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Why Am I Single and Other Nonsense
Well, it’s that time again. We are about to take a journey into the minds of hundreds of thousands of internet users to find out what they are inquisitive about this week. For some this will be a terrifying trip and I warn you this is not for the timid of spirit. You need to be strong as you join me; you need to be compassionate as well because, quite frankly, some of these people are not well and they need as much understanding as we can muster.
For those of you who are not familiar with this particular format, I type into the search engines an incomplete question and then I share the responses that I find. Please, don’t get your panties in a knot. This is all done in a lighthearted way and I mean no malice towards anyone out there. It is not my intention to seem insensitive; it is, however, my intention to be sarcastic and I think, once again, I have succeeded.
With that introduction out of the way I give you this week’s question: Why am I?
WHY AM I ALWAYS HUNGRY?
My mom always wanted to know if I had a tapeworm; she figured there must be a valid, medical reason for me eating anything that wasn’t nailed down when I was a kid. As for the people entering this question in the search engines, I am picturing a tapeworm infestation the likes of which we have never seen….a plague if you will….possibly of Biblical proportions. God has reached down from the heavens and placed tapeworms into the stomachs of the sinners of the world. Oh, wait, that would mean we would all be hungry right now and I’m feeling quite full right! Following that line of logic we can deduce that I am not a sinner.
I like where this is going!
Back to the Google morons, you are always hungry because you aren’t eating enough! Duh! Double Duh! Park you butt in front of the fridge and graze like the rest of us do and don’t ever bother us with this question again!
WHY AM I GAINING WEIGHT
Obviously we have the people on the other end of the spectrum, the ones who at one time were hungry, then parked themselves in front of the fridge and grazed, but then never stopped grazing. Now, instead of sitting on a stool in front of the fridge they need a reinforced, heavy-duty hardwood chair. Soon they will need a crane!
To put it as simply and yet indelicately as I can, you are gaining weight because you are eating too damn much! You either need to eat less or start sinning in which case God will take care of the problem for you. He still has an ample supply of those tapeworms and some have your name on them.
WHY AM I SO TIRED?
Well, it could be because you wear yourself out eating all the time. It could be because you have now ballooned to 350 pounds and it takes considerable effort to move around. It could be because you aren’t sleeping enough because you are so busy stuffing your face with German Chocolate Cake or it could be because you have been a particularly nasty person of late and God has increased your weight with twenty pounds of tapeworms as penance for your transgressions. I don’t know and I don’t care.
Go to bed, eat less, be a nicer person, take some Milk of Magnesia and don’t call me in the morning.
By the way, you will never catch me typing this question into the search engines. I know why I’m so tired; it’s called being sixty-three!
WHY AM I ALWAYS COLD?
Maybe because you live in a nudist colony in Alaska! Sheez, put on some clothes and/or move to Texas. Or do both! I strongly suggest you put on some clothes before moving to Texas. The Lone Star State frowns on skinny-dipping in their fountains no matter how damn hot it is there.
Wait! I’ve got it! The same people who are typing this question are the ones who have tapeworms. Of course they are cold; they have no meat on their bones. If this is the case then quit your sinning ways. Say fifty “Hail Marys” and twenty “Our Fathers” like we had to in Catholic school and God will forgive you and the tapeworms will disappear.
Come to think of it, quit whining! I live in Washington where it always rains. You don’t hear any of us Washingtonians complaining about being cold and yet we walk around 24/7 365 soaked to the bone. Put on your big girl pants or strap on some balls and get on with your life you Commie nudist sinner!
WHY AM I DIZZY?
I swear, the first thing I thought of when I saw this question was, “because you are blond.”
Please, don’t shoot me! It was just a knee-jerk reaction and I feel so bad about it.
So, why are you so dizzy? Either you are eating way too much or you aren’t eating enough or your metabolism is all screwed up because you are walking around naked in Alaska. Any one of those things would make you dizzy.
Please remember an earlier warning: It’s okay to eat too much in Texas and it’s okay to eat too little in Texas, but it’s not okay to skinny-dip in Texas. I know, that makes no sense but really, isn’t that the theme of this article?
WHY AM I STILL SINGLE?
I have no idea and I don’t care! How’s that for a Dr. Phil attitude? Maybe it’s because you always have crumbs from that German Chocolate Cake all over your clothes! Maybe it’s because you don’t wear clothes! Maybe it’s because you are always drinking Milk of Magnesia and saying the Hail Mary and Our Father prayers!
