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Elephants make the best pets!

Updated on May 7, 2016
Have your own circus!
Have your own circus! | Source

If you want to really enjoy the experience of having a companion animal, helpmate and best friend all rolled into one, you can’t do better than getting an elephant.

For starters, you will finally silence that neighbor’s yappy dog that keeps disrupting your weekday afternoon naps. Just an occasional full-trunked trumpet from your pachyderm pal, and that mutt will certainly think twice before making another yip.

And your new companion will fit right in, with its monochromatic hide blending quite well with that Euro-techno mélange of black, silver, white and grey that you’ve slathered across walls, ceilings and furnishings. Besides, having an elephant for a pet is like having your own circus! Imagine the fun you’ll have marking off three great rings in the back yard lawn, collecting several bucks a head for each by-passing stranger, and displaying your best ringmaster imitation to the rapt crowd. (All you’ll be missing is the calliope!)

Your elephantine friend will stick around. With a typical lifespan of from 50 to 70 years, your buddy will be by your side all the way to Sunny Dells Claustrophobic Condos for the World-Wearily Incontinent.

Enlist your large mammalian friend in the concoction of all sorts of wondrous culinary treats! Tortillas, fresh pressed olive oil, pancakes, flatbreads, pizzas, pie crusts — you’ll be fashioning them all in a mere fraction of the time with the aid of your ambulatory four-legged food press. (Also handy when you finally get around to placing the sand bed for that brick-paver patio you’ve been talking about for the last seven years.)

Say howdy to a howdah! Find yourself one of those fancy strap-aboard sedan chairs and essay your town from atop the rolling ponderous gait of your multi-ton beast. For good measure, be sure to also invest in a broad bamboo-handled fan — preferably of peacock feathers of iridescent blue.

Think how household chores will be simplified by your new housemate. Replacing the chandelier bulbs in the front foyer just got a lot easier, as did washing the oriel window above the garage door, and cleaning the gutters above the sloping back yard. Knocking over the occasional dead tree becomes a breeze, and should you have any large-scale logging to undertake, you’re covered there, too. Those stiff bristly hairs occasionally shed from your mammoth’s head, back and posterior make for a durable and efficient all-purpose scrub brush (provided they’ve been amply deodorized first, of course). And forget trying to drag out that old cracked and flattened hose from under the carcass of that defunct riding mower the next time you want to wash the car; just have ol’ hose-nose lend a hand (er. . . snout).

Unlike your malcontent siblings, demanding teenagers, loopy parents, and thoroughly annoying cousins, your big gray companion will never forget your birthday or anniversary or driver’s license renewal year! Or where you last left your car keys. Or which houseplant proves tastiest. Or what was the name of that boozy blond you got entirely too familiar with at the company Christmas party back in 1998. Or which cupboard contains the 80-pound sack of forage.

You’ll never fear strolling through tiger-infested jungle grass again. You’ll no longer have to worry about your pet running free in the park and getting lost till long after dark. And imagine the sheer glee of stomping loudly around the dining table blowing off steam!

Tired of fighting through crowds to order a drink at the bar or to get in the queue for that hot new film premier? Trust me, your new mate will be quite adept at parting the mass of humanity for you.

And, hey, feeding your thick-skinned friend — why, mere peanuts! Find many more exotic creatures at rickzworld.

Great domestic pet!
Great domestic pet! | Source
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    • rickzimmerman profile imageAUTHOR

      rickzimmerman 

      5 years ago from Northeast Ohio

      Thanks, Sunnie & Ruchira! Who knows? Perhaps someday I'll own a circus, or a zoo, or a wildlife park, or an elephant rehab center . . .?

    • profile image

      Sunnie Day 

      5 years ago

      lol Very cute hub and I love Elephants! The cleaning up after them would make a great compost pile and bet we could even make some money off the large amounts of compost...Love the drawing too...Against them being used in the circus but part of the family...why not?

      Thanks Rick for an enjoyable read.

      Sunnie

    • Ruchira profile image

      Ruchira 

      5 years ago from United States

      you have listed all the great ideas of having this little guy as a pet. My kid is all yay for it :) unfortunately, our living space is little so, gotta opt out of it.

      funny hub and very creative indeed. UP +++

      sharing it across

    • rickzimmerman profile imageAUTHOR

      rickzimmerman 

      6 years ago from Northeast Ohio

      P7: Ain't it great what you can achieve with Photoshop? (says the graffiti artist from the 60s . . .)

    • Paradise7 profile image

      Paradise7 

      6 years ago from Upstate New York

      I loved the copy in this article but felt very sorry for the poor elephant that apparently got spray-painted by a graffiti artist from the 60's.u

    • rickzimmerman profile imageAUTHOR

      rickzimmerman 

      6 years ago from Northeast Ohio

      Hey, C1W: Cleaning up after one elephant is no worse than cleaning up after 274 cats. . .

    • CASE1WORKER profile image

      CASE1WORKER 

      6 years ago from UNITED KINGDOM

      This did make me laugh, sounds an ideal pet but I am not too sure that I would like to clean up after it.

    • rickzimmerman profile imageAUTHOR

      rickzimmerman 

      6 years ago from Northeast Ohio

      Dave: maybe your photo is a bit deceptive, but I'm assuming you have a rather large lap? (and some pretty strong legs?) heh, heh

    • rickzimmerman profile imageAUTHOR

      rickzimmerman 

      6 years ago from Northeast Ohio

      Hey, snag! The one drawback I forgot to mention: the plastic hand-bags for picking up pet litter are quite a bit larger than you might be used to.

    • Davesworld profile image

      Davesworld 

      6 years ago from Cottage Grove, MN 55016

      I always wanted a lap-elephant.

    • snagerries profile image

      snagerries 

      6 years ago from Singapore

      I have never seen an elephant as a pet but still your article is definitely worth pondering. Voted up!

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