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I can't go on holiday without leaving you something
As much as I hate to do it, I will be taking a break from Hubpages for awhile in order to have a writers holiday. That term sounds so exotic and fun, doesn't it? Well, its not. Basically it means I have a book I've been needing to finish for awhile and need to gear my thoughts totally in the completion. I do not plan to be away forever and will be popping in every now and then to tend to comment notifications, and occasionally read some hubs by my favorite authors here at Hubpages.
However, I can't go without leaving my Hubpages friends a little something. Now Hubpages is a community of writers and I've had the distinct pleasure of meeting here some of the most creative and talented people on the planet! Some of them have never been published outside of Hubpages, but I expect the day will come for most of them. I also suspect that some have already experienced writers hell aka as the struggle to get noticed by the mainstream publishing industry. This can be a looooong and draining process. So, for these folks who have experienced it, and the other talented people here that are sure to one day spread their writing wings, the following in-the-know jokes are for you :)
A writer died and because she’d never been particularly bad or good during life was given the option of going to heaven or hell. Her angelic host even offered to let her check out both to decide where she wanted to spend eternity.
So the writer checked out hell first and descended into the fiery pits. There, she came upon a sweatshop, where she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks. They were all crouched over keyboards, grinding out manuscripts, and as they worked were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.
"Oh my," the writer said. "Let me see heaven now!"
The host took her into heaven. Here, the writer entered another sweatshop where rows of writers were chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they furiously typed away they were whipped with horny lashes.
"Wait a minute," said the writer. "This is just as bad as hell!"
"Oh no, it's not," replied the angelic host. "Here, you never get a form rejection.”
Q. How many cover blurb writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer:A VAST AND TEEMING HORDE STRETCHING FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA!!
There was once an ambitious man who, as in his youth, desired of nothing more than to become a great writer.
When asked by his friends to define great the young man said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and writhe in anger!"
So now he writes Nigerian spam.
In the face of tragedy
A struggling author comes home to find his house burned down. His wife and children are outside, their clothing still smoking and all in tears. He runs over to them and asks his devastated wife what happened.
“Oh, John, it was terrible,” she sobs. “I was cooking dinner when the phone rang. It was that agent you’ve been waiting to hear back from. But while I was on the phone I didn’t see that the stove eye had caught on fire. The kitchen went up in seconds. The kids and I barely made it out alive before the flames spread through the living room. All our things are gone, our family photos, our clothes, the beds, even Fido! But we made it out alive! It is a miracle!”
The author looks incredulous. “You're so right, dear!” he says, “I’ve been waiting years to get a call from an agent!”
On good grammar
A linguistics professor is lecturing to his English class one day.
“In English,” he says, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room pipes up, “Yeah, right.”
The business social
The city council of Blanksville are fed up with the typical way everyone else in the state view them. They feel something has to be done to change the image of theirs being nothing more than a rural bump-in the-road town of no consequence. So the council members decide to hold a business social and invite all the local business owners and other successful individuals residing in the community. The council plans to hold the event in the city park and sends out fliers to all the residents. They hope all the most successful people will turn up, and in the aim to showcase their local talent, also invite television crews from Big City.
On the day of the event Mayor May Merryweather sits at the welcoming booth. Her job is to record the name of everyone entering and as well, their line of work and how much money they make. With her pad and pen ready the Mayor greets the residents coming into the park.
Soon people start arriving. As the first man steps up to the booth the Mayor asks him his name and profession.
“Dr. Willard Laizeback,” the man answers proudly. “I’m a cardiac specialist over at the hospital.”
“Nice,” the Mayor says, writing down the info. “And what’s your average income, doctor?”
“Over $400,000 this last year!”
“Nice,” answers the Mayor.
The doctor goes into the park and another person advances to the table.
“Evan Doolittle,” the man replies. “I made over $100,000 this year in real estate.”
“Nice,” the Mayor says. The man enters the park the next one steps up.
“Joanne Coldcasher,” she tells the Mayor. “I’ve earned over $200,500 as bank executive.”
“Nice,” says the Mayor and lets her pass.
Another woman approaches the entrance table. “Ivana Beganeat,” the woman says. “I’ve earned almost $3 thousand dollars this year.”
The Mayor jots this down and says politely, “Alright, Ivana..so how long have you been a professional novelist?”