Happily Single?

Happily Single?

It never ceases to amaze me how a potential partner can be so picture perfect on paper and yet so irreconcilably wrong in the real world. My qualifications or expertise in making this statement is my lifetime membership in every single matchmaking online singles dating site known to womankind. I should have an honorary degree in dating by now; instead I have another 6 month free membership to continue walking the purgatory known as singledom in your 40's. You know you are getting jaded when you look over your latest wink, nod or kiss with the focused objective of trying to figure out if the man who just winked at you might have possibly spent time in prison, is running a scam or has actually buried his last wife in the desert somewhere. It's difficult to remain open-minded at this point! But, open-minded one must be or else all is lost and you might as well hang up your vacation spot in purgatory for a little cottage in hell.


But, I tell myself that studies have been done, dissertations have been written and now it seems that the American woman is more than happy to never have walked the aisle of matrimony, that she is finally liberated from the inbred honing mechanism that leads us to the words "till death do us part". We, are now, supposed to be HAPPY in our single lives, happy that we never met prince charming or having met him and found that he really does revert back to the toad after a few years, are glad to escort him back to the pond scum we found him in. Somehow I have an uneasy feeling about all these studies, or maybe it's just me, maybe on top of still being single at 45 I am also not evolved enough to actually want to remain single. So, now not only am I single, 45 and dating but I am also unhappily single, which is to admit that I am not progressive, I am not a strong, successful, liberated, happily, single woman. I really would like to find prince charming and fall in love and live happily ever after. I feel as if I should be in an AA meeting admitting my inability to find happiness as a successful single woman and maybe if I admit it then I will begin my first step on my journey to overcoming my discontent and therefore evolve into a happily married 40 something year old woman.

Nevertheless, I trudge on in the hopes of finding that pot of gold, that silver lining or just another middle-aged soul searching the world for his mate.

That's not to say that singledom doesn't have it's advantages. I don't have to put up with loud snoring every single night, I can sleep with my dog if I want to and I don't ever have to consult someone regarding major purchases. Yes, there are advantages, I'm just not certain that the advantages outweigh the perks. For now, I will continue to tell myself how happy I am that I'm single and maybe in the near future I'll actually start to believe it.

Are you happy being single?

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Comments 46 comments

LondonGirl profile image

LondonGirl 7 years ago from London

Very best of luck with your quest.


Brie Hoffman profile image

Brie Hoffman 7 years ago from Manhattan Author

Thanks for writing.


Peter 7 years ago

Where are the happy couples? I'm 46 and amongst my peers it's divorce, substance abuse (they married drunks/druggies), compulsive spending...you name it.

At work, I've lost track of the folks cheating. One b*stard even cheating on his wife AND his mistress.

As lonely as I might be at times, as jaded as dating can make you, I cannot think of anyone in a long term relationship w/ whom I would swap places.

I think it speaks to a deep lack of spiritual fulfillment in this society rather than problems between the sexes.


Brie Hoffman profile image

Brie Hoffman 7 years ago from Manhattan Author

Thanks for the response Peter, you should read my other blog on "Why Pornography is Bad for Men". I think that might have something to do with it.


ReuVera profile image

ReuVera 7 years ago from USA

Why do you have to do it on the first place? You don’t look so desperate at all.

Reading your hubs I’ve got an impression that you trust God. So give in into His hands. Just help him a little- take a piece of paper, write down all your expectations of what your half should be, sketch him in words. Then visualize him in your mind. And start praying. From all you heart. You don’t have to look for him, God will take care of this for you and your destined one will appear in front of you some day, just don’t miss him.

I am not joking. I am very serious.


Brie Hoffman profile image

Brie Hoffman 7 years ago from Manhattan Author

Well, I just hope He hurries up since it would be nice to meet him before I am a senior citizen!


ReuVera profile image

ReuVera 7 years ago from USA

Do your part and believe that yous will not pass you.


majicat profile image

majicat 7 years ago

Brie,

I am stuck by the contrasts in the subtext of your post and the responses. Not that the subtext is deliberate. I too and single in my forties and have run the gauntlet as you have. this unconscious expectation of the sexes, jaded by the worlds they live in.

