Getting to Love the Way my Mom Hates Me

I failed in my mission of being born

My mother loves me, but doesn't like me much. She did love my father, more like obsessed with him. He loved her in return, yes, but he could not put up with her stalker/obsessive ways.

They both were too young to deal with true love anyhow. I know I'm rambling but such goes my mind trying to put together pieces of memories of stories that I never witnessed.

My mother was 15 years of age when she first met my dad. My daddy is quite a handsome man. Soft spoken, gentle, kind and intelligent. Ladies were a plenty for him.

Not that my mother wasn't a looker. She used to be a ballerina and studied in fine private schools. My grandmother was a seamstress, it took much effort from her to finance my mother's education. My mother was indeed a spoiled child, the last of my grandma's offspring. My grandmother always wanted to have a black daughter so, when my mother was born, she just spoiled her rotten.

My mother grew up getting whatever she wanted; and now she wanted my dad. He liked her but he cherished his personal space more... He ended up leaving her to marry some other woman.

When my mother heard the rumors that my dad was fading out, she managed to see him one last time. A couple of months later she was pregnant. She told him this hoping he would do "the right thing", but he kept on with his wedding plans. So I came to this world failing in my mission to have my daddy come back to his true love. A disappointment was born.

I write this not expecting pity, but to help me clarify some issues of my past and how they explain my current relationship with my mother.

Although I had a happy childhood, ah! how is one to know? My mother beat me often. Anything was a good discipline tool: sticks, wires, belts, phone hooks... she once had me kneel on the grater so long it stuck to my knees when I stood up. I was seven.

Back then we lived in an apartment located on the eleventh floor. I was alone in the apartment, as I usually have been alone since the age of four. When I was four we lived in New York, in the Bronx. She would leave mid morning and urged me not to open the door to anybody. I thought she was going to work. But last week, as I was talking to my stepdad about it, he told me that she never worked while in New York, that is the first time in all these years he learned my mother left me alone back then, and that of course he had no idea where she went on a daily basis.

At seven years of age I took my small blackboard and wrote a suicidal note. I wrote about how I was sorry to be a burden to her. I don't remember it all. I do remember then looking down to the parking lot. I was scared of that quick trip down, so I erased the note. To this day, my mother doesn't know I tried to kill myself at the age of seven.

Violence cycle

I've always kept a diary. When I was fifteen I drew a cycle of my mom's behavior. It was the cycle of abuse. At age fifteen I realized that I was a victim of child abuse.

I know it sounds horrible. Would you believe if I tell you it wasn't all that bad? Well, if I had it coming she was going to spank me silly. But if I behaved everything was sweet. I had good holidays, better birthdays and there was always food on the table. My mother taught me to read at age three. I started going to kindergarten at age four. I started college at age sixteen.

She would always cut my hair very short though. I always went to school with a short afro. Now that I have my daughter (and she has this mane of hair) I wonder if my mother cut my hair so short so she didn't have to deal with it. The way she kept this certain emotional distance from me, made me look for internal resources. Those were reading and writing.

On the other hand, we always had long conversations, she would talk to me a lot. What went wrong?

Ah! yes... She started going to relatives and friends to spill the beans about me. This started when my first husband left me. My mother, even though he left me for another woman, sided with him. This was very awkward. She would spend evenings at his house and eat with them even though they lived across town. I lived closer to her, and she would go visit them. She went to their wedding, which she told me the other day. Why does she need to tell me?

When I remarried in 1999, she told my cousin that my new husband looked like a monkey. She doesn't know that I know this. Why does she have to talk like this? Toxic personality on top of abusive?

Enough

We would have these horrible arguments to the top of our lungs. Sad family scenes. Everybody be telling me that I need to concede because I am the daughter and one day I am going to repent when she dies with all this drama going on. I tell them I find is very unfair that I have to put up with this backstabbing.

You see, until recently, I never bothered to deny any of the things she would go around telling about me. I thought that, since none of them pay my mortgage, I could care less if they believe her or not.

But I'm human you know... it finally got to me. So I plain told her one day that it was not possible that she and I could have a relation because of her persistence in talking behind my back things that are not true.

She responded that she needs to let some steam out somewhere...

"Steam about what? What have I done to you?"

She will not give me a straight answer. I know the answer is because had she known my father wasn't going to come to her for her being pregnant, she wouldn't have had that baby...

