All Good Women are Taken

Naren had stepped in to my life as an unexpected shower of happiness and fulfillment. His mere existence in my life gave me enough strength to put up with the broiling heat in my personal life. I used to look forward to meeting Naren whenever we could take time out of our busy schedules. Being a doctor, he had to work under tight schedules and as for me I had to slog as a lawyer, in the court building, from dawn to dusk. A mere sight of him always made me wish (secretly) I had met him before… before Ronny came into my life. I had been married to Ronny for almost eight years.

With each passing day, I could sense the bond between me and Naren getting stronger. Strangely enough, I found nothing wrong in being with him. Normally such relationships (outside marriage) are conventionally seen as the most derogatory ones but I never felt that I was cheating on Ronny as I strongly felt that Ronny wasn’t worth the love, affection, integrity and loyalty I offered him all these years. What had he given me in return of all that I offered him on the platter? Instead of appreciating me for my significant contributions and helping me out of my situation, he had only been instrumental in curbing my individuality and trampling my emotions to the extent that I had literally become a suicidal maniac.

All I knew was, that for the time being, Naren was the only source of happiness in my life and I was not prepared to let go of it at any cost. With him I felt like a love-stricken bird, always waiting to be kissed and loved. We started spending hours together holding hands and sharing love and warmth with each other. His love had given me the power to face the animal inside Ronny, without any retaliation and to absorb his brutal words without getting burnt much.

In a span of just six months, we felt as if we had known each other for years; crossing our parameters and crashing into each other’s arms seemed inevitable. It felt so right with him. He gave me a strange sense of completeness which I had never experienced ever before. It seemed as if all my desires, long since buried, had risen back to life. I felt completely alive and in harmony with every small fragment around me. The feeling of oneness with him was inexplicable.

I felt his presence even when he was not around; I carried his memories to my work, my home, my daily errands and every place where my physical being existed. We had started seeing each other more often than before, and while at home, long telephone conversations had become a daily routine. No matter how much I got out of him, there was some part of me always being left insatiable. I had begun to crave for the unattainable; a longing to spend every single moment of my life with him but deep inside, I knew it was not possible. It was difficult to visualize a life with him but even more difficult was to imagine one without him. He had become a part of me; it seemed as if he lived inside me as a part of my physical and mental being. I was definitely head over heels in love with him but I never made him believe that our relationship had a future.

Naren was already aware of my state of affairs at home and he wondered why I continued living with Ronny. I had told him several times that I did not want my son to get burnt with the splinters of a broken home. Although Naren tried his best to convince me that it would be in the best interest of everyone if I broke up with Ronny and married Naren, I never felt that divorcing Ronny could be a proper recourse.

“I am willing to do all it takes to bring you in my life.” Naren had held my trembling hands in his, and implored me with those desperate eyes which had made me look away from him for a moment.

Somehow I could never visualize myself, my son and Naren, living as a family underneath one roof. This picture didn’t seem right!

It had been almost four months I had been forcing Naren to get the thought of marriage out of his mind. It seemed impossible for him. I had never seen a man crying in my life before, but I did see Naren, bursting into tears amidst all those people in the restaurant. We were having our usual conversation and I was trying to explain to him that it would be better for him if he moved on. I loved him to the extent that I was willing to let him go for his own good. I could not keep him hanging with me for an indefinite period of time. He had his whole life ahead of him and I had no right to take it away from him. From the day I first met him, I knew that he deserved the best, and as such I mustered the courage to ask him to find a nice and suitable match for himself. All the while, I tried hard to look unaffected as I knew that even a single tear rolling down my cheek, would have again drawn him closer to me and in such a crucial and fragile moment, succumbing to our emotions would have proved disastrous. I knew very well that if I lost him I would lose my life but I guess I was destined to make sacrifices for the people I loved the most.

I did my job as promised. Naren’s divorce came through and he was much relieved after I handed over the decree to him. It had taken us almost eighteen months to get what he wanted. (Yes, he had come to me as a client; that’s how we had met)

“So, you are a free bird now. Go and fly.” I said to him the day I handed over the court order to him.

“I don’t want to fly. Cage is better if you are there with me.” He always made it difficult for me to breathe, with his loving words.

“Please, don’t start it.” My choice of words was definitely curt but it was essential for the moment.

“Right. I’m sorry”. He looked down, cleared his throat a bit and said, “I guess I don’t have a right to ask you out for a quick lunch…….so….. let me take your leave”.

I could clearly see that he turned around slowly, expecting me to call him from behind but I did not. I saw him walking through the long corridor of the court building, towards the elevator and my eyes followed him till he turned round a corner and vanished from my sight. In a span of few minutes of watching him leave I had probably dug my nails in the palm of my hand so deep that blood had started oozing out of those tiny cuts. These wounds could at least be seen but no one could see my bleeding heart at that point of time. I could almost hear his words in my mind, loud and clear, which he had once blurted out while holding my hand in an intimate moment.

“Why is it that all good women are taken?”