Dating Over 40
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On Line Dating
Having Over 40 hottie friends who are divorced I have personally noticed a non-commital trend. Recently after spending countless hours of discussing the on-line dating scene I have came to the conclusion that there are many single people out there who create a profile looking for love , provide there interests, hobbies and life but when they meet up the stories completely change.
I went on a journey with a couple of my single over forty friends, tagging along as they met these potential men in a neutral location. The men of course did not realize that they had a friend that was sitting directly across from them, watching there every move. In hand I had a copy of the picture, and what they had stated on there profile. One gentleman I will call Steve noted that he was 6'2" lean mean hard machine. Steve recognized Linda but Linda certainly did not recognize Steve nor did I. This 6'2" lean mean hard machine was a 5'7" overweight balding middle aged man. He claimed he was an engineer, only to find that he was a car salesman. Linda is 5'10" and curvy I am not saying there was anything wrong with Steve as a person as they both ended up having a really good time but why would a man have to lie on his profile to meet a woman? They ended up dating a couple of times after that but she could not get past his misleading information needless to say it ended quite quickly.
The second journey I went on was with my friend Maria she had been married over 20 years and figured that on-line dating was the way to go. She enrolled on eharmony.com as the commercial says they will find the perfect match. She began to fill out the questionnaire and at the end it told her that there wasn't anyone in the database that would match what she was looking for. Maria had been looking for sometone with a sense of humor, college educated , with or without children made no difference to her after all she had 3 grown children of her own. Was that a lot to ask for? She proceeded onto a free on-line dating service and started to chat with several different potential men. One gentleman caught her eye and we will call him Glen. We took separate cars and met Glen in a neutral territory who explained on his profile that he was a well-known surgeon, his name to me sounded familiar but his height and weight did not match the well known surgeon I had dealt with. Glen claimed he was 6'4" a little on the heavy side, non-drinker who love listening to oldies. The surgeon I knew was 6'1" and was well-built not heavy, not lean. I again had picture in hand, profile information and proceeded to take notes even involving myself in conversation with them just like a stranger would. Glen was 5'10" , receding hair line, and had a missing tooth which he claimed , he had an appointment with the dentist the following day. Being a stranger in the converstaion I asked Glen where his residency was, how long had he been a surgeon, what primary hospitals did he practice in, he was baffled. He ended up being a construction worker who's dream was to become a surgeon but never achieved his goal, needless to say this did not work either especially after finding out that he was still married and was not in anyway getting a divorce. He was looking for a little action as he put it when he e-mailed Maria. Why lie?
What is it that men are really looking for when they are on-line dating? This is the question asked by my single Divorced friends. Why is it so hard to commit after 40? Are there any men out there who are actually looking for a long-term relationship?
Having this discussion with Maria and Linda I also realize that women as well play the same game , what is the purpose behind all of the lines and lies? What is the fear? Being married I do not have any idea what could lie ahead in the coming years but I certainly hope that I am still married , if the games that people play in the dating pool over 40 is like this, I simply would not want any part of it. There are other ways to please ourselves besides going through the pain of picking through the cherries, only to find the pits.
If you are single tell the truth my perception is it may be easier to find someone and they will accept you as you are, then to find out later on a date that it isn't what you are looking for.
If you find someone who lied about there size, height, looks meet them and be cordial simply tell them it wasn't what you were looking for, don't disappear into the darkness be a man or woman about it, they are on the same journey you are.
Provide a current picture not one from High School we all change through the years and you certainly do not want he/she to be shocked when they meet you.
I hope that my hottie divorced friends find someone that is compatible and equal to what they are looking for , maybe they should go back to the old-fashioned meeting someone in church, grocery store, library or any other public place at least there you can see them face to face without lying on a profile.