I don't tell her this, what's the point? But I do let her know that I demand distance from her, although we'd remain in speaking terms. I love her, but I don't trust her.

How do you cope?

Well, here's the thing... We all have our skeletons in the closet, our demons if you will... our gruesome stories. I mean, if you don't, I'm grateful for you. But is all part of life.

Black and white has nothing to do with it. That is why I insist that knowing the truth is not of the essence, but living life to the fullest is.

I call her every so often and we'd be on the phone for almost an hour. She is a very intelligent woman, very energetic. She has many life projects. Like finishing her Master degree in Psychology and opening a new business. If she finishes her projects or not it doesn't really matter. What matters is that she's busy, and has new acquaintances, new friends.

If I feel that the call wasn't too amicable, I take a breather... and so on. She spends time with her grandchildren, and my older son calls her.

I think the mental health industry came up with the term dysfunctional to sell us on to something new. We are all dysfunctional, is called being human. We all have our lunatic pops and crazy joes, and that is ok. What I find pretty odd is to try and go through life ignoring these kind of issues. I'm not saying deal with them cold feet or take them lightly... I'm saying embrace them as part of you, the good, the bad and the ugly.

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Comments 27 comments

cloudrider profile image

cloudrider 5 years ago from Dallas, Tx

Great therapy writing. You know some people are monsters when they are young and then you see them when they are old and with a cane and you say poor old man I will give him another chance. When you least expect it there goes the jab... Some people no matter how old they are just never change... They will hurt you when you let them... I am so glad you realized to understand that instead of taking what you heard and the actions that were taken against you to heart. Best of Luck to you ....


CrazyGata profile image

CrazyGata 5 years ago from Puerto Rico Author

I deeply thank you for your reassurance and for taking the time to post. Stay blessed.


Nera Woods profile image

Nera Woods 5 years ago

You write very well. So touched by this. One good thing that came out of this is that you've become analytic, reflective, and with this usually is kindness and understanding for other people... because they might be going through or might have risen out from similar struggles.

That moment when you were seven, I believe, there was an angel hovering above you, and asking you to move back to the safety of your room. Best regards.


SlyMJ profile image

SlyMJ 5 years ago

Another interesting insight - in this case into, as you say, a dysfunctional family. I have noticed how some mothers consider themselves martyrs and regard their children as burdens


CrazyGata profile image

CrazyGata 5 years ago from Puerto Rico Author

Nera Woods, thank you very much for sharing your feelings in this regard. I never thought of it that way, an angel pulling me back...

SlyMJ, very glad that you enjoyed this one as well... It's a great feeling to be able to reach out and touch through one's postings. And yes, about being a burden, well, is a thought that I sometimes can't shake out of my head, especially when I see how precious my children are to me. Thank you!


Hecky 4 years ago

Wao...That's all I have to say...we were all so young and naive that everything seemed perfect in our little corner of RG...I'm glad you have grown to be a intelligent, compasive and strong woman...


CrazyGata profile image

CrazyGata 4 years ago from Puerto Rico Author

Yes... walls served for more than to protect us from the outside, but to hide what is inside... :) It's ok... I always say that some were born without a leg or an arm... I got my mom! hahahaha!!! Thank for reading and posting!


