Ashley The Bachelorette: Straight Roasted

Nothing says romance like a flash mob…in Glendale.

Ashley took adorably nerdy Ben C to a dance studio to teach him a little routine. Little did he know that he was preparing himself for his own public humiliation.

The most impressive thing about Ben is his inability to say no, even when she asks him to do the most ridiculous things---like dance at a mall with no music. I’ve never witnessed someone be so relieved to be caught in the middle of a flash mob. She rewarded him by climbing him like a monkey. Is he like 6’8”?

The low point was when Ben said, “Why not literally blow up the roof and say the sky is the limit?” in reference to love. It’s disturbing that someone with a law degree could abuse the word “literally” like that. Then again, this is the same fool who used the word “emoticon” on a date. Sigh.

Did I mention that he’s a bit of a nerd?

You know what sounds like a great idea? Let’s have a date where 8 dudes make fun of the most insecure girl in the world! What could go wrong?

For some odd reason, Ashley saw this roast as an opportunity to learn about the guys. Learn what? Who can make the least funny joke about her membership in the Itty Bitty Titty Committee?

Everyone was up in arms over William’s not-so-nice comments about wishing Ashley was Emily (even though we’re all thinking it), but the really disturbing part was how blaringly obvious it is that William is totally there to promote his imaginary stand-up career. Why is everyone ignoring the fact that he’s a fame whore? And not a very funny one at that…

At the after-party, William chose to run away from Ashley and told her to get one of the other guys to comfort her. So if she ends up with him, she better have a back-up boyfriend to cry to whenever William’s immaturity shines through.

Good thing Ryan was there to save the day (although Ashley only wanted to give credit to Bentley). Insecure girls only need to hear that they’re pretty and the sun will shine again. Duh. Human Sexuality 101. In her one moment of clarity, Ashley gave Ryan the date rose. There’s hope for her yet!

Lucky for William, the most awkward part of the episode was watching Ashley cry to Bentley about disappointing everyone by not being Emily. She definitely created this perfect persona of Bentley in her head and stopped paying attention to his words and actions.

In a hilarious twist, The Masked Moron turned out to be Bentley’s pseudo-confidant. As B was packing his bag of lies, ol’ Masky wandered in and in the most rehearsed-sounding way asked what was going on. Later, we got to see them spend quality time together in the bathroom. Isn’t bromance adorable?

When Bentley decided enough was enough, he went to Ashley’s house armed with an Oscar-worthy speech about missing his kid. He could have said directly to her face, “I don’t like your huge gorilla butt” and she would have begged him to stay. Silly girls always gravitate to the biggest asshole in the room, thus giving us all a bad rap.

Ashley confronted Bentley about the accusations made by Michelle Money (the most trusted name in all of Bachelor history). Bentley didn’t even put a poker face on when she said he was just there to promote his business. She caught him with his hand in the cookie jar, with chocolate all over his face, and then believed he didn’t take the cookies. The whole thing was humiliating because Ashley couldn’t stop talking about how she was ready to run off to Utah with Bentley rather than stay there with guys who actually like her. Uncomfortable.

Bentley was trying not to laugh when he was hugging her goodbye. Good thing she’s a whole head shorter than him so she couldn’t see his face. She topped it off by telling him that he has her heart. Cringe.

The whole thing was so humiliating, it made me want to sell my belongings and move to an island where reality TV doesn’t exist.

There’s nothing to say about the date with JP other than that it was completely unfair to him. Ashley should have cancelled it or pushed it back. She basically went on a first date with a stranger and cried about her ex the entire time. If this wasn’t a TV show, he would have excused himself at the dinner table and never come back (if he had any sense).

I was physically exhausted by the last half hour of the episode. Between being embarrassed for Ashley and wanting to slap her in the face, I was ready for a nap.

Then Chris Harrison showed up and made it all better. Ashley was busy still crying over some dude she only knew for 5 minutes but was magically in love with, when Chris ever-so-gently broke it to her that Bentley was just not that into her. Someone give that guy an Emmy!

In a fitting end to the episode, Phantom of the Opera was sent home, but not before taking a moment to dramatically throw his famed mask in the fire. Idiot, he could have sold that for some cash on Ebay! What a sad little nerd.

“When I love, I love hard.”-Ashley (Graphic!)

“If you can make a woman laugh at herself, you can make her do anything.”-Jeffrey Ross

“I’m juiced”-JP

West

JP

Ryan

Ben C

Ryan

JP

Constantine

West

Mickey

Ben F

Blake

Nick

Ames

Lucas

William