities in line for sure. :) Luckily I have a short memory, so i'll be able to each chocolate frosting again soon. Thank you my friend; glad you enjoyed!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Michele...Pee Pee Lemonade? Love it! Thanks for the return laugh!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Hey Rahul, so nice to see you. I hope you are well my friend, and I'm glad you enjoyed this silliness.

    • Janine Huldie profile image

      Janine Huldie 4 years ago from New York, New York

      Oh how I missed this series and if you do ever need or want to make a diaper cake, let me know, because sadly I know what they are and kind of how to make them, lol!! Seriously, thank for laughter this morning and have of course voted way up and shared all over as always!!

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      This has to be my Lifetime Achievement Award!! and to think, all I had to do was ask you to write one of your hilarious "google search hubs."

      Just goes to prove.....it's so true when they say, "Don't work harder....just smarter!"

      This is a killer, Bill. ....a "laugh til you cry," piece! But, all fun aside, there is no longer any doubt......we ARE half-siblings. He's MY cousin Tommy TOO!..............Up & F U N N Y!!!

    • KA Pederson profile image

      Kim Anne 4 years ago from Texas

      LOL! Thanks for the laugh! Voted you up for FUNNY!!!

    • poojasd7 profile image

      poojasd7 4 years ago from India

      Awesome! :D

      Billy, your sense of humor simply rocks!

      P.S.: Tommy is the real hero of this hub. :-P

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Janine, Bev explained it all to me last night after I read her my hub....weird tradition if you ask me. LOL Thank you my dear and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Paula, few people can pull my strings and get results...you are one of them. I'm glad you enjoyed it; remind me again so I can write another one in a few weeks. I have a tendency to get too serious and not let go of my crusade.

      Tommy sends his love!

      bill

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      KA, glad to be of assistance. I'm so glad you enjoyed it; I'll have to do more of these in the near future.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Pooja, LOL...thank you! I do have fun writing these; I really need to do more of them.

      If you met Tommy you might not say that. LOL

    • shiningirisheyes profile image

      Shining Irish Eyes 4 years ago from Upstate, New York

      LOL LOL LOL!!!!

      Your Aunt Gladys buys her clothes at Toys-R-Us! Priceless and hilarious description!

      Your cousin Tommy eating the possum and contracting toe fungus!!! He would fit in well with my Uncle Phil.

      I called 1-800go2jail and thanks to you, I am now writing this after having spent the night in the clink! All because of your idiot cousin Tommy's damned "how to make chloroform" video!

      Billy - This was so refreshing and I send out a special thank you to Paula for getting you back in that wicked wicked humorous mentality of yours!!!

      Now - my bill is on the way because I just don't make enough money to be cleaning all of these pairs of pants!

      Hilarious and I thoroughly LMAO!!!!!

      I LOVE YOU, (giggle giggle)

      Beckie XO

    • mpropp profile image

      Melissa Propp 4 years ago from Minnesota

      LOL, thanks Bill! I missed these!! As silly as the internet searches are, you make them SO entertaining for me. Thanks for putting a big cheesy grin on my face!

    • Radcliff profile image

      Liz Davis 4 years ago from Hudson, FL

      Oh. My. Gosh. You are so funny. My husband kept asking me why I was laughing, so I basically had to read the entire thing out loud.

      Your captions are the best. Ingredients for diaper cake. Hahahah!

      Love ya, Pappa Bear!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Melissa, if I gave you a cheesy grin then it was all worth it. Thanks you for giving me one in return.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Liz, I'm glad I provided a little humor this morning. I do have fun writing these, and it was good to get back on the lighter side for awhile. Thanks my wonderfully bizarre friend. :)

    • jenbeach21 profile image

      jenbeach21 4 years ago from Orlando, FL

      Too funny! Thanks for sharing.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Beckie, you make me laugh when you are laughing....and since it is a virtual laugh that's a pretty neat trick.

      Send the bill; hell, what's one more bill each month? I'll just ignore it with the rest of them. :)

      Glad you enjoyed this, Irish! Always happy when I make you smile and laugh.

      love,

      billy

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Jenbeach, my pleasure, and thank you for stopping by.

    • sarahshuihan profile image

      Sarah 4 years ago from USA

      haha! Great hub as always!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thanks Sarah; it's always nice to see you.

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      You know the facts, bill.....we can CHOOSE our friends, but we can't choose our RELATIVES......Tommy actually sounds like a FUNGI.....I mean Fun Guy.

