Please take a look

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  1. EyesAndEars profile image60
    EyesAndEarsposted 8 years ago

    and let me know what you think - could I have done something better or differently that would make more sense?



    http://hubpages.com/hub/Good-Old-Fashion-Values

    1. LarasMama profile image60
      LarasMamaposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Great hub! Maybe to prove your point about how close to ruin we can get, you could quote some information about LTCM and the multibillion dollar hole they blew in the market?

      1. EyesAndEars profile image60
        EyesAndEarsposted 8 years agoin reply to this

        thanks for the reply.  um...I dont know what LTCM is...

        1. LarasMama profile image60
          LarasMamaposted 8 years agoin reply to this

          Long Term Capital Management - basically a group of VERY smart nerdy guys got together and said they could "predict" the stock market. They were wrong!

    2. Origin profile image60
      Originposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Good article. I made a comment, it was a bit of a rant lol. smile

    3. profile image0
      cosetteposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      "old fashion" is grammatically incorrect, since this word is an adjective and not a noun, which is what "old fashion" is.

      also, it is a compound word, so it should be hyphenated as in "old-fashioned".

      1. EyesAndEars profile image60
        EyesAndEarsposted 8 years agoin reply to this

        thank you cosette, I thought I had already fixed that problem. smile

  2. Lynda Gary profile image60
    Lynda Garyposted 8 years ago

    Something not quite right with this sentence in your opening:
    "If your parents were born during the Baby Boom, you are most likely to know what responsibility means."  Maybe you meant to say, "If your parents were born during the Baby Boom, you most likely know what responsibility means."

    3rd paragraph:  the word "wealth," probably would make more sense if you said "net worth"

    Okay ... I've just gotten to the "Living in America" subheading, and at this point, though the facts are interesting, I'm getting a bit "annoyed" (for lack of a better word) that I haven't grasped the point of the article yet.  I even scrolled back up to re-read the title, thinking I was really off base somewhere.

    The point is, I think somewhere before that section you need to better emphasize the point / topic, so the reader knows AS he reads, not later.

    "This needs based assessment" should be "...needs-based..."  Otherwise, a person starts reading the sentence and hears a verb (needs) rather than the adjective you are intending.

    The following gets the "Best Run On Sentence Award" smile
    "Meanwhile, the approximate 25% of the population living off investments and company sponsored retirement pensions raise the cost of the rental units they own, and the affluent portion of the 65% of Americans with an income from a 40 hour a week, or so, job manipulate Wall Street finances and the General Public into believing the economy has never been better."

    (You really need to re-work that.)

    Milesstones should be milestones (in a sub-heading)
    Repetetive should be repetitive  SPELL CHECK BEFORE PUBLISHING.

    Use of passive voice:  "the Dow Jones had already dropped"  This is a bad habit for MANY writers, and is easily corrected.  Usually, just drop the word "had".  In your sentence, all you need is, "...the Dow Jones dropped..."

    Okay, I just finished the entire hub (though I read quickly, as most people will).  Here is what is missing:  You need to fulfill the promise of your title.  I read a lot of facts, but you didn't connect those facts to the topic of "old fashioned values."  You've shown the growth of various economic statistics; now, fill in the blank. 

    You've done what a lot of writers do:  You assumed.  Because YOU knew your point(s), you assumed the reader would connect the dots without instruction.  From a reader POV, though, we can't see the dots to connect them up.

    Something like, "In 19xx, when the annual salary was $xx for a typical family of four, the pulse of America was yadda yadda.  Concerns for yadda yadda were the priority as opposed to yadda yadda.  Now that we lack these good old fashioned values, the statistics are drastically different.  For example..."

    See?

    You final two paragraphs are PACKED full of topic sentences from which you can easily develop the point of your hub. Rather than hooking them together in those paragraphs, separate them out, perhaps, with each sentence being the topic sentence from which you'll provide the details, examples, etc.

    Something you might consider:  Use the link capsule.  Take advantage of the benefit you'll get by linking to other hubs using your referral tracker.  At the very least, link to one of your OWN hubs to keep your reader engaged and clicking away here on HubPages.  Provide links to sites outside of HP, anything that is relevant.

    Hope this helps.  I can't sleep, otherwise I never would've done such a detailed critique without a personal request (or payment). LOL.

    1. EyesAndEars profile image60
      EyesAndEarsposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      wow.  so helpful, thanks!  i hope i can figure it out and follow through...wow.
      the only reason i posted here was because I did a forum post to discuss these issues (after I published my hub - maybe I should have done it first lol)
      and the people who responded basically said what you said.  They didn't know what I was getting at, what my point was.  Thanks, again.

  3. Marisa Wright profile image95
    Marisa Wrightposted 8 years ago

    I also found it hard to work out what your point was.

    You need to give us an idea where you're heading in your first paragraph, to give us a reason to read on. 

    When you write a business proposal, you have an "executive summary" at the top, which sums up what your objective is. I feel you need something similar here.

    I also recommend you write your Hubs in Word so you can run a spell checker and grammar checker over it before you paste it into a Hub.

 
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