The Affluent Blues

It was a bright and chipper morning when I woke up today.

My fellow aristocrats and I chose the “links” on which to play.

We’d have a few rounds of golf at the club at Pebble Beach.

I could play my eighteen holes and maybe work on my new speech.

I had an engagement to lecture about how I came to my success.

I could speak of my humility and how I came from so much less.

It would all melt down to me and how I applied myself.

I just used the rungs of the ladder to reach this “high top shelf”.

There were some climbers who just got in the way.

But they didn’t really know the game or maybe how to play.

I’ll go on to explain in length, about never needing a helping hand.

I’m self taught, self thought, self bought, I’m really a self-made-man.

But as I was rising out of bed, a thought shattered my morning bliss.

My clothes were not laid out, things were surely amiss.

I forgot that I had given leave of my loyal English valet.

My agenda may be delayed as I watch the sunrise from my chalet.

I hope the French maid can take up the slack,

Help me dress, clean this mess, and even help me pack.

The valet was too proper and really a snobbish sort.

I think I see some leaves blown onto the tennis court.

There are so many problems with the help today.

They want medical, dental, and even more pay.

They will do so little and will expect so much.

Do they forget that it is I, who has the Midas touch?

Though some are so good, pound for pound,

You’ll be caught by surprise at how they'll let you down.

My aupair couldn’t control my smallest child’s potty.

The little rug rat went poo poo in my brand new Maserati.

I thought I could trust the nanny so well.

Now my car has a new “new car smell”.

It seems so beneath me that I should have to drive at all.

It must be accepted when there’s no chauffeur you can call.

His eyes were not kept to the front as he drove my limousine.

He had an eye for my pretty chef and ran off with my haute cuisine.

Some of my friends, no doubt, will surely call me weenie,

As I drive to golf in my Bentley instead of my Lamborghini.

It could be a hard day and please I beg your pardon.

I could use some help from Tommy Hilfiger and maybe Elizabeth Arden.

I need a “Sharper Image” as I peer at my fine art.

You know I need to look, seem, and act this eloquent “part”.

I suppose the butler can fetch my Gucci shoes.

But you know I get so tired of these "Millionaire Blues".

I have just some of my money stashed at Goldman-Sachs.

I hid some in the Cayman Islands. My accountant says it rocks.

I get to play at Monterrey; you know it’s so unique.

Of course I hop into my jet and fly to Martinique.

There are many luxurious places where I choose to cavort.

I’m happy to say that Monte Carlo is not my last resort.

I can see by my Rolex that the truth could not be plainer.

I may have time for Yoga but not with my personal trainer.

I can drink Chai Tea but can’t do Tai Chi.

There so little time, there’s not enough for me.

I’m a complex guy and a “rock & rolling” stone.

But like today I saw trouble and put down my gold iphone.

A tramp was on a corner and didn’t have a bed to lay his head.

I could have given money, but I thought I’d be cool instead.

I was so glad. He was so sad. He asked that I throw him a bone.

I reached into my bag and found some Dom Perignon.

I tossed him the bottle and as I went, felt real camaraderie.

I felt that I was a lot like he, and he was a lot like me.

With my valet gone we each put our pants on, now the very same.

A rose is a rose, is a rose, is a rose by any other name.

He and I were from different worlds as most can plainly see.

And as I was placing my ball atop the tee at the very first tee.

I realized the fallacy in a world that’s totally centered on me.

He doesn’t know how to open the bottle, or know where he’s going to pee.

The phrase hand-made has made it to premium whisky with The Last Drop, a blend of 70 different malt whiskeys and 12 different grain whiskeys.

In the context of this whiskey, hand-made largely refers to the selection of the individual whiskeys and the bottling process. The most intriguing thing about The Last Drop, according to James Espey, one of the company’s founders, is that most of the whiskies selected for this run of 1,347 bottles are from distilleries that no longer exist.

Add in the facts that The Last Drop is bottled straight from the cask, without chilling or filtering, and that it is not diluted (making this a 52% strength whisky as opposed to the usual 40+%), and this becomes a rather fetching proposition for connoisseurs.

