The Comedy Workshop: Summer Vacation Destinations For Proctologists....Warning....May Cause Laughter
Oh, the under-appreciated proctologists! Working so hard, poking and prodding, always looking for love in all the wrong places. This article is for you! We know how tough it is doing what you do! We understand that what you do can in no way be described as appealing. People make jokes at your expense, but where would they be without you? It’s an ugly job but someone has to do it, right?
So we are taking it upon ourselves to help you by suggesting some ideal vacation paradises, places in the United States that are perfectly suited for a man or woman of your skills. We will not stoop so low as to make stupid spelunker jokes. We will not suggest that you visit Mammoth Caves! No, this is a serious article and our sole purpose is to help you find the perfect retreat where the sun does indeed shine, and everything around you will smell fresh and not-butt-like.
Are you ready? Pull your head out and pay attention because what follows is a list of must-see locations for any proctologist in need of a rest.
There is nothing quite like the ever-present haze that descends upon Gassville in the summer. All of those great barbecues of Polish sausages with some baked beans on the side. Stop by Gasworks Park in the center of town and listen to the sweet music of The Butt Tootin’ Boys.
If you should fall in love with Gassville during your visit, you might consider buying some property for a future relocation. Remember that all residences are heated by, you guessed it, natural gas.
Grab your ankles and prepare to be violated by the sights and sounds of Bend, Oregon. This is ski country in the winter, so make sure you bring your skis; try out the new ski run, Greased Lightning, and then after a long day on the slopes stop by the Bend Over And Pray Saloon and try one of their signature drinks, The Brown Stain.
CLAPPER GAP, CALIFORNIA
Nestled between two lovely ridges, Clapper Gap has everything a proctologist could hope for in entertainment. Take the bullet train through a series of dark, damp tunnels, or go visit the ever-popular House of Horrors where grown men have been known to scream like babies. Thrills and chills await you but be forewarned: this ain’t no vacation spot for wimps.
What do you want from me? This is a real town! Make your own jokes because I refuse to stoop so low as to elicit laughs about anuses. Just watch your step as you visit this lovely town, and make sure you have a meal at the Squat and Leave It Café. Nope, no cheap humor from this author!
Little known fact about Snapfinger, Georgia, and that is that all the residents wear vinyl gloves to protect their skin from a strange fungus that grows in these parts. Ewwww! Sanitary stations can be found throughout this quaint rural town. Get all the news from Snapfinger’s award winning newspaper, the Finger Lickin’ Gazette! This is country living as you have never seen it before.
Yes, Accident happens! Drive safely as you wind your way through the maze of back roads, where every nook and cranny offers unbelievable views but deadly consequences for the unsuspecting. Pay attention to warning signs along the road, and be especially careful on the Brown Stain Highway. More than one traveler has lost their lunch on this challenging panoramic drive.
This town is unique in the United States because of its winding, serpentine roads, many of which double back on themselves. They can be tough to travel on; many a gloved stranger has gotten lost in the darkness while snaking along this path. Bring your camera and get some great shots of the black slime that oozes up from the roadside, but whatever you do don’t stop and smell the flora.
You might also want to stop and see the Brown Mounds of the Prairie exhibit five miles outside of town.
If you visit Worms then you just have to have dinner at the Always Hungry Restaurant and Lounge; they have an all-you-can-eat buffet that will leave you coming back for more….and more…and more. Slink and slither your way to the lounge after dinner and toss back a shot of tequila, then head back to the restaurant and start all over again. Just make sure you flush when you are all through.
Worms is also the annual site of the Proctologist Convention. The networking that goes on there is something to behold, and demonstrations are held daily in the Invasion Suite.
BUNLEVEL, NORTH CAROLINA
This is the Number One destination hotspot for any proctologist. There is nothing like being at Bunlevel to really see all the sites of North Carolina. Stop by the Fat Ass Bakery and try some hot buns, some cold buns, some powdery buns and some sticky buns. Smell the wonderful aroma that arises from the bakery each morning, afternoon and evening.
Don’t worry about loving that smell too much and having it becoming habit-forming. That will never happen!
To all of you who are not proctologists, I apologize. This is a cheap attempt at cheap humor and I succumbed to the temptation. Hershey, Pennsylvania, home of Hershey Chocolate, that rich, smooth, deep-brown thick liquid that figuratively screams delicacy to all proctologists. Mix it with nuts for a taste treat straight from heaven. YUM!
BLUE GOOSE, TENNESSEE
What do you get from a proctologist in Alaska? That’s right, the Blue Goose! My apologies to my dear friend TT, but that joke just had to happen.
It’s a little chilly in Blue Goose in the wintertime, so make sure you wear gloves to keep the chill off. Ignore the occasional shrieking from the locals; that’s just good old boys and girls having a little fun while they do the ever-popular Goose Step Waltz. Pucker those cheeks and join in on the fun.
I don’t even know what to say about this vacation destination but I had to add it because it’s in Washington.
You won’t want to miss the Spread Your Cheeks Bar and Grill. Relax in a booth and have a Brown Cow. Talk with friends, sip that delicious concoction and let your worries slip slide away. On the way out of town, stop by the Stinky Finger Casino; lady luck just might be smiling on you.
HAVE A WONDERFUL AND RELAXING VACATION
So here is to the proctologists of the world. Bravo for a job well-done! You go about your daily routines, always BEHIND the scene, boldly going where no man has gone before. We salute you with gloved hands and raised fingers and we hope that one day you will be lucky enough to experience the joy that you give us in your office.
Keep on the lookout for our next in this series….Summer Vacation Destinations For Lawyers.
2012 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)
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