The men, most of whom have fed on a steady diet of porn, the visual sexual drivel that rakes in millions. Man wanting that woman who is the picture of the porn star; an absolute whore in bed that will love every act, even the most degrading. Men wanting that women with the impossible to maintain, out of proportion, silicone enhanced flawless body, the perfect hair, perfect glowing skin of centerfold glossy.

it is an impossible to live up to standard, small wonder there are so many single women. Most mens image of the perfect woman is utter and complete bull-shit

AND the women, most of whom have fed on a steady diet the emotional drivel of the romance novel, the soap opera and the fantasy romantic chick flicks that rake in millions. THEY want the image of the chiseled featured, Fabio knight in shining armor who will lord it over them with unbridled, dedicated to only them Passion. they want the perfect mix of the dangerous bad-boy and the devoted love struck little boy who brings them flowers constantly and opens each and every door. That one who is worshipful in the bedroom, that one impossible to find man who makes every guy bow and every girl squeal.

It is an impossible to live up to standard, Small wonder there are so many single men. Most women's image of the the perfect man is utter and complete bull-shit.

Unable to find that Amazon of their imago, the men revert to more of what has ruined them for a real relationship, visual world of eye candy. and the women theirs; the emotion candy of magical romance. both expecting their perfect mate just beyond the next bend.

Sorry, the real world just isn't like that. Every single prince charming is going to turn back into a frog and not live up to the bull-shit, just like every woman's hot perky tits are going to sag as they age. if you want a real relationship it is time to abandon the fantasy bull-shit and grow the fuck up.


majicat profile image

majicat 7 years ago

I came back and read what I wrote here yesterday. It is not like me to trespass but sometimes I just find myself over the line. The "Grow the fuck up" Comment was not directed at you personally, Brie, but at single people in general, myself included. Being single at this stage of the game is a very difficult thing.

A thousand Pardons Mem Sahib


Brie Hoffman profile image

Brie Hoffman 7 years ago from Manhattan Author

Yes, I realized that, otherwise I wouldn't have allowed it! Thanks for making it clear though.


majicat profile image

majicat 7 years ago

my mouth gets me into so much trouble


Brie Hoffman profile image

Brie Hoffman 7 years ago from Manhattan Author

I can relate.


MattUSAF2525 profile image

MattUSAF2525 7 years ago

I'm not sure how to explain this, but I think you can compare compatablility to music. In the 50's there was rock, country and big band. If there were more..I wouldn't know. Today there's too many to name. And I think that with womens lib and equality, along with the loss of religion, people are more different now then ever. When you date someone new, you have to start all over, and that can be very frustrating. You have to ask them what they like: movies, music, tv, church, politics, careers, kids..etc. And it is IMPOSSIBLE to find someone who will match you in all of those things. But some people settle for less, and end up divorced. Saying "put it in Gods hands he'll take care of it" is just an crutch to keep yourself from hurting. Truth is, if i remember this correctly, "it is good to give a man a fish, it is better to teach him how to fish". It's all about the chase, the adventure, the thrill of not knowing if you might meet them tomorrow. Like the Rebe McEntire song "somebody". A great song you have to hear.


Brie Hoffman profile image

Brie Hoffman 7 years ago from Manhattan Author

I'll look that song up, right now I'm listening to Adam Lambert's "Mad World", a very sad song indeed.


air major - sky pilot 7 years ago

dear brie

thank you for your honesty. im sure a lot of people feel the way you do. the encouragement to stop trying is good. waiting on God we see what he has created in us. to lament our fate is doubt in his sovreignty who called you into these good works. having done all...stand. may the Lord bless you according to his ability...


Shelly Nun-Chucks profile image

Shelly Nun-Chucks 7 years ago from worldwide

omg Brie, I just joined this site and I constantly am networking, and right now I don't think I can post a picture yet, but I do have a facebook account under Shelly Nun-Chucks Finnegan.

Don't worry about being single, I am 39 and I am working on my dream of working with my idol Jackie Chan.

I am originaly from Boston Massachussetts but moved to another state, where I work with a family film production company called Unicovia.

I am a Boston actress who does her own type of fight scenes and stunts.

I have done quite a few things, music videos, films, theatre, but my biggest dream is to work with Jackie Chan.

I just moved to the other state and started getting up at 5:30 a.m. to train with real live ninja's.

Yes I am single, but I have surrounded myself with people who are like me and the best thing in the world, I was adopted into this film company and the owner, AHURA Z, has become my big brother, who is an accomplished Martial Artist and so many different fields and is also an accomplished professional musician and yes he and his wife, daughter and others have made their own film production company.

We don't have to have any nudity or swearing in our films and we work with children too.

Like my idol Jackie Chan, I constantly have children following me around and so I know I blessed by god and buddha, to be graced with the presence of so many children.

