Active Listening for Effective Communication

“A wise old owl sat on an oak; The more he saw the less he spoke; The less he spoke the more he heard; Why aren't we like that wise old bird?”--Edward H. Richards

We all need to learn to listen well. Listening is a learned skill, the same as speaking in public. It just takes much longer to learn! Listening is a skill we should be practicing daily. And I mean active practicing, not just listening when and how is convenient to us. Listening is a free affirmation to others in this world that they are important.

"To say that a person feels listened to means a lot more than just their ideas get heard. It's a sign of respect. It makes people feel valued."--Deborah Tannen, Author and Professor of Linguistics, Georgetown University

Conversation has two parts: conversing and listening. Some one must speak, but more importantly someone must listen. We can speak, but without the listener we are just talking to ourselves. Having someone listen to our words give them greater relevance, it imparts greater meaning, it makes us feel more important. Having someone listen is affirmation that our existence is worthwhile. It is a positive affirmation of "I am valued because you listened".

"I only wish I could find an institute that teaches people how to listen. Business people need to listen at least as much as they need to talk. Too many people fail to realize that real communication goes in both directions."--Lee Iacocca, Former CEO Chrysler Corporation

"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much."--Robert Greenleaf

Why should you listen?  Listening is the most important part of any conversation.  Without someone to listen, we are all just talking to ourselves.  Since we already know what we know, this is an amazingly useless task.


It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt . -- George Eliot

Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding. -- Bible, 'Proverbs' 17:28.

There are many reasons to listen. People may often mock you for what you say, but never when you listen. To listen is to gain knowledge. It is to understand another, whether or not they understand you. It is more important to understand than to be understood. True communication only occurs with understanding.

People want to be listened to. Most people prefer to talk than to listen. A good talker is often considered a bore, but a good listener is always sought after. But listening provides benefit to the listener also. You cannot learn while talking, but you can learn if you listen.

"A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he gets to know something."—Wilson Mizner

"Wisdom is the reward for a lifetime of listening ... when you'd have preferred to talk."— D.J. Kaufman

"I remind myself every morning: Nothing I say this day will teach me anything. So if I'm going to learn, I must do it by listening."— Larry King

If you listen you will learn many things.  You may learn how someone else feels.  You may learn how to make money.  You may learn...anything!  You cannot learn unless you listen.  You never learn when you talk.

Many countries have sayings about the importance of listening. Let us look at some:

“To listen well, is as powerful a means of influence as to talk well, and is as essential to all true conversation”--Chinese proverb

"Who speaks, sows; Who listens, reaps."— Argentine Proverb

Much silence makes a powerful noise.--African proverb

Listen or thy tongue will keep thee deaf.--Native American

From listening comes wisdom, and from speaking repentance.--Italian Proverb

Obviously many people find listening very important to understanding. Listening seems to be a very good and worthwhile thing, while talking seems to lead to pain.

"Today, communication itself is the problem. We have become the world's first overcommunicated society. Each year we send more and receive less."--Al Ries

"It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of supersophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners."--Erma Bombeck

So much of the world's misunderstanding occurs because people do not know how to listen. People tend to hear one part of a statement and then stop listening. Whether this is because they disagree with what they heard, or because only one part agrees with their personal views, they stop communicating when they stop listening.

It is easy to tell your opinion. It is much harder to listen to some one else's. True communication comes from listening not talking. Communication is the exchange of ideas, not a one sided dissertation. Arguments often occur from misunderstandings caused by lack of listening.

"When you are arguing with a fool, make sure he isn't doing the same thing."--Unknown

"When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen."--Ernest Hemingway

How do you practice listening? Here are some basic rules:

