Top Google Search With Humor: What Happens If You Don't Eat and Other Nonsense
INTRODUCTION FOR THOSE LIVING UNDER A ROCK
This has been a long time coming. I don’t think I have written one in this series for three months. I’ve been much too busy saving the world to take time out to laugh, and thank God my dear friend Paula on HubPages pointed out that fact and asked me to return to my unique brand of humor.
So here I am, ready to ridicule those hapless Google searchers who obviously don’t have the brains they were born with. It is my calling in life and it is one I am happy to undertake.
Now, for those of you who have never read one of these articles, I take a partial question and type it into the search engine; then I write down the corresponding questions that are asked by thousands of computer junkies…..and then I add my sarcastic wit and make an article out of it. Got it?
Today’s partial question is: what happens if? Since there were only four searches worth mentioning, I’ve decided to add a bonus at the end. The bonus question is one that was my first in this series…..how do you make?....I wanted to see if there had been anything new added in the past nine months to that search.
So you get a little double-dip today. Don’t say I never warned you!
Are you ready? Oh, one other thing: please don’t write a comment telling me the real way to do some of these things. I don’t care! This is an article written solely for the purpose of being silly and sarcastic. I truly don’t want to know what happens if your cat eats dandelions laced with catnip. Now, let’s get started.
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU DON’T PAY YOUR CREDIT CARDS?
Anybody who has ever been late one month on a credit card payment can answer this one. The credit card company will hunt you down more efficiently than the CIA or FBI; that’s what happens. You will receive annoying telephone calls from them daily, starting at eight a.m. and ending at six p.m., and those calls will continue until you answer their call and then are transferred to four different people, none of whom speaks English.
If you do not answer the calls they will start calling your family members, including your cousin Tommy who lives 3,000 miles away and who you haven’t spoken to in ten years. Look at it this way, it’s a great way to get back in touch with long-lost family members.
What happens if you don’t pay your credit cards? You become just like 100 million other Americans, and you start living a deficit program like your government.
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU DON’T EAT?
Several things could happen. You could end up looking like my aunt Gladys, who buys her clothes at Toys R Us. She and Barbie are about the same size.
You could end up becoming famous as a fashion model, hated by all women and lusted after by my cousin Tommy. Also, you could die! Duh!
The only good thing that could come from not eating is that you will die and never again hear from those credit card companies, so give that some serious consideration.
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU EAT MOLD?
This actually happened to my cousin Tommy down in Georgia. He had shot a possum down in the holler, and he put the body in the shed and then forgot about it. After a month he cooked it up, but then he ran out of RedMan, left the meal on the counter and went to the store for some chew, and came back only to find out that chemistry had done its thing with the possum. Naturally, Tommy ate it, and two days later he had green, fuzzy stuff growing between his toes. I kid you not!
If you believe any of that then you are dumber than Tommy and there is no hope for you.
WHAT HAPPENS IF WE GO OVER THE FISCAL CLIFF?
Nothing worth mentioning! The rich will be not-quite-so rich, meaning they will have to limit their Porsche purchases to three this year. The middle class will no longer be middle class, and the poor will just remain….the poor.
Meanwhile, the politicians in Washington D.C. will continue to have a job saving us from them, or saving them from us….oh hell, it doesn’t matter….they will still have a job solving the problems that they created.
Like I said, nothing much worth mentioning!
HOW DO YOU MAKE CHLOROFORM?
This has been the number one Google and Yahoo search, for this partial question, for ten months. Does that make you as nervous as it makes me?
Now, not only are there endless articles on how to make chloroform, but there are also YouTube videos taking you step by step through the process.
Are you sweating yet? Are you taking a closer look at your neighbor right about now?
We are surrounded by crazies, and that includes my cousin Tommy, who can make chloroform with the best of them. In fact, he has a YouTube video of his own….and one on not paying your credit cards….and one on not eating moldy possum. Quite the entrepreneur my cousin is.
HOW DO YOU MAKE MONEY?
I can answer this one, thanks to Tommy’s YouTube video called “Counterfeiting For Fun and Reward.”
All seriousness aside, get off your lazy butt and get a job. That’s how you make money! You won’t make much money, of course, since you will be part of the slave society that puts in fifty years of back-breaking work for minimum wage, but you will make SOME money.
If that doesn’t sound like fun, give Tommy a call and see what he can do for you. His number is 1-800-GO2-JAIL.
HOW TO MAKE A DIAPER CAKE?
The silence you now hear is this writer trying to figure out what the hell this means. No, I will not look it up on the internet. I refuse to admit defeat that easily. Let’s see, a diaper cake…what could that be?
I’m betting the frosting is brown! Get it….brown….poop…diaper? And there has to be a creamy filling, right?
Oh hell, I don’t care. You look it up if you are interested.
THAT’S IT UNTIL NEXT TIME
Hey, I hope you had fun! I might have to do another one of these now that Paula reminded me. As is always the case, what Paula wants, Paula gets. I’ve learned over the past year to just agree with Paula.
Listen, until next time, remember to never eat anything that has green fuzzies on it, and you might want to skip anything that has brown frosting too; and for God’s sake, if you see my cousin Tommy, run as fast as is humanly possible in the opposite direction.
2013 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)