Unicovia producitons is an independent film company, and our first feature is called "ANIKRYUA", and Ahura wrote and composed the music.

The budget was under 900 dollars and I have to say, I was very lucky enough to play 3 characters, a warrior woman, a taxi cab driver, and the best one, a black minion.

I actually have my real very first fight scene, and in the trailer, you actually can find it, go to you tube, look up Ahura Z and then you can see the Anikryua trailer, and it is a two minute trailer, about the one minute mark, my big brother pulls out a sword, and look to the left for a tall, figure in black----looks like a man, guess again, yes that's me with my nun-chucks and that scene was actually kind of painful.

But my point to all this, just because we, women, get close to 40, it does not mean, our time is done, or we should go live under a rock, just cause we never have had kids, or are not married.

I am 39 years of age, and my life is getting better and I get to work on my dreams.

Yes, training, and yes, I have had a few years of training in a martial art called Capoeira, is alot of hard work, but it's worth it.

So please don't ever look down upon yourself, because you don't have a man in your life.

Surround yourself, with people who are like yourself and maybe when you least expect, and not thinking about, someone special could possibly pop into your life when you least expect it.

If you do have a facebook account, do look me up, Shelly Nun-Chucks Finnegan, at least I have a picture on my profile and you can see my other work too.

I hope both god and buddha helps you along your journey for your happiness.


Chris 6 years ago

An observation: Is this really the mentality of some (many) women? Reread the graf near the beginning of the article: "You know you are getting jaded when..." Do some women really think that guys are scammers, ex-cons, or murderers? If that's how you think, no wonder you're single. It's possible that our authoress was writing tongue in cheek. I doubt it, though.


El Delo 6 years ago

While I might have worded it differently, I believe majicat hit the nail on the head, as far as it goes.

I believe the porn issue so many women go on about is a red herring.

When it comes to heing/sheing, men tend to be more physical/visual and women tend to more cerebral/emotional/etc.

So of course, when men cannot find satisfactory relationships they tend to walk off into fantasy-land, which for them is the visual/physical realm.

However, as majicat points out that's really no different than when women feed their fantasies with equally unrealistic models of men and male behavior in romance novels and chic flicks and so on.

I personally believe a big part of the problem is expectations.

I once saw a couple interviewed at a luncheon. They had spent decades in Africa as missionaries and yet had also achieved good financial success (given that they lived most the year in dirt-floored huts), had both achieved college degrees, and along the way they had given birth to, raised, saw to the education of six kids who had also turned out well.

When asked what their secret to success was, they responded together saying: "To lower your expectations and increase you appreciation."

The wife went out to point out that by lowering your expectations, you create a world where it's easier for others (notably your SO or spouse) to exist and function effectively close to you, which in turn makes it easier for both, and so a positive feedback is set up in this relatipnship, one in which support and cooperation and etc are the norm, rather than tension etc.

Those are my words, it's been a decade or more now and I don't recall the exact wording, that's how I internalized what was said.


gouki 6 years ago

I wish you the best of luck and choice on your journey to be happily married.

i am a guy in my late twenties and I am jaded already.

Constantly being put into the friend zone I just said screw it. I refuse to try anymore.

I just enjoy the conversation and the activities and leave it at that.

And I studied several self discipline methods to turn my desire off so that is not a problem either.

I think majicat does have a strong point with the whole 'fantasy' thing being a barrier to relationships.

And I hear so many people with these long lists of the 'perfect' person. quite a few of them I know end up with leeches.

Brie, I have read several of your articles.

And it seems you have your mental stuff polished at least.

I think you will succeed.

Ciao


Brie Hoffman profile image

Brie Hoffman 6 years ago from Manhattan Author

To Everyone who has commented in the last 2 months: For some reason my email notification was off so I wasn't notified when you wrote your comments. Thanks for commenting and I'm sorry I wasn't able to respond in a timely manner.


Justcallmeleroy 6 years ago

Brie, Christian Mingle.com I think is where I met my wife now I put a current picture and told them all no sex until marriage. And I stated my dedication to my Lord Jesus Christ. I tried a few others before I got serious with the Lord. All I got on those other sites where people that said one thing and did another and they all wanted to go to Bed. That was all they were looking for. It had been over 28 years for me and I was like a kid in a candy store. I saw real quick I had to go about this with the Lord's Help. Amen


Brie Hoffman profile image

Brie Hoffman 6 years ago from Manhattan Author

Thanks, I will definitely look into it, thanks again!


