Should an Adopted Child Contact Their Birth Mother or Father?
88Have Realistic Expectations
The question asked was, "What advice can you give to someone who is adopted and would like to find his or her biological mother or father? (including legal procedures)
As an adopted child I can only speak from my own experience. Unfortuately, I can't offer legal advise since I'm not an expert in that area.
First before you consider searching for your birth mother, birth father or biological family, it's very important to have realistic expectations. What are realistic expectations?
Your biological mother, father or family may or may not want to meet you and get to know you. Don't set yourself up for disappointment, if things turn out different than you hope.
If your birth mother or father are open to meeting you that's great. Keep in mind that your relationship with them could become very special but they will never be "your parents". That title and honor only goes to the people who raised you. No matter what type of realtionship you have with your adopted parents, they will always be your real Mom and Dad.
If your birth mother or father don't wish to meet you and have a relationship with you, let it go and move on with your life. (It's their loss!) Don't take it as a personal rejection as you have no idea what is going on in their life. What challenges they live with, how their family is or other personal issues. All you can do is respect their wishes and live every day of your life with out regrets.
The Adopted Child
Should You Contact Your Biological Parent?
"Should I contact my birth mother or father?" is probably the question you are asking yourself. A simple question that only you can answer.
If you want to contact one or both of them and you have realistic expectations; go ahead and do it. It may change your life and again, it may not but you have satisfied your need to know.
Are You Adopted?
If you are adopted do you know one or both of your biological parents?
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Adoption Registries And Suport
- Search and Reunion
Find information and resources on searching for birth relatives, reunion, obtaining birth and adoption records, support groups, and relevant laws and policies. - Pennsylvania's Adoption Registry
Who does the registry serve? Adoptees born in Pennsylvania and Biological parents whose child was born in Pennsylvania and released for adoption. - Google Search for US adoption registry
US government and state web sites that have adoption registries. - Adoption Council of Canada Resources
The Adoption Council of Canada (ACC) includes links to provincial web sites for birthparents or an adopted child. - Where Do Adoptees Begin?- RI State General Adoption ...
If you're an adoptee from Rhode Island this is a great place to begin your search for biological information, albeit medical information or biological history or if you're looking to possibly search for a...
My Adoption Story
I was adopted when I was over a year old by a wonderful, older couple who knew my birth mother through friends. I was very lucky to have great parents who loved me and taught me about all the important things.
My parents kept in touch with my biological mother and introduced us when I was 16 years old. We have delveoped a wonderful relationship over the years and she has always been a part of my children's lives. After my parents both passed away I believe she had some unrealistic expectations that strained our relationship. I'm working on it and things have gotten better, because she is important to me.
When my second child was a baby my biological half sisters from my father contacted me. I enjoyed a good relationship with my father and his family until he passed away. Unfortunately, I haven't seen or communicated with my two half sisters since his funeral. No problems that I'm aware of, we just lost touch so I hope we can connect again one day.
My adopted parents were very supportive and welcomed my biological family in to my life. I have no idea why I'm telling you all this, but maybe it is in hope that it will some how make a difference....
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Comments
Thank you and you're most welcome! I hope this hub helps someone else who was adopted.
Very good advice about who your "real parents" are. It is so sad to see the way adoption has been treated in the U.S. by our own court systems and those whose salaries are paid by us. It is my own personal belief that any judge ruleing over such a case should be required to be from a home to which he/she was adopted into and loved OR have a child at home who has become a part of his/her own family through adoption. Many families would rather travel to a third world country than risk some U.S. court reuniting their baby girl or boy with a birth mom who changed her mind in a few months or even years. It is hard enough raising a child knowing you have atleast (in most cases) 18 yrs to teach them all they need to know . I could never imagine a fear of the possibility,a total stranger in my childs life could take over at any time to replace me. Adoptive parents are the absolute toughest and most remarkable people I have ever met !! They have EARNED their title as real parents which none of the rest of us have had to do. I am proud to say that my parents earned their title as yours did and I could not respect anyone more than a devoted adoptive parent. Thanks for your page, I enjoyed reading your story.
