The Comedy Workshop: Summer Vacation Destinations For Plumbers....Warning....May Cause Laughter
The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and all thoughts are on the perfect summer vacation destination. Where do we go to clear our minds, rest our bodies, and get in touch with our inner child? Those are the questions that each of us must answer this summer. We have worked hard for eleven months and now it’s time to PARTY!
However, it occurs to this writer that what may be a perfect summer vacation destination for one person may not be a perfect destination for another. Could it be that our idea of Shangrila differs according to what we do for a living? Does a lawyer have a completely different concept of the perfect vacation from say, a baker, or a truck driver, or perhaps an animal tamer? What is good for the goose may not, in fact, be good for the gander.
With that in mind, follow along as I bring you a series of articles that give suggestions for those who perform different forms of labor. Today we will celebrate the plumbers of the world, those brave men and women who delve into the depths of depravity, who boldly go where no man, or woman, would ever willingly go. They spend their working hours cleaning up the detritus of our lives and Lord knows they deserve a great vacation for the work that they do.
From dawn till dusk they spend their lives knee deep in doo-doo, so when it comes time for a little R & R, they need the perfect vacation destination. Here, then, are some helpful suggestions for those among us who willingly deal with crap so that the rest of us don’t have to.
MUCK CITY, ALABAMA
Located 8.3 miles from beautiful Flat Rock, Alabama, this lovely vacation destination has everything a plumber could hope for. Outhouses abound in this rural, postcard setting, and the nearby farms offer a wide variety of animal muck. What’s your pleasure? Muck City has it all, from pig muck to cow muck, goose muck to horse muck.
And let’s not forget the redneck muck! John Boy, Betty Sue and a host of other colorful characters can always be counted on to drop their britches and muck up the landscape as you drive by, giving you a great taste of local color……color as in drab brown with highlights of yellow and red. Yum!
Nearest airport? There isn’t one! Just drive your John Deere due east from Los Angeles and when the smell becomes unbearable then you have arrived at Muck City. Remember to breathe through your mouth at all times.
Located in the butt end of southern Arkansas (sorry, I couldn’t help myself) this is one smooth location for a plunger-jockey. You might say that Fannie is as smooth as a baby’s butt; then again, you might have more class than this writer and not say that at all.
For conveniences you only need to drive a mere five miles down the road to Talcum Powder, or ten miles further to Two Ply, the County seat and entertainment capitol for the in-crowd. Ewwww!
YELLOW WATER, FLORIDA
One word of warning: Do not visit the Giant Water Slide just outside of town.
Nothing says vacation to a plumber like Yellow Water, Florida. We highly recommend the hot springs community bath located right in the middle of town. Visit with the locals while you relax your body in body-temperature yellow water from which the town got its name.
Rumor has it that the Native Americans who once lived in this area considered this a holy place. Residents will tell you that on many a dark, windy night, the ghost of Chief Sits-While-He-Pees can be seen squatting over the community bath.
You think I’m making this up? Google it and see for yourself!
Yes, Chunky, Mississippi, not to be confused with Slicker-Than-Snot or Smooth-As-Jiff. This is the place where townsfolk annually hold the March of the Constipated Parade and it is a must see for anyone interested in getting a real feel for what Mississippi is all about. Another note of interest about Chunky is that this town has more sales of Vaseline per capita than any other town in the United States.
SQUARE BUTT, MONTANA
To gain a true appreciation for this lovely western city, approach the city limits from below the hill on which it sits; thus you will be looking up at Square Butt and take our word for it, this is a great view.
Square Butt has it all for the plumber badly in need of a vacation. Visit the ever-popular Pimple on the Butt Playhouse and then have a great dinner at Kick in the Butt Roadhouse Grill after the show. Wipe away your cares as you luxuriate in the fine western comfort provided by Big Butt’s B & B, and before you leave make sure you visit the Kiss My Ass Museum.
SANDWICH LANDING, NEW HAMPSHIRE
Look out below!!!! PLOP! Get it? Plumbers?
It is best to visit this New England town on a regular schedule. Regularity is the key to a great visit among the maples and birches. If you are irregular then the Landing will not be a pleasant experience. You could find yourself bloated and in considerable discomfort.
Chow down at Metamucil Café and then rest assured, there will be a very regular and pain-free time at Sandwich Landing.
BLUE BALLS, OHIO
Sorry, you’ll have to provide your own humor for this one. I’m not touching Blue Balls with a ten-foot plumber’s snake.
BEAN STATION, TEXAS
All Aboard! What a perfect destination for a professional plumber! Try the burritos at the Grease Lightning Café; they are guaranteed to give you a hop in your step. Spend the night at the Squeeze Your Cheeks Motel, then spend a great day collecting cow pies on the open range. Just make sure you don’t bend over too fast if your Stetson should blow off.
BIG UGLY, WEST VIRGINIA
Oh, this could easily be the quintessential vacation destination for plumbers. Nothing says plumbing like Big Ugly!
Stroll through Squirt’s Memorial City Park. Take a hike along Stinky Ridge and view the vistas from Big Dump Mountain. This place has it all for any hardcore Draino-chugging practitioner of the plumbing arts.
UNTIL NEXT TIME, KEEP THAT TOILET SEAT DOWN!
We hope you have enjoyed these recommendations. We will continue this series in a few days with our next installment: SUMMER VACATION DESTINATIONS FOR PROCTOLOGISTS.
Thank you so much for reading. Bless all the plumbers of the world. Without you, our lives would be considerably more….shall we say….challenging!
2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)
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