I'd like feedback on my Hub: Murder at Meadow Brook Acres

1. 85

   mandalinladyposted 16 months ago

   Hi Hubbers,
   
   I'd like some help with passing the Quality Assessment Process. Will you please give feedback on my Hub Murder at Meadow Brook Acres. What can I do to improve? Thanks!

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   1. 98

      theraggededgeposted 16 months agoin reply to this

      Harrowing story. So sorry for the loss of your son.
      
      I think your hub being rejected by QAP is because you have published it too soon. You need to go back through the text, reading it out loud in order to pick up the errors. Things like repeated words, missed speech marks, mistakes in phrasing, etc.
      
      I actually thought, when reading the title, that your hub was a short story - it sounds like the title of a mystery. I'm not sure if you should change it, or not.
      
      The hub ends very abruptly. Could you add a conclusion of some kind to bring it to a close? You might need to give some thought about why you are writing it as an article, rather than a blog post. Who are you trying to reach? What message do you want to give? Is it a warning? I see you published in the Crime and Law Enforcement category, so perhaps you should highlight if the law let you down? Or what the ongoing situation with the police is?
      
      You might also have problems getting it approved with those photos - they aren't very good quality. Is there any chance you could retake them, perhaps in better light?
      
      Again, I offer sympathies, I cannot think of anything worse than the loss of a child, grown or not.

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   2. 99

      letstalkabouteducposted 16 months agoin reply to this

      Hi Susan --
      
      As a mother of 2 sons, I can't imagine anything worse than the death of a child. I'm so sorry for your loss. I bet it helps to write about it. I have a son with autism and write about that journey a lot. It helps me put our experiences in perspective and heal the pain. I hope you're taking good care of yourself and getting the support you need.
      
      Your article held my interest and I wanted more. It left me with many unanswered questions. Why was your son in that area? Who shot him and why? Why is that area known for being dangerous? Did he know his killer?
      
      You have the beginning of something good. Good luck!

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2. 94

   Kim Bryanposted 16 months ago

   Susan, allow me to offer my sincerest condolences on the loss of your son.  As a true crime writer, I've talked with many parents who've experienced your type of loss and I know the grief is overwhelming and unbearable at times.  It's an emotion no parent should ever have to endure.
   
   In regards to the hub, I concur with a previous poster about rereading the hub out loud to catch errors.
   
   A couple more hints include
   * Capitalize the first letter of any quoted phrases (i.e., "what happened?" should be "What happened?")
   
   * I recommend making verbal exchanges clear as to who is speaking by using line breaks.  An example:
   
   "What happened? Was he in an accident?"
   
   "No ma'am, he was shot," the officer responded.
   
   * Identify your son in the intro paragraph. (i.e., our 44 year-old son, Rick...) and tell us more about him.
   
   * If there are any news reports about Rick's murder on YouTube, include one you feel accurately reports the facts.
   
   As I understand and respect how much emotion you poured into sharing your story, as it is it reads like a journal entry, somewhat.  Important details to readers aren't included.  If you can and wish to, you should include the answers to the following questions:
   
   1. Why was Rick in Meadow Brook Acres?
   
   2.  Have police identified his killer?  If not, why?
   
   3. If the killer has been identified, what evidence led to his/her arrest?  Motive? If it's gone to trial, tell us about the highlights of the trial and the verdict.
   
   4.  Are you willing to share with us (recommended in closing) how you feel about the loss of your son, the arrest and verdict/non-identification of his killer and how you have coped with your sons death (i.e., therapy, Parents of Murdered Children group, etc.)
   
   Thank you for sharing Rick's story and I hope you find these tips helpful.

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3. 85

   mandalinladyposted 16 months ago

   Thank you so much, I have a lot of work to do on this hub.  But this will help me tremendously.  They do have a warrant for my son's killer, but they can not find him. Anyway, I hope you will re-read my hub, when I am finished, which will take me awhile. One thing I cannot do is someone said re-take the pictures.  It is too dangerous for me to go out to that area, and I was asked by the US Marshals not to go there. I had a one shot time, and what I have in photos of that park is what I have. But so much else I can improve on. They feel family is hiding the man who has a warrant for first degree murder of my son.  And yes, it would give us the smallest morsel of peace, if they could find him and make the arrest.  Thank again you have been very helpful.  Susan

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   1. 94

      Kim Bryanposted 16 months agoin reply to this

      I do hope they make arrest soon.  Families can hide their loved ones for only so long until they begin to turn on one another.  Happens much too often.
      
      As my grandmother said (who also lost a son to homicide), "You never stop grieving, you learn to live with it but sending his killer to prison gives me closure on his death."
      
      Stay strong, Susan, and I would certainly love to read the rework.

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4. 85

   mandalinladyposted 16 months ago

   I was wondering if you could re-read and give me more suggestions.  I still can't seem to get it featured.  Thanks

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   1. 98

      theraggededgeposted 16 months agoin reply to this

      It might be the photos. Why not remove them and replace with a generic woodland photo from Pixabay? Also if you look at the one of your boy in uniform, the photo is pixellated. Hubpages won't allow pixellated photos whatever the subject is.
      
      So, for a start, just try removing all the photos and see if the hub gets featured. Then you can go on from there.
      
      I would also make sure you follow the grammatical guidelines for speech. It's not supposed to be all bundled inside a paragraph. This link may help.
      
      http://firstmanuscript.com/format-dialogue/

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5. 97

   HoneyBBposted 16 months ago

   Mandalinlady, my heart goes out to you. I'm a little worried about giving suggestions as I'm afraid of the pain it will drudge up. I hope you have someone to comfort you through this time especially with the anniversary coming. My suggestion to you would be to start out by showing us who Rick was as he was growing up by telling us something he did for you or some other child or a stranger. You might want to change your voice from passive to active...by using action verbs...look at sentences where you say (ex. he was kind and generous change to show us a time that he was kind and another time when he was generous) Like this: At eight years old, Rick shoveled our elderly neighbors snow every time it snowed; and, he refused to take any money for it.
   That, of course, is just an example to show you what I mean by active voice and also a way to show us he was kind without saying he was kind. You also need to check your spelling, I think you had PSTD instead of PTSD...that's the only spelling error I remember.

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6. 85

   mandalinladyposted 16 months ago

   Thank you so much

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   1. 98

      theraggededgeposted 16 months agoin reply to this

      {{{hugs}}}
      
      Life must be hell for you right now. I'm glad you can write about your experience - it may help others going through similar grief.

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7. 61

   Allie Backersposted 16 months ago

   I ain't no Hubber!! What does that mean any way!?

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