The Making of Chinese Democracy : A James Bond 007 Parody - Part 2

If you're wondering what how we ever got this far, just click on this link to the start of the movie. All will be revealed.

The Making of Chinese Democracy : A James Bond 007 Parody - Part 2

Based on secret files revealed by Weakyleaks in 2010 the story continues with revelations on the technology used by the British Secret Service in their fight against global terrorism.

As Weakyleaks founder Jonathon Arsinge explains:

"For the first time we have an insight into the ruthless methods that the secret forces of the west employ. The cutting edge of science, state of the art technology and devious innovation are utilised to deadly effect"

In this scene James Bond meets with the technical supremo 'Q' at the latter's underground laboratory and testing facility. Once again actor John Cleese returns to play the role of 'Q' with his usual relish.

Bryan Ferry as James Bond 007
Bryan Ferry as James Bond 007

Bond was on his way from 'M's' office to the laboratory deep in the heart of the underground complex of the MI5 building.

As he neared the front door and broght out his security card there was a massive....

KAAAAAABOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!

"TOMPKINS!!!! YOU IDIOT!! came a familiar voice from inside.

I TOLD YOU TO BE CAREFUL WITH THOSE EXPLOSIVES!!!" Bond entered the laboratory warily, there was smoke everywhere and people running around with extinguishers putting out small flames around the area. From within the chaos emerged the figure of 'Q', barking orders and gesticulating maniacally to his assistants,

John Cleese as Q
John Cleese as Q

"Ahhh! 007, there you are, come on in man" he gestured waving smoke from his face,

"Are you sure this is a good time?" asked Bond

"Of course, of course man, no time to waste, no time to waste, you've a plane to catch, now come on!!" 'Q' replied.

He led Bond over to a desk passing various lab workers testing out all their latest weapons from an exploding ash-tray to a top-hat packed with grenades and an inflatable bicycle.

"RIGHT!!" "So! Here we go, some trinkets for your journey" said 'Q' "What do you make of these me old son" as he introduced some items from the desk,

"A wrist-watch with a laser beam attached AND an extra elasticated wrist-band that you can fire darts from" he said proudly,
"I've already got one of those" said Bond,
"How about this then? An umbrella that fires......."
Bond interrupted " I'm going to Las Vegas, not much chance of rain there!!

"OHH!! OK!, Well? How does this grab you??, A multi-purpose pen that writes in black, blue, red and green ink. You just turn the head to change the colour. BUT!! the secret is that the fifth nib is actually coated with cyanide"
"For poisoned pen letters?" asked Bond,
"Don't be so smart 007, and pay attention" snapped 'Q', "No! it's not for writing nasty letters, you remove the top and blow"

'Q' demonstrated, narrowly missing a technician working on a bagpipe transmitter.

"It's a bit old school is it not?" Bond complained "Have you nothing more modern and up to date"

"OHH!!! Not good enough for Mr Trendy Secret-Agent here, WELL!! Get a load of this!",

'Q' lifted up an iPod from the table.

"Latest thing 007, everybody's wearing them, never attract any notice. It's got the usual rubbish, music, radio, mega gigabytes etc etc,"

"BUT!! this little darling also contains a microscopic scanning device to detect security beams, it can pick up any conversation within a 500 yard radius, the cables are fitted with high strength tensile platinum wires that could strangle a rhinoceros and the ear-phones have enough explosives to blow the head off any of the enemy that gets hold of it".

"Mmmmmmm, not bad" Bond agreed.
"How about this?" 'Q' continued
"It looks like a travel iron" Bond observed
"Exactly" said 'Q' with a devilish grin on his face,

"So what does it do" asked Bond
"It'll give you a severe concussion if you're not careful" 'Q' replied
"Not very technological" said Bond,
"It does the bloody job 007, and it'll keep your shirt pressed too. Got to impress the ladies haven't you? It's not all high-tec you know. LOOK! If there's nothing you fancy here, then take a look at this catalogue"

He handed Bond a magazine.

"If you see anything you like, write down the number and go over to that counter there and you can pick it up"
"What are you running here 'Q'? An Argos store?" asked Bond,
"Might as well be" moaned 'Q', "Since we're so run off our feet, what with all this international terrorism and nation state power struggles. Can't deal with the demand. Do you know we had a 0096 in here on Friday? We just haven't the staff to cope"

KAAAAAABOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!

"TOMPKINS!!!! screamed 'Q' in a frightening rage, "GET THAT BLOODY FOOL AWAY FROM THERE!!!", he ordered his assistants.