I couldn’t buy a date in high school or college so if you think I’m going to feel sorry for you then you are sadly mistaken. I was so naïve I didn’t even know they sold plastic blow-up dolls or that would have been my date.
WHY AM I HERE?
Oh brother! Not this philosophical, existential crap! Why are you here? To annoy the hell out of the rest of us! That is your sole purpose in life and you are doing it oh so well!
I have three words of advice for anyone who goes online and types in this question. Here it comes so jot it down and staple it to your forehead: GET A LIFE!
Why are you here? You are here for the same reason the rest of us are, to work yourself to the bone, pay taxes, raise grumpy, unappreciative kids and grow old before your time. If you are lucky you’ll be able to retire by the time you are seventy and spend your retirement years in “Hazel’s Home For The Poor and Weary” where you will watch reruns of Dr. Phil and think back to your days as a nudist in Alaska, otherwise known as the good old days. THAT’S WHY YOU ARE HERE!
TIME TO SAY TTFN
Where has the time gone? It seems like we only just started and now we have to say ta-ta! I hope you had fun; I know I certainly did. Until next time, keep those clothes on, do not buy an inflatable doll in Texas and always drink that Milk of Magnesia with a Wild Turkey chaser. It just goes down so much smoother!
2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)
Comments
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Thank you again Efficient! There are quite a few more to keep you entertained. I appreciate you stopping by.
LOL you are hilarious billybuc! Can't wait to read some of the others!
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Made, perhaps it is time to move. I spent a year in Alaska and believe me, that place is cold. I can't imagine always being cold, year after year. I love the seasons but I must have some warmth to look forward to.
As always I greatly appreciate you my friend.
Why didn't I google "Why am I always cold"? I am always cold. Finland is cold. I should probably move to some warmer place, and that makes me want to ask the question: "Why am I here?" Funny hub! :)
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Tillsontitan, thank you and I have a great time writing these hubs. I'm glad you enjoyed it and believe me, you aren't alone with those senior moments. Now, where the hell did I put my clothes?
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Ava, I love your answers. It is a fun read and it is fun to do the searches and just be silly with the answers. People are quite strange...except for you and me of course. :)
...once again, you have succeeded...you've turned your hub into something funny and enjoyable. First though, let me tell you when I was in Alaska I must've been in the wrong part 'cause I didn't see any nudist camps. Second, I used to have blonde moments but I've grown and matured, now I have senior moments. As always, loved this hub. Voted funny and interesting but I can't find the damn Vote up button. Thanks for SHARING.
This was such a fun read. Some really stupid people out there huh! I was thinking..the answer for the question- why M I here? answer- Because you are losing it! Who in the right sense of mind would ask such a question? Lord knows, blame those nudists! =oP
Thank you, Bill.
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Rebecca, I couldn't help myself. My "weird" side was let loose. I'm glad you enjoyed it!
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Daisy, I agree, the questions actually are pretty normal. Just goes to show how much fun we can have with normal. Thank you for stopping by.
Ha, Ha, really cute. I like that "Dr. Phil attitude.
Lol Why am i dizzy? because your blonde! brilliant! Some pretty decent 'why am i' questions really, nothing to out of the ordinary i dont think.
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Cyndi, it was my pleasure. I have great fun writing these and always make sure I do one per week so I can have a good laugh.
Hi Billybuc, These are hilarious! I love it when people ask these kind of questions expecting someone to give them answers they can then do something with. There's a laugh in all of them. If you combine them, I have to think that the questioner who asks "why am I single?' has a tapeworm which keeps them hungry and dizzy all the time, unable to make rational decisions, which answers why they're living cold and tired in a nudist colony in Alaska, unloved, unwanted and wondering "why am I here?" Thanks for passing along your Google searches. Loved it.
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Christy, I hate to admit this, but I at one time watched Dr. Phil daily. Sigh! The truth is out. Thank you my friend!
Hehe I like when you mention Dr Phil - you are the HubPages version! Your segments are so funny. Now I say "Why am I still laughing?" Oh wait, I know the answer: because I just read this hub!
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Internet, I'm so glad you enjoyed it. We all need to laugh more in life. Thank you.
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Natasha, and you are as lovely as always. Thank you my dear from gracing my profile with your smile.
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Grace, I tried lying to myself and I wasn't any good at it. Go figure! Thank you for dropping by.
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Jennifer, if I made you laugh then my work is done and I am happy. Thank you!