MikeNV profile image

MikeNV 6 years ago from Henderson, NV

Men can not distinguish love from sex. And in general people want the fantasy... they want the perfect mate. They are not looking for companionship. They are not looking for friendship. They are looking for that person that suits their own selfish wants... not even necessarily needs.

We don't love someone because of how we make THEM feel, we love someone because of the way they make US feel.

It's a strange game. The reality is most people even those in marriages and relationships spend most of their time unhappy with what they have and looking for something more.


Brie Hoffman profile image

Brie Hoffman 6 years ago from Manhattan Author

I guess the grass is always greener, huh!


Harlan Colt profile image

Harlan Colt 6 years ago from the Rocky Mountains

I've always had the idea that women expect and operate under the pretense that men don't have or are not supposed to have feelings, that it is ok for women to stomp all over men because they are supposed to be tough. I think it was a FRIENDS episode where Danny DeVito showed up as a male-cop/stripper and the women said something to insult him. When they realized he was offended, they didn't understand why and were shocked he was offended. He replied, "Surprise, the hunk of meat has feelings." For some reason, that line/scene has always stuck in my mind, I guess I found it empirical.

Regardless Brie, you seem like an awesome catch to me. Some lucky guy is out there waiting for you too. El Delo made a good point about expectations. Maybe if we simply had the expectation of "love me unconditionally, the rest we can iron out," we'd all be a lot more successful.

You're always welcome to come shovel horse poo with Harlan!

Every Manhattan girls dream... I know. LOL

Best wishes Brie.


Brie Hoffman profile image

Brie Hoffman 6 years ago from Manhattan Author

Thanks Harlan, you never know I do love animals!


foreignpress 6 years ago from Denver

A little cottage in hell, indeed! I've come to believe that everything that happens to each of us is for a reason. God's timing is perfect. I've learned that first-hand. Be patient. You've had an interesting life. But the best part of your life has yet to begin.


Brie Hoffman profile image

Brie Hoffman 6 years ago from Manhattan Author

Ok, maybe I was being a bit overly dramatic there!


BDazzler profile image

BDazzler 6 years ago from Gulf Coast, USA

MikeNV ... Speak for yourself! Trust me I KNOW the difference!

Brie, there is one thing that gave me comfort when everybody kept telling me I "should" be "happy" in this singleness ...

In Genesis, before the fall, God said, "It is not good to be alone". I am living in a situation that God called "not good" ... you know what? I'm OK with not being happy about that!


Brie Hoffman profile image

Brie Hoffman 6 years ago from Manhattan Author

Good to know that there are others out there like me!


dan 6 years ago

as a single man i have to say i like doing my own thing... i would marry the right girl... just haven't met her yet! .. and if you can't be happy alone you probably can't be happy in a relationship either.. [probably why divorce rate is so high!] problem for me is i always get the line.. you would make a great husband if you were tall .. oh well if you are ever in seattle post a note here...


ken 6 years ago

The unreal expectations that we each put on the other has much to do with the way things are now. Too much on eye candy looks and material things and not enough on what lies in the heart.


Nikko 6 years ago

Well maybe me and you can date and be together.Im 39 brie.You give me your heart and i give you mine at the same time.Im looking for a good friend and more too if i find a women who has a heart like mine.A heart of real love and gold,and real gold never fades.Looking at your picture and seeing your face,your beautiful,pretty,sexy and cute,all rolled up into one.But are you like that in the inside?your heart?..Thats what matters to me more,your inner heart and personality..You can be the beautifullist in the world,but if your heart bad,you ugly to me..And far as dating sites,i will say the people on them sites are crazy and 99% of them are BS.its rare to find that 1% thats good and loving hearted..not fake or phony.so,we can become special friends and if u interested in more that could be possible.but i like to have fun


Jim Court 6 years ago

An epidemic of narcissism is upon us and these individuals will never have constructive relationships. I, me, mine. Lets talk just about me, forget about you. They are fragile, probably have multiple addictions, must be the center of attention, take but do not give, chronically dissatisfied, a huge entitlement mentality. Hollywood, politicians, many artists, supposed leaders, con-men everywhere. They will drain you emotionally and financially and have no ability to empathize. Sad, very sad.


Brie Hoffman profile image

Brie Hoffman 6 years ago from Manhattan Author

(2 Timothy 3:1,2) This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come. For men shall be lovers of their own selves...


msorensson profile image

msorensson 6 years ago

Great hub Brie..

