imatellmuva's Conventional and Not-So-Conventional Rules for Daily Living

I like to think of rules as a cross between good and evil. It’s good to follow them, but if you don’t, you have to bear the consequences. In some cases it's not bad; in other cases, it can prove detrimental! Rules are guidelines; they give you something to go by. Rules help you to stay the course. You have to know if or how far you can step outside the boundary of the rule.

I’ve created a modified list of Conventional and Not-So-Conventional Rules for Daily Living that I strongly urge you to consider. These rules will in some way help to ease daily living, simplify what proves to be tiresome and challenging, and possibly improve your quality of life.

It is not imatellmuva’s position to offend, but to educate…no matter who you are…let us begin!

imatellmuva
imatellmuva
SOMMAI
SOMMAI | Source


1. Don’t expect a fresh meal the day after spaghetti is made…or the day after for that matter! It is an unwritten rule that once a large pot of spaghetti is made, that’s what the crap you’ll be eating for days to come…PERIOD!

2. Scrimp is defined as being thrifty, frugal...economical. Scrimp IS NOT seafood!!! A SHRIMP is a crustacean, it is what you enjoy steamed, fried, grilled, etc. Learn the difference between the two, so that I, and others can stop cringing when we overhear you say, "Dem' scrimps was good!"

3. Check for paper before you rest your hind-parts on a toilet seat! The person nearby (if a public facility) may not spare a square, and the person at home might remember how you dogged them out the night before! Lesson - Look before you SEAT!

4. Do not become frustrated and attack the toilet paper roll when you can’t unseal the tightly bound starter sheet! The sheets you waste can be your saving grace when you’re in need of paper. Remember that!

5. Unwritten Social Media Rule – Type/Read/Delete! Try it! This will save you embarrassment and tons of explanations for your dumb crap posts! Remember, people who read your posts are not responsible for deciphering what you mean from what you say! AND absolutely NO DWP…Drinking While Posting! Got It?! Good!

scottchan
scottchan | Source

 

6. When taking your pet for a walk, take a bag or something to scoop up the poop! Dog crap on the bottom of your shoe is of course never good! Remember, this can happen to YOU too!

7. DO NOT under any circumstances lend advice (like in this hub) unless you have had the experience and the wisdom to back up what you claim! Yes I have stepped in dog crap! Onto #8!

8. Women; do not publicly eat anything with a cylindrical shape! This includes, but is not limited to Corn Dogs, Kosher Dill Pickles, and Bananas! You can thank me for this some other time!

9. Buy clothes that fit! This will cease the muffin top from sprouting over your waist line, and WILL in turn keep us from wanting to gouge our eyes out!

10. Know when to stand up, put up, or shut up. This has kept imatellmuva out of trouble…most times! I did not say that this list was absolute! Keep reading!

Stuart Miles
Stuart Miles | Source


11. DO NOT lie to your children! When my son was five, he actually asked what makes the sky blue. I told him some made up crap, and when he got older he started look’n at me side-eyed! I’m going tell him the truth…one of these days…onto #12!

12. DO NOT lie to a bill collector and tell them that the check is in the mail! These days, that crap clears your account quicker than a perm straightens your hair! Can you say…electronic processing?!

13. Speak in a regular tone when engaged in a cell phone call. The person on the other end of the call can hear you...we can too...and we don't want to!

14. Learn to run, jump, dance and more in spike heels! One day imatellmuva walked in on an armed robbery! She was able to put those spikes in gear, and haul booty up out of that place!

15. Learn how to have an intelligent and informed conversation with a counterpart that may be considered out of your league. One thing imatellmuva has learned is, that while experience is the best teacher, arming yourself with need to know information can be as fruitful as the experience that you don’t have.

Rawich
Rawich | Source


16. Connect with a senior! You are never too old to have someone who you can turn to and look up to for advice, and wisdom. While tertiary education is certainly a commodity and a privilege for many, it is exceptional when coupled with home spun wisdom! Anyone who knows imatellmuva well; knows how she loves her seniors!!

