Or: How Nicole Continues to Attempt to Get Her Groove Back.
So I don't know if you guys saw the recent questionnaire HP central sent out, entitled: "What Hub Pages Means to You," which is pretty much them asking us for ideas, improvements and suggestions, and I totally haven't filled out yet, but it sparked something in me.
Any of you guys who has known me long enough understands that means I'm about to lay down some massive rants on you, so I apologize... ignore, skim, read enraptured with an apple hanging outta your mouth, I don't care, but had to share:
What Hub Pages Means to Me
Yeah, Iâ��ll go all old-school on this one. For many years, (for reasons neither here nor there right now,) I was stuck. I mean, completely paralyzed, unable to function, sitting around the house getting high while listening to Dark Side of the Moon, singing and crying, kind of stuck. Iâ��d had examples of how to exist, but hadnâ��t been taught how to live. Series of bad decisions had brought me to a morass where doing anything other than simply existing seemed impossible. Occasionally I still find myself there, wandering the banks of my own lagoon, (to borrow, in respect,) incapable of making a decision, taking action or finding the strength I need to realign my thinking.
Women who donâ��t work outside of the home frequently find themselves doubting their self-worth. Okay, maybe itâ��s just me, I frequently find myself doubting my self-worth after not having worked outside the home in quite a long time. For years the idea of interacting with other people, socially, or in a work environment seemed more than daunting, it was terrifying. As a BBS baby, moving later into an IRC kiddie, most of my social interaction was through a 14.4 modem. Interacting with people, face to face, well, it simply was not done.
I have, to count at this point: a fiance, who I can call a friend, but is most certainly more of a lover. He is, to the exclusion of all others the only person Iâ��ve ever really connected with on every level a person can with another human being. Yet, sometimes he still completely bewilders me.
A best friend, who is, again, to the exclusion of all others: is my only friend. I spend more time with so many other people who arenâ��t friends that it makes me miss him that much more. I do not make the time for him that I should, but I trust him and can count on him as someone who has my back, so to speak.
I have a ten year old daughter, whom, to me, is an extension of myself. I have been more true to her than anyone else, ever in my life. Iâ��d like to say that what Hub Pages means to me, starts with her, but it doesnâ��t, itâ��s more because of her. Sheâ��s the only thing I have ever done. Not done right, not wanted to do, (though, yes, she was very wanted, is very loved, and provided for well,) but the only thing that when faced with the decision between curling up into a ball on the floor and just ignoring life until it passes by, (a horrific decision to actually commit to in this case,) and getting up on a regular basis, providing for, interacting with, caring for and loving, I chose the latter. She is, quite literally, the reason I am alive.
A lot of people that I know. I interact with them. They arenâ��t my friends, despite the fact that they get a great deal of facetime, more facetime than Iâ��ve ever spent the rest of my life combined, (including school,) with them. Itâ��s nothing personal, itâ��s just the way I am.
So, there, to count, we have three people. Three people who, in my life, I can love freely and openly considering them to be what I need and want in my friends. One of them is pint-sized, but she makes up for it in attitude. What Hub Pages means to me, didnâ��t start with any of these people, (not entirely, anyways,) it started with one of the Others, the people who get my facetime, whose ear I bend while trying to figure out how the hell Iâ��m not supposed to be Socially Awkward Penguin girl.
It wasnâ��t a good friend who told me what I needed to know, it was â��some guy I knewâ�� this same, â��some guy I knew,â�� eventually introduced me, (in a roundabout way,) to my current fiance. I actually owe this dude a pretty big debt of gratitude, I suppose, now that I think about it. Iâ��m not sure precisely what it was that I was whinging on about at the time, but I was probably bemoaning my lot in life, having played victim for half a generation by that point, and he turned to me and said: â��You need to get rid of your computer.â��
Yes, itâ��s pretty odd to start a story about what an internet-based writing company has done for me by â��getting rid of my computer,â�� but there you have it, it is, what it is, as they say.
I did just that. For two years I went without using a computer, during which time I had pretty much hit rock bottom, fell through the cracks and hit rock bottom again. At this point, a lack of computer was the least of my freaking worries. Which, honestly, now... is also neither here nor there.
