You Know You're Getting Old When . . .

Now where did that flag go?
Now where did that flag go?

— you have painted those rocks at the edge of your driveway white.

— you start to think a pastel warm-up suit makes a pretty snappy outfit for going out in public.

— trips to the bathroom begin outnumbering trips to the fridge.

— the pleasure you feel elevating your feet has nothing to do with sexual gratification.

— there are more colors in your pill-dispenser case than in that Hawaiian sunset jigsaw puzzle you glued together and hung in the hall.

— nothing is funny.

— the only things you feel are bargains anymore are those crappy items at the dollar store that you don’t really need 5 of anyway.

— you begin experiencing hunger pangs at 3:00 p.m., especially for the Meat Loaf Special at Shoney’s.

— you can recall more names of deceased past Presidents than of your grandchildren.

— all you do with your cell phone is make and receive calls, and even that often seems bafflingly high-tech and high-falutin’.

— most of your conversations begin with “We never used to . . . “.

— the most memorable evenings with your sex partner consist only of foot baths, Matlock, instant frappuccino, and those damn neighbor kids being quiet.

— you wonder how so many apparent 7-year-olds could get driver’s licenses.

— Republican politicos begin making sense.

— you plan your meals not around what to include, but around what to exclude.

— every one of your growing number of doctors, dentists and insurance agents is a ‘young whippersnapper’.

— you insist on watching the nightly national news, and feel compelled to shout back at every news item.

— you and your partner make more noise getting out of bed in the morning than you ever made getting into bed at night.

— 90 bucks a month is far too much for you to pay for wireless phone service, cable TV, internet access and movie rentals — combined!

— reading any list as long as this is a real pain in the ass.

— stripes go with plaid goes with paisley goes with polka dots goes with herringbone; brown goes with green goes with gold goes with pink goes with turquoise.

— no one is beautiful anymore; the only choices are cute, OK, had some work done, trashy, and homelier than a mud fence. 

— the volume control on your TV no longer goes anywhere near high enough.

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Comments 8 comments

music messenger profile image

music messenger 6 years ago

Great stuff...very funny. Also, sad because some of the points pertain to me! I have a new hub on going to the local record store you might like. I voted.

Veronica Allen profile image

Veronica Allen 6 years ago from Georgia

Sighh.... well, a lot of these things apply to me as well. Oh well, I guess I better learn how to embrace it.

Pamela99 profile image

Pamela99 6 years ago from United States

Very funny.

Zsuzsy Bee profile image

Zsuzsy Bee 6 years ago from Ontario/Canada

Oh oh,this one has clinched it '......cell phone........bafflingly high-tech and high-falutin’

I guess I'm there, I know it... I'm getting old.

great funny hub

kindest regards Zsuzsy

KoffeeKlatch Gals profile image

KoffeeKlatch Gals 6 years ago from Sunny Florida

I guess I'm getting old - I found a few that sound like me. Funny stuuf thanks for sharing.

rickzimmerman profile image

rickzimmerman 6 years ago from Northeast Ohio Author

Thanks, Zsuzsy & KoffeeKlatch!

Trsmd profile image

Trsmd 5 years ago from India

if someone says that you looking young means you are already old...

rickzimmerman profile image

rickzimmerman 5 years ago from Northeast Ohio Author

You are probably correct.

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