Okay please critique my pitch

1. 70

   cindyvineposted 14 years ago

   Blasted thing has to be not more than 300 words and you have to say soooooo much.  Oh well, here's my first go at a pitch for the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award.  Please give me your thoughts and advice etc etc.  Ta muchly!
   
   "Tethered to the cave wall like a dog chained to a tree, I am
   becoming fearful. Scared of being swallowed up by the dark, scared of being restrained, scared of never leaving my solitary confinement.  But most of all, scared that when I leave the dark and enter the light, I won't be loved."
   
   Born with a cleft lip to a mother who didn't want him and abandoned him when he was six months old, it seems that the odds were against Billy from the start.  His father, Chris, a soldier in the US Army is forced to quit the army and take care of the small baby.  From the beginning, Chris and his son Billy, lack the support of family and State Departments.  Forced
   to go it alone, Chris struggles to balance single parenthood with his social life.  He makes some wrong choices and poor decisions which impact on the young Billy's life. 
   
   Chris develops a relationship with Billy's caregiver, Stella, who turns out to be mentally unstable.  He catches her abusing Billy and moves out of her home.  Stella starts to stalk Chris and harass him at both work and home.  Things go from bad to worse for Chris and Billy.  Chris begins to fear that their lives might be in danger.  With nobody in authority to turn to, Chris is forced to come up with a plan for Billy and him to escape Stella for good.
   
   In THE CASE OF BILLY B, each chapter is written from a different point of view, and falls into the same genre as the novels of Jodi Picoult and Anita Sheve.  THE CASE OF BILLY B looks at our need for love and acceptance.  The author escaped from an abusive situation and survived to write a self-help book on abuse.

   replyreport
   1. 60

      userjavidposted 14 years agoin reply to this

      Gud

      replyreport
2. 70

   cindyvineposted 14 years ago

   I bumping this because I really want feedback here guys!

   replyreport
3. 0

   lynnechandlerposted 14 years ago

   Cindy I am not real good at these query kind of things but the second paragraph seems forced.
   
   Born with a cleft lip to a mother who didn't want him and abandoned him when he was six months old, it seems that the odds were against Billy from the start.  His father, Chris, a soldier in the US Army is forced to quit the army and take care of the small baby.  From the beginning, Chris and his son Billy, lack the support of family and State Departments.  Forced to go it alone, Chris struggles to balance single parenthood with his social life.  He makes some wrong choices and poor decisions which impact on the young Billy's life.
   
   Maybe something like this:
   
   Born with a cleft lip to a mother who abandoned him at six months of age it seems the odds are against Billy from the start. Chris, his father, must make the decision to leave his army career behind and accept the responsibility or have the child go to foster care. While this man makes some poor choices and decisions that impact on young Billy's life, it seems there is no help for the struggling single father and his son. No family, no support from the government; it's just them against the world.
   
   Chris develops a relationship with Billy's caregiver, Stella, who turns out to be mentally unstable.  He catches her abusing Billy and moves out of her home.  Stella starts to stalk Chris and harass him at both work and home.  Things go from bad to worse for Chris and Billy.  Chris begins to fear that their lives might be in danger.  With nobody in authority to turn to, Chris is forced to come up with a plan for Billy and him to escape Stella for good.
   
   An unstable caregiver, not only endangers the baby, but Chris must find a way to save himself and his young son from the harassing young woman he became involved with while attempting to make a home for himself and his son. A plan of escape now has them on the run.
   
   Just a couple of thoughts to narrow it a bit for you. Not sure if it helped or not.

   replyreport
4. 61

   Sara Tonynposted 14 years ago

   Can you post the Amazon guidelines or instructions so we have something to measure your effort against?

   replyreport
5. 70

   cindyvineposted 14 years ago

   Thanks for the help, Lynne!
   Sara, here are the guidelines from Amazon. 
   What is a Pitch, and why is it being used to judge my entry?
   A cover letter or "pitch" which explains your novel's concept is required. This must be less than 300 words. The pitch is more than just a summary, it needs to be a well-written explanation of what the book is about.  Talk about your novel's strengths with respect to how it is being evaluated; Think about the elements chosen on which to judge your novel for the purpose of this contest; its overall strength, plot development, character development, originality of idea, and writing style or prose. Take the time to study your intended market and make sure your pitch demonstrates that you understand how your book fits within this market and how it will identify with your audience. Remember the book should resonate with who your readers are. The Pitch should be a concise explanation of your book and why the reader would want to read your novel.

   replyreport
6. 76

   frogdroppingposted 14 years ago

   Cindy - I love your opening paragraph. And the middle ones are improved courtesy of Lynne. Can you leave your original final paragraph in re word count?
   
   TBH, your pitch would make me pick the book up and take a look on page one (that's when I decide whether I'm buying a book or not) and that's the point, is it not? To garner interest?
   
   Anyway - the very best of luck Cindy. You work hard and deserve a leg up ... even if you're having to use your own legs to do it

   replyreport
7. 61

   saltposted 14 years ago

   I didnt like paragraph one much, the second one made me think to read it and saw army and thought ho hum...
   
   third paragraph, you got to me.. I saw a glimpse of life that happens too much at the moment.. yet, I am still looking for a use of language that would add depth, spirit or that little bit of ...
   
   (hope this is not bleak, as it is my honest immediate reaction.

   replyreport
8. 70

   cindyvineposted 14 years ago

   Oh my goodness, this is so hard because what one person likes another doesn't.  Who do I listen to?

   replyreport
9. 61

   saltposted 14 years ago

   i know, I thought that before I made my comment, but I thought honest critique would serve you best. Your first sentence works to grab attention. It does, but I believe it looks like that.. Re work the first sentence or two to make something poetic ... not bad, but not brilliant.. not that first line wow.. Otherwise, use something slower to bring the reader in. as the 3rd paragraph was worth getting to. (My suggestion, not fact.)

   replyreport
10. 63

    Has_aWayWithWordsposted 14 years ago

    I say get rid of some of the stuff that really doesn't matter here, for example the cleft lip.. why not leave that out. just "born to a mother who didn't want him" would leave me wondering why exactly she didn't want him..reading farther and about his father being in the army why not use " Billy's father must make the decision to leave his career to take care of his infant son"  remember you want to peak interest in the book...make people wonder about it and have to actually read it or buy it to find out

    replyreport