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Crappy Carl And Me Go To Six Flags Great America

Updated on February 11, 2012

As I worked as a teacher assistant, there came a time when we had to go to Six Flags Great America in Gurnee, Illinois. Crappy Carl went with me because he was a "chaperone".

We were in charge of these eighth graders, and they immediately got into it with the mother of the kid I was watching. They said why do we have to go where you go we want to go where we want to go.

They were hilarious.

"Hey," I say pulling out my check card. "I gotta go find an ATM, anyone else need to go?"

"Yeah," one of them said. "Considering I have a job."

One of them goes and finishes his dairy dots and he's got this disgusting empty ice cream container that he sneezed in, all wrapped around a wet-ice-cream-laden napkin.

"Hey man," he says to this guy walking past with his chick. "This is for you."

And so he hands him this mess and just keeps walking.

The guy is standing there with this mess in his hands.

So off the other eighth graders go and it's me, my down syndrome kid who's awesome, his mom, and Crappy Carl.

"Hey man," he says to girls who walk by. "This is my son."

After a while Crappy Carl and the mom start talking.

"So what's your story?" she says.

"Oh," Crappy Carl tells her. "I just got out of the peace corps."

She lights up. "Is that right?"

"Na," Carl replies.

So we go on Superman the ride. It goes up all slow and your back is facing the wheels so your stomach is 100 feet over the ground. You're sure the wheels are gonna fall off and then NOOOOOOOO YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAHHHHH!!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Oh and we flip so we're now looking up at the sun, and then back around OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Superman was a great ride.

We were sure that the bigger, badder ones would be even more fun.

Deja Vu almost broke my hip.

Vertical Velocity we were right in the middle and I couldn't see crap.

Raging Bull was real fast but no loops.

Iron Wolf has got to be the very best one. Stand-up roller coasters are the coolest thing ever.

Lunch was 23 dollars but absolutely delicious.

My student put cheese sauce all over my windbreaker and thought it was hilarious. Our supervisor, who hated my guts, thought it was hilarious too.

I say to the cool math teacher -- "You know what I noticed? No sex jokes. These kids are never swearing or telling jokes about sex."

"Yeah," he smirks. "Because you're not prone to joke about that stuff when you're doing it."


And so Crappy Carl goes on the Giant Drop and SCREAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMS!!! He screams like a chick! In front of all the kids! There was this one eighth grade kid Wiley who was all geeky and sneaky and would just hang at our hip and point out that Crappy Carl has never been on any rides before. Crappy Carl denies this and tells him to f himself because there's no adults around. There's this other kid Maxie (Carl called him Maxi Pad) who reminds me of me because he's chunky and pimply and laughs at everything. LAUGHS and LAUGHS and LAUGHS. Well hearing Carl say the f word to little Wiley made Maxie laugh, so we literally spent the next hour walking around and simply SWEARING. The kids were both dying laughing on the floor and puking up their dairy dots. Crappy Carl was like "yeah man, Big Bird had an affair with Mister Rogers. He gave him the chirpies." And these kids were just crying from laughing. We go on Superman again, and this time the snapshots the employees take at the end reveal that Crappy Carl had his eyes closed, his face was red, and his teeth were gritted.


Crappy Carl however wins the argument. "Kid, your mom s***ked my ****, okay?"

"WHAT?!" Mrs. Aberson says.

We turn around and the fine ass Social Studies teacher is standing there mad as hell.

I start laughing my ass off because there's no way I could get in trouble.

One hour later, Crappy Carl got Mrs. Aberson's phone number. She was even married.

On the bus on the way home, there's confusion because we discover that Ms. Aberson actually counted ME during the head count. The driver is ready to peel off when suddenly he stops COLD and opens the door -- it's this guy Jake. We forgot to pick him up.

"You telling me you would have driven this big motherfudger back?" Jake scolds the driver.


So we're on the way home and I hear little Donald tell his friends "That's what I'm saying -- me and another guy and a girl."

"You gay?" his friend asks.

"No," said Donald. "Me and my buddy doing a chick at the same time."




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