    • EricDockett profile image

      Eric Dockett 4 years ago from USA

      As much as I enjoyed this Hub I now feel more uncertain than ever about the survival of our species for more than another hundred years or so. Very funny though! :-)

    • sarahshuihan profile image

      Sarah 4 years ago from USA

      ahha..I'm loving this series. I'm wondering what searches will come up next?

    • Curiad profile image

      Mark G Weller 4 years ago from Lake Charles, LA.

      Laughs, There is a Catahoula Hound I know that will eat anything, I mean anything and the cakes she makes are indescribable (A good thing too).

      Thank for the humor Bill!

      Mark

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Sarah, I have actually done about fifteen of these already...I'm running out of questions to ask. :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Shhh, Paula....don't tell anyone and maybe they won't realize that we are related to Fungi!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Eric, they are all around us....and they look so normal. :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      LOL...thank you for the humor, Mark! I'd love to meet that Hound!

    • MartieCoetser profile image

      Martie Coetser 4 years ago from South Africa

      Billybuc, I like your funny side. Lol!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thanks Martie; I need to bring it out more often. :)

    • xstatic profile image

      Jim Higgins 4 years ago from Eugene, Oregon

      Thank you Bill, for lightenup this cloudy day! These searches you do are a great idea and very funny.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      xstatic, thank you Sir! It was nice to return to some laughter for a change.

    • aviannovice profile image

      Deb Hirt 4 years ago from Stillwater, OK

      Awesome and up. The best parts were being the same size as Barbie and the picture of the main cake ingredients. Just so you know, the people at this house where I use the internet think I am nuts with the way that I was laughing. Now you can laugh about that!

    • bdegiulio profile image

      Bill De Giulio 4 years ago from Massachusetts

      My laugh for the evening. Excellent. I had almost forgotten about this side of you.

    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Fuller 4 years ago from Southern Illinois

      Now i must admit, i like your fun side better than living frugal. I always felt bad 'cos i like living in a normal size house and buying ' store bought food. Hee..This is a fun hub and it made me laugh. More please...

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Music to my ears, Deb! I love when people laugh at my silly stuff...I was kind of happy with the Barbie line as well.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thanks Bill; I had almost forgotten this side of me too. :)

    • teaches12345 profile image

      Dianna Mendez 4 years ago

      What a great way to end a day! Funny! Love your humor.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Ruby, you are too funny! No reason to feel bad; you earned the good life and I'm glad you are comfortable. You are a good person who cares about others, and that's what matters. I'll be glad to write more humor in the near future. Thank you!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thanks Dianna; I really need to remember this side of my writing.

    • Mhatter99 profile image

      Martin Kloess 4 years ago from San Francisco

      Thank you for this. Glad to see it back.

    • Tactfullyrude profile image

      Tactfullyrude 4 years ago from Idaho

      Holy crap Billy! I adore you!!! I needed a good laugh, pulled up your page and BLAMMO! Hit with a good hearted belly laugh!!!! You're absolutely my favorite!!!!

    • midget38 profile image

      Michelle Liew 4 years ago from Singapore

      I wonder why anyone would search for what would happen if they do not eat.....must've been an incomplete request. LOL! Thanks for sharing these off-the-wall searches!!

    • grandmapearl profile image

      Connie Smith 4 years ago from Southern Tier New York State

      Billy, I am still chuckling and wondering about the world at large for sure! Funny and entertaining stuff, but I'd like to know if Google's Panda and Penguin head back to their zoo cages in abject fear!! Lots of Votes Upwards on this one, my friend.

      Pearl

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thanks Martin; I had fun writing it.

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Tact, so good to see you back; thanks for the visit and I love that I made you laugh. Thank you my friend!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Midget, I wonder the same thing.....there is some strangeness out there for sure. :) Thank you!

    • billybuc profile image
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      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      LOL Pearl, that was a good one! Maybe we'll never see Panda again! We can only hope. Thank you and I'm glad you had fun with this.

    • phoenix2327 profile image

      Zulma Burgos-Dudgeon 4 years ago from United Kingdom

      Well worth the wait. I really like this series and have fun sharing it with my daughter.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thanks Phoenix; I'll try to do another one next week. :)

    • sgbrown profile image

      Sheila Brown 4 years ago from Southern Oklahoma

      This is just great! I am glad to see you back on the less serious track for a little while at least. We don't want you to stress out by trying to save the world. We love our Billy Buc and want him to stay around for a very long time! By the way, I have made a diaper cake! No brown frosting though! LOL Voting this up and more! :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      SG, thanks! Bev set me straight about the diaper cake...I don't know how I lived this long without knowing about it. LOL

    • Vinaya Ghimire profile image

      Vinaya Ghimire 4 years ago from Nepal

      Billy I love your hubs on google searches. Thanks to Paula for inspiring you to publish yet another funny hub.