After the smoke had cleared again he beckoned Bond forward quietly as he opened a drawer from underneath the desk,

"Look at this 007, ths is my pride and joy" he said producing a colourful object from the drawer, "What's that then?" he asked Bond,
"It's a parrot" said Bond,
"Ah Ha!!" said 'Q' "But no ordinary parrot"
"No!, It's a dead parrot" said Bond
"No it isn't" said 'Q'
"Yes it is!!"
"No it isn't"
"Yes it is, it's a dead parrot!!" Bond insisted
"NO IT BLEEDIN' AIN'T MATE!!!" shouted 'Q', "This is a state of the art animatronic surveillance device"
"A surveillance device?" asked Bond incredulously, "Not exactly discreet is it"

"Well that's the whole bloody point man" retorted 'Q' "It's so obviously NOT a hidden bug, so conspicuous a creature that it won't attract any suspicion. But inside it's got a micro video camera fitted with an infra-red detector that tracks the movements of anything in the room causing the head to turn at an arc of 180 degrees"

"Why didn't you make an owl then?" Bond suggested, "You'd get a 360 degree turn with that"

"AN OWL?, AN OWWWWLLLLL??" Now it was 'Q's turn to be incredulous, "What kind of idiot keeps a bleedin owl in their living room? NO!! this electronic wonder has been perfected after months of work here in the lab, it can turn it's head, flap it's wings, it can even pick up nuts from it's bowl. On top of all that it'll shout 'Pretty Polly' back at you if you ask it nicely enough. NO!!, This is no dead parrot 007, this is a state of the art undercover device, a living, breathing miracle of science"

"What comes out the back end then?" asked Bond
"What do you mean?, 'What comes out the back end'?" asked 'Q'
"Well" Bond continued, "If it's so realistic it'll need to do its business now and again. Will you supply newspaper or should I provide my own?" he added.

'Q' stared at him in silence for a full 30 seconds before erupting,

"RIGHT!!!!!! Of course, obviously you know better than us, Mister Smartypants Superspy. You go pissing about the world having your fun while we slave away here day after day in this glorified dungeon trying to come up with ideas to make your job easier. Do you realise I was in here at 6 o'clock this morning getting ready for your visit but, NOOOO!!!! you've got to stick yer oar in, poking yer nose about in other people's business. DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND!!!!, I'M TRYING TO RUN A BLOODY LABORATORY HERE!!!!!!"

Bond waited until the storm had subsided,

"Look 'Q', I have to go soon, I need to know what's on this disc, can you play it backwards for me?" asked Bond,
"I'll play it any way you bleedin like mate, and no mistake" said 'Q',

Bond handed 'Q' the disc and 'Q' handed the parrot to his assistant,

"Tompkins!, take this thing, drill a hole in its backside and try to work out how to make authentic parrot shit"
"Excuse me?" said Tompkins
"Don't argue man, just get on with it" demanded 'Q'

As promised he placed the disc in a nearby computer and ran it, over the speakers they heard
"Aaaaaaaaaaaa Haaaaaa Yeeeeee Haaaaaa Haaaaaa"!!!"
"God in Hell" said 'Q' "What fiendish plot are those Chinese up to?"
"You're playing it the forward way"
"I KNOW! I KNOW!" 'Q' protested, " Not that you could tell the difference with the garbage they play these days"

He pressed another button to run it backwards and an altogether different sound came out of the speakers.
"Nnnnnyyygggaaahhhhhh Eeeeeeeyyyyyaaaarrghhhhhhhh Ooooooooohhhh
Ooooooooogghhhhhh Uuuuuuughhhhhhh"

"Sounds the bloody same to me" said 'Q'
"Shush! and listen" said Bond,

"Mmmmmmmooooooghhhhhh Uuuuuuuurgghhhhhhhhhhhh Nnnnnyyyaaaaaahhh Kill your leaders!! Kill your leaders!! Nnnnnnnnyyyyyghhhhhhhhh Oooooooorrrrrghhhh Destroy the Government!! Destroy the Government!!, Nnnnnyyaaaarrrrgh Oooooooooooorrrrrghhhhh"

"My God" said Bond, "I see what they mean, what do you make of that 'Q'?"
He looked round and saw 'Q' with a glazed expression on his face, pulling a revolver from inside his coat and turning towards the door. All the while he was quietly chanting,
"'M' must die!, 'M' must die!, 'M' must die!,"
"GRAB HIM!!!" Bond shouted
Several technicians ran to Bond's aid and jumped on top of 'Q' and then 'Bang!! Bang!!' as two shots fired into the ceiling,
"We must vanquish the usurpers, death to the aristos, long live the proletariat" ranted 'Q'
"GET THAT GUN OFF HIM!!" screamed Bond
'Bang!! Bang!!' another two shots in the ceiling, before they eventually got him to the floor and wrestled the firearm from his grasp and took him away to the quiet room.

"That's it!" said Bond, "I'm getting out of this madhouse".

______________________________________________

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Comments 2 comments

Genna East profile image

Genna East 5 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

All I can say is, Wow! :)


zzron profile image

zzron 5 years ago from Houston, TX.

That's heavy duty brother!

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