Wow! This really interesting and funny. These searches are really funny, but this makes us laugh. Thanks for sharing this wonderful Hub.
My guess would be you're single because you spend all your time searching stuff on Google instead of interacting with real people!
As funny as always. =)
Your so funny. It seems that you are very honest with yourself. I like it.
Thanks for this, great hub thats made me laugh! Voted up and stuff :-D
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Teacher, there is nothing funny about vertigo issues but I'm glad you found this funny! Take care and thank you.
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Modern, glad I gave you a smile. Thank you!
Very funny! Although when I was having my vertigo issues, I was one of the crazy people that typed in Why Am I Dizzy - I think I was over under eating, blonde and naked in Alaska - that might have been an easier fix to my problems! Can't wait 'til the next one!
I love it when Google autocompletes with these nonsense searches. Thanks! You made me smile.
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Good night TT
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Tammy, your story might be funnier than my hub! Great laugh on that one. Please write your adventures. I'd buy that book! Thank you my dear!
lmbo! :)
Cute hub.. I even chuckled a little about the part about being dizzy. I guess I have to own that though. I have had my share of blonde moments. Years ago I had a minivan and got it stuck in some very deep mud. My ex told me to get something grippy to put under the tires so they could get some traction. I passed up the bag of cat litter and thought I was really smart picking up a bag of quick mix cement. But, he was the one to pour it under the tires (he is blonde too). Needless to say it didn't work. The tow truck driver had a good laugh, and a really, really hard time pulling the van out of the cement that spun all around the bottom of the car. Perhaps I will write a hub of my adventures as a blonde. Thanks for the laugh. This is great.
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Hey, Cyndi, have a great bike ride and rest up your brain. When is school over? You are on the last leg of your old life and just about to start a new chapter and that is exciting.
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Krsharp, that may be the best comment of the day. I shouldn't drink milk while reading comments. Thanks for the laugh!
I will never again ponder how my doctor became so wealthy. Loved reading and snickering!
Haha, I'm always cold and I moved from Colorado to North Carolina. :D Let's see...I'm gaining weight, but that's because I'm in front of a computer a lot. But, that's where the bike ride this weekend will help! Ha! Fun hub as always. I'll try to remember not to get my panties in a wad. ;)
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My pleasure Nell. It is rewarding being able to write something that other people enjoy! I appreciate you very much.
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Sleep well Crystal and thank you for following me.
This was so funny! I am sitting here giggling away like some demented dumb blonde, yeah thats me, no not dumb just blonde! lol! thanks for the laugh, I needed that!
Billy, I wrote four stories today at work and am running on fumes. Apparently, it's time for me to get out from behind the computer and go to bed!
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You must have had an itchy trigger finger; you sent this twice...so I'll give the same response twice....LOL
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LOL
He's hoping for a second coming of the great flood. :)
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TT, that's pretty handy. Tell him if he wants to work on ferryboats he's in the wrong state. :)
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Crystal, now that was funny! People who make comments on these are usually funnier than I am. My ego should be crushed and yet I find it terribly funny. :) Thank you for taking the time to visit.
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B. Leekley, I'm getting there myself. I swear I would forget my head if it weren't attached. Thanks for dropping by.
Hubby is a mechanic (he was trained as a marine specialist, but found that he loves working on land based diesels, generators, and heavy equipment). So, yeah, we can go just about anywhere there are big rigs, trains, boats, or things like that. His dream job would be to work for the Alaska Marine Highway on the ferryboats. lol
Maybe you're still single because you're Googling "Why am I still single." Sheesh. Good job Billy!
The net can be amusing.
About blondes, compare 'dizzy' and 'ditsy'. Personally I've never known a dizzy or ditsy blonde. I myself am too often ditsy, in the sense of easily confused.
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Money, I have done that and laughed quite hard when I've seen the results. People continue to amaze me. Thank you for visiting my site.
It is also funny to check out the keywords which people use to find your website. Time to time they use very funny phrases (and I absolutely do not understand how is possible that my websites rank well for these long tail nonsenses :)).
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Always a pleasure Gail; I'm glad I didn't disappoint you.
Hope you are well and happy!
bill
Since I've been married for almost 38 years I had to ask myself, "Why am I clicking on this hub?" but of course the answer was, "it's written by Billybuc so it's got to be good and funny!
Thanks for a good chuckle and an entertaining read.