I think my adopted mother is lyingto me about my birth mother she gave me a name but i dont believe it;. she is very hurt my adopted mother this is causing problems between us. what do I do., she says she told me everything she knows. The birth mother uses my mothers name on the birth certificate. said this is what the woman wanted to do.
Watkins Lady, it's nice to see an adopted person's reasonable, rational, thoughts on adoption issues. I'm an adoptive mother, and these days it seems as if there are a lot of "non-cool-headed" opinions about adoption (from all angles).
Mary, as I mentioned above, I'm an adoptive mother of one of my kids (now grown). When my husband and I adopted our son the court/city clerk's office automatically changed the name of my son's parents to my name and my husband's name. It's a standard practice. Neither I nor the birth mother had any say in the matter. I don't know what's going on between you and your mother (obviously), but I do know that, as an adoptive mother, I was more than understanding of my son's possible wish to meet his birth mother. I did, though, hope he would be of an age when he was ready to deal with some things I knew he'd discover if he met her (and her family). Your mother (your adoptive mother) may not be hurt. She may be concerned that you're not quite mature enough to handle meeting your birth mother. There could be things that went on that your mother may not quite want you to have to discover right now. If your mother gave you a name of the person she says is your biological mother the chances are good she's telling you the truth. There's no guarantee that someone is not lying; but, in general, mothers wouldn't lie to their child about something like that. (Adoptive mothers may withhold information out of concern about whether the child is ready to deal with it emotionally, but most wouldn't lie.) When a person adopts a child from infancy how much s/he knows about the birth mother can often be quite limited, depending on the situation.
Our son found his Birth Mother about five years ago. We were always so close to him but after he found his BM she everything to him. We are hurt over this but I alway told our son when he was older if he wanted to find his BM we would help him. He was five weeks old when we adopted him he was and still is the light of our life's. Sadly, if I had it to do all over again I would have never talk with him about finding his BM. But, I felt I was doing the right thing for him. I only wish the BM and our son would include us in their life's.
I now watch when the adopted child and the Birth family find each other the adopted parents almost always are left out and never given any support. I would love to find a support group for us adopted mothers. I love both my children I never felt like they were adopted they were just my two wonderful God sent children.
I'm sorry to hear you feel your son's relationship with his birth Mother has strained your own relationship. It's normal for a parent to feel a twinge of jealousy when your child is in a close relationship with someone new, even a girlfriend. But you must push that feeling aside. You didn't love the first child less, once you got the second one did you? Well I bet your son loves you as much as he always did.
I noticed you don't mention how, "you do everything you can to include your son and his BM in your life." Try to look at the situation from your son's perspective and the mother's too. How would you feel if you were them? Be the hero, put your own feelings aside and welcome your son and his BM into your home and your life. Have you gotten to know her? Did you thank her for the wonderful gift she gave you?
With the up coming holidays, it the perfect time to invite them to join you to celebrate and enjoy a family meal together!
Keep in mind, when our children grow up they get busy with their own lives and have less time for their parents adopted or not, so this could be a contributing factor too. His relationship with his BM may still in the honey moon phase, (new & exciting) so his interest in her may even out with time. Tell him how much you love him, how proud you are of him and how much you appreciate him. Make sure he knows you will always be there for him and I'm sure he will come back to you.
My husband has recently found his daughter that was put up for adoption 16 years ago. She is 16 and they have been building a relationship through email and facebook. She has told her adoptive mother that she has been contacted but not the extent of the contact. She is concerned with hurting her mom's feelings, which we understand. Our concern is that we want to make sure that we are not doing anything wrong in establishing this relationship while she is just 16. The only thing we have done other than the email contact is to purchase a phone which will be delivered to a store near where she lives (she lives half a country away). She was without a phone and wanted a way to talk to her "daddy" - that is what she is calling him. Have we done anything wrong?
Since the child is still a minor, I think the right thing to do it to contact her adoptive parents. They know her and whether or not she is mature enough to handle the relationship. In the long run, things will go more smoothly if your husband makes friends with the parents.