Sad Daughter 4 years ago

I have not spoken to my mother for over 2 months now. I feel that it is best for me if we live separate lives. i have loved her my whole life, tried to connect with her and forgive her for hurting me and everyone around her. Im 36 years old. she turned 60 2 days ago, i acknowledged that by sending her money. nothing more. every time i forgive is like a new oppotunity for her to start planning her next move to hurt me. when i was a child (7 or 8) she choked me, she used to leave me alone when my granny travelled. i was gifted academically but she didnt go and extra mile to nurture or encourage me, i relied on my granny and inner strength to motivate me. I bought her a house and she refused it. while studdying full time myself i put my younger sister through school, all the way to tertiary. my mother told the community behind my back she is the one paying for my sister's education. when i gave birth to my son she never came to be with me, i was single and in the middle of finishing my PhD. 3 months later i paid for flights for her to attend my graduation, she threw a tantrum at my house and threatened not to attend the graduation. my granny begged her to do so. years later she threw tantrums at my wedding, embarrassed me in front of family, friends and my in laws when at the 2nd leg of my wedding. she threatened to tell my son my husband is not his father (he was only a year old when i met my husband so he has no idea), just because my husband refused to take calls from her. we forgave her and then she circumsized my son without our permission, i still have a chill down my spine when i recall this one. my son to this day refuses to visit her anymore. still i gave her another chance, 3 months later we had birthday lunch my granny, her own mother, she sulked the whole afternoon and the next day she threatened to commit suicide. still the family bends over to accomodate her, myself included. 5 months ago i gave birth to my daughter, she only came to see us more than a month later, after calling me to say she wont come coz she has a broken finger coz a car door slammed on it. In March my sister graduated, 2 days after the graduation she threw yet another tantrum, packed her bags and said she was going back to her house. both my sister and i did not stop her... she didnt leave but stayed outside in my yard and refused to come inside the house. she left the next day i have not spoken to her since. i dont want to give her another opportunity to hurt me in anyway. I do think she is not well perhaps, perhaps she suffered from hormonal imbalance her whole life and meno pause now. regardless it hurts. a part of me feel guilty for cutting her out.. afterall she did carry me for 9 months...


CrazyGata profile image

CrazyGata 4 years ago from Puerto Rico Author

If all she had done for you was to carry you for nine months I sincerely think you have more than overpaid her for the burden. I went to visit my mom this last Mother's Day with my children. I sat in the balcony, mu children went to her room to watch TV. In the balcony she tells me what am I doing there, visiting her for what...

I go get the children. She tells them no one is telling me to leave... That went on like that plus, according to her I am addicted to crack, which is obvious due to I was wearing a dirty shirt.

She demanded I not call her nor visit again and let my children decide if they ever want to visit her in the future... My children are 11 and 8... Had to finally come clean with them to let them know my mother and I just don't see eye to eye... I don't think they got it. I am glad they don't really get it.

Let's do this... I fire your mother for lousy services rendered, and you fire mine for failure to comply with her duties. Keep your chin up and thanks for sharing...

Most like to hear that a mother is the best thing in the world... Well, some people eat well and others starve...


Sad Daughter 4 years ago

Thanks for response... since finding your story and others i dont feel crazy or alone in this. True most with good mothers dont understand what we go through. On mothers day last month i posted a dedication to likes of you and me on facebook, coz everyone else was celebrating their mothers, thats the first time i wondered if there are people like me out there who suffer in silence.


CrazyGata profile image

CrazyGata 4 years ago from Puerto Rico Author

There is a book... http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hur...

And we shouldn't be silent. We havenĀ“t done no harm. Anybody falls and hurts, and cries... Why do we need to hold our breath our whole life?

If we feel like screaming, we should. Crazy should be pretending everything is OK when is not.


cmcarter724 profile image

cmcarter724 3 years ago from North America

I really liked reading your blog. The truth will set you free! I always thought that myself with the words "normal" and "dysfunctional" were are all human and we are all prone to this. nothing abnormal about it in my opinion and I have a degree in psychology. I am glad things worked out for you.


CrazyGata profile image

CrazyGata 3 years ago from Puerto Rico Author

Thank you very much for kind comments and I appreciate you enjoyed the reading, this was sure some therapy for me.


LongTimeMother profile image

LongTimeMother 3 years ago from Australia

I didn't speak to my mother for years. I lived interstate and often overseas. Towards the end of her life, she changed and I spent more time speaking with her on the telephone. I flew to her city and visited when she was in hospital.

My father is still alive. I have seen him three times in 38 years, and spoken to him on the phone twice. The last time was about 20 years ago.

Does that make me a bad daughter? Maybe.

But it doesn't stop me from being a good mother. My adult kids call me at least once a week, even though they live in different parts of the country. Yay!

This is an awesome hub. Comes a time when you're allowed to walk away and lead your own life.

Voted up.


CrazyGata profile image

CrazyGata 3 years ago from Puerto Rico Author

Too true. Thing about true is that is seldom pretty. Thank you for your comment and for your reassurance.


