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I can't go on holiday without leaving you something

Updated on January 6, 2012
Tom often thought it was ironic that he always had a mouse on hand and yet stayed hungry.
Tom often thought it was ironic that he always had a mouse on hand and yet stayed hungry.

As much as I hate to do it, I will be taking a break from Hubpages for awhile in order to have a writers holiday. That term sounds so exotic and fun, doesn't it? Well, its not. Basically it means I have a book I've been needing to finish for awhile and need to gear my thoughts totally in the completion. I do not plan to be away forever and will be popping in every now and then to tend to comment notifications, and occasionally read some hubs by my favorite authors here at Hubpages.

However, I can't go without leaving my Hubpages friends a little something. Now Hubpages is a community of writers and I've had the distinct pleasure of meeting here some of the most creative and talented people on the planet! Some of them have never been published outside of Hubpages, but I expect the day will come for most of them. I also suspect that some have already experienced writers hell aka as the struggle to get noticed by the mainstream publishing industry. This can be a looooong and draining process. So, for these folks who have experienced it, and the other talented people here that are sure to one day spread their writing wings, the following in-the-know jokes are for you :)

Writer's afterlife

A writer died and because she’d never been particularly bad or good during life was given the option of going to heaven or hell. Her angelic host even offered to let her check out both to decide where she wanted to spend eternity.

So the writer checked out hell first and descended into the fiery pits. There, she came upon a sweatshop, where she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks. They were all crouched over keyboards, grinding out manuscripts, and as they worked were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

"Oh my," the writer said. "Let me see heaven now!"

The host took her into heaven. Here, the writer entered another sweatshop where rows of writers were chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they furiously typed away they were whipped with horny lashes.

"Wait a minute," said the writer. "This is just as bad as hell!"

"Oh no, it's not," replied the angelic host. "Here, you never get a form rejection.”

Q. How many cover blurb writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?


Ambitious youth

There was once an ambitious man who, as in his youth, desired of nothing more than to become a great writer.

When asked by his friends to define great the young man said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and writhe in anger!"

So now he writes Nigerian spam.

In the face of tragedy

A struggling author comes home to find his house burned down. His wife and children are outside, their clothing still smoking and all in tears. He runs over to them and asks his devastated wife what happened.

“Oh, John, it was terrible,” she sobs. “I was cooking dinner when the phone rang. It was that agent you’ve been waiting to hear back from. But while I was on the phone I didn’t see that the stove eye had caught on fire. The kitchen went up in seconds. The kids and I barely made it out alive before the flames spread through the living room. All our things are gone, our family photos, our clothes, the beds, even Fido! But we made it out alive! It is a miracle!”

The author looks incredulous. “You're so right, dear!” he says, “I’ve been waiting years to get a call from an agent!”

On good grammar

A linguistics professor is lecturing to his English class one day.

“In English,” he says, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room pipes up, “Yeah, right.”

The business social

The city council of Blanksville are fed up with the typical way everyone else in the state view them. They feel something has to be done to change the image of theirs being nothing more than a rural bump-in the-road town of no consequence. So the council members decide to hold a business social and invite all the local business owners and other successful individuals residing in the community. The council plans to hold the event in the city park and sends out fliers to all the residents. They hope all the most successful people will turn up, and in the aim to showcase their local talent, also invite television crews from Big City.

On the day of the event Mayor May Merryweather sits at the welcoming booth. Her job is to record the name of everyone entering and as well, their line of work and how much money they make. With her pad and pen ready the Mayor greets the residents coming into the park.

Soon people start arriving. As the first man steps up to the booth the Mayor asks him his name and profession.

“Dr. Willard Laizeback,” the man answers proudly. “I’m a cardiac specialist over at the hospital.”

“Nice,” the Mayor says, writing down the info. “And what’s your average income, doctor?”

“Over $400,000 this last year!”

“Nice,” answers the Mayor.

The doctor goes into the park and another person advances to the table.