Keeping secrets is not good for any relationship and I think you sense this already. Respecting her parents wishes and standing behind their decisions regarding what is best for her is generally the best policy.
At 16 we think we know it all, but we don't! It's a challenging age, and some kids go off the rails at this age. A lot of mental growth and maturity happens in the next few years. Your husband has the opportunity to be a positive influence in her life, the first step being, to engage in open and honest communications with her parents.
I wish all involved lots of luck and love.
when you say what do i do i think that you should beleive your adoptive mother she is more than likely telling every thing she knows
i hope this helps
Cheryl, I know how you feel. We adopted our son 11 years ago when he was 7. We adopted from the foster care system. He has always known his birth family and had visits several times per year. He has 3 older sibs, two who were adopted by their maternal grandmother and one who was not adopted so he grew up in foster care. We were told that it was important for our son to maintain his relationship with his birth family. We believed that this was best for him. I think that I still agree with that, except I'm concerned about the influence they have on my son.
Everyone in his birth family has dropped out of high school. He's on target to graduate in the spring. He will be the first person in his birth family to do so. His birth mom, maternal aunt, maternal grandfather, and a few others have substance abuse issues. That is the reason he came into foster care. His birth family also has participated in illegal activity and several have spent time in jail. They discuss their drug use with my son. They have a very different way of life and very different morals than we do. When he was younger, we supervised all visits and were able to prevent this king of talk.
Now that he is older and has a cell phone, he is in contact with his birth family a lot more than before. They call and text each other all the time.
Of course his relationship with his birth mom concerns me. I think he has idealized how things were when he used to live with her, but he was only 5 years old.
I feel like my husband and I have a good relationship with our son. He has always been able to talk about his birth family without any judgement on our part. But, sometimes I wonder if he now has an unrealistic view of them. He doesn't seem to understand that his birth mom made some very bad choices and continues to make bad choices. I don't know how to get him to understand that without him thinking that I'm critizing her. Her choices are her choices; I just don't want my son to make some of those bad choices. I believe that he will just get hurt in the long run. I beleive that she will let him down as she has done in the past.
Any suggestions?
Also, does anyone know of a support group for adoptive parents who are concerned about the affect their child's birth family is having on them?
DJ's Mom that is tough one, but hopefully you and your husband's influence and good values will stick with your son. You've done all the right things, and given him the tools to be a healthy, contributing member of society.
I understand you don't want your son to be hurt, at this age we can't protect them from real life. Unfortunately, he may need to experience some hurt and disappointment from his birth family. It's part of life but you can be there for him when reality bites.
Keep the lines of communication open with DJ, and make sure you tell him how proud you are of him! Keep him focused on his future and goals. What are his plans after graduation?
The good news is he's on the home stretch, you got him this far, within a few years he'll be wiser, more mature and fully competent in making good decisions for himself.
My 15 year old adopted daughter recently found her birth mother on facebook. When she told me this, i thought this was a joke but then her "birth mother" had my daughter's real last name on her profile.Her birth mother told my daughter that she would pass by town and that she wanted to meet and have lunch. I talked to her birth mother on the phone found out the it was really her birth mother. I am very worried about how the lunch will go and how the realtionship withh end up! Any advice?
If it was me, I would want to attend this lunch meeting with my daughter since you don't "know" the birth Mother or what her personal agenda is, and your daughter is only 15.
If you are comfortable with the idea, why not invite the birth mother to your home so everyone will have a chance to get to know each other?
No matter where they decide to meet I think your daughter will need you to be there and all the love and support you can give her. Even though they may communicate on FaceBook the meeting could have uncomfortable moments and be emotionally trying for her.
There will be plenty of time in the future for your daughter and her BM to spent alone or one on one time, when she is older and more mature.
If you are welcoming, friendly and on good terms with the birth mother it can only benefit your daughter.
I hope the BM is open to your suggestions or requests and that the meeting goes smoothly for all involved.
worddsplaytoday says:
12 months ago
Thank You for sharing! There are alot of reasons for adoption I glad you were happy with your adoptive family!