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My pleasure Teaches; any old time you want a laugh just do a Google search! Thank you for once again being so loyal.
LOL! Thanks for the great write up on the Funny Google Searches. You can get just about any type of info on the search engines... sometime a little scary.
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Thanks Mark; I really enjoy writing them. I hope you are well my friend.
I love these hubs, it is amazing the things people will Google, the scary part is the people behind the keyboard!
Well done Bill!
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Hey Kelly, thank you so much. I don't think I've ever been accused of being brilliant but I'm willing to bask in that glow for a few minutes. :)
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Tireless, I have always had a rather active imagination and I love being silly so there you go! Thank you so much for taking the time to visit.
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Sha, if I can bring some laughter into your life then I am very happy. Take care my dear friend and smile, smile and smile some more.
Bill these are always brilliant! You are funny AND clever! lol I am always really surprised by what people are googling so much too! Would have never guessed some of these!
Great laugh. A good imagination always enhances silliness. Cheers! Another good question is What is a swaddle?
Bill, I've grown to love Thursdays! I can always count on you for my lunchtime chuckle. You've done it again, my friend!
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Well, at least you waved at the river on your way past it...that's something I guess. What does your husband do for a living? The reason I ask is you said you would be moving to Montana...does he have a job that allows him to move around?
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Silver, now your comment was hilarious! You are welcome and thank you as well.
No, they have a 6 month back log and they have all been working late. *sigh* We did drive over it and wave tho. :) I don't know that my comment was funnier than your whole hub, I would say it complimented it like a good wine. :) *giggle*
German chocolate cake crumbs? Well now, that's a date-breaker if I ever heard one, especially if we are talking Alaskan nudists and I am not going to say another word. Except thanks for the morning laughter!!
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Thanks Keith; glad you liked it!
LOL awesome!
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Paula, that last part was the scariest statement you could have made..don't recall being single. I, on the other hand, have too many memories of being single and believe me, I don't do well without constant supervision. :)
Thanks buddy; hope you are seeing some summer-like weather.
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CassyLu, so glad you enjoyed my attempt at humor. :)
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See, once again your comment is funnier than my hub! That's not the way it's supposed to work. :) Thank you my dear friend! Did you get out on the river yesterday?
bill....Now these are some questions that could be fun to answer. Your creative and funny comments had me laughing too hard......
I AM always hungry, which is exactly why I buy duct tape by the case....in various colors to match my outfits........Thus....I don't gain weight, but am often extremely grouchy.
Being from WNY.. and having a functioning brain, I know every trick for keeping warm. For those who haven't figured this out yet.......Winter is the COLD season.
I've suffered dizzy spells only once, due to a medication reaction......unless it counts that my Dad sometimes called me a "dizzy broad."
The only time get tired is when people ask DUMB questions......I usually refer them to Google!
I'm not single.....hmmm, let me think.....I don't recall ever being single. That's scary!!
UP+++
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Austin, I would never mock Texas! :) I might have just a bit of fun but never mock. :) So glad you don't hate me and thanks for reading.
LOL amazing what some people want to know :) Great hub, voted up and shared :)
As a survivor of the Alaska Nudist Camp, I can attest that it is cold without clothes and once I repented from parking my fat arse in front of the ice box and gobbling cake naked, the good Lord relieved me of my tape worm. I was then able to find a date to the Senior Prom. I'm still cold, though.
Why do I think this hub is funny?
Why do you mock Texas?
Why am I such a wiseass?
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Hey Susan, so glad you enjoyed this; I had a blast writing it! It's fun to just be silly and let it rip!
LOL!!! Thanks for the laughs again!
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Audra, I haven't seen you pop up lately. Hope all is well with you my friend. Thanks for stopping by!
I love your Dr. Phil attitude and Paul Simon is great! Love your latest installment! Fun, fun, and fun!
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Lord, I had great fun writing this; so happy you enjoyed it and thank you very much.
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Thank you Weestro; so glad you enjoyed it.
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Unknown, thank you; for some reason this one was very easy to write...it took me like half an hour and I had a riot while writing it.
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Snowdrops, so glad I could bring a smile to your face. Thank you as always.
Oh God! Milk of Magnesia? Seems that indeed we speak the same language my friend! These people are really having it with the search engines. Funny and humorous!
LORD
Good stuff, voted up and awesome!
You did it again @Billybuc! Great hub!!!
LOL!! AS always..these things made me smile! Thank you for sharing, great hub!
Voted up and ALL.
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