  1. Turn off your cell phone. There is nothing more disheartening than trying to converse with someone only to have their cell phone ring and you get put on hold while they answer. I can remember the days when you were only put on hold if you were the person on the phone. Now it seems as if every call is more important than the person in front of you.
  2. Put down what ever was in your hands. Are you in the middle of writing something? Put down the pen and fold your hands. Are you reading something. Close it so that you are not tempted to look down and start reading again. Then put it down.
  3. Turn off or away from your computer. The computer will distract you from your job at hand...listening.
  4. After you have rid yourself from distractions, face the person you are speaking with. Facing the person you are speaking with will help you to focus completely on listening. It also will acknowledge the person who is speaking, helping them to understand that you find what they are saying important.
  5. Do not fidget. Fidgeting gives the appearance that you do not want to listen. Most likely, you do not want to, nor do you have time to listen. Just believe me when I say that fidgeting will make the conversation last longer.
  6. Be aware of your body language. Didn't know your body spoke? Sometimes it not only speaks, but it shouts. Leaning into the speaker will show interest. Crossing you arms in front of your chest relays negativity. Looking around the room displays disinterest. Tapping your fingers informs the speaker that you are really too busy for them. Smiling is a positive affirmation. It tells the speaker you are open and accepting of their views. Looking the speaker in the eye (not staring) tells them that they are important.
  7. Listen completely. Do not start making judgements after the first few words. Do not start forming your reply in your mind. Pay attention to the speaker. Really listen to what they are telling you.

"Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something."--Plato

Have you ever been around that person who chatters and chatters. Every moment...more useless chatter. Some people enjoy this...it fill the silence. Most people who are comfortable with themselves would prefer silence. The busyness of chatter takes time away from their own thoughts. They begin to feel the chatterer is frivolous and empty-headed.

The chatterer may feel they are breaking an awkward silence. Not every one is comfortable with their own thoughts. The incessant chatter is like a background noise that drowns out thoughts and feeling. You could compare it to turning the TV to static to help drown out the world if you need to sleep during the day. However, these poor people are trying to drown out the interior world as opposed to the exterior world.

"The saddest part about being human is not paying attention. Presence is the gift of life."—Stephen Levine

"Listening is an attitude of the heart, a genuine desire to be with another which both attracts and heals."--J. Isham

"If we can change ourselves, we can change the world. We're not the victims of the world we see; we're the victims of the way we see the world. This is the essence of compassionate listening: seeing the person next to you as a part of yourself."--Dennis Kucinich

"Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force. The friends who listen to us are the ones we move toward. When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand."— Karl Menninger

Maybe this should have been entitled "How to Make Yourself Attactive". It seems listening wil bring people to you. You will be popular if you can listen to others. When you listen, people will want to be around you.

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24 comments

mamakaren 7 years ago

Isn't it interesting that God gave us two ears but only one mouth?

Hesitate to pontificate, but be quick to listen!


R Burow profile image

R Burow 7 years ago from Florida, United States

Kari,

Thanks for the reminder. Listening is not always easy, but is always profitable. I like the pictures, especially the ones of the 'listening' dogs. You hit one out of the park with this one.


Hawkesdream profile image

Hawkesdream 7 years ago from Cornwall

Came across your first quote, 'wise old owl' the other day and have been thinking how to incorporate into a hub, You have achieved this with such skill , a pleasure to read.


l1blonde profile image

l1blonde 7 years ago

Great Hub. There is nothing like talking to somebody knowing that they are not listening. I am going to start working on listening to others.


dimitri roussos profile image

dimitri roussos 7 years ago from Durham, N.C.

Great message and I like the quotes too.


Jmell profile image

Jmell 7 years ago from El Paso, Texas, USA

Superb! Listening and multitasking are NOT compatible.


nazishnasim 7 years ago

You are one of the very few people who when publish a hub, they attract attention automatically! Great hub :D


mayhmong profile image

mayhmong 7 years ago from North Carolina

After reading this, I just realized what a horrible listener I was! I'll keep those tip in mind. After looking through that video of the bobblehead listening coach, first thing, she said was to sit up straight, and I jump up and sat straight right away. LOL


k@ri profile image

k@ri 7 years ago from Sunny Southern California Author

Mom, I try every day to listen more than I speak!

R Burow, Thanks! I really loved the dog picture myself.

Hawkesdream, You are much, much too kind!

l1 blonde, I try to work on it daily...it is not the easiest thing in the world to do. :D

dimitri, I read the request and looked up the quotes...listening is very important in life, but very hard. Thanks!

Jmell, LOL, no not very compatible at all! My boss likes to tell us, "I'll just be looking at my computer. But I'm listening." Makes me laugh on the inside every time! :D

nazishnasim, Thank you very, very much...I try very hard, but not all have attracted so much attention!

