Top 10 Ways Men Won't Get a Date with Women (Askmen.com)

Absolutely. AskMen.com spiced up Labor Day weekend with the perfect aid to screw up dates for men all across the world reading their site. Their intention may have been to make a big joke or parody of some sort, which actually works out good with the theme of the entire 10 Ways To Tease Her and Make Her Crazy for You. Essentially, the whole idea is to make bad jokes or act like a juvenile to humiliate their date. In doing so, she will be NUTS for douchebags. Guaranteed to work.

AskMen.com says that these tips will set you apart from other men. Indeed, it will. Boys reading this will certainly be a challenge for women if they follow these tips to a tee -- a challenge in how to escape as quickly as possible. After all, what boy would not want women running in the other direction and into the arms of an actual man who knows what he's doing? Consider it as helping you to weed out the idiots from the real deal. How sweet!

So, for the benefit of ladies everywhere, I am offering an interpretation of this article so that men can better understand and refine their douchebaggery to the highest level. They will be so much easier to spot.

Ladies and douchebags, enjoy!

One way to get a woman to stand up faster and leave quicker is to tell her that her jokes suck. It's a legitimate way of proving yourselves unworthy of a hottie sitting across from you. AskMen.com advises men to do it with a straight face for as long as possible. Don't worry, guys, it won't take super long for a woman to realize that they are being insulted.

Keep a watch with you and make it a test to see how fast she'll leave you. It will probably be your best record in wrecking a date and being a total loser. Congratulations on helping women weed out the best from the worst. You have surely contributed to the dating world at large.

Men who don't know how to respond intellectually and are not capable of being witty should definitely resort to this.  If your date is similar to you in mindset, your date is saved! However, if your date is way beyond your league, you're instantly a douchebag.  Either way, your night is not a total loss.

Let's say she asks, "Are you a gamer?"  AskMen.com thinks questions like these are stupid.  Therefore, you automatically assume that she is asking a stupid question and your next move is to provide stupid answers.  Your magical answer would be something along the lines of, "Of course, why do you think I'm sitting across from you right now?  If I can get rid of you faster, I can return to my gaming."  You have just given her cue that she must go crazy over you because you're being a total ass.  But wait, you're not doing it good enough.

To make her absolutely crazy, go to the next tip.

YES! This is guaranteed to work.

If this is your first contact with your date, this is a dead give-away that you are into showing women who's boss. You must act like she is five years old and that you are the parent. This will show that you are into roleplaying and that you can indulge in her wild side. Slapping her hand gently for something that you can interpret as "bad" will mark you as a winner of the asshole award. She couldn't ask for more!!

Perhaps you need to go even further and maybe tap her butt if she says something that you can interpret as needing to be punished. The further you take this, the more likely she will go crazy. Crazy enough to head straight out the door.

However, practice caution, because most women may not be into that sort of roleplaying.

Go all out with this one. Here are some great mean things to say to your date:

• God, that dress makes your butt look big.
• Are you sure you put on some deodorant?
• Whoa, what did you do, eat some onions before our date?
• You realize you sound like a horse when you laugh, right?
• Your breasts are like Reese's cups!

Now, to make this even better, here in the deep south we always end or preface our rude comments with "Bless your heart" or "I know you can't help it". Taking some of the examples from above, let's take the insults to the max:

• Bless your heart, but you smell like you ate onions before our date.
• I know you can't help it, but you sound like a horse when you laugh!

This is sure to give your gal a warm fuzzy feeling and set her over the moon for you. If not for you, at least for the next gentleman that comes along to make her night better after her date with you.  They will surely thank you.

It's not enough that you have told her that her jokes sucked, given her stupid answers, slapped her hand, and said mean things about her to her face, you must insult her weight. Yes, her weight. You must tell her that she is obese after doing something completely idiotic like feeling up her fingers.

What's even funnier is that AskMen.com added a disclaimer -- Caution: Use this only with women who are very fit; you don’t want to hurt any feelings.

However, there is also an alternative to this. If you really want to blow your date's mind and she is not "fit", you can go the complete extreme opposite of this. It's like doing what AskMen.com by saying, "I can guess your weight", and then feel up her fingers or ear or something equally as idiotic. Once the moment has been dramatized with a pause, say something like, "You are 70 pounds!"

Essentially, you have now insulted an un-fit or potentially 'overweight' person by saying that she is anorexic or skeletal. Congratulations!

You must not give her a way to be worthy of you, at all.  You must keep the attitude that she is just not good enough for you.  She is beneath you.  You never want to let a confident hottie feel superior to you.  AskMen.com says the best way to maintain this attitude is to disqualify her somehow.

Hmmm.  Oh yes! Let's disqualify her by age.  Let's take a Southern example from above and blow this up a little bit so you can be absolutely successful, because you obviously haven't scared this woman off yet if you've gotten this far.

• Bless your heart, but you're way too old for me.
• I know you can't help it, but I don't date anyone over 40.
• I won't date anyone under 30.  I know you can't help it.
• Oh bless your heart, you're 17?! Not young enough.

What could you be doing wrong if you've made it this far? That's right, you're not being sarcastic enough. No, no, no, you're not absolutely being sarcastic enough.

You have to tone up your creepy, sly expressions with every nasty remark you make. You must turn up the sarcasm in your voice. Be obvious. Channel that inner douchebag and you'll come out a winner.

What would make it even better is that you must assume anything that a woman says is obvious so that you can reply sarcastically towards it. Don't just pick and choose what may be obvious because that is subjective to every individual, just assume! Don't allow the woman to think she is helping to carry along a conversation, simply cut her down and do it with a sly face.

Just remember, you are helping the cause of women and men everywhere.  If you look as idiotic as that man to the right, surely you can't fail.

You're getting there.  Now, it's time to ante up your "teasing" and tell her up front that this isn't going to work out.

However, she may have already gotten that by now.  If she hasn't, then all your work has been for naught.  What a shame, although for the other smart guys in the world this is one less nutcase to weed out.

Of course, you must display your immaturity.  The one thing women go crazy over is immaturity.  This is guaranteed to get you very, very lucky.  

In order to lose your dignity (or lose it even more, in this case), you must absolutely play this game with women.  This game is about you acting like you actually tally points of her worthiness.  Yes, her value all lays in your points.

Here are some more things to help you along with this game:

• Oh, your hair isn't pretty enough, you just lost a point.
• Awesome, you like Family Guy? You just got one and a half points.  A half because you screwed up a line.
• You're not wearing revealing clothes.  You lost 500 points.
• You don't smoke? Okay, fine, I'll give you 5 points.

If you've read all of that on AskMen.com, you will see that after every tip they add variations of the following:

• Do it tongue-in-cheek
• Do it gently
• Do it kindly
• Do it playfully

Essentially, you must somehow make all your douchebaggery and cruel remarks package up in a "I'm joking" manner so that you can confuse women and make them fall head over heels into your bed.

AskMen. com says: "If they're not laughing at all, you have some improvements to make or you need to choose women who are more fun and more secure in themselves to spend your time with."

Really? You decide.