17. If you are a child; DO NOT play Chicken! Chicken is an insane game where children dart into the street as an oncoming vehicle approaches! While we are aware that rec centers and community centers have closed in your neighborhood; WE motorists, beg of you to take up a passive activity! The life YOU save might be your own!

18. Do not put all of your eggs in one basket! The current economic climate could mean that you’re down to one freak’n basket! If you put your eggs in that one basket, not only are they liable to break, but they have the potential to damage other goods that are in that same basket! If this does not make sense to you…please refer to rule #5!

19. When you create a hub with a list of rules, be sure to fill the entire list with usable information! Don’t start making crap up by the time you get to rule #19! Onto #20!

20. Whew…I’m almost at rule #21!

21. **BONUS** Be true to yourself, and especially to your audience. While this list is compiled with what I think is resourceful information; you may think otherwise, and that’s okay. Rule #19, #20, and all the others is truly in imatellmuva fashion.There is somebody, or a heap of somebody’s who think like I; so, this list of rules is for them…and you too, if ever you should become one of them…whoever they are!

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Comments 26 comments

justateacher profile image

justateacher 4 years ago from Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Near Oz...

Love this list! Might have to post it on the fridge!


AuntDarlene 4 years ago

Screaming and hollering laughing. And might I add the name of the distinguished hospital is JohnS HopkinS not Jon Hockins. Thank you, an auntie is proud of your writing.


DeborahNeyens profile image

DeborahNeyens 4 years ago from Iowa

Great advice! Plus you made me laugh out loud several times. Thanks.


imatellmuva profile image

imatellmuva 4 years ago from Somewhere in Baltimore Author

@justateacher..I've been gone for a minute, but the wheels are always turning! I did say I was unconventional!! Thank you for your comment!!

@Aunt Darlene, I almost always want to correct people no matter who they are, or where I am! While I recognize that what is considered standard english is not embraced by some folk, it is like a rule...something to go by!

Jon Hockins, Rite-Aids, and Giants (Supermarket) are also pet-peeves! Thank you for leaving a comment, and as always thank you for supporting a Muva!!

@DeborahNeyens, My life is almost always LOL! It is only fitting to incorporate the same into my writing...besides, I can't help it! Thank You for the comment!


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 4 years ago from California Gold Country

Great rules-- except the one about connecting with senior. I know very few people who are older than me, but I will try to remember to not to ever order scrimp shrampi.


imatellmuva profile image

imatellmuva 4 years ago from Somewhere in Baltimore Author

Rochelle Frank, I do understand. I remember when my Grandmother was 99, it delighted her to say that she was the youngest of those in her circle...there was only one other! Not suggesting that you are anywhere near that age...I'm just using that as an example...I'm gonna shut-up!

Thank You for being mindful of the use of the word scrimp, verses shrimp...imatellmuva can only take but so much!!

FUNNY...scrimp shrampi!!! How original!!


Cyndi10 profile image

Cyndi10 4 years ago from Georgia

This is priceless! What a list. I could have written it, but, alas, I wasn't clever enough. LOL. I enjoyed this thoroughly. Vote up and funny, very funny!


imatellmuva profile image

imatellmuva 4 years ago from Somewhere in Baltimore Author

Cyndi10, I thank you for your kind words! If ever you were a fly on the wall watching my life, you would say a lil' fly prayer..."Lawd, PLEASE help that chile'!"


KALIFAH 4 years ago

BRAVA!!! You are the voice in my head (when the 5-yr old is asleep). This is awesome, informative and humorous. You know I am going to pass this along...I know quite a few folks who can use quite a few of these rules.

Love your Spirit - ? ?


imatellmuva profile image

imatellmuva 4 years ago from Somewhere in Baltimore Author

Thanks "K"! You know me well enough to know that I bring out the crazy in almost all that I do!

It is an unfortunate fact that the crazy I experience is oh so, ever so true!!

