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An American’s Awful Travel Guide to Spain

Updated on March 4, 2019

Edited by Derek Gutierrez

Spain. Often considered the country with people who speak too loudly, and the people who live on a different time schedule from the rest of Europe. It was once the capital of the entire world -- a country that had the glorious Spanish Armada and the colonies that reaped all of the resources from indigenous populations.

Hello, I’m Steven Hall, and I’m here to save you a plane ticket.

The History of Spain

So… at some point in history, people created countries known as Castile and Aragon. These two countries had leaders that fell in love and made a union known as Spain. After this, they invested in an explorer and made a bunch of money. I didn't really learn a lot about Spanish history while in Spain so if you want to learn more here’s a video:



Barcelona

About a year ago, as a way to get out of school for a week, I found myself on this plane sent towards the great city of Barcelona. When I landed the first thing I noticed was that it’s cold. Spain was not supposed to be cold so I was worried that it’d ruin my experience. Where do I start first?

I started with the recommended hotspots on my travel guide. This is a travel guide so it involved me doing things I don't want to do.

My first stop was to the legendary project La Sagrada Familia Church.

I was hungry though; I didn’t know a lot of the places to eat around Barcelona, but I found a restaurant that really hits home, McDonald's.


After my tasty Big Mac, I went to the church. There was just one problem -- I didn't realize you buy a ticket to get in. What kind of church makes me do that? I thought Martin Luther had a whole referendum about money inside the church?

The line to get in was about an hour, while the line to buy tickets was five, and I had to pee. So I decided instead to take some pictures outside just to prove to people that I was there. I would recommend La Sagrada Familia Church to everyone.


Next, I wanted to visit the most overcrowded area in Barcelona so I went to Park Güell.

According to the rubbish tourist guide website for Barcelona, the area was “A magical park with amazing buildings, sculptures, and tile work…” The only thing I was thinking about was how out of shape I was compared to the other tourists. The last 200-meter walk is up a steep hill. As you could imagine, this was a pretty accurate description of my time:

The view from the area is surprisingly nice. Go to the top level, grab some beer or cola and realize you don’t need to visit any landmarks, you can just see it through here.


Lastly, while I was there apparently there was a referendum for the people in Barcelona to secede from Spain. They won, but there’s just one tiny issue. They didn’t actually secede from Spain because they had no legitimacy. I saw a lot of people lighting fireworks and partying all over the city. I felt like I should ruin their day by saying the vote isn’t real, but a lot of them did end up fighting police and creating carnage. Maybe it was a good idea that I kept my mouth shut.

Seville

Now, if you're like me, you rent all of your motel rooms from Craigslist. When we first got there the owner didn’t know who we were and asked us to wait for 45 minutes. I thought this was really unprofessional, but later on, they let us into our rooms.

To say the rooms were passable is to be too generous. It looked as if I stepped into a third world country.

A lot of these areas in Europe look exactly the same. Look at this nice picture of Spain.


Isn’t it so wonderful? Well you're wrong, it’s not from Sevilla, it's actually from Italy

This is what Sevilla looks like


Most of my days there, I was on tours exploring the city and wasting all of my money. The only reason that I love this place is because of the audio guide. They can make a city filled with socialist propaganda seem intriguing. Perhaps Bernie Sanders would like coming here.

I saw this show, where we had this lady performing classical dances, and a band singing. Sadly I didn't know most of the Spanish words they were saying so I pretty much nodded along, like how most Americans did during the Spanish part of Despacito.


Second I went to this place known as Plaza de Espana. I was oddly bored most of the time, but there was a man playing with this gigantic bubble blower. He was able to keep me entertained for a while.

The workers at this place threw me out because I was the last one left. This city closes too early, it's time to say adios.

Back to America

It was time to come home now, back to New York where it’s 50 degrees colder, and everyone is fat.

So that’s my experience in Spain. If you want my advice, forget the trip and do something that’s actually worth the money. If you're ever in Barcelona or Seville, just stay in your hotel and order room service.

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