      I use google all the time, but never took time to see what people are searching online.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Vinaya, hopefully you never have the time to do these searches....it will only depress you. :) Thank you my friend.

    • pstraubie48 profile image

      Patricia Scott 4 years ago from sunny Florida

      O, my, green stuff growing on this toes?? The last time I ate a possum I was able to hang from a tree by my tail...that's another story for another day....no green stuff between my toes but of course I did not let it grow mold...You gave me an idea for a hub...coming to a HubPages near you soon...

      I hope cousin Tommy is doing well.

      thanks for the chuckle....this is so much fun to read...

      The whole credit card thing..funny story...when my ex and I got divorced there was credit card debt which someone had caused and we wont' go there. Anyway the credit card people could not find him, so they found me. One came to my door asking for money. I was a sassy little thing, sassier then than now probably. I greeted the person and pulled him in the door by his arm.

      I said, "See this stuff. You take anything you want. Anything. I have no money. I didn't buy any of that stuff..I bought no guns, no tent, no camping chair,no grill, no fancy fishing poles, no hunting knives...none of it" And I am sure I rattled on and on for at least a little while.

      Then I ran in the other room and got the ex on the phone...and he stood right there in my kitchen and talked to him. I don't know what was said but I do know the CC guy never came to visit again. O, my...So anyway the advice about CC is true, truer than true.

      Again...thanks for the laughter early this tenth day of the new year. :) ps

    • Eiddwen profile image

      Eiddwen 4 years ago from Wales

      Clever and funny Billy; a combination which always creates a true winner.

      I vote up,across and share all around.

      Lots of love from my little corner Wales.

      Eddy.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you Eddy! I felt good to laugh at some silliness. :)

      love,

      billy

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      PS, I happen to admire sass! LOL What a great story; I would have loved to have seen you putting on a show for the CC guy. He probably went back to his office and quit his job that day.

      Thank you my friend; have a wonderful Thursday!

    • Genna East profile image

      Genna East 4 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Lol, Billy. I had to read a couple of these twice. What happens if you don’t pay your credit cards or don’t eat? Um…okaaaaay. Now I know where some of those dumb TV reality shows get their audience...they’re the same people punching in these Google searches. Mystery solved! :-) Great hub.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Genna, I have no doubt that you are correct. Reality shows drive me crazy; thank God I don't have a tv any longer. LOL Great line! Thank you!

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      ROTFL! Bill - that's what I love about the unexpected - the burst of laughter when you can not believe what you just read. As in the case of "What Happens if I don't Eat?" bahahaha! You disappear! Duh!

      Great one!!!!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      LOL..it's good to have you back, Kelly! You're always good for a laugh or two...or five. Thank you!

    • Glimmer Twin Fan profile image

      Glimmer Twin Fan 4 years ago

      It's funny how the searches you always mention are not ones that I do (at least I won't admit that I do). Thanks for the laugh.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Glimmer, I certainly hope you don't do these searches. I worry a little about me for doing them. :) Thanks my friend.

    • bravewarrior profile image

      Shauna L Bowling 4 years ago from Central Florida

      Speaking of 'how do you make chloroform', this Saturday night at 8PM EST on Lifetime is the movie, 'Prosecuting Casey Anthony'. From the previews I've seen, the person playing Casey Anthony looks like Casey Anthony! When her trial was going on she mentioned she wanted to play herself in a movie about the trial. I'm going to watch it just to see how close it is to what we were allowed to see here in the Orlando area. I'm also curious to see whether or not the lead really is played by the baby killing bitch! Rob Lowe plays the prosecuting attorney. It should be interesting.

      Oh, sorry, I side-tracked again..... funny hub my friend! It's been way too long since the last installment!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Sha, since I don't have a tv........yada yada yada

      Let me know how it goes. Anthony didn't get nearly the press here that she obviously got there. I barely remember the story. :)

      Thanks for the last sentence. Another installment is done and waiting for me to hit publish.

    • bravewarrior profile image

      Shauna L Bowling 4 years ago from Central Florida

      Bill, she's the 20-something that murdered her 2 year old little girl so she could party and got away with it!!!!!!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      I remember her, Sha; I'm just saying it hardly warranted mention on the west coast. We have our own atrocities out here to concentrate on. :)

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