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Violet-Sun you should write about how you met your s/o online I would love to read about it. :)
AEvans, I'm not sure if I should think this piece is scary or funny maybe a little of both because it did make me laugh.A toothless construction worker who wished he was a surgeon...thanks for sharing this.I do hope your friends find what they are looking for,or better yet let it find them!I get a sense that this is along the same lines as the alter ego apology,did these adventures inspire that hub?(BTW you showed great humility in your apology)
Online dating is much better than the bar scene. I've gone out on many dates with girls I met online. Generally, you can tell a lot about the truthfullness of their profile from a couple phone conversations.
women who are 40 or over like the man described in Cindy's hub!
dori
TheMindlessBrute: He was toothless and I am glad you laughed to as I had to hold my tongue and laughter as I was the stranger. Alter egos is separate from this completely but my divorced friends are frustrated by the leaves that hang from the vine. The alter egos was an apology as I apparently hurt some feelings when I wrote it and it was all in fun. :)
kea: Linda and Maria have conversed and they tell them what they want to hear, what is it that men are looking for when dating on-line as this is the question they continue to seek. :)
Dating online is a total minefield, I think as you say Church might just get you a nicer class of person, good hub AE !
Please forward me your ever 40 single girlfriends adresses. They'll loooove me. LOL
I also fall into that catagory and there are a lot of cheats out there, even the girls, dont think its only us. Good one dear
First, it is so wise for you to roll with your friends to make sure they stay safe.
I'm over 40 and never did this online dating but I have young friends in their 30's who have - and the biggest lie? The men say they are much younger. The men would be 20 or more years older and their excuse? Well, if they told their age she may not show up. She'd walk out telling them 'honesty starts immediately.'
This was fun to read. Thanks!
Sorry am logged on as me, great hub and deff avoid dating online, tis a minefield. Not that I date online ya know, I am a shy guy ; )
Nice hub, but an easy way is to try to stay married if at all possible and do as the Bible teaches to avoid divorce!
I never lied in my profile and I don't know why people do. I think it's the a fear of being normal and overlooked. I have a pretty interesting lifestyle, career, etc., so maybe that's why I didn't feel the need to lie. I think everyone wants the same thing - to meet someone great and spend time with them. There are a few men I know that just want to hook up with girls on-line, but they are definitely not on eharmony.com or match.com or some of the relationship oriented sites. For me the easiest way to tell if someone was lying, was a couple phone conversations. I never met anyone in person without first speaking with them on the phone. When you have someone on the phone, they are open to whatever you ask them and I developed a good sense of telling if they lied on their profile. If I caught them lying on their profile, I simply didn't meet them in person. Asking someone to describe a typical day of theirs or to tell you about the coolest experience they had with hobby whatever, etc., typically forces the truth. There are a lot of posers out there on-line, but the posers are out there in-person too. You just have to develop a good poser-detector!
fortunerep: I must read it what was the name of it?
men are dorks: I thought you were married?? lololo On-Line dating is nuts and it appears complicated. :(
BKCreative: It is insane and I am thankful I went with them what a learning experience , what are men and women really looking for?
badcompany99: It is nuts isn't it? I wouldn't recommend it at all.
Isabellas: You are so right I certainly would not want to experience the nightmare that others go through.:)
kea: I am certainly going to pass this information along to Linda and Maria as it is a great perspective from a man's point of view, who knows they may wish to ask you more questions as you provide great advice. :)
lol AE, man I could write a book about my online dating experiences but when I first came here, I wrote a hub called the sleazy side of online dating and tells of a trick a friend and i played on some of those sleazeball men on the dating sites. I don't recommend online dating unless you want a laugh. But think some of the women on those sites turn into stalkers. have some male friends been caught that way.
Married men pretending to be single are scary. And you don't only meet them online....will just be happy with my dog.
I checked out online dating a bit, but nothing became of it. However, there was one guy i was interested in who seemed nice and sincere and very familiar to me. Turns out he lived in the same apartment complex I did. Nothing big came out of it. but he was a nice guy. Fascinating hub, by the way AE.
I don't know about all women but I am 40 and personally I don't want a commitment. Been there done that. I want a nice life I can create for myself with a man who is there when I want him to be, goes home after exhausting sex so I can have the bed to myself and I will call you, don't call me. I have earned this right, for it is my life and I will make all the calls, if you can't handle it, then move on.
dori
Well if you read my hub youll know how my online experience turned out , and if youve not emotionally involved it really is hilarious the lengths some people can go to elevate their image. lol.Believe everything ,believe nothing ,contrary but helps lol
Thanks AE enjoyable, funny and realistic read, and thank-god im not dating anymore,lol.
cindyvine: You should and I am certain that many would read as it appears to be a nightmare for many.