CrazyGata profile image

CrazyGata 3 years ago from Puerto Rico Author

There is nothing bad about being human.


bydojo profile image

bydojo 3 years ago from Romania

I am shocked to read your stories. I'm probably better off living with my dad only. Such people don't deserve your love and forgiveness. I cannot imagine how a mother can act like this. You were all STRONG and were able to accomplish so many things, keep your heads high, you deserve all the happiness in the world. As for your mothers ...


savvydating profile image

savvydating 3 years ago

A beautifully conveyed true story. I am sorry that so many children have to suffer due to self centered parents. Truly, it amazes me how many clueless parents exist in the world. The miracle is that people keep trying to live and believe in something... which brings me to your statement, "I'm saying embrace them as part of you, the good, the bad and the ugly." Indeed, we are all of those things, and we needn't beat ourselves up over these dichotomies within ourselves and within others.

In one of my hubs, I wrote about a young anorexic woman whose mother never truly supplied the nurturing the young woman needed. One day her therapist asked, "Why are you trying to get milk from Lowes? In other words, Lowes does not carry milk. If Lowes wants to carry milk one day, that's there business. But if we need milk, we'd best go somewhere else to get it. I think you are doing all the right things. You are in touch with your mother, but you see that she doesn't have the "milk" you need. When she isn't nice, you back off. You've also confronted her. There isn't much else you can do. It is she who needs to do something. Meanwhile, you are moving forward with your life. Congratulations.

Voting up.


Codebreak profile image

Codebreak 3 years ago from Erwin, TN

Love this is article. Good to know you arent the only one with mommy issues and yes. Toxic people need to be cut off your life. NO matter how close they are to you. I live by this and I can truely say I'm so happy and fortune to have done so.


MJennifer profile image

MJennifer 3 years ago from Arizona

This was such a poignant hub, and you are courageous for telling it like it is. I love that you still love your mother, and that you are so aware of the human condition: that we are all flawed somehow, and yet remain human. Beautifully done ... and, more importantly, beautifully lived.


Dilania 3 years ago

Wow, awesome post! Thank you for sharing. You are very strong and insightful. I have mommy issues and can relate so much! I love the way you ended this post reminding us to embrace all of who we are. loved it!


CrazyGata profile image

CrazyGata 3 years ago from Puerto Rico Author

I humbly appreciate all of your comments... One of the reasons I wrote it was to reach out to others going through the same situation... A battered wife is not guilty of being victim of domestic violence, yet society defines as almost sinful to go out in the open and expose and undeserved childhood. Thank you all again, stay blessed, chin up for all of us.


rose-the planner profile image

rose-the planner 3 years ago from Toronto, Ontario-Canada

Your story was very moving. It is beyond my comprehension as to why some parents make their innocent children suffer because of their own misery and mistakes. There are so many wonderful childless people out there who would love the opportunity of raising a beautiful child. It saddens me when some people are blessed with children and all they do is make their lives a living hell. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am glad that you find healing through your written words.


Ebonny profile image

Ebonny 3 years ago from UK

Your insight gives so much food for thought. For some it will inspire them to count their blessings and for others it could help them come to terms with their plight and move forward. Thank you for sharing your story.


msmelrichard profile image

msmelrichard 3 years ago from Charlotte, NC

I had a similar childhood, except the mindblowing part is that I was adopted. Why ADOPT a child to treat her like that?! It was so confusing and scary, and I carried feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem well into my adulthood. I honestly think the thing that pulled me up and out was having children of my own and raising them in a loving, nurturing environment completely unlike that of my mother. In her own way, she made me a great mother- by doing the complete opposite of what she "would" do in any situation. She's not a part of our lives now except to occasionally mail the kids presents for birthdays or holidays (which I feel is more to assuage her own guilt than anything else...she makes zero effort to have a relationship with her grandchildren...I guess since they're not biological it "doesn't count"). Oh well. Her loss. My children are amazing human beings and they've got plenty of other relatives and friends of mine who nurture and love them. I'd much rather them be surrounded by loving people who are not related than cold-hearted people who are.

Stay strong, and thank you for sharing!!


billybuc profile image

billybuc 2 years ago from Olympia, WA

Articles like this one are vitally important. I have always believed that the number one job of a writer is to relate to his/her readers, and have them relate to the writer. We reach people...we share stories....we share experiences, and we learn from each other. This is what humans do, and we, as writers, are the chroniclers of our age. Beautifully written.


CrazyGata profile image

CrazyGata 2 years ago from Puerto Rico Author

Thank you very much Billy. Of all the articles... :) Oh, you are so right! Is a tough job but someone has to do it!

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