I'd like feedback on my Hub: ''I just want to be a child ' s toy and not more th

1. 54

   poonamchatterjeeposted 7 years ago

   Hi Hubbers,
   
   I'd like some help with passing the Quality Assessment Process. Will you please give feedback on my Hub ''I just want to be a child ' s toy and not more than that ''- Barbie. (must be signed in to view). What can I do to improve? Thanks!

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   1. 98

      theraggededgeposted 7 years agoin reply to this

      This hub needs a lot of work to make it presentable enough to pass QAP.
      
      The title is badly written and formatted, as well as being too long.
      Your English isn't so bad, but your punctuation is all over the place.
      The hub is in the wrong category - it's not really about baby toys, it's about gender stereotyping.
      
      Your first paragraph:
      
      It almost looked like a child's play with toys placed in different corners of the room. The room is a large one with all the other employees from toy factory really busy in packing the toys one after the other.The toy specialists checking the toys carefully to get it exported the very next day. Out of a very darkened room, we see a girl in a perfect ponytail wearing a sweat pink jacket speaking to a boy more dressed as a Superhero. It was a less a conversation and more of an argument, though.
      
      My version
      
      It looks almost like a child's playroom with toys placed in every corner. It's a large room where employees are busily packing toys one after the other. The quality control inspectors are checking the toys carefully prior to export the next day. In a nearby darkened room a girl wearing a ponytail, all dressed in pink faces a boy dressed as a superhero. They're arguing.
      
      I'm already confused: the setting is a factory so what are those kids doing there? Are they supposed to be dolls? Why does the room have to be dark?
      
      Have a good think about whether this is the best way to present your argument. Your reader needs to know in the first few sentences what your article is about. Are you writing it as an opinion piece or a critical dissection of people's insistence on pink for girls, blue for boys?
      
      Make your images are not copyright. You can't take images off a Google search unless you can establish that they are legal for you to use.
      
      Hope that helps

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      1. 54

         poonamchatterjeeposted 7 years agoin reply to this

         Thank you so much . I would keep in mind about the points and work on it.

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