Celine: That is what one of my Linda has said after her experience however she continues through the nonsense. :(
D Cortez: Well that was a nice thought to share, each time someone comments I do share it with Linda and Maria so they get the big picture. :)
fortunerep: You have your priorities straight and also sound like a cougar , it is always nice to see others that have there own minds. :)
Eaglekiwi: I will definitely read your hub and I am glad that I am not going through that experience either. :)
I hate dating forty year old men. They are always so misleading!!
lumberjack: Interesting are Avatar reflects you are a man, so are you saying you are a woman with a male Avatar? lololo interesting.
I was single by choice for a long time before I met my wife. We met through an online service, and I can say that I have met my match, but there are several keys one has to look for.
1: Know yourself, and stay in your lane. For a man over forty, looking for a young woman that could bless the cover of Playboy is not in your lane. Think about it. The same can be said for women.
2. Be honest, the truth will come out eventually. Telling someone that you are a best selling writer, re-known physician, or (insert profession here) will only get you in trouble. If you're just looking for action, you're better off at a local pub in another area. (never date where you normally hang out unless your looking for commitment).
3. If you are married, don't...enough said.
4. Simple qualifying questions via correspondence can weed out liars (and there are many) quickly. Most folks that are to lazy to tell the truth are also to lazy to research their lies. Ask questions. A good person will not be offended by your inquiries.
5. Last but not least, there are good people out there that are looking for someone. Don't restrict yourself to online, or any other mode. Most of the time people meet when they are not actively searching. Take care of yourself, look presentable, and use your brain. Be hip to current events and have intelligent thought out opinions. Take a class or two. Since I have been in school I have been approached many times and all I can say is "I am Married" and I am happy in my marriage, but if I were not...boy oh boy, what a display! :) Good luck.
Thanks for sharing.
trooper22: That is sound advice for Linda and Maria as they are not listening directly to me because I am married. I am certainly happy that this information is from you and outside source as this may truly give them more insight and each comment counts. Thanks bunches.
Dr. Nancy Kenyon: Thank you for stopping by. :)
I might add, I believe your friends are fishing where the gar swarm.
Dr. Nancy Kenyon: I do have to agree with you on that, but they do not listen as they believe that I personally do not know anything when it comes to dating as I have been out of the loop for so long, so I am certainly glad that they can see what people have to say as they check the link everyday.:)
@trooper22, the reason you're approached at school is because you're in a committed relationship.
I've found I attract a lot of girls while I'm currently dating someone, but it's more difficult when you're single.
Lumberjack wrote: "@trooper22, the reason you're approached at school is because you're in a committed relationship.
I've found I attract a lot of girls while I'm currently dating someone, but it's more difficult when you're single."
That is part of it I am sure. But many did not know that I am married. Be that as it may, Actively looking as opposed to merely attending school, shopping, riding through the park on a bicycle, or any of myriad of other activities is far better than surfing the net in my opinion.
psst ..maybe its a challenge to the girls ( to see if they can get your attention) ,once they know the competition ,some slack off , some gain momentum ,just observations along the path of life lol
My experience with online dating was horrible!! My second wife and I were going through a break-up after my best friend and her had an affair. I was not a happy camper and decided to start looking again even though I was still with my wife. (I know I was being a dog). Anyway I see this girls picture online and arrange a meeting at a local coffee shop. Meanwhile she calls my wife and tells her I'm meeting her not knowing my story. I go to meet her and my wife walks in on us and calls me a SOB pours a drink over my head and storms out. To make it worst the girl was horrible and nothing like her picture and turned out she did this to get back at all cheating husbands like some sick messed up hobby. Never again :) I did feel like a SOB to tell you the truth but I also felt justified but now realize 'I WASN'T!! Revenge sometimes has a way of turning the tables on you ;)
Great stuff AE. But I'd like to point out..
There is something
Their is something someone posesses
Because they're real. ;)
You've misused "there" a few times here, but otherwise, great work. As always!