It is human nature to desire companionship, friendship, sex. I think it really depends on one's stage in life.

I emailed a good friend about this a few months ago. He is rich and famous and successful in every aspect of his life..and he too feels lonely sometime.

As his work required him to travel everywhere in the world, there was a woman waiting there..literally..when he went..

He was in love..the woman waited for 5 years..he did not want to be in an exclusive relationship and be tied down to one. Now she is gone and that was it..he is now lonely..still the same rich and famous..but lonely.

Who knows whether he made the right or wrong choice.

We make choices every moment of our lives.

We have to live with the consequences of our choices.


Brie Hoffman profile image

Brie Hoffman 6 years ago from Manhattan Author

Seems a bit cowardly of the man..imho. In any case, thanks for the comments.


msorensson profile image

msorensson 6 years ago

A couple of friends have told me this oh actually three..so I can write it "I'm too rich to get married" lol...

They do not want to get married because they do not love the woman enough...imho..


Brie Hoffman profile image

Brie Hoffman 6 years ago from Manhattan Author

That's like saying I'm too rich to fall in love, sad state of affairs. So instead of giving and receiving full devotion they settle for shallow love or worse yet to use another person.

Maybe that's why people who are rich aren't happy. I would take poverty and love over wealth and loneliness any day.


msorensson profile image

msorensson 6 years ago

"I would take poverty and love over wealth and loneliness any day"

My sentiments, exactly :-)


Nikko 6 years ago

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12....9 Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their hard work. 10 For if one of them should fall, the other one can raise his partner up. But how will it be with just the one who falls when there is not another to raise him up?

11 Moreover, if two lie down together, they also will certainly get warm; but how can just one keep warm? 12 And if somebody could overpower one alone, two together could make a stand against him. And a threefold cord cannot quickly be torn in two.

I wonder how many of you know what this mean especially the last sentance??I will glady explain if not.But tell me please...But we all need a companion,lover,best friend,man + women to become one.Not man and man or women and women..No no no.Just a union with what GOD made us to be.


Hollander Price 6 years ago

As a Christian single man in the army, I don't forsee ever dating anyone until I get out. Ive dated in the past, but each time me and her were just trying to please ourselves. I've let myself be destroyed by insecure women seeking physical pleasure. Everyday I suffer from loneliness, but I find great joy in my single life just praying and reading God's word. Others see me and know I am content. I guess this is a type of witness? It's weird to know that even spending time in the place I dread, the Lord uses and strengthens me.

Next time around I want to start a relationship off by becoming a friend first, helping each other and serving the Lord side by side, and then when we are more comfortable get more and more romantically involved.

I know many very great relationships that have endured through horrible match breakers like porn, infidelity, drug use, and alcoholism. The reason was because both parties were equally yoked, had a firm foundation before accelerating their relationship (only fools rush in), had great communication, wore their emotions on their shoulders (and only with each other), never ran away from arguments and always tried to come to loving conclusion, were ready to forgive, had patience (women and men don't speak the same language), and always made time to love each other and help each other with their needs. That seems like alot, but if you love each other and are willing to marry one another you should take the time to make it work. The two become one, which means you take care of him or her as you would take care of yourself.

Wow I am venting. I guess this is me hour. Some more of that selfishness.

Anyways Brie your an awesome girl and I'm sure there's someone like you waiting to meet you. And even if you don't find that person and die alone, I'm sure you're not going to care when you're living it up in eternity with the Lord.

Stay sweet!

HP


Brie Hoffman profile image

Brie Hoffman 6 years ago from Manhattan Author

What a nice rant :)


Hollander Price 6 years ago

Actually I agree with what was said about how pornography corrupts men's mentality. It's true, and I know that wether we notice it or not, pornography and he addiction to it drastically skews our opinions, expectations, and attitudes toward women.


Brie Hoffman profile image

Brie Hoffman 6 years ago from Manhattan Author

Thanks for the comments Hollander.


crystolite profile image

crystolite 5 years ago from Houston TX

Brie,i so much i appreciate it a lot for publishing this article.Actually,i don't think there is an atom of happiness when one is single.Meaning,those who has reached the age of being married and have or the divorced ones.We all know that two is better than one so how can i be in agreement that singles are happy.It depends on the understanding of the people involve because i believe that it takes a lot of wisdom and tolerance if i may say to mingle with someone and for you to mingle we all have to deprive ourselves pf some certain things.

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