Need honest feedback for my hubs

1. 0

   Lybrahposted 11 years ago

   If anyone is interested in reading some good short stories, I could use some good feedback.  Read my stories and post a comment!  Thanks!
   
   Lybrah

   replyreport
   1. 49

      Mohammed Katzposted 11 years agoin reply to this

      No problem. I'll check them out in my free time.

      replyreport
      1. 0

         Lybrahposted 11 years agoin reply to this

         Thanks!

         replyreport
2. 83

   psycheskinnerposted 11 years ago

   You write well. Most of your topics don't seem very commercial to me.  But, time will tell. Be careful to use copyright free pictures.

   replyreport
3. 92

   HoneyBBposted 11 years ago

   I thought "Voices" was well written and interesting; however, I think it would feel more real to the reader if you "show" instead of "tell." For example: Instead of telling me: "She had just received her license, after failing her driving test two times" and "Jacinda Rose Haven, who died last year in a hit and run car accident." I think it would feel more real if it went something like: Jacinda's long, brown ponytail bobbed from side to side as she bounced out of the DMV waving her driver's license. "Third time's a charm!" She yelled as she opened my door. "I'm driving!" I laughed at her excitement and went over to the passenger side. "Congrats!" I smiled. "I was beginning to wonder if you'd ever pass!" We pulled out of the parking lot in my fire engine red GTO and away we went. "Let's stop at Sophie's for lunch; I'm starving," I said. And before she could answer the car jerked. Her face smashed against the driver's side window and coins flew around as if they had wings, smashing into my face and the shattered window in front of me. As the car began rolling I tried to sit up straight. "What's happening?" I wondered. "Why aren't we going forward?" The car finally came to a halt and silence followed, but Jacinda was no longer next to me. Twisted metal and red paint took her place. Dozens of people came running toward me...screaming...pointing. A stocky, tattooed man pulled me out of the car. "Are you alright?" He asked. Some woman pointed down the road. "That man took off; he ran the red light, hit you, and took off." Tears rolled down her face.
   
   I don't know if this is the proper advice or if I am interferring with your style; personally, I think it helps to put a person in the scene when you show them. I hope this helps.

   replyreport