A Bedbug's Guide To New York City

Advice for the Up-And-Coming Cimex Lectularius

New York City is a bedbug's paradise. That's indisputable these days, and we all owe a debt of gratitude to the pioneers of the species who rediscovered the city in recent years. As they established themselves, they bravely paved the way for the current bedbug renaissance. As they drank in success after success, they earned the kind of self-made celebrity that accrues to all unstoppable upstarts.

Now it falls to members of the next generation to keep chasing the bedbug dream and to carry on the legacy. This is where you, young C. Lecturlarius, come in. You are ready, eager, hungry, and definitely on the make. It's your time. The moment is right to dominate the scene in New York City.

Here's some friendly guidance — not that you'll really need much — on where to go, what to do and how to entertain yourself here as a bedbug.

Get Ready For Life in the Limelight

Thanks to the hard work of your recent forbears, you'll find you're instantly recognizable the moment you hitch a ride to New York. You could be homeless and near-starving and yet your mere appearance on a subway platform could still be a major sensation — simply because you're a member of the C. Lectularius clan.

Once you establish a permanent address, there will be attempts to document your every move. Prepare to be ambushed at the dinner table and/or in the middle of the night. Expect the glare of bright lights. Expect cameras. Everyone will want your photo, especially if it's a clear, close-up shot showcasing your petite pucker and the contours of your body. And don't think the paparazzi will stop with stills. There's a market for video detailing your daily habits.

Learn To Be Media Savvy

So as you take New York City, prepare to be in the public eye. You'll be in the papers. You'll be on the evening news. You'll win mentions in the tabloids and gossip columns and, of course, the internet. Don't even bother with a vanity search on Google: it will just be an insane time-suck. Trust me: you will definitely have better things to do with your proboscis.

All this intense publicity, however, comes with a catch: very little of it is likely to be flattering. Much of the coverage will be downright nasty. Even your diet will be scrutinized — including your secretive binge meals.

The reporters tailing you will be biased, forever taking the side of your sustenance source, the human. All the good quotes in these reporters' stories will come from your nemeses, the bedbug exterminators. You won't be given a chance to rebut a thing. But that's okay. You're in this for blood, not a good reputation.

When the going gets tough, don't bother sending fellow bedbugs to spy on Elle or infiltrate Fox News. It won't help. Just take a breather back inside your favorite dark crevice. Stay focused. Stay aloof. Just go about your business. You're going to leave your mark on humanity, make no mistake about it.

Simply keep making your appearances in the right locations (more on this below), and your presence in New York City will be widely known and closely followed, just as if you and your friends were hit reality show characters or actual movie stars.

There's no barrier you can't break. New York may have its exclusive enclaves — the playgrounds of the rich and famous — but not a one is off limits to you.

Books, Movies and Romantic Skyline Views

Like any New York City newcomer, you're likely to want to chart your own course and explore undiscovered neighborhoods. (Hello, Staten Island!) But the time may come when you're unsure about your plans for the evening, and you won't care if the venue is passé. What follows is a list of entertainment venues that have appealed to other bedbugs recently.

Please note: Establishing a new foothold in some of these places may be difficult; the cost of entrance may have increased. (And you certainly can't expect a warm welcome.) But just go, be yourself, and while you're there, pay your respects to the early bedbug pioneers.

Upstage Any Show

• Venue: AMC Empire 25
• Why it's hot: The movie theater offers Hollywood flicks in 3D and stadium seating.
• Last popular with bedbugs: August 2010
• Source: Gothamist

Take The Bite To New Heights

• Venue: Empire State Building
• Why it's hot: On a clear day, the views from the top of this iconic skyscraper are amazing.
  
• Last popular with bedbugs: August 2010, but only in the basement
• Source: Daily News

Boldly Go Where Only Two Bedbugs Have Gone Before

• Venue: New York Public Library Mid-Manhattan Branch
• Why it's hot: Free entertainment at its best — more books than any bug could ever read.
• Last popular with bedbugs: Briefly home to a duo of bedbugs in August 2010
• Source: WPIX

Bedbugs: Did you find the map helpful?

Check back soon for tips on New York City shopping, dining and career advancement — all done bedbug-style.

Humans: What do you have to say to the bedbugs moving into your city? Comments welcome!