The Young Widow - FURY

This is not the way I wanted to ring in my 4th month without my Prince.

This is an emotion that all who grieve must face. It is destructive. It consumes. It steals the feelings of hunger, thirst, and exhaustion. It is in me now. The tears produced burn the eyes as they seep slowly from my eyes. I want to scream. I want to throw things. I can't do either. It is late and I am a mother, so I tap frantically at the keys in front of me. Allowing my thoughts to pour out freely. Not caring about the disaster that I lay before you publicly. Not fearing judgement. Not seeking opinion. Not asking for permission. I can feel my blood painfully traveling through the veins in my arms. They are like daggers inside of me. I want to lash out. I wish I had a punching bag. Or some other accessible outlet.

I have unresolved anger at the day my prince left my side. He was in the hospital. No one cared enough to attempt to save him. No one dug a little deeper. He was sent home with a careless, joking comment that haunts me. Her face brings forth anger. I see it in my thoughts. I don't bring up those thoughts so that they do not breed hatred. I refuse to hate. It is a bloody battle to keep it off of me. Like fury, it is a gremlin. They jump at you trying to penetrate you with their claws. They are hard to get rid of. My ears are red and hot. There is a fire within me. Today's battle happened hours ago. I only allowed myself a few moments in anger so that I can perform the way that I need to. As small a moment as it was, it was enough to worry my daughter. Now that my obligations have all been met the anger has resurfaced. It has embraced me completely. I don't know what to do with it. It is stealing my sleep. I will pay for it tomorrow. Lord, release the fury within me. I do not want it.

The medical field has failed me. My prince went to them regularly. They were content with his existing diagnosis. No need to dig deeper. No need to ask more questions. I wish I knew then... That only makes anger worse. One test could have saved him. There would be no family war. Anger contradicts my faith. To believe it was his time is to believe that he could not have been saved. Anger knows no logic. It is not consoled. My truth and what I believe stays with me every hour of every day but is not match for anger. Unreasonable. Unrelenting. Unappreciated by me. Unwanted but fully warranted. They poured salt into wounds that won't heal. It awakened the fury. Fight or flight. There is no where to run from this anger inside.

They were lazy... and I am angry
They treated it like any other job... and I am angry
They didn't try to save you... and I am angry
Those that pick up arms against me... make me angry
Those that accuse me... have made me angry
Don't trust me, test me, more salt in the wounds... anger, fury, rage

I feel the flames surrounding my body starting to die down. My eye is twitching from the release of tension. My arms shake from within. The wave of anger stood with me for hours and is finally settling for the night. Some of these angers will linger. Most will pass over me until the next battle stirs it all up again. All I want to do is let it all go.

Here is another wave. It threatens my peace. I won't let it drown. I can't seem to fight against it. More fighting. So tired. So much left to face. I will not be beaten. I will not hate. This is less vicious than the first wave. I just have to hold on and ride it thru.

I look small. I am young. I wonder if I have the will and strength needed for so much that is left to come. Since those I am angry with won't feel my wrath, I wonder what the price for these inner battles will be for me. What price will my body pay?
This is what inspires me to avoid these days, but sometimes it is out of my hands. It's a gift wrapped in poison, barbed wire, and acid given to me by those I should be able to trust. As soon as it passes, it will be released. There will be no grudge that I will hold. I will not blame you for igniting me. This is not something that I intend to carry with me. It is not going to be a trophy for you to keep. That is not to say that we are not affected and that changes will not be made for protection, but know that I will not hate.

Less than 10% of my life will be spent being irate.

Not all the lyrics fit, but the chorus fits how I feel when I am angry.

I set fire to the rain, watched it pour as I touched your face
(memories are hard and can trigger extreme emotions)
Well it burned as I cried cuz I heard it screaming out your name
I set fire to the rain and I threw us into the flames
and I felt something died cause I knew that that was the last time

Sometimes I wake up by the door. That heart you caught must be waiting for ya.
Even now when we're already over, I just can't help myself from looking for ya.