New hubber needs help!

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  1. marithian profile image54
    marithianposted 8 years ago

    Further to my previous post for help.  I input the wrong details.  The hub I require feedback on is as follows.

    http://hubpages.com/t/19752b

    Please accept my apologies for my incompetence!

    1. saleheensblog profile image61
      saleheensblogposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      using a tracker when posting in forum is rude and a bad manner

  2. Shadesbreath profile image83
    Shadesbreathposted 8 years ago

    I recommend an introductory paragraph.  You start out asking a question about Anuerin Bevin and the NHS issue, but I have no clue what it is, who that guy is, or what is at stake for us if we don't take your advice.  In reading through it, I eventually sort of half-way figured out what you were talking about, but I missed most of your points early on because I was lost.  So, set up your argument first.  It's the old speech writing axiom: tell them what you're going to tell them; tell them; then tell them what you told them.

    Also, particularly at the end, you have several sentences that could be put together into a paragraph.  Right now your article reads more like a list of single statements.  I think what you are saying is okay, but you just keep hitting the enter key between sentences and I'm not sure you need to as much as you have. 

    Just one guy's opinion.

    1. marithian profile image54
      marithianposted 8 years agoin reply to this

      Thank you for  your  comments. 

      I have quickly redrafted.  Does this format appear more appropriate in your opinion.

      1. Shadesbreath profile image83
        Shadesbreathposted 8 years agoin reply to this

        Much better.  That made the whole thing much more understandable, and your close is better too.

        I would suggest that you actually spell out what NHS means the first time you use it followed by a parenthetical with the initialism in it, in case people (like me) don't know.  Just the first time.  Typical format goes:

        We checked with the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration office (NHTSA) and they told us....

        That way everyone, even out of country folks, will know what the initials mean.  Do the same with NI later in the text, and then you're good to go for the most part. smile

  3. SteveoMc profile image72
    SteveoMcposted 8 years ago

    I had no idea what you meant.   As a matter of fact, I thought that you were talking about a national health care plan.  Are you? 
    Your argument about tax code being used to collect money from people who are drinkers seems strange.   Is the per capita incidence high?  There are probably much higher losses in keeping track of these problems.  You would need a bureaucracy to administer the rules.

  4. saleheensblog profile image61
    saleheensblogposted 8 years ago

    ~All your hub URL's seems wired to me.
    ~you need to work on keyword.

  5. profile image0
    Website Examinerposted 8 years ago

    1) NHS and Alcohol

    - NHS undefined --> Define NHS the first time it appears

    - Bevin: Who is this?

    - Opinion piece, does not say so: Write in introduction or finally that this is an opinion piece / policy suggestion, merely reflecting the author's personal opinion. That you welcome feedback and discussion

    - Overall: Seems a bit sketchy; non-experts may find it difficult to understand as little context or explanation are provided: Consider expanding with more explanation / context / references / statistics

    - Tags/keywords are few: Consider doing keyword research and adding tags to improve search engine position

    - No images: Consider inserting suitable impages in some or all of your hubs


    2) Perfume. PASSION FLOWER KISSES

    - Is this a poem? A song? Presentation is confusing and substandard as far as layout: Improve layout. Images, headlines, make clear that it is a poem/lyrics if that is what it is. Look around site for other poems/lyrics. Probably difficult to get feedback when readers cannot hear the song. At least you should explain what you need feedback for.

    3) Perfume. Nadine.
    - Ditto.

    4) Perfume. Savannah Falls.
    - Ditto.
    - Category: Perfume? Consider changing category to match above.

    5) Concept Perfume. Passion Flower Kisses...
    - Same as above.
    - "...by the House of Lavelle" ? Meaning?

    6) Marketing. The breakthrough.
    - Be careful about claiming marketing expertise while asking for help with marketing.
    - A substantial piece: A good model for future articles, search engine optimization, attraction of a following on HubPages.
    - Pretty abstract: Get feedback on whether readers understand your meaning.

    Above does not reflect changes to hubs, if any, since the Original Post was made.

 
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