The producers say that The Last Drop has a complex nose that incorporates chocolate, figs and vanilla while the brisk taste is marked by a long and spicy finish.

Carlsberg’s Jacobsen Brew House in Copenhagen has released what it claims to be one of the world’s most expensive beers.

So if you like your beer(?) expensive with a complex nose that incorporates chocolate, figs and vanilla while the brisk taste is marked by a long and spicy finish, then this is your beer. How about this one as you're rooting for your home team? There are only 1,347 bottles -oops- only 1,346 bottles left!

(I actually like my beer without a nose!)

At more than 250 euros per bottle, the limited edition Vintage No. 2 forms the second brew in its Vintage trilogy, and only 600 bottles have been produced. Vintage No. 1 debuted last year.

Morten Ibsen, Brewmaster at Jacobsen, who developed the Vintage No. 2 with four of his colleagues, says: ““With the Vintage trilogy we want to push the boundaries for what a beer can do, and to challenge the luxury wine segment in the gourmet restaurant market by utilizing our innovation and brewing capabilities.”

Vintage No. 2 is a Baltic Porter, which according to Jacobsen, which originates from 18th century Imperial Stout and was originally made for the Russian Tsarina Kathrine the Great. The beer had been matured in J.C. Jacobsen’s original crypt-like cellar since 1847, and spent 100 days in French oak casks. It has an expiry date of 2059.

Because of its stout-like origins, it has a jet-black color and espresso-like foam. Jacobsen says Vintage No. 2’s aroma displays hints of tar and ropes, owing to the peat-smoked Scottish malt used for the brew. It is best served at 15-20°C and pairs well with oysters, shellfish, Parma ham and cheese but is equally at home with sweeter delights like chocolate and crème brûlée.

Each Vintage bottle also features a hand stenciled lithographic print created by Chilean-born artist Marco Evaristti, with the Carlsberg Elephant as the recurring motif in five different versions.

Remember "they pushed the boundaries for what a beer can do, and they are challenging the luxury wine segment in the gourmet restaurant market by utilizing their innovation and brewing capabilities.” This beer spent 100 days in French oak casks. It has an expiry date of 2059.  There are only 600 bottles left- oops- 599 bottles left!

Most of my beer drinking buddies say 98 days is enough to spend in a dank old oak cask!

Presidential Medical Services

Guardian 24/7 principals developed the medical systems and protocols for the President of the United States, senior White House officials, and members of the Presidents cabinet, ensuring the best possible medical care for these individuals anywhere in the world.

Today, the convergence of simplified telemedicine technologies and reliable telecommunications has enabled this same level of service and life protecting capability to be brought to the private sector for the first time.

Guardian offers worldwide, 24 hour direct access to former White House physicians: the same physicians who provided direct medical care for the President of the United States and his Cabinet. These physicians bring an unparalleled healthcare standard for our clients while in the air, traveling on the ground or simply at home. Unparalleled because, against the vagaries and varying standards of healthcare around the world, Guardian provides its clients care that is always, without exception, convenient, discrete, and uncompromising in its clinical and service quality.

Surely after spending £125,000 for an iphone and getting drunk on this other crap you won't care if anybody but you gets any health-care at all, you freaking weeny!

Every traveler knows the frustrations associated with checked baggage on scheduled airlines. Lost and damaged luggage is an all-too common problem. And just getting bags off the carousel and transferred to ground transportation can be a real chore. Finally, there is the increasing chance, as airlines tighten the rules, that luggage will exceed size or weight limits, resulting in substantial added expense – and, increasingly, in the carrier’s refusal to take oversize luggage at any price.

Not anymore. With The Luggage Club, travelers get the convenience of door-to-door luggage delivery. Luggage is picked up when and where the traveler designates (home, office, hotel, etc.) and delivered directly to the final destination. No luggage security hassles; no need to transport luggage to and from the airport; no check-in lines; no waiting for luggage at the destination.

If all else fails, please, let me help you with your luggage!

I wanted to join this club but members must be invited.

I checked my account and only had $999,999,997.54.

(I vote third party or better)