Why Am I Single and Other Nonsense

Well, it’s that time again. We are about to take a journey into the minds of hundreds of thousands of internet users to find out what they are inquisitive about this week. For some this will be a terrifying trip and I warn you this is not for the timid of spirit. You need to be strong as you join me; you need to be compassionate as well because, quite frankly, some of these people are not well and they need as much understanding as we can muster.

For those of you who are not familiar with this particular format, I type into the search engines an incomplete question and then I share the responses that I find. Please, don’t get your panties in a knot. This is all done in a lighthearted way and I mean no malice towards anyone out there. It is not my intention to seem insensitive; it is, however, my intention to be sarcastic and I think, once again, I have succeeded.

With that introduction out of the way I give you this week’s question: Why am I?

WHY AM I ALWAYS HUNGRY?

My mom always wanted to know if I had a tapeworm; she figured there must be a valid, medical reason for me eating anything that wasn’t nailed down when I was a kid. As for the people entering this question in the search engines, I am picturing a tapeworm infestation the likes of which we have never seen….a plague if you will….possibly of Biblical proportions. God has reached down from the heavens and placed tapeworms into the stomachs of the sinners of the world. Oh, wait, that would mean we would all be hungry right now and I’m feeling quite full right! Following that line of logic we can deduce that I am not a sinner.

I like where this is going!

Back to the Google morons, you are always hungry because you aren’t eating enough! Duh! Double Duh! Park you butt in front of the fridge and graze like the rest of us do and don’t ever bother us with this question again!

WHY AM I GAINING WEIGHT

Obviously we have the people on the other end of the spectrum, the ones who at one time were hungry, then parked themselves in front of the fridge and grazed, but then never stopped grazing. Now, instead of sitting on a stool in front of the fridge they need a reinforced, heavy-duty hardwood chair. Soon they will need a crane!

To put it as simply and yet indelicately as I can, you are gaining weight because you are eating too damn much! You either need to eat less or start sinning in which case God will take care of the problem for you. He still has an ample supply of those tapeworms and some have your name on them.

WHY AM I SO TIRED?

Well, it could be because you wear yourself out eating all the time. It could be because you have now ballooned to 350 pounds and it takes considerable effort to move around. It could be because you aren’t sleeping enough because you are so busy stuffing your face with German Chocolate Cake or it could be because you have been a particularly nasty person of late and God has increased your weight with twenty pounds of tapeworms as penance for your transgressions. I don’t know and I don’t care.

Go to bed, eat less, be a nicer person, take some Milk of Magnesia and don’t call me in the morning.

By the way, you will never catch me typing this question into the search engines. I know why I’m so tired; it’s called being sixty-three!

WHY AM I ALWAYS COLD?

Maybe because you live in a nudist colony in Alaska! Sheez, put on some clothes and/or move to Texas. Or do both! I strongly suggest you put on some clothes before moving to Texas. The Lone Star State frowns on skinny-dipping in their fountains no matter how damn hot it is there.

Wait! I’ve got it! The same people who are typing this question are the ones who have tapeworms. Of course they are cold; they have no meat on their bones. If this is the case then quit your sinning ways. Say fifty “Hail Marys” and twenty “Our Fathers” like we had to in Catholic school and God will forgive you and the tapeworms will disappear.

Come to think of it, quit whining! I live in Washington where it always rains. You don’t hear any of us Washingtonians complaining about being cold and yet we walk around 24/7 365 soaked to the bone. Put on your big girl pants or strap on some balls and get on with your life you Commie nudist sinner!

WHY AM I DIZZY?

I swear, the first thing I thought of when I saw this question was, “because you are blond.”

Please, don’t shoot me! It was just a knee-jerk reaction and I feel so bad about it.

So, why are you so dizzy? Either you are eating way too much or you aren’t eating enough or your metabolism is all screwed up because you are walking around naked in Alaska. Any one of those things would make you dizzy.

Please remember an earlier warning: It’s okay to eat too much in Texas and it’s okay to eat too little in Texas, but it’s not okay to skinny-dip in Texas. I know, that makes no sense but really, isn’t that the theme of this article?

WHY AM I STILL SINGLE?

I have no idea and I don’t care! How’s that for a Dr. Phil attitude? Maybe it’s because you always have crumbs from that German Chocolate Cake all over your clothes! Maybe it’s because you don’t wear clothes! Maybe it’s because you are always drinking Milk of Magnesia and saying the Hail Mary and Our Father prayers!

I couldn’t buy a date in high school or college so if you think I’m going to feel sorry for you then you are sadly mistaken. I was so naïve I didn’t even know they sold plastic blow-up dolls or that would have been my date.

WHY AM I HERE?

Oh brother! Not this philosophical, existential crap! Why are you here? To annoy the hell out of the rest of us! That is your sole purpose in life and you are doing it oh so well!

I have three words of advice for anyone who goes online and types in this question. Here it comes so jot it down and staple it to your forehead: GET A LIFE!

Why are you here? You are here for the same reason the rest of us are, to work yourself to the bone, pay taxes, raise grumpy, unappreciative kids and grow old before your time. If you are lucky you’ll be able to retire by the time you are seventy and spend your retirement years in “Hazel’s Home For The Poor and Weary” where you will watch reruns of Dr. Phil and think back to your days as a nudist in Alaska, otherwise known as the good old days. THAT’S WHY YOU ARE HERE!

TIME TO SAY TTFN

Where has the time gone? It seems like we only just started and now we have to say ta-ta! I hope you had fun; I know I certainly did. Until next time, keep those clothes on, do not buy an inflatable doll in Texas and always drink that Milk of Magnesia with a Wild Turkey chaser. It just goes down so much smoother!

2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)