Oh, and also... "sometone" I think you accidentally added a tee. ;P
Thanks for this diatribe of over forty lack of love.
zooloot: That sounds awful what an experience from a man's perspective.
ixxy: Thank you for pointing that out and I will certainly make corrections tomorrow I appreciate the critique. :)
Gee you would think they would not lie,don't they get embarrassed if they say they are 25 and they turn up as 40, that is why they say you need to cam each other I think, there are so many impersonators out there...scarey stuff lol
BP: It is scary especially for my friends, and my friend Maria also went out on a date, well she flew to another state to meet him and he tried to rape her. Thank God for cell phones and law enforcement I hope that taught her a valuable lesson as I would have been sick if she never came back home. :(
I am such a wet blanket when it comes to dating. At thirty I have pretty much given up because even recently as this week I tried again, and I just did not click with this person. Dating is great for most, but I hate dates. I do not even want to bother anymore to be honest. These are good tips for those dating though.
Two great minds -- I was just this morning thinking about writing hub about dating over 50. And if you think dating in your 40s is rough, wait till you're post-menopausal!
This is a good cautionary tale for those who think online dating is going to work any better than any other approach. Obviously the tendency to over (or under)state one's qualities is just too tempting for some people. I'm glad you went with your friends to keep them safe.
Good hub. May you never, ever have to endure the dating scene ever again! MM
I personally don't recommend on line dating; I recommend trolling the bars. lol Well, at least what you see, is what you get.
SweetiePie: Thanks based on my perception of what my friends have endured, which is overhelming for me sometimes.
MM: It isn't me, it is my friends, I am married but I know that they are reading this as they check it daily and I am certain theya re learning an abundance from the comments. :)
muley84: Trolling the bars? mmmmm They need to look at that too. lololo, thanks bunches for commenting. :)
datin over 40 is the way finding true love, not trying to find true love like above their age.
prasetio30: Thank you for commenting, however can you clarify as I apologize I am not understanding what you are saying. Many people above 40 also find true love as you read stories about it all of the time. Sometimes love comes at the end instead of the beginning. :)
Hey AE! Interesting Hub- I think the best way to meet someone is just doing something you are passionate about. When you aren't looking then things often fall into place. Remember the line from the movie Field of Dreams- "if you build it they will come."
Take Care, PS Keep those creative juices flowing!
Jim
mysuccess: I will defintely let them know as one loves to ballroom dance. :)
Dating over forty, that's five years from now! lol!
cobraski: Oh my goodness , don't remind me. lololoo we must reflect back on this one 5 years from now.:)
you are so funny AE...Loved this. It is true that this Online Dating crap is all over the place. Hey to each his own I guess huh? But you are right about the Non-Commital thing. Most of them are in bad marriages and need to fulfill some void by carrying on these Internet Relationships stringing the other along. Its sad. My friend has been through the same thing. She is my ex boss and her husband killed himself a year ago..she has been on every site and and every guy she meets is NOTHING like what he says he is. How dissappointing! =)
" I am a short fat balding 41 year old, out of work looking for a little hot action that might lead to a 2nd date" would probably not get too many hits on the ol computer dating network.
I am glad my wife still finds me of interest, as I would hate to have to date again. (Not that I am short, fat or out of work yet)
I've never liked the game, perhaps I was unable to be myself and think I was going to be acceptable. I think it's common based on your hub. Being yourself is not easy by the look.
Pachuca: It is a horrible and nutty thing may goodness times have changed.
PaperMoon: Here is to another 25 to you and Freida as even though you are short and balding I am certain she will keep you anwyay. lololo I admire you both. :)
Jewels: It is nuts on the on-line dating scene as you can see by my friends, I have found myself frightened for them so many times. I guess it should be done the old- fashioned way.:)
Hi Ae Hows it going lol hahahah I am sorry but I find the whole thing soooo funny, I have a whole lot of my work mates looking the thing over. We cant believe what yanks term abuse... We have to take it from them when the steak isn't cooked quitre right, you just have to be there to believe it.
Anyway have a great Day Mandy
Mandy: I didn't realize it was you, I wondered where you went and you are right here. :)
Well this is thoroughly depressing AE. I guess when I'm ready to get back out there I'll go a different route... hubber convention?
