Summing Up My Life


Having just passed my 60th birthday — and thus having clocked a total of a wee bit over 31,557,603 minutes on planet Earth — I have decided to sum up my life:

7,120,043 minutes: sleeping like a baby (especially when I was one).

876,598 minutes: dreaming — of which 33,441 minutes involved imagined physical contact with a celebrity.

552,257 minutes: nightmaring — of which better than 80% I swear involved a platypus mask, two golden zebras, my mother-in-law, alien anal probes, cackling clowns, a collapsing high-rise, or some combination thereof.

366,699 minutes: snoring.

584,412 minutes: taking midnight bathroom breaks (and it’s becoming more frequent, I tell ya).

438,351 minutes: laying there, staring at the ceiling, for all the usual reasons: bills, kids, parents, auto repairs, medical premiums, that lump on my neck, what I should have said to my boss, what I should have said to my spouse, etc.

171,093 minutes: awake because of that damn neighbor dog that won’t stop yapping, for chrissake!.

47,501 minutes: fluffing the pillow.

136,812 minutes: hitting the snooze alarm.

60,907 minutes: rubbing crud from eyes upon waking.

26,894 minutes: scratching privates.

33,916 minutes: having sex.

29,404.5 minutes: portion of the above having sex with someone else.

9,205 minutes: lighting a candle and/or incense.

76 minutes: having a three-way.

0 minutes: having a three-way that wasn’t pinochle.

118 minutes: gagging on a short curly hair.

1,621,214 minutes: total time spent attending school and university.

53 minutes: how much of it seemed worth it a decade later.

43,817 minutes: sleeping while at school and university.

85,320 minutes: completely lost at school and university.

116,409 minutes: hitting on a classmate at school and university.

72,003 minutes: showing off for said classmate at school and university.

14,214 minutes: cramming for tests at school and university.

167,884 minutes: total time spent eating, drinking, toking, listening to music, trying to learn guitar (Hey, what can I say? it was the ‘60s!) while at school and university.

4,101 minutes: telling jokes.

3,766 minutes: listening to jokes.

987,343 minutes: laughing.

1,428 minutes: crying.

617 minutes: praying.

109 minutes: praying for services to end.

83 minutes: wishing I was dead.

192 minutes: wishing I was alive.

0 minutes: wishing I could paraglide, kick-box, bungee-jump, spelunk, rock climb, skydive, eat insects, listen to Prince.

76,902 minutes: wiping myself.

5,632 minutes: wiping another and/or changing an adult or baby diaper.

11,006 minutes: constipated.

6,430 minutes: diarrhetic.

3,774 minutes: vomiting, so I guess it all kinda evens out.

202 minutes: sniveling.

104,837 minutes: swearing.

21,663 minutes: calling someone names.

30,940 minutes: being called names by someone.

12,999 minutes: sneezing.

983 minutes: texting.

816 minutes: messing up texting.

1,903 minutes: changing lightbulbs.

315 minutes: changing smoke detector batteries.

9,854 minutes: changing the laundry.

488 minutes: changing my underwear.

691 minutes: boogeying.

390 minutes: doing the chicken dance.

389 minutes: regretting it.

1,006 minutes: on a horse.

16,885 minutes: on a bicycle.

233 minutes: on a motorcycle.

16 minutes: on a co-worker.

54,772 minutes: on good behavior.

43,917 minutes: on a tear.

236,804 minutes: showering.

61,449 minutes: bathing.

908 minutes: deciding the hell with it, I’ll just scratch and stink all day.

147,932 minutes: talking on the phone.

9,412 minutes: sales calls.

2,919 minutes: political calls.

7,033 minutes: sales calls and political calls during dinner.

857 minutes: wrong numbers.

2,337,611 minutes: total time spent in eating-related activities, like . . . .

4,812 minutes: explaining to the wait staff what is wrong with my order.

121,594 minutes: eating foods I didn’t like.

63,007 minutes: pushing suspect food around the host’s/hostess’ fine china for near a half hour, hoping they won’t notice.

612,413 minutes: sitting through ‘Grace’ — or at least it seemed like it, anyway.

27,461 minutes: sitting in drive-thrus.

5,224 minutes: seeing how many potato chips I can stuff into my cheeks unbroken.

143 minutes: apologizing to various grandparents, aunts and/or uncles for the above stunt.

17,206 minutes: belching.

1,312 minutes: winning at the neighborhood belching competition.

12,644 minutes: on a diet.

12,658 minutes: rebounding from a diet.

402,191 minutes: drinking water.

62,013 minutes: drinking wine.

54,670 minutes: drinking cheap wine.

21,808 minutes: drinking cocktails or beer.

773 minutes: drinking alone.

6,938 minutes: being drunk.

11,212 minutes: being flatulent.

18,444 minutes: being interesting.

5,478,613 minutes: total time spent ‘gainfully’ employed.

5,422,005 minutes: amount of that time underpaid.

2,683,339 minutes: working for an idiot.

1,029,911 minutes: working for an a**.

55,260 minutes: daydreaming.

404,022 minutes: surfing kitten pictures, wack videos, games, porn, memes, shopping sites.

582,774 minutes: wondering why I bother.

6,392 minutes: leaving that clown of a client on hold.

226,524 minutes: hoping they won’t fire me.

7,840 minutes: photocopying my résumé on the company copier.

29,413 minutes: sitting in cineplexes.

4,608 minutes: really annoyed at that loudmouth 3 rows back that can’t seem to shut up!

114 minutes: precious minutes of my life that I’ll never get back from ‘Dinner for Schmucks’.

10,307 minutes: bowling.

3,152 minutes: making excuses for missed spares and gutter balls.

105 minutes: sitting through an opera, and that’s it! — never again, I mean it!.

97 minutes: a horrid romantic comedy stage musical — ditto!.

1,976,829 minutes: watching television.

51,504 minutes: watching good television.

4,446 minutes: watching the entire Bourne trilogy 13 times over, because, after all, there’s nothing better on the tube most nights anyway.

74 minutes: reading a good book.

39,654 minutes: reading trashy books and popular magazines.

168 minutes: trying to play a real guitar.

212,809 minutes: playing air guitar.

605,976 minutes: on vacation.

111,352 minutes: flying, driving, busing, ferrying, hiking, etc. to get to vacation.

72,014 minutes: vacation time spent wishing I had called the whole thing off (see also ‘diarrhetic’ above).

1,648,015 minutes: behind the wheel of various vans, cars, trucks, golf carts, big wheels, etc.

371,883 minutes: being held up by that damn snail in front of me!.

27,046 minutes: sweating as I coast past a highway patrolman.

26,448 minutes: speeding up, to make up the lost time.

9,804 minutes: sitting on off-ramps.

3,788 minutes: sitting on on-ramps.

44,901 minutes: sitting at red lights.

68,373 minutes: singing along to Van Halen, windows down.

4 minutes: what I would change, if I could.

0: chance that these figures will total correctly, because, hey! I’m now over 60 years old — who can remember everything?, and, besides, I last used algebra over 37 years ago.

A markerretirement village -
Retirement Village, South Bowenfels NSW 2790, Australia
[get directions]

Even retirees get the blues
Even retirees get the blues | Source

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Comments 2 comments

torrilynn profile image

torrilynn 3 years ago


I like how you give a really

Nice description of your life and how you feel about it overall thanks for the story.

Voted up.

rickzimmerman profile image

rickzimmerman 3 years ago from Northeast Ohio Author

Thanks, torrilynn. Though there's some slight fictionalization (for dramatic & humorous purposes) it's mostly spot on. Watch for an expanded version of it soon.

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