Thank you for the share...you're AWESOME!!!


The Last Born Child 4 years ago

#3.... The most important rule of all. You don't wanna end up havin to use your sock for toilet paper. (That's rule #22)


imatellmuva profile image

imatellmuva 4 years ago from Somewhere in Baltimore Author

Oh MY Last Born...I never thought of that...but you do what you have to...right?!

I WILL tell you that I've been that person on the other-side of the bathroom door...the side where all the tp is! I didn't hand over a roll and that person sat there for what seemed like hours....and then I remembered my GOOD towels were in the bathroom!!!


DropaJewel 4 years ago

Great post Mom!


imatellmuva profile image

imatellmuva 4 years ago from Somewhere in Baltimore Author

Thanks Baby Girl...you didn't know you're Muva was C-R-A-Z-Y!!!


drbj profile image

drbj 4 years ago from south Florida

You are as crazy as a Foxx, Ima. Loved your rules. I would add one more which helps me to survive: Make humor a permanent part of your life. He or she who laughs ... lasts! Trust me.


imatellmuva profile image

imatellmuva 4 years ago from Somewhere in Baltimore Author

Thanks drbj! When I started on HubPages, my humor would wind it's way into everything I wrote (except one hub). I do enjoy it, and I am grateful that you do as well...I truly am!


Amarie 1 4 years ago

Funny stuff cousin o' mine. 'Eep up the funny work.


imatellmuva profile image

imatellmuva 4 years ago from Somewhere in Baltimore Author

Thanks Amarie 1, It gets better with time...at least I think so...I hope so!


SilentReed profile image

SilentReed 4 years ago from Philippines

I like your lighthearted way of writing. Your sense of humor peeking behind a serious mien. A Tom Sawyer sitting on a barrel kind of homespun advice. Very entertaining. I suspect some of these were glean from wise advice of your "Muva" :) BTW, what happen to #20? :)


imatellmuva profile image

imatellmuva 4 years ago from Somewhere in Baltimore Author

Actually my wit and wisdom was gleaned from my GrandMuva. She was a remarkable lady to me who was full of the same. It is because of her that I'm CRAZY!!

Rule #20 may or may not have had something to do with rule #5...the Muva (I'm called Muva for short) was enyoying a cocktail as she was writing!


Dolores Monet profile image

Dolores Monet 4 years ago from East Coast, United States

Well hello Ima! I enjoyed your rules! Do kids really play chicken like that - how awful! Anyway, in that picture of you up there, are you eating at Jimmy's in Fell's Point?


imatellmuva profile image

imatellmuva 4 years ago from Somewhere in Baltimore Author

Hey "D"..what's shaking home girl?!

Yes, kids play that dumb crap game...makes me nervous! It's actually been around since I was a child...not the kind of game that should carry to the next generation!

Ah...Jimmy's, yes indeed...yes indeed, I am at Jimmy's!!! One of these days, I'll try something different. I've been stuck on the 10 oz. steak and eggs breakfast for years!!


Dolores Monet profile image

Dolores Monet 4 years ago from East Coast, United States

Oh I love Jimmy's though it's lost some of the ambiance since the new people took over. I remember they used to have a large round table in back reserved for Mayor Shaefer (though I guess that would now be pointless).


imatellmuva profile image

imatellmuva 4 years ago from Somewhere in Baltimore Author

I never knew Jimmy's was under new management. The steak and egg platter didn't change...I'm good!!

I do remember the round table...I think it's still there. It should really be MY table now!!


Kelvin 3 years ago

About #13 ...

On a regular phone, you can hear your voice through the handset. On a cellphone, you can't. So that's why people talk louder, because they're not assured the phone is working in the same way they would on a regular phone.


imatellmuva profile image

imatellmuva 3 years ago from Somewhere in Baltimore Author

Right...I understand that...and still I want them to...need them to turn it down. We don't have to hear what we say...we only need to know that the other party hears us.

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