There were two things of solid consequence that happened during this time that I am willing to talk about and are pertinent to this story:
A. My marriage, as it was, rapidly deteriorating evolved into a â��frenemies with benefitsâ�� situation.
B. I began going out whenever my daughter was with her father, her grandparents, anyone, including babysitters. If she wasnâ��t at home, I wasnâ��t either.
The first months, (hell, even now,) of â��reintegrating,â�� with the human race outside of my bubble were absolutely hilarious. Mind-numbing terror doesnâ��t even begin to describe it. Iâ��m not sure why I did, or why I continue to put myself out there, around other people, but only that my life has steadily improved since Iâ��ve started.
Eventually, what I did end up doing, at some point after two years solid of journaling, crying, raising a very young child as best I could with the limited ability I had, was to get separated, get divorced, and eventually, when that two years was up, (I canâ��t remember why this was the time limit â��some guy I knew,â�� and myself had been given, it just was,) was get my computer back. Primarily, for those first two months, I used it mostly to play solitaire, (when my electricity was on, that is,) look for work and play World of Warcraft. Some of my first hubs are about these very things, in fact.
While looking for a job I found Hub Pages. I didnâ��t come into it thinking I would make money, which is good for me, since I donâ��t make money writing at Hub Pages. I came to Hub Pages with a burning desire to write. Being able to write and to be heard was so important to me. Even though I used my real name there was still that cloak of anonymity there where I knew most everyone who read what Iâ��d written would be limited to the confines of an insular, protective and supportive community. It felt relatively safe to write here. Safety was something I still clung desperately to, at the time.
After these first 5-10 hubs I remember hitting another standstill. I canâ��t remember exactly what was going on in my life at the time, I know I had been dating my fiance for a period of time by this point and, once again, I felt stuck in my writing. For years I had been an incredibly prolific writer. There was some unpleasantness which caused entire parts of my â��lifeâ�� to become blocked, my writing being one of them. I panicked, thinking that the first 5-10 hubs, (their quality was so poor!,) would be, once again, the last thing Iâ��d written. Remembering from all those years previous the feeling that I still get now, when I see a blank page in front of me?, sent me into a depression that took some time to move forward from.
Then, something happened. I wrote another hub. Another. Maybe one more. They, again, werenâ��t very good, but it was writing, and I was making it happen. I was putting thoughts down on paper and then showing those thoughts that had previously been trapped in my head to the entire world. Because I shared these thoughts with the entire world, (or at least or world, here at Hub Pages,) my life didnâ��t crumble, I wasnâ��t attacked, in fact, nothing bad happened to me at all. I was loved. I was supported. People I didnâ��t even know went out of their way, (and occasionally still do,) to send me email asking for my advice in their personal lives. Having taken the time, the energy and the faith to put my words out there for others to see returned nothing but good things to me.
I came from this place where Iâ��d been entrapped by a very real fear, a belief that this existence we all know here on earth together was, in reality a shared vision of hell, (not actual, like, fire and brimstone kind of thing, more of an empty moral compass where regardless of how many good things you did nothing but awfulness would be visited upon you for any infraction you made, the punishments never seeming to fit the crime,) to a state of being: one where the place I had come from no longer mattered to me anymore. I wasnâ��t letting it define me anymore, I was no longer a victim. I wasnâ��t afraid anymore.
I think letting go of that fear, (not that it has entirely left me,) was a really important part of what Hub Pages has given me. Much of this has had to do with how wonderfully supportive and kind the other writers at Hub Pages have been to me, personally, but the reaction that Iâ��ve gotten from random people stumbling onto my hubs has also helped me, immensely. There are still a lot of things that I cannot and will not write about, but those things donâ��t shape what I do choose to write about, anymore.
I don't get hub pages yet. lol... So far it's just a new avenue to write in and a new way to connect with ppl. I could use this time to figure out how hub pages works, but I guess the need for that hasn't superseded my need to connect with other yet.
Thanks for all those old-school formatting errors too. Ah the good ol' days of cut-n-paste from proprietary software... That takes me back...
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by Charles T Baumert 2 years ago
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by bonnebartron 5 years ago
Dear hub pages. I got on my account today only to find my blogs about my movie's kickstarter <link snipped> and my rant about kickstarter have been deleted (or removed) by hub pages. So now you guys are going to be moderating what i write on here huh? Deciding if I can use my own hub for my...
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