“Evan Doolittle,” the man replies. “I made over $100,000 this year in real estate.”

“Nice,” the Mayor says. The man enters the park the next one steps up.

“Joanne Coldcasher,” she tells the Mayor. “I’ve earned over $200,500 as bank executive.”

“Nice,” says the Mayor and lets her pass.

Another woman approaches the entrance table. “Ivana Beganeat,” the woman says. “I’ve earned almost $3 thousand dollars this year.”

The Mayor jots this down and says politely, “Alright, how long have you been a professional novelist?”


Submit a Comment

  • bethperry profile image

    Beth Perry 6 years ago from Tennesee

    radhikasree, thanks very much :)

  • bethperry profile image

    Beth Perry 6 years ago from Tennesee

    Farmer Brown, thanks lady!

  • radhikasree profile image

    Radhika Sreekanth 6 years ago from Mumbai,India

    You've described a writer's afterlife and writers' ambitions very well quoting examples. Best wishes for your current project.

  • Farmer Brown profile image

    Farmer Brown 6 years ago

    Your words warm my heart! Best of luck on your book!

  • bethperry profile image

    Beth Perry 6 years ago from Tennesee

    Thank you so much, Nell!

  • Nell Rose profile image

    Nell Rose 6 years ago from England

    Hi, love the sayings! lol! good luck with your book, I know you have written quite a few, hopefully we will all get there one day, see you soon! take care, and I love the cat!

  • bethperry profile image

    Beth Perry 6 years ago from Tennesee

    Farmer, thank you so much and same here. You were my very first follower and I'll always remember that :)

  • Farmer Brown profile image

    Farmer Brown 6 years ago

    I've missed seeing you since I took a leave of absence, but now I'm back and now you're gone :( Looking forward to catching up with you throughout 2012!

  • bethperry profile image

    Beth Perry 6 years ago from Tennesee

    thelyricwriter, thanks much hon :)

  • thelyricwriter profile image

    Richard Ricky Hale 6 years ago from West Virginia

    Another great article Beth. Always enjoy them very much. They always keep my brain Voted up, awesome, useful, and interesting. Hope you enjoy the break from writing and I will get that swan article out in the next day or so. It would be my honor. Take care, get some rest, and best wishes.

  • bethperry profile image

    Beth Perry 6 years ago from Tennesee

    Thank you Dexter :) Hugs!

  • Dexter Yarbrough profile image

    Dexter Yarbrough 6 years ago from United States

    Don't stay away too long, Beth. You are one of the best writers at HP!

  • bethperry profile image

    Beth Perry 6 years ago from Tennesee

    Feenix, thanks hon :)

    Greensleeves Hubs, never stop reaching for your dreams!

  • Greensleeves Hubs profile image

    Greensleeves Hubs 6 years ago from Essex, UK

    Best wishes with the book.

    Thanx for the jokes - I like 'On Good Grammar'.

    One day I'll publish my own masterpiece which will top the best seller lists for months on end. I'm so positive about this, I'd say I'm doubly positive. Yeah, right!

  • feenix profile image

    feenix 6 years ago

    Beth -- Happy trails tooooo yooooo until we meet again ;-)

  • bethperry profile image

    Beth Perry 6 years ago from Tennesee

    Thank you all very much :) And Robert, my love, that IS funny lol!

  • Becky Katz profile image

    Becky Katz 6 years ago from Hereford, AZ

    Finish it quick, we will miss you.

  • profile image

    Robert 6 years ago

    You left this one out

    Definition of editor: Someone who separates the wheat from the chaff, and then makes sure the chaff is published!

  • Kris Heeter profile image

    Kris Heeter 6 years ago from Indiana

    Great hub - love the parting picture with the cat! Good luck on finishing the book:)

  • Rosemay50 profile image

    Rosemary Sadler 6 years ago from Hawkes Bay - NewZealand

    We will miss you and hope you are back with us soon.

    Good luck with your book

    Take care