Randy: It is depressing, when they have a hubber convention let me know as I will send my friends that way, so far on-line dating for them is a bust and with all of the psychos out there , it is pretty scary. :(
I have left u a message but just read the Squidoo, and they have closed the thread after you commented. There is more going on on here than I can work out. That mango Girl is also on my Art Site.
She is termed a Lurker.
Friends??????????????
friends..:)
Never considered the difficulties faced by those dating over 40. Have you tried the free dating sites too?
This hub is wonderful. I myself was in a somewhat similiar situation. Its amazing how many married men are out looking for somehting on the side. One must always be careful with on line dating. I have a friend right now that her husband is doing it and I do now know how to tell her about it. The internet world can be wonderful but one must always be careful
Plenty of Fish: My friends have tried the free dating-sites and that is where they honestly ran into some serious trouble.
sara: It is amazing isn't it, and I don't know why they think the grass is always greener on the other side, when they can still bring home STD's.:(
I always thought that online dating is about creating a virtual self images. Isn’t it the rule of a game?
I, however, married a man whom I’ve met online. He is a great writer. His virtual image was different from his three dimensional. It wasn’t worse, it was different. We were married for 6 years…we’ve divorced. I still like reading what he writes.
Irene: Now that is a positive story to tell, I see there can be light for my friends at the end of the tunnel. :)
The dating scene, I believe that video dating is so much better, you can see the person.
New Life: I will have to let them know that, sounds interesting. :)
Very interesting Hub and great comments. As a divorced 55 y.o.guy, I have had pretty good success in meeting some very nice women, but I approach it by "underselling" myself. I don't make any grandiose claims about my profession, my hobbies or my looks. In fact I try to tell the good and the bad.
For instance, I am self employed and things are pretty tough right now...so, I just say that. If someone can't accept the guts it takes to pull yourself back up as a self employed person, then I imagine they're not the lady for me.
I also put in a lot of quality pictures in various places..including something showing me on a beach where I very obviously have a small "wine-gut". You know, that last 10 pounds...;>)
It also helps if you do as I do and show yourself in some interesting places like standing in front of the Eiffel Tower. (Maybe the power of suggest??)
The overall effect for me has been in every case, the woman I meet says I look better in real life. Can you imagine how much better that starts things off?
Unfortunately the other person has not always been so clear on their profile, but I have not really felt like the woman I have met were truly "gaming" the system. They just thought they were putting their best foot forward, so to speak.
As for free services vs paid...yes, the paid seem like higher quality folks (I like match.com). But I have met several nice women on "the fish".
If nothing else, you end up with some very funny and sometime touching stories.
I had one woman, as I was dropping her off at her front door, tell me she had had a mastectomy a few years ago and had the doctors has reconstructed her breasts from tissue around her abdomen. Being a bit shy, I was a little unsure about what to say back, but just told her that must have been very trying.
She turned back and said, "and today I got tattooed, would you like to see?". Wondering about the change in topic meant, I muttered something like, "well sure".
The next thing I knew she had pulled her shirt up and was showing me her new set of tattooed nipples.
If I had been wearing false teeth, they would have clattered on the sidewalk. That is something that doesn't happen to this ol'country boy everyday.
Anyway, I said something about how they look great and I would never have known they were tattoos. And...that was the end of it.
Later, reflecting on that strange experience, I realized how important it had been for that woman to get some sort of validation (terrible word) about this whole terrible experience she had been through. And honestly I felt very flattered that she had felt safe enough with me to have taken that risk of rejection (and possibly worse!). ** I am not suggesting this was a smart thing she did**
So, sorry for the rambling comment. Think of on-line dating as marketing yourself. Handle all the objections up front and you have a lot smoother sailing.
Now about those "hot" friends of yours...;>)
Very insightful and enjoyable; more than I can say for network news...
Marshall: Now that is interesting, thank you for the informative information.
loua: Thanks bunches. :)
you've got it right! found myself nodding in agreement while reading this hub.. been there, done that, got the t shirt
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VioletSun says:
7 months ago
Aevans: To me integrity is very important; if I were alone and looking for love, and found a man lied about anything, I would wonder what else is he lying about. I think I may write a hub about how I met my s/o online. ;)
Good hub! I enjoy reading you, by the way.