Enjoy Growing Old!

Are you a Boomer feeling like you’re about to go Bust? Wondering what could possibly be golden about the Golden Years? Have no fear — I am here to point out that there are many ways to enjoy — yes, that’s right, I said ENJOY — growing old! All it takes is time!

Begin to enjoy growing old by remembering that aging is all in your mind. So simply park that whole concept of ‘aging’ in that little part of your mind that you’re going to lose soon anyway! Just think — instead of forgetting once more where you placed your reading glasses, you can forget that you were ever even interested in this article in the first place!

You’ll also enjoy the fact that you’ve now got one of those colorfully labeled pill sorting cases to remind you exactly what day it is today. Not to mention the fact that your medication expenses are enabling some struggling pharmaceutical company sales rep to have a nice time-share with a view of the bay.

Next, start counting down those days, weeks or months until you can stop paying high taxes and start collecting Medicare and Medicaid and Social Security. Not to mention Senior Discounts on everything from dental adhesive to hemorrhoid cream to hearing-aid batteries to those cute little walkers with rubber feet. (If, on the other hand, you should happen to be still some time away from that fateful day when money pouring out gives way to money trickling in, check out my other article: How to Enjoy Paying Taxes!)

Has your diminished sex life got you down? Learn to relax and let it go. After all, there’ll be no more need for roll-on deodorant, bragging, slimming undergarments, making rash promises, buying expensive jewelry, gagging, trying to cook, or doing things that are unnatural or forbidden by your particular state’s laws. Besides, you’ll soon learn that no orgasm is quite as satisfying as a good bowel movement. (And, if you play it right, you can have one of THOSE every day!)

Enhance your enjoyment of aging by taking up golf. Get out there on the links in a foursome of geezers, preferably a mix of frail men and women dressed in a riot of clashing pastels. Make sure you tee off before some typically-entitled batch of high-income corporate-sales types, and play like the beginners and golf hacks you are. You’ll enjoy a full afternoon of laughs and hysterical glee as you puzzle and disgust and stall and infuriate those guys around all 18 holes. Bet you never saw four brains explode at once!

It’s also enjoyable to know that growing old can turn you into a great artist! Now that you are aging, your self-portraits can rival those of Rembrandt and Van Gogh; just trace around a paper plate, dot in some eyes and nostrils, and add a bunch of faint squiggly lines for lips, ears, wrinkles and stray hairs, and you’re ready for The Met!

Are you just a bit shorter than you used to be? Well, don’t let those rounding shoulders or compressed skeleton or hunched back or just plain slouching tiredness adversely affect your self-image! Be happy instead! Those are merely nature’s way of moving you just a little closer to the ground, so you don’t get injured so badly when you inevitably fall!

But, if for some reason you still can’t take your mind off growing old, then you should learn to equate it with being young. After all, there are tremendous similarities between growing old and being young — really young!:

1. You get to enjoy those cool Velcro-strap sneakers like a six-year-old!
2. Family members take you out to casual restaurants for those Early Bird Specials that remind you of Happy Meals.
3. When you do go out, it doesn’t matter what you wear. And, if you spill something on yourself, it’s no big deal.
4. If somebody serves a vegetable you don’t like, you can ignore it.
5. You can part crowds at the mall, the movie theater and the grocery store simply by means of your slow and doddering gait.
6. You no longer have to drive when you go somewhere. You sit in the back and someone else opens and closes the car door for you.
7. You have far fewer friends to remember, and no one will fault you if you don’t even remember them.
8. So enjoy those Golden Years, youngster!