May, I have never noticed that you are a bad listener! You seem to listen very well. I loved the bobblehead coach...I do that! LOL! But then again, as a nurse, I have had much training in listening skills. It's one of the main things we do, after all. I'm glad you liked it!


tony0724 profile image

tony0724 7 years ago from san diego calif

whaddya say k@ri ?


k@ri profile image

k@ri 7 years ago from Sunny Southern California Author

tony, CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? LOL!


Haunty profile image

Haunty 7 years ago from Hungary

They say that in the US the first person to draw breath is doomed to be the listener.


James A Watkins profile image

James A Watkins 7 years ago from Chicago

I enjoyed reading this Hub today.  You put it together nicely and your advice is spot on.  This should be disseminated far and wide—if THEY would listen!  :)


k@ri profile image

k@ri 7 years ago from Sunny Southern California Author

Haunty, You say doomed as if it is bad to be the listener. :D

James, Much easier said than done, that's for sure! It is a difficult task, one I have spent years (and will continue to spend years) on trying to learn. LOL, I hope it's not hopeless for me.


maggs224 profile image

maggs224 7 years ago from Sunny Spain

i really enjoyed reading this hub, one side effect of being a good listener I have found is being thought of as wise. I actually like listening and like you said 'If you listen you will learn many things.' which is so much more interesting than just re telling what you already know. Great hub I am going to see what else you have written now


k@ri profile image

k@ri 7 years ago from Sunny Southern California Author

maggs, Thanks for stopping by! I agree, much better to be the listener!


droj profile image

droj 7 years ago from CNY

"Arguments often occur from misunderstandings caused by lack of listening". Arguments, fights, grudges, prejudice, hate, war...

What if the person you're listening to is the chatterer? *shudder*


k@ri profile image

k@ri 7 years ago from Sunny Southern California Author

droj, The lack of listening is what causes the chatterer, but I agree they can be difficult to put up with. My son becomes a chatterer if I don't listen well enough. I have to consciously remember to start asking him questions before it drives me crazy! :S


lxxy profile image

lxxy 7 years ago from Beneath, Between, Beyond

I love this k@ri! Sooo many great quotes, and such a useful thing.

Time to take this to DC, tie up all the politicians, and kill the lobbyists. ;)


k@ri profile image

k@ri 7 years ago from Sunny Southern California Author

lxxy, Thank you so much. If one of your extreme extraterrestrial knowledge thinks it is useful, maybe some of us lowly humans will listen (finally). I'm in the DC area, how do you think I should get to them to tie them up? If we were talking 10 or 20 years ago, I would know how, but I am older now. Do you have any good ideas on the lobbyists? (Don't forget Bones lives here!! And I wouldn't want to be caught.) LOL!


Kevin Moffatt 7 years ago

Hi, Are there any hubbers out there who can comment on a listening project i am working on. I believe listening is a skill which is affected by individual personality traits in the same way any other taught subject is. So i am trying to assess if children should be taught listening as a specific curricula skill to learn in the same way as math, writing and reading. I am proposing to set a questionnaire to educationalists as far and as wide as i can get to, to produce a concluding result. I am hoping to raise an awareness to the fact that many billions of Dollars the world over are spent on teaching adults in the workplace how to listen so that businesses can be more efficient and this therefore suggests that there is a definate need to teach listening and make the skill of listening more appreciated and as early on in a childs life as possible. Would love to hear any feedback and thoughts.


k@ri profile image

k@ri 7 years ago from Sunny Southern California Author

Kevin, I believe listening is a learned skill, and not the easiest skill to learn. To actually listen and understand another person is hard because we all communicate slightly different. It's important to listen to a combination of words, tone, inflection and body language. I think you are onto something. :D


DreamingBoomer profile image

DreamingBoomer 2 years ago from Jackson, MS

I thought about doing a Hubpage on this topic, but decided to search first. I'm so glad I did! Not only did you cover everything I would have said, but much more! You reminded me of a few habits I still need to break myself. Thanks for covering such an important topic! Sharing!


k@ri profile image

k@ri 2 years ago from Sunny Southern California Author

Thank you!

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