Life as a Designated Driver

The author, stocking up for a party
The author, stocking up for a party

It's Not That I Don't Drink...

... it's that I can't. No, I'm not in A.A., though if I were, I'd be proud of the fact. The reason I don't drink is because even one drop of alcohol guarantees me at least three days of an agonizing migraine, supine, the curtains drawn, icy gel packs around my neck. So, I don't drink.

But I do like all sorts of entertainment, parties, art openings, weddings... and most likely someone in my party will heed the call of Bacchus, and I will be doing the driving home.

What makes me proud isn't the fact that I don't drink but that I don't ever drive under the influence. When we entertain at home, I make sure to call my guests a taxi if they've had more than two glasses. Once in a very blue moon they sleep over (the ones who don't mind two cats with long claws jumping on them). I've been known to drive people home, way far away from my home.

What most commonly happens is that the lucky Dionesians won't even remember the favor the next day. Or may call, sheepishly admitting that they had five too many and leave it at that. Or even state accusingly, "You got me drunk." I humor them. Not once have they sent flowers, a limo, or tickets to the New World Symphony ... or a simple thank you. But that's ok, because what really matters, really, really matters is that I save lives.

Why DUI?

Everyone I've known personally to receive a DUI has spent the night in jail and then has had to spend untold amounts of money on fines and legal fees. Then has had to go to traffic school... And they are among the lucky ones, because they didn't kill anybody. Why risk that? No matter how much you may have to spend on a limo or cab, no matter how uncomfortable it may be to sleep on a park bench, it is infinitely favorable to the potential consequences of taking the wheel.

Tip: Keep a separate debit card in your wallet with enough cash loaded to get yourself home from the farthest point from your home. In a worst case scenario, you can have the cabdriver stop at an ATM, and get you safely to your destination.

Reward Yourself for Not Driving Under the Influence

Tribute to the Designated Driver

(To the cadence of the "Budweiser Real Men of Genius" )

Let's sing in praise of that great human being, the designated driver.

That awesome friend who lets you get totally sloshed

And makes sure to get you home safely.

You may spend half the party at the bar and the other half

under the loo,

And he or she will risk life and sanity

to pry you out and into their car.

Reward that person with Godiva chocolates and expensive jewelry.

Don't call him Poindexter or Marvin.

Do invite her Jimmy Choo shopping.

And you must remember this:

While you're drooling upside down from the rafters,

Your heroic teetotaler will be making out with the cutest hotties.

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Comments 20 comments

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Iðunn 9 years ago

Bravo, Cory~ Well done and quite timely too for New Year's. You got me at the detail... Godiva chocolates and shoe-shopping :heart: Let me know if you need a ride. hehe

Guru-C profile image

Guru-C 9 years ago Author

Thank you Dearest! Godivas are soooo goooood! And a ride would be much, much appreciated :-)

MrMarmalade profile image

MrMarmalade 9 years ago from Sydney

I'll drive and you supply the chocolates, unless you throwing a little 'Moet' around then you had better drive.

I know it is selfish to be so greedy.

Guru-C profile image

Guru-C 9 years ago Author

Well, friendship is a give and take thing :-) Thank you, Mr. Marmalade!

Kenny Wordsmith profile image

Kenny Wordsmith 9 years ago from Chennai

A thankless job, so let's give thanks to all the wonderful DDs this year. Will take care of him or her before and after I am drunk this time!

Guru-C profile image

Guru-C 9 years ago Author

I wish you a very Happy New Year, Kenny!!!

Guru-C profile image

Guru-C 9 years ago Author

Thank you, Kenny, so much. I actually think what inspired this hub was yours on how to recover from a hangover!~ It is certain you are a kind individual!!!

Tonia Starr profile image

Tonia Starr 9 years ago from the beautiful Smokey Mountains

Well written and much appreciated as a habitual DD.....

Betty 9 years ago

I agree with you completely. HAPPY NEW YEAR !! Your great fan

Betty Levy

Guru-C profile image

Guru-C 9 years ago Author

Thank you so much, Betty Levy (aka My MOM - I Love You) and Tonia Starr. Health, Happiness, Wealth, Love and All Things Good!!!!


thekingjohann profile image

thekingjohann 9 years ago from Seattle

are'nt you jusice \\ nov http//:conerific.miguel@wonderful gay gay gay gay

Guru-C profile image

Guru-C 9 years ago Author

Not sure I follow :-)

Kenny Wordsmith profile image

Kenny Wordsmith 9 years ago from Chennai

Hey, Guru, thank you for the compliment! Hope to be as kind as you are!

Happy New Year!

Guru-C profile image

Guru-C 9 years ago Author

Kenny, you are sooo, kind!

Veronica profile image

Veronica 9 years ago from NY

Excellent article!

I was the designated driver about 5 years ago for a van full of nutjobs I call friends. It was an interesting evening. The nicest part was the little gifts they gave me as thank you's, which ranged from a sweatshirt to a bottle of wine. Sadly, no Jimmy Choo's. ;)

Happy 2008!

Guru-C profile image

Guru-C 9 years ago Author

Dear Veronica,

Thank you so much!

I can say, you've done a great service to humanity. And I'm glad your friends may be nutjobs but they give gifts ;-)

Wishing you a Happy 2008!!!!

DonnaCSmith profile image

DonnaCSmith 8 years ago from Central North Carolina

Good hub! I assume you still have a good time at fucntions where alcohol is served even though you do not partake;o) And thank you for the lives you save.

Guru-C profile image

Guru-C 7 years ago Author

Thank you Donna!!! It's good to feel good about good things.

tom hellert profile image

tom hellert 6 years ago from home


aas a non- drinker for life I always went out with my freinds and was the designated driver- I had no issues with this i got to drive my freinds cool cars and they got home safe- two things i was glad to do it geting my freinds home safe makes me even happier when i see them and their kids doing stuff togetherI have been at all their weddings and driven them all home several times its a thankless job but I would not trade it for anything in the world - all the times I got stopped and had to walk the line because when the cop opened the window he could not help but smell alcohol. I have done so many roadside sobriety tests-i did thre touch the nose thing while walking the line reciting the ABCs and took a bow at the end- the officer the guys in the car were cheering and hollering-since they were drunk...though amused made me do it again.


Guru-C profile image

Guru-C 6 